Was this sexual assault? Tw involves a minor
Hi everyone. I'm just writing here as I feel like I can't speak to anyone in my real life about this at the moment as I feel quite weird about it all - i'll probably delete this post and my account in a day or two.
Basically I (24f) had surgery when I was 8, which meant I was in a wheelchair for about 6 months. During this time, my mother would help me to shower as my mobility was quite restricted.
One time the water from the hose i reached my intimate area i guess and I started giggling as it was my first time feeling (for lack of a better term) sexual pleasure. Once she saw that i was feeling pleasured (i guess??) my mother said something to the effect of 'does that feel good?' (I can't remember her exact words) and then very dliberately continued to direct the water in that area. In my memory i wasn't scared or anything and she wasnt being domineering or getting anything out of it. Im not sure why she did it.
I don't have a particularly good relationship with my mother (she has a lot of anger issues) but i know she would not have considered this to be wrong or weird, which makes me feel really guilty for even thinking anything bad of it. But then again, if I think about being in her position now that I'm an adult, I simply can't imagine ever doing what she did.
This isn't like a repressed memory bubbling to the surface - i've always remembered this happening, but it's only in the last few months that I've begun to consider how strange it was. It's been keeping me up the last few nights and I felt on the verge of a panic attack all day at work today. Idk i just feel quite guilty at suggesting that my mother could have done something wrong in this regard but also feel a really deep sense of shame and feel like I can't speak to anyone in my real life about it in case they think my mother is some kind of sex pest, which I don't think she is.
Sorry for the rant, I have a lot of conflicting feelings and this is my first time verbalising this experience - but do you think I'm right in being weirded out by this?