AITAH? I don't want my partner to join AA D&D Night at our house.
See her original thread here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1tcdch0/aitah_if_i_want_to_join_a_dnd_night_at_my_own/
The TL:DR -- I'm a recovering alcoholic. I want to host a D&D night for AAs in recovery in the garage every other Tuesday for the summer. She wants to play. I don't want her to play.
We actually tend to sort our crap out pretty well. In this case I was kinda surprised about how hard she dug in her heels and said no, so I suggested throwing it up here to get some discussion points to sort it out on.
Her post sums up her views so I won't rehash them or crap on them with one exception - she said in her post that she will have to clean the garage. That is not correct. She didn't know at the time of posting that I already have a plan to clean out the garage with my sponsor this weekend.
Why do I want to play and have a specific AA only group?
I have a friend in the program who is really struggling in early recovery. He's fallen off the wagon several times and is facing significant legal issues. He's going batshit crazy wallowing in his own misery and the idea started with the idea of getting him out of his funk and helping him to understand that you can have a normal life after recovery.
I feel this is an extension of the 12th step. Members of the program let me know if you agree.
Is this a mixed gender group or is it "boys night"?
The group is mixed gender. Player 3 sponsors both me and the guy in early recovery. I asked them both to help me fill out a total of 5 slots including me. Player 4 is a girl I have not met. She is also in early recovery and miserable, and friends with the guy who is in early recovery. Slot 5 is open and we're actively looking for an experienced player to offset 3 noobs.
For anyone who says it would be ok not to include my partner for "boys night" but not AA night, I challenge the notion that we can't claim the right of exclusivity based on having a disease but we would be allowed to claim exclusivity if we all had penises.
Why do I not want to make an exception to include her?
I will be DM. More than 4 players and a DM is challenging for me. I would prefer not to DM at all, it often feels more like work than playing, but I want this experience. I need to fill our last slot with a seasoned D&D player who knows the rules well to help wrangle 3 noobs.
The campaign I'm writing will be designed to focus around themes of recovery. While that isn't a problem for her or I, its probably not a comfortable topic
She and I have played together in the past. It was not a super fun experience for me and frankly I think the DMs guide from 3.5 edition speaks on the matter pretty well and would recommend not including someone who plays the way she does. She makes everyone wait sometimes up to 90 minutes before we can start and says "just start without me" and will frequently get up to do random non-D&D things during games. She also never got around to finishing her character in 8 sessions and I just had to "yada yada" over certain elements. On more than one occasion she would wait until 20 minutes after a session start to say she's not playing. This sort of play style ruins campaigns and I don't want to be part of a group that includes players that do this sort of stuff.
In her defense, we were both super drunk in those days and she'd be playing sober this time (she drinks occasionally but never around my AA friends). I also didn't tell her this before she posted because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Is this an absolute NO SHE CANNOT?
No. I really would prefer if she would just let me have my thing. She's my partner of 16 years and a game is not worth busting out ultimatums. After continued discussion with her I am open to having her as a "guest character" that plays some sessions not all. Also there is no "stay out of the garage" stipulation in case anyone thinks its THAT level of not invited.