Relationship advice scared to catch STDs
I’m a 22-year-old woman and I’ve been in a relationship for almost 8 years. We got together really young, and looking back now, I realize a lot of what I experienced was emotional abuse, manipulation, and trauma bonding. At the time, I thought it was normal because he was all I knew.Over the years, he cheated on me, lied to me, hit me, and constantly broke my trust. I slowly fell into depression and stopped putting energy into the relationship because everything became so toxic. I was only 15 when we started dating, and I honestly feel like I grew up in survival mode instead of learning what healthy love looks like.My childhood and family life also weren’t easy. I ended up moving in with him after my mom kicked me out when I reported my stepdad for touching me. He went to jail. Later, when I tried reconnecting with my biological dad, he also crossed boundaries with me. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if people only see me as something sexual instead of someone worth loving and protecting.Recently my boyfriend developed a fetish about me sleeping with other men. It started after our first threesome. I got extremely drunk because I couldn’t emotionally handle seeing him with another girl. I passed out, and when I woke up, they were in the bathroom together trying to continue without me. That moment should’ve been the biggest red flag.Since then, things have only gotten worse mentally for me. I went along with things I didn’t really want because I felt pressured and emotionally trapped. At one point, he convinced me to sleep with another man, and I ended up catching chlamydia. That completely destroyed my mental health and sent me into a deep depression. Instead of understanding how badly it affected me, he kept pushing the lifestyle and telling me I’d be okay.
Now I’m 22, I have a ok job , and I support both of us financially like food and etc because he’s constantly broke even though the relationship has “improved” compared to before, I still feel emotionally exhausted and disconnected. I told him I no longer want to sleep with other people, and if he wants to cheat or leave, then he can. I just don’t want this life anymore.
A month ago I met someone while I was out with friends. He was kind to me, bought me drinks, and we started talking. Last week we ended up having protected sex. Now I feel overwhelming guilt because technically I cheated on the person I live with, even though my relationship has been unhealthy for years.
The hardest part is that I don’t even know what’s normal anymore. My boyfriend has assaulted me before, and I feel emotionally numb, ashamed, and confused all the time. I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, support, or just someone to tell me I’m not crazy for feeling this lost. I just don’t wanna feel guilty and sleeping with both men I hate feeling like this and yes I can move out but I can’t afford it he pays rent and drives me to work I feel like I can’t do things alone and yes I’m very dumb I know it’s my fault i let it happen to long idk what I’m doing on here I guess I just wanna know if I’m doing something wrong by cheating on this person I’m scared to catch an std it’s been my fear since I got chylmadia…..