You are not going to be saved
You are not going to be saved.
Not one person. Not one hobby. Not one therapy session and not the next Dr. K youtube video.
This may sound hyperbolic, but if you are anything like me and struggle with youtube addiction, massive social anxiety, very deep states of unhappiness and joy, with 11-D chess of overthinking, Then nothing is going to save you.
I want to help you see that every time you become filled with joy because something in a video game or something you've watched will end. You'll become increasingly dependent on that one thing too bring you satisfaction. But over time it will feel mundane. that thing will not save you.
That girl you're too anxious to talk too, because you might say the wrong thing or you don't know what too say, you can't seem to form a connection, if only I'd do this or that etc. etc etc. And even if you form a connection. She won't save you. When you are together everything is great, but when you are apart, going to work, you want to be with her.
This hobby you can't get into because of x, y and z. or that hobby that you have a love-hate relationship with. "If only my art or music would be better, then..." It won't save you.
You don't really have friends, and try to overthinking why or how this has happened. What to do about and if I had friends I will be happy. They won't save you.
Maybe if you get a stable job, even one you don't like as much and put in the effort that, eventually, you would like it more. But all the effort couldn't fill the hole in your heart you think you need to fill.
You meditated and meditated, and sure. It became easy to just sit and be fine with everything. But you know your circumstances are still shit.
I fell into a deep state of unhappiness when I thought this "nothing is going to save you" to myself. That, from now on, I will only do things that will come natural to me. I'd still go to my job, but I wouldn't put in effort. They didn't fire me. I watched youtube very late in the weekdays and the whole weekend. It made me irritable when I wasn't watching. Drinking alcohol when I felt like it with no limits (would not recommend) and ate junk food. I was feeling horrible, but at least I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, or thought that doing anything would change anything.
At a certain point I thought I would be fine if I didn't wake up tomorrow, that there is nothing in this life for me anymore. But ending it didn't feel natural to me and I wouldn't let my parents feel guilty for not doing better.
out of all the depression I realized, that if nothing is going to save me, then nothing I would do extra, to go an extra mile, to expend one more thought or react differently would ever 'help'.
So why not quit youtube? As a thought experiment. How long can I resist youtube when I would let myself be depressed? After all, I was depressed now.
30 times it feels like I quitted. Every time I failed I had less reason to quit again. But I haven't tried that.
The first days after work I just laied on my bed, eyes closed. I was getting so bored that I even took a book from my parents shelf. I read a few pages but got a headache and just closed my eyes again.
I was getting slow, I haven't been doing any excercise for 3 weeks and 3 days after quitting I felt like going through mud. I imagine people were staring at me at work but I didn't care.
The fifth day I broke. I would do anything for a little bit of joy in my life. So I started watching again (I'm not exaggerating this is my relationship with youtube). But I knew quitting wouldn't save me, watching again wouldn't save me either. I scrolled, found something I liked and watched that.
I was becoming fearful. I know what would happen if I'd watch more. I was depressed with and without youtube. But I know how the story ends with it. Another average lightly depressed month would pass.
So I picked up reading and drawing as something else to do. It was nice creating something. I put a picture on my tablet and traced it with colorful pens on a piece of paper. The drawings were actually nice and at the same time it felt vapid and mundane. But that was fine. it wasn't going to save me.
I figured I was getting slow, maybe because of the depressive state. I didn't have the energy to go to the gym like I used to, but I could go for a walk for 30 minutes. Afterwards I felt maybe 2% percent better, if I could notice it. It didn't matter. A walk wasn't going to save me. I went on to more walks today. Each time feeling a bit better.
I'm thinking about going to this improv group again. Could be fun.
I hope you see where I'm going with this. It's all an experiment. Nothing will save me. Nothing I say, think or do will ever cure me but I can start to live.
I hope this helps someone.