u/BagLife3214

Hi everyone, im kind of embarrassed to post this but i genuinely just don’t know what to do with myself and i feel so stuck and confused and i I just need some advice or someone who understands. Basically I 22F am dating a man 25M whom I do love, he has his flaws and I don’t see myself staying with him forever because of these flaws. I have been thinking I might be a lesbian for a long time on and off, I’ve identified as bisexual for a long time but never actually dated a girl, I’ve kissed girls at parties but it was nothing real. I’ve wondered if I was a lesbian for a long time which that alone feels pretty indicative of things but idk. I think I’m just feeling very stuck because I’ve realized I’ve maybe been lying to myself about who I really am for a long time now and if I’m being honest a large part of me just wants to keep lying to myself forever because I’m so scared but I feel an immense pressure to stop lying to myself and to just be true to myself and I know that obviously sounds like the right choice but I’m so scared. I really do love my boyfriend and part of me just wants to stay with him forever because it would just be easy and nothing would have to change (I really hate change) but I think I know deep down that I could never truly be happy with a man long term. When I think about calling myself a lesbian openly and looking for a wife it just feels so right but also so scary. I know my family and friends would accept me, basically all my friends are lesbians at this point but I’m just not ready for things to change. Because they will. I know my family will still love and accept me but I know they’ll think of me differently and I don’t want that, I just want to be me but I think that the current me is maybe a facade I’ve been putting on for so long that it feels real now. I don’t know. I don’t want to have to come out to people, I never even told my family I’m bi because I’m too scared. I don’t even know why, my parents love gay people.
I think I just know how alienated I’ll feel and how everything will change in a way and I’m so scared of that. If I accept that I’m a lesbian I have to accept that I truly will never be “normal” (I know being gay is normal but it’s still not entirely socially acceptable and being queer in the US is really scary right now) I will have to accept that my life will look very different than it does now. I have a lot of lesbian friends and I know how isolating and scary it can feel as a lesbian but also know that they’re some of the most free people I know. And deep down I want to be free but I’ve also been in a relationship with a man since I was 20 and I’ve grown very accustomed to having someone there. A boyfriend is a safety net and idk if I want to let that go yet. I’m trying to keep things vague so as not to expose who I am incase anyone ik reads this but he’s supposed to come with me to a wedding next month, a family wedding. And I’m trying to decide what to do because I don’t think I can lie to myself much longer. My boyfriend is also bi and I know he would be accepting and kind about it but I also know that he is very in love with me and I’m so scared to hurt him. But also holding all of this in has made me so bitter and angry because I’m mad at myself but it’s coming out at other people.
I know that I don’t need to have it all figured out by 23 but I think I’m reaching a point where I need to do what I need to do to make myself happy but I really don’t know what that is.
I know I’m not the first person to go through this but I’m feeling so alone. I know I can talk to my friends about this but u think that telling them will make it all too real and that is very scary. I am working on finding a therapist because obviously I need one lol but in the mean time I would just really appreciate some support and advice from strangers.
I feel so guilty for holding this in and not telling him but im so scared i love him and i dont want to hurt him but i also know i need to prioritize myself. I’m scared of my own feelings and im just so confused.
If you made it through all of this thank you I know it was a mess, hopefully somebody who understands this will see it.