Hey ya'll. So I(24f) have been clean for almost two years(yaaayyy!) now, though the ideation has been, honestly, overwhelming the last few months. I started taking prozac 5-6 months ago, and it generally helps me feel a lot more stable when it comes to my mood... but there's some downsides. I've always had depressive episodes, but the ones in the last couple months have been the worst I've ever had. As in I have no motivation for anything, I don't really care about the things I usually love doing, and I am so fucking heavy and numb feeling. The other part: I cannot cry when I need to. What is my first instinct when emotions are pent up and can't be released? To shred my limbs. I need to probably lower my dosage just a bit to see if it helps but like... What if I kind of want to get worse?Logically, I know that self harm is not a long term fix. I've done the therapy, I know all the ways to cope that are healthier and I'm really good at thinking about sh but not acting on it. Though there is a large part of me that wants to just say fuck it and do it when I want to.
Here's the interesting thing: I am very high functioning. I can take care of myself just fine. I can hold a job, and my mental health is manageable enough. I can do all the things I need to, I just don't really feel a ton during the episodes and it makes it harder for me to get shit done. Anyway, I'm rambling. Live laugh toaster bath Ig XD