u/BalanceSmooth4335

What do you see on someone’s/couple’s profile that automatically sounds the alarm and why?

I'm navigating enm/polyamory alone after things ended with my (married) ex last year (not that he was a great guide for having a healthy open dynamic), but it’s been really isolating not having anyone who gets it. It was also my first relationship, so I’m really at a loss sometimes because I went from 0 experience to jumping straight into non-monogamy. I have a close friend I talk about this stuff with, but she’s monogamous, so she doesn’t fully get it. This is mainly just a venting post for people who have probably been in this situation before.

I was talking with a couple who were looking for a third to have a close connection with last month, and things seemed to be going really well. We had a lot in common, a lot of funny and weird coincidences, and I was equally into both of them, which made it feel like it could actually turn into something. After some pretty shitty experiences with my ex, it felt really welcomed. They even scheduled three dates with me within the span of a week and seemed genuinely interested, so I let myself get excited. They said they liked my communication, they liked me, and the husband even gave me gifts.

Then after the date where we all slept together, things changed very suddenly. I was told they might be busy, which I understood since I knew something in the family had come up. I didn’t hear from them at all over the weekend after previously communicating daily. The following Monday, the husband texted saying that between work , his back, and the family issue, they wouldn’t be able to continue. They said it wasn’t anything I did, they just felt it was responsible to take a step back until they could dedicate their time to someone properly. I understand needing to dial things back, but the complete cutoff didn’t really make sense to me. Like, if we got along so well, why not at least stay in touch?

Still, I told them I respected where they were coming from, thanked them for a good experience, wished them the best, and left the door open to reconnect in the future. They didn’t respond to that message.

I moped for a few days and tried to move on, started talking to a couple of people on the apps. Curiosity got the best of me, so I bought a subscription to Feeld to see my likes and ended up seeing that they’ve been active recently.

I’m just really bummed it didn’t work out, but even more so because it feels like they weren’t fully honest. I even thanked them for being upfront with me. It makes it really hard to want to give that energy to future partners, but on the other hand, no one wants to deal with someone who isn’t showing interest. So I’m kind of stuck between protecting myself and also staying open to interest in the future.