r/EthicalNonMonogamy

I’m a bi 28F and my spouse is lesbian 31 afab with a pretty flexible gender identity. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for 5. We’ve been open in the past and recently decided to go at it again. In the past my spouse also had these same boundaries, and I didn’t like them but I obliged. Now, I’m not sure how I feel and don’t want to feel controlled or restricted.

My partners boundaries include no men and no receiving a strap on from another woman/afab person. It feels rooted in a sort of deeply rooted insecurity and feels like a “one dick policy” kind of thing. They say that the thought of me being with a man is repulsive to them. But I really just want to have my sexual desires met and to me gender doesn’t matter. I want to be able to be trusted to have whatever kind of sex I want with who I want.

I know there can be feelings of inadequacy and insecurity for lesbians when it comes to bi women. The fear that I would leave her for a man maybe. But I’m very obviously and deeply committed to our marriage and have shown to be so for years now. I’m not going anywhere.

I really don’t want these restrictions on me. I’m hesitant to call them boundaries because they feel rooted in control more than anything. I told her that these boundaries feel rooted in biphobia and toxic masculinity. She says if so she’s fine with that being her thing and she will never change. She says if I’m not comfortable with those boundaries then I can just accept it or divorce her because there’s no world where she changes her mind.

Thoughts?

Edit to add: it shouldn’t matter but for context my partner is very masculine and recently had top surgery. She is comfortable with any pronouns: she/he/they but pretty much presents to the world as a man. People think she’s a man daily and my relationship is pretty straight passing.

Hello! I’m new to Reddit and ENM, and I could really use some perspective. I cross posted to a Polyamory subreddit…not sure if I can do that but I’m trying to get as much insight as possible.

My fiancée (41F) and I (43F) recently opened our relationship. She has some previous ENM experience, while I’ve considered solo ENM while single, but never explored it.
I thought we were on the same page: exploring kink, having fun, and pursuing casual connections together or separately.
Things started well. We established boundaries, discussed expectations, and were excited about exploring. Then my partner connected with Sally (50sF), who has a long-term asexual partner and serious health issues. Sally is very direct about wanting to enjoy life while she can and has been actively pursuing my partner.
Initially, I was happy she found connection.(small edit for clarity) She had expressed interest in another potential connection alongside Sally and I didn’t feel threatened and she reassured me that I was her top priority. I wanted her to explore those connections freely without my interference.

Since I’m responsible for most of our household tasks and childcare while working full-time and attending school full-time, I don’t have the capacity to pursue connections with other people. I let her know I felt this imbalance pretty early on because the fact that she was dating and pursing Sally so aggressively made me feel that it was very one sided and that resulted in conflict for us.

ENM has highlighted an existing imbalance in our relationship and she has said that she would try to make it more equitable by being more present, so that I can have time to myself and with others, if I choose to do so. I’ve had a few friendly connections that just fizzled out and I didn’t feel one way or another because I was already lacking capacity for something in depth.

Fast forward to now…Within the last month, my partner and Sally have been seeing each other several times a week. At first, I felt cared for and had no major concerns. We were still connecting and having dates. I respected boundaries and left them alone on their dates and don’t call or text unless necessary.
But things changed after my partner returned from a five-day work trip 2 weeks ago. She visited the other person she was interested in and stayed overnight at their house (she was flying in and out of their city so they arranged to visit because it was the other person’s bday), they kissed but nothing more, and she then went to see Sally (she did come home first and then left to see Sally). The following day, Sally called and texted repeatedly while my partner and I were spending time together, and much of our conversation revolved around Sally. My partner then saw her twice more for dates (one being almost all day and the other happening after work and her not making it home until almost midnight) over the next four days.
I was really trying to not make an issue of it because I’m trying to give grace for the “new shiny thing” energy AKA NRE.
The breaking point came this week when I was trying to discuss something serious about my oldest daughter. I had to step away briefly to care for my other daughter, and my partner used that time to talk to Sally and carry on the conversation while we were in bed. She only got off the phone when I left the bedroom upset.
We ended up in a fight where I expressed I felt like I couldn’t escape the woman because she was a very present orbit in our daily lives.
She apologized and agreed to work on boundaries, but watching her become so deflated and disappointed about the situation made me realize how much our dynamic had changed.

Then a few days later my partner suggested I meet Sally to help with my feelings, I realized that meeting her wouldn’t address the real issue: I believe my partner is developing deep romantic feelings for her. When I asked directly, my partner couldn’t say whether she was falling in love, but acknowledged feeling strongly for Sally romantically and is now realizing she may be polyamorous rather than interested only in casual ENM.
Since then, Sally has been informed that I’m uncomfortable with the situation and has stepped back from her relationship with my partner and my partner has said that she is devastated emotionally. My partner is trying to find a way to preserve both relationships, but I’m struggling to see how that’s possible when the underlying issue is that we may want fundamentally different relationship structures. I also worry that if my partner gives up something she genuinely wants, she’ll eventually resent me, even if she never says so.

I’m struggling because this is not the relationship structure I thought I was agreeing to.
I can care about people, connect with them, and enjoy intimacy without wanting a romantic relationship or catching deep feelings.
I’m realizing that I’m probably not comfortable being in a relationship where my partner develops other deeply romantic attachments, particularly when those relationships become so significant so quickly.
The thought of being sexually intimate with my partner while knowing she also is strong attached emotionally with someone else makes me physically ill. They have not been sexually intimate as of yet and I don’t want to monitor her other relationships or constantly manage my feelings around their sexual and romantic developments.
I’ve told my partner that I need to step back from ENM for my own well-being. I didn’t ask her to end her relationship with Sally, but I’m also not sure I can continue our relationship in its current form.
One alternative I’ve considered is taking sex off the table between us while remaining romantic partners, allowing her to pursue Sally and giving me the freedom to meet my own sexual needs elsewhere without navigating the emotional entanglement of knowing my partner is having sex with someone they’re deeply attached to.
I’m not sure whether that would work for either of us, or whether I’m trying to find a compromise because I’m afraid of losing her.
I love my partner, but I feel like I can’t unknow what I’ve realized about her feelings for Sally, and I worry it will fundamentally change how I experience this relationship with her.
I also fear that we’re discovering a fundamental incompatibility: she may want polyamory, while I at most, want casual ENM.
Has anyone navigated a situation where one partner discovered they were polyamorous while the other realized they weren’t?
I do think it important to note we are both ND and both struggle with RSD.

Is there a way forward that doesn’t leave one person feeling deprived or resentful, or do we need to accept that love may not be enough to make us compatible?
Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. ❤️

EDIT for context: I want to be clear that she was transparent through this whole process. She did check in regularly on how I felt and while it felt unbalanced especially in the last few weeks, she was attempting to course correct to make it more equitable. I didn’t feel like she was purposely disrespectful or disregarding my feelings.

2nd edit: This has all occurred over the last 6-7 weeks, with the last 2 weeks being the most problematic.
We opened the relationship about 2 months ago.

Hello people, just a little update/thinking of me for the current situation

For context my previous two posts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/hVzm7VtLor

https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/N22pfui1Xu

I thought it went well between us. Relationship getting better, seeing some development.

Now it's his first weekend being gone with friends for concerts, after everything went downhill in our relationship.

I didn't miss him. At first I was seeing this as a good sign. Me feeling loved, stable and safe, so no place for anxiety. Didn't need any reassurance.

But now, he will be home in 2 hours and I can't feel any joy or excitement. When he texted me, that he is on his way, my brain just went "okay". Like when my boss is calling and telling me a colleague is sick: "okay, I will take care of her/his tasks"

I don't want to think bad of it, but it bothers me that I can't feel any excitement.

My girlfriend (F22) and me (M21) have been dating for almost 3 years now. I love her with all my heart, and our relationship is really great in many ways. Since we started dating we have been talking about ENM since we're both bisexual so we have had several experiences with other couples/threesomes. Which has been really great but we both also wanted to have some personal hook ups/fwb.

After searching for a while to find the right person I had my first hook up yesterday morning. We met online and they lived really close. We had a date or 2 were we just got to know eachother cause we were both a bit nervous and we have also been chatting a lot online. We had a lot of fun yesterday and decided there will probably be a next time.

Now the thing is, im no stranger to hook ups. I've had many personal hook ups before I met my GF and during our relationship we had some intimate relationships with others (never alone tho, always together). And never have I had feelings or that weird tingly butterfly like feeling about someone before. But my hookup from yesterday won't leave my mind. I feel like a teenage girl watching my phone waiting for his replies, keep thinking about him with a stupid grin on my face, and god. I dont know what this is.

I know i dont love my girlfriend any less, but this feeling is really confusing me and I can't help but feeling like this is going to be a problem. Or maybe im just imagining things, after all, its the first time Ive had a personal experience like this in 3 years or so.

Are there others that have experienced this? Should I just break it off and try to forget about this? The idea alone makes me just feel terribly sad but continueing would be wrong right?

I should probably talk to my girlfriend about this but I want to do this in person and she doesnt get home till Tuesday. Meanwhile im a wreck and want some advice?

Early this year my babymother/girlfriend (26F) asked me (26M) to have an open relationship. It was a total shock to me and has been a massive change in my life. I went into it openminded but cautious because I want to marry this girl. I know that these types of relationships don’t always work out.

Over time she found two partners. One that she really connected with. She had intense NRE and completely withdrew from me. To the point where I asked if she still loves me and asked if she still wants to marry me. She said she loves me but isn’t read for marriage at this time.

Turns out that guy was a POS and that burned down in flames. Since then she has been completely withdrawn from our relationship. She’s practicing destructive habits (out til 5am five nights a week) and is really cold towards me. It got to the point where I begged her for time and attention. That’s when she told me that she wants space. That she cannot be affectionate right now and that she’s going through a quarter life crisis. She doesn’t know if she ever wants marriage. Or to live any semblance of a family lifestyle. She says that she feels like shit because she knows she’s hurting me but that she has to do this for herself.

What I am really struggling with is whether or not it’s a good idea to pause this open relationship and focus on us. I am still cautious toward the open relationship. I have gone on two dates but no connection was developed. I am trying apps but feels like a complete waste of my time. I am imploding with a sense of loneliness, financial burden, and fear that my partner will never come back to me. After a hard conversation yesterday I told her that I will give her space. What I really want to say is that I think it’s unethical for her to continue these destructive habits while neglecting our relationship. And that it’s unethical for us to keep this relationship open while ours is being pushed to its limits.

I try so fucking hard to be a good man for her. It’s shallow of me to say it but it’s important for context. She is incredibly needy and I am finding it harder and harder to give the energy that I always have. I’m afraid if I slow down my energy than she will take it as a sign to leave. I also do not know if it’s healthy for me to give so much of myself and get nothing in return. It’s been 2 months of icy coldness. How am I supposed to keep giving 110% of myself when I feel like she just wants to leave me. It almost feels like a disrespect to my self. That I deserve better and a partner who doesn’t make me question my self worth. I don’t want to feel like a simp who will let her cuckold me just because I’m desperate for any chance of getting her back to me. But I also love her so fucking much that I probably would let that happen if it meant she steps back into the role of mother and partner that I have grown to adore. Any advice y’all?

Hi, I’m 41M and wanted to share a bit about my personal experience with MMF. I’m curious about how others experience it too.

First a little backstory and context.

My discovery of my sexuality in my teens was eventful.Just a boy who was very much attracted to girls and fell madly in love with them. But when I was 17, I saw a male friend naked for the first time. Somewhere in that moment, my fascination with big dicks was born.

For years, I felt ashamed and confused about that. Was I gay? Was I bi?

I loved dicks. I was fascinated by them. I could fantasize about them. Yet I wasn’t attracted to men in a romantical way. I only had that with women. Yet my love for big dicks didnt leave.

I honestly had no idea what to make of that part of myself.

Then I met my wife.

She gave me something incredibly valuable: space.

I could talk to her about my fascination with dicks, my fantasies, my curiosity about men. She didn’t make it weird. She didn’t ask me to explain it away. She simply let that part of me exist.

A couple of years ago, we had a spontaneous MMF experience with a man my wife found attractive.

I still remember the first time she stood in front of him, her hands trembling slightly as she pulled down his underwear.

I remember the moment she sat down on him for the first time and looked at me.

I remember the three of us discovering something together.

And what has stayed with me all these years is something I never expected.

I thought my biggest thrill would be exploring my fascination with a man.

Instead, one of the most powerful things for me was watching my wife become genuinely excited and turned on with another man.

Seeing her excitement.

Seeing his excitement.

Feeling my own excitement grow simply because I could see how much she was enjoying herself.

That completely surprised me.

Something I had carried for years with shame suddenly felt incredibly natural.

And perhaps that is what I love most about looking back on those experiences. There was so much curiosity, playfulness and trust. Something I had once experienced as complicated suddenly felt wonderfully simple.

So I’m curious about you guys.

For those who have experienced MMF, what surprised you most about your own reactions?

Did you expect one part of the experience to be the biggest turn on and discover something completely different?

Did you discover something about yourself that you hadn’t expected?

I’m especially curious about both the male and female perspective.

My wife told me she had a sex dream with a woman. We discussed about it but my wife felt very embarrassed and shy. She told me what the girl looked like in her dream as well as her preferences for what she likes in a girl.

I do know she’s been curious about women when she was younger.

I asked if she’d be interested in sleeping with a woman but she has expressed she doesn’t want to perform oral on a woman. She’d only prefer a woman to perform oral on her and she prefers a feminine one.

I told her that if she’d ever be interested to be open and talk to me about it. She was uncomfortable telling me more but said maybe to bringing a woman in our bedroom. I also told her that if this was something she wanted to pursue that there needed to be boundaries discussed in making sure her and I were on the same page

I’m not opposed to the idea and have actually recently had dreams as well of her bringing a girl into our marriage bed.

For men who have had this happen; what eventually got you guys to bring a girl into your bed and did it occur organically or did you seek one out? Did you guys seek out together? How was the experience? Was your wife friends with them first or did they become friends after and is it strictly sex or?

What type of boundaries are there? Like I’m only allowed to finish inside my wife and not the other girl?

I also know my wife is picky. We both lead very active lifestyles, are fairly young, and she has a bbl, breast implants and her body is very beautiful and natural looking. How do we find someone that matches this aesthetic and lifestyle ?

Let me know your experiences and any questions you can answer. Thanks

Honestly it's so weird how frequently this sub gets posts like "My partner is doing X and Y. Does that mean they want Z?"

How on earth would strangers on the internet know? And why haven't you asked them?

Communication!

(I know in reality people must want to feel heard and seen by more people and vent - but it still seems weird)

We are considering opening our marriage and the discussion plus our experiences going to a club made us ask, are we going to swing? Are we poly? Is there an in between?

We agree random sex with random people isn’t our thing. We also aren’t trying to add to love to what we might do with others. Is it normal to want to have a best friend w benefits situation? Hubby has a gf and wife a bf but it’s not love, has anyone done something like that? Would it be better to date another couple or have a single male and female for play?

Redditors who've witnessed a functioning polyamorous relationship, what are the characteristics that make their relationship healthy?

In a relationship where people hold sexual and romantic relationships with more than one person at a time, what are the signs that it would be viable long term?

And is there any way to replicate those signs and characteristics ?

My husband forgot that he had shared his calendar with me and I'm seeing two things for next week I'm pretty sure he didn't mean for me to see:

"Date with Ruth" for Monday.

"Cosmetic Spa appointment" for Tuesday.

Now, we are in an open marriage, so the date is not really an issue except that I want him to tell me when he's planning to see someone else. I keep waiting to see if he's going to bring it up on his own, but if he doesn't by Monday...I guess we'll need to discuss.

He always says he'll let me know more about a new relationship when/if it gets more serious. I'm trying to respect his desire to date with some privacy, but also it makes me feel so distant from him to not know about this side of his life.

The second thing seems to be likely an appointment for botox or some other cosmetic procedure. He hasn't told me he's planning on doing this, and I think he'd be embarrassed if I asked him about it. This bums me out.

I wish there was enough comfortability in our marriage that he could be open about these things.

I wish we could be open about first dates that don't go well.

I wish he could be open about the fact that he doesn't like aging and wants to do something cosmetic.

I don't know how to start building this vulnerability. I'm worried if I bring these topics to him again he'll feel attacked, embarrassed, and just shut down.

Any advice for how to open a conversation like this?

And...I guess I have to remind him he's sharing his calendar with me? A big part of me doesn't want to because it's my most honest window into his life. That's not good, I guess.

My husband and I are in a pretty new relationship with a very old, very close friend. We have children and she has children. We’re planning to transition to blending our families and living together next year.

We’re obviously very serious about each other. Last night we were talking about how we might show our commitment considering that my husband and I were long established partners. It bothers all of us that we’re unable to be legally married.

How do you show your commitment to your partners? What did you do legally to make things as equal as possible?

We heard and read about the NRE which sounds really exciting for me (f31). He is a little bit sceptical about it could also lead to heavy feelings. Do you have advices for me/us?.

My wife and I are slowly getting closer to actually trying non-monogamy, and I’d like some advice from people who have already been through this.

We actually talked about this very intensely about 10 years ago. Back then, I was the one who really wanted to try it, while for her it was more something that sounded hot in her head but that she didn’t necessarily want to do in real life.

That has slowly started to change. The line between “this is a hot fantasy” and “I actually want to try this” seems to be moving for her, and she also dreams about it more and tells me abiut it more often. What we are currently imagining is starting relatively small and uncomplicated. For example, going to a swingers club, adult cinema or sauna together, where she could touch other guys without a lot of flirting, dating, emotional buildup or obligations attached to it. Possibly more if we both feel comfortable with it.

I’m bisexual and would like roughly the same freedom for myself.

We haven’t made a detailed set of rules yet because we’re still at the stage of figuring out what we actually want and how it feels once it stops being purely hypothetical.

One thing that makes this slightly complicated is my jealousy. My jealousy seems to be very specific rather than generally sexual. There is a certain type of person I can get jealous about even if they are literally just talking to her. From experience i can say with almost everyone else, I honestly think I could watch her have sex with someone right in front of me without being particularly jealous. Obviously, I also know that what I think I will feel and what I actually feel when it happens can be two completely different things.

The biggest thing I want is for her to feel completely safe telling me what she wants, what turns her on, what she fantasizes about and what she might want to try. I don’t want her to censor herself because she is afraid I might judge her, get jealous or interpret a fantasy as some kind of threat to our relationship.

So I’m especially interested in advice from people who opened a previously monogamous relationship:

How do I show her that she can genuinely talk openly with me about her desires without having to worry about being judged later?

How did you learn to handle jealousy when it actually appeared, especially if your jealousy turned out to work differently in reality than you expected?

How much should we agree on rules and boundaries beforehand, and how much can realistically be figured out as we go?

And probably my biggest concern: is there a realistic way back if we open this door and one of us discovers that it doesn’t work for us?

For people who tried this and then decided it wasn’t for them: were you able to return to monogamy without it permanently changing the relationship for the worse?

I’m not looking for reassurance that this will definitely work. I’d rather hear what you wish you had discussed or understood before you actually tried it.

I recently watched the film "Folichonneries" and being a wet behind the ears newbie I thought it was a decent depiction of how I perceive the relationship model and it's challenges.

Anyone else watched it? What are your thoughts.

HELP WITH VETO POWER BOUNDARIES - I had an intense but short relationship with a man. He initially was all I was looking for in a secondary partner. We agreed that it is possible to love more than one person and was really keen on me. He said he could see me once or twice a month ( we live in different cities) and was the one really pushing for regular dates where he was super romantic -holding hands, calling me pet names, holding me super close at gigs.

I was constantly checking in on him regarding his wife as he was reapproaching ENM for the first time in a long while. I was also even checking in on their boundaries, like what display of affection I could show in public at gigs where they might have friends attending. Our last date his wife allowed us to spend the night, and I was so grateful for the change her boundary. However two days later he ended it abruptly saying his wife was suffering too much.

He then pushed it back on me telling me to take responsibility for MY feelings and that he wasn't looking for a poly partner and that he was always clear about wanting a FWB.

He also said that his wife had asked him not to disclose how she was feeling incase it ruined things for us! WTF? When I showed I was clearly upset and felt misled by his lack of transparency and communication he ghosted me and it's slowly made me more and more enraged. So they both deceived me on purpose?

Now I feel like I was their experiment or a play thing and I am pissed. I'm having such a hard time meeting normal men in ENM. Last guy was a creep who SA me. Gah. (Not mu first SA either, so I don't get vulnerable with men very often.)

I feel like I'm asking all the right questions in my ENM relationships, always checking in on primary partners, being courteous and showing up with good intentions. I'm in a celibate marriage and I'm so in need of affection and intimacy but keep getting really hurt... And then I become vengeful. I'm a very kind and generous person until I feel I'm disrespected.

Is ENM is a bad lifestyle for me? I have FWB so I am capable of that type of relationship, but I'd like more connection, like I had with this guy, but with honest ethical communication obviously! How do y'all navigate the veto conversations/situations? And is it common that a veto ends with ghosting? I am so bad with ghosting...which is another story.