r/EthicalNonMonogamy

New to ENM, kinda, and we found ourselves in an unplanned, but fantastic, three-way situation with a long time friend. Completely organic, ethical, fun, mature, respectful, etc.

We haven't discussed or posted about our scenario on Reddit until now, we've just been reading through posts.

We (all late 30's) turned to Reddit -as is our go-to for learning- and what we thought we wanted, we're seeing now as possibly too complicated, but only because everyone seems to insist that it be. Not too complicated because of anything the three of us are doing or planning, but now we're feeling forced into these side discussions about rules v boundaries, why labels are important here but then we should never use them because of "reasons" and almost afraid to bring this scenario up because throuples are evil?? There's so much noise to these ever changing rules/boundaries, that we're all seeing Reddit's polyamory community as one giant gatekeeping group and it's a big turnoff. It really seems like everyone is either 18-22 year-old or they are secretly against polyamory for whatever reason.

Honestly, if real life polyamory communities are even the tiniest fraction like this, we can't see why would anyone want to be part of it. This can't be how it is IRL, is it?

We understand that there's so much more of a need to be mindful when you're allowed to open your heart to others and the care needed to respect their hearts, but Reddit seems to be doing all it can to call anyone even considering polyamory immature, irresponsible, selfish, and idiots for not knowing everything ever written on the subject.

I'm posting here because the other subreddits would probably ban me for not giving it full praise and definitely for me not working in a snobby gatekeeping comment.

I'll likely get flamed here but in all of my years on Reddit and learning about a new subject, this is the first time I've felt animosity towards a group I thought I wanted to be part of.

Husband (25M) and I (20F) have been discussing opening the relationship and bringing in a woman.
We both are on board and have had a handful of talks and I want to have more but don’t know where to start.
We have talked about why or what we strive to get from this dynamic. I want to go into this making sure we are respecting each other and communication is open and safe (and not judged). We don’t want to jump into this and take our time when we start looking for a third and make sure the vibes are right if that makes sense.

Seeking wise on my end I want to explore my sexuality at my pace and realistically attracted to romantically and I want to build a friendship or more with her at the beginning. Husband is wanting her more on the sexual end and open to romance (he has expressed he would love the idea of me cucking/directing them when/if I’m comfortable which I have expressed interest in exploring)

We have had a couple “what if” conversations but both of us really have no clue what would happen and feel like this is a go in blind and discuss as it happens- type of situation. I want to have more what if’s but no clue what could happen.

What advice, questions, ideas, suggestions, anything lol do you have? I want to make sure we are going into this right and healthy not just jump in and not have the necessary conversations we may be missing (I say I because husband is going into these types of relationships completely blind and I have some knowledge of different types of relationship dynamics)

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Now I'm not sure if this is quite the right thread to post this in but I'm fairly new to Reddit as a whole and am not well versed in its communities.

Context: Essentially my problem lies here. I'm a 28M who has been with my girl for nigh on 4.5 years now and arguably for 2 of those years our sex life was so fantastic I didn't even think about it (rose tinted if you will/honey moon). When I met her I came from a background of having had sub 20 partners. She on the other hand had one sexual experience (which without getting into detail was terrible for her) and having met me realised there was a whole world associated with sex that didn't revolve around pain/fear. She had her first orgasm with me. In her mind her 'first time' is with me. A lot of her firsts were with me.

When I met her I had an appetite for polyamory, threesomes (had one and it was fun) and was on the cusp of more or less leading a sexually frivolous life until I met the right girl. BAM. The right girl appeared months into me being single. And god guys she is the right girl in so many ways.

Just not here.. she is quite vanilla. Now I've attempted a whole myriad of techniques/methods to communicate my desires and bring her out of her shell but short of it is, is that she isn't built like that. Her sex drive comes and goes and when it's around only really revvs up to the vanilla gear.

In recent years my sexual appetite has been feeling boxed in, chained up if you will. And for the past 3 or so I'd say it's rebelling even. I already know what she'll say if I ask her (even with the guidelines of this thread) to have one (MMF Or FFM idc) - she'll say no and my purpose is not to ask for ways to 'change her mine'. No.

My question is to those that were in similar relationship conditions that bottled up those feelings of polyamory, swimging, playfulness. How did you manage these feelings? Did they go away and when? Did you try 3s with ur partner and if they rejected this part of U, feel ultimately the relo was more important? Could use a lil (lotta) guidance here. Appreciate 👏

Hi all

My (she/her) partner M(they/them) and I have been together for about 4 years. When we first got together they told me they have cheated on every past partner and that they think this is because monogamy isn’t really for them. They told me that realistically at some point they would probably fall for someone else and want to be able to pursue it. Politically and logically I agree, and I told them that. I said that I have only ever been monogamous and I think that’s my nature but I am open to the idea of it. We have had an amazing relationship since then, are really strong as a couple, have great communication and know we want the same things in life. Have literally just moved into our first home together and always enjoy each others company. Over the years they kept saying this is their longest time not cheating on a partner and maybe it’s actually that they were just in unhealthy relationships before and also unmedicated bipolar.

A few weeks ago they went out with 2 coworkers for drinks and didn’t get home until 4am. I felt that something was up by the way they acted when they got home and the next day they confused they got really drunk and ended up kissing one of them (G). We have discussed that we don’t really believe a drunk kiss is cheating or anything more than that. M felt like they failed me and we had a long conversation about non monogamy and our views on it now. M admitted they have a crushed on
G and wanted to know what would appropriate in my opinion. I told them how it hurt me that they hadn’t told me about the feelings before but that I understand they cannot help the way they feel.

M’s ideal situation would be having a relationship with G in a capacity where they have a date once a month but that our relationship is still the main priority and they don’t want to harm it in anyways. But that they would like to pursue it. Where I am at is that this brings up so many unknowns and feelings and I really don’t know how to make this work. I told them I would be okay with trying it, and I am, but figuring out boundaries and navigating feelings will have to be an ongoing honest discussion.

M got a drink with G and told her how I felt and how they felt and she is interested in trying it out. She was very concerned about how I felt and did not want to do any wrong towards me / our relationship. M came home and told me they agreed that on a date every 3ish weeks and that they wanted to be able to text in between otherwise it would be weird. They also didn’t want to have to have so many guidelines and boundaries that it felt planned and inorganic, which does make sense to me.

My concerns are that they work together - M is confident about their ability to maintain professional and keep it seperate, which I do believe. However I hate thinking about that fact that they are spending 40+ hours a week together even if it isn’t in that capacity. M and I only spend evenings (they get home around 6:30-7:30) and weekends (when we aren’t busy with other engagements) together and often it ends up being errands / chores etc. which I really enjoy and we always have fun but I worry I’m the boring housewife and they’ll be out dating having fun with G.

Another concern is about how often communication happens. Since the kiss, I noticed a shift in M being on their phone heaps more and being kinda secretive about it. They usually say it’s just work related but it’s hard to know what is work and what is G when they work so closely together.

Personally I am open to the idea of me seeing another person too but I wouldn’t know how to go about it and also don’t want to take away from time I could spend with M.

Sorry this is very long. M and I have spoken lots about all of this and they are very reassuring about how much they love me and they will be honest with me and that they could just push these feelings to the side if need be but I want them to be able to be true to themselves and love in the way that is authentic to them.

Any advice or tips or feedback or anything for me?
I want to make this work and I think that it is possible but I also cannot help the anxiety that it all gives me.

Other info - we are getting married in 1.5 years and then we want to have a baby via sperm donor and I have vocalised that I don’t think ENM during baby time would work as being a parent will be crazy exhausting and they agree which is partly why they think now is a great time to pursue it. My anxiety is wondering will they be at the wedding/ what will that feel like for me/ if they’re still seeing each other by then would they then break it off when I got pregnant/ what does this all look like?
I am generally not an anxious person at all but I am probably on the spectrum so find it hard to not have distinct plans.
Also G has broken up with her bf a couple weeks ago (M says completely unrelated) and is also bipolar, which is partly why they have such a connection as well as working in the same industry

I feel like I fucked up, I feel like I fucked up really bad and I'm questioning everything.

My husband M24 and I F22 have been together for a little over 3 years and have been married for 2 years. Our sex life has been all over the place within the last three years. When we first started dating we had sex nearly every day for at least 4 months straight. Our honeymoon stage was intense and I fell madly in love with him right away. I got pregnant around the 6 month mark of our relationship and due to painful intercourse and intense nausea, sex came to a halt for us. I really wasn't able to perform sexually at all when I was pregnant. Handjobs, blowjobs strong smells and sensory discomfort during intimacy would make me gag. we had sex a handful of times when I was pregnant.

something else, my husband has a very strong odor (bad breath) that I started noticing when I was pregnant that became a contributing factor to why sex has been icking me out. we have tried going to dentists and doctors for reasons and treatments, but no doctor or dentist has noticed anything wrong that needs to be treated and no one else seems to notice the smell besides me.

after pregnancy I was really hoping our sex life would pick back up but unfortunately it didn't. It continued to be a struggle to get intimate and due to pain, discomfort and smells I really really struggled to have sex with him.

After about a year postpartum I noticed that I was starting to get turned on again and feeling sexually aroused, but just not for him. I went a while without telling him because I really wanted to avoid hurting his feelings and saying something I couldn't take back. after a certain point I did decide to talk to him about my feelings and gave him options, we could separate (if that's what he wanted) we could continue not being intimate, or we could open up the relationship on his end so he can still have sex. he wanted to open things up. he gave dating apps a shot for a few months and nothing came out of it, not even a single date. he wanted to close things back up so we agreed.

I've managed to somewhat fix our dead bedroom and we have sex about 2-4 times a month when I'm really desperate and needing it. I can only have sex with him in certain positions and we rarely kiss/makeout so I don't get icked out.

I want to have more sex than this. I'm young, I'm fit, I'm pretty and I want to enjoy my sex life. so, I talked to him again recently. I asked him how he would feel about opening up the relationship so we could both have more sex, he agreed and we downloaded tinder together, we agreed to tell each other everything and that if either one of us felt uncomfortable that we needed to communicate it and I made it very clear that I was happy to close things back up if he ever desired we do so.

well, basically 10 minutes into having a tinder profile I got over 100 likes and was getting bombarded with messages. It was honestly a little overwhelming so I talked to my husband and asked how he felt and he said it made him kinda sad how much easier this was for me than it was for him, but he encouraged me to continue on and to find a date. so I did. someone messaged me, he was cute and he gave me his number and we were going to set up a date for the next day (yesterday). I showed my husband and asked if he approved and he honestly got a little upset, he said it was frustrating that it was so much easier for me to find a date than it was for him and he was feeling confused by how excited I was about it. we got into a back and forth about it and then he said some hurtful comments. things like how he didn't think I spent enough time and energy playing with our daughter (I work from home and also am with her whenever I can be), he said that he was feeling a little hurt by how little intercourse we have and he also said that he didn't feel like I desired him.

I immediately felt like shit and deleted the app. told him I was okay not trying ENM and that its okay if he wants to be done. went to sleep a little sad that night I'm not gonna lie.

next day the guy from tinder messaged me (on my number) and asked me to dinner. I showed the text to my husband and asked how I should respond. I told him I wanted a hard yes or a hard no. That if he wasn't sure or if it made him uncomfortable TO PLEASE TELL ME NO. he said yes, he encouraged me to go. He told me to get ready for my date and that he would set one up for himself too.

I got my date set up, I got ready and I felt smokin. I was honestly really excited. My husband had a date too, I thought "we're both set up, it's gonna be a great night for the both of us".

my date goes amazing, the guy is super nice, respectful, and we hit it off. he gave me head... a lot of it and it was really good. I really haven't enjoyed myself like that in a while.

midnight rolls around and my husband starts calling my phone as I'm leaving. I give a kiss goodbye to my date and I call my husband back and ask how his date went. He's sobbing. Through tears he is asking me why he is not enough for me and why I was out so late. Said he hated his date and he could only think about me the entire time, said he kissed her and then told her he needed to go home. he felt awful about the whole thing. He was begging me to tell him everything that happened and to come home right away. I felt absolutely fucking awful. It was definitely the worst post nut clarity I have ever experienced in my life.

I got home and I gave him the details (it didn't help) and he cried for hours until he eventually cried himself to sleep. I of course told him that we didn't have to continue this lifestyle and that we could be done right then and there.

Well today is the day after and my husband is feeling only slightly better but says he feels betrayed and confused and says he doesn't feel like he is enough. he says he feels cheated, said he's not built for ENM and thinks its wrong and just "communicated cheating".

I'm at a loss, I've apologized so many times already and I'm not really sure what I can do anymore. I feel sorry for him, and myself, and my date who I will likely never see or hear from again after the text I sent this morning saying I had to cut things off.

I'm seeking advice, signing up for couples therapy, and genuinely trying to think of anything I can say or do for my husband right now to mend his feelings and make him feel loved and wanted.

Someone recently brought up a scenario where they could potentially run into someone they know at church. Awesome thread. It lead me to start thinking more into the general top and now I’m curious. Are there many members here that wrestle with faith as you pursue ENM? This isn’t a question implying people should be, it’s just an area I’m interested in exploring and I wonder how it would begin to blend with my Christian faith.

Background: Im a 32 y/o trans-nonbinary person whos just started dating a 36 y/o woman who practices ENM/solo polyamory. Previously I was in a monogamous relationship for over 10 years, and have been single for the last two years. This is the first relationship ive been in since splitting with my ex, and largely the first non-monogamous dynamic Ive ever been in.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now. I have a fantastic time with her and we care about each other deeply. Im still working to wrap my head around being non-monogamous, mostly considering she has many partners while i am currently only dating her. The power difference gets to me sometimes. For example, she and i usually talk every day. When I dont hear from her at all, I feel sad and lonely. But if I were to not reach out to her all day, I think she might eventually notice, but she wouldn't ever feel lonely because she has nearly endless options for affection and sex and connection. In that respect, we aren't on equal grounds. To be clear, I am absolutely allowed to date others, and I am somewhat looking for another partner but dating as a trans person can be difficult and scary at times. Its something I have to do with caution. I also dont want her to feel sad or lonely. Im glad that she has this network of people she can connect with and it gives me joy to know she gets to be true to herself and her polyamorous nature. Its not change that im seeking, its my own growth. I want to feel secure enough in myself and my relationship with her that it doesn't make me spiral when there is distance between us for any reason (be that her spending time with other people or just living her life) Does anyone have advice on how to increase my comfort with my non-monogamous partner?

Disclaimer I had to use chat gpt to help me write this formally please don’t bear me up over it haha. Just very overwhelming topic for me
My partner has joked a few times about sleeping with one of her female friends, and she’s also joked about us finding a “unicorn.”
When she talks about the unicorn idea, though, she describes an actual mutual relationship — all three of us dating, potentially living together, sharing responsibilities and finances, and being someone we both trust around our family.
The thing is, her jokes don’t make me jealous or insecure. Under the right circumstances, I’d potentially be open to her exploring with another woman, and I’m not necessarily opposed to a three-person relationship either.
But I don’t know how much of this is just joking/fantasy versus something she’d genuinely consider, and I don’t want to pressure her by taking the jokes too seriously.
How do I bring this up in a way that’s basically, “Hey, if there’s some truth behind these jokes, I’m open to talking about it,” without making it awkward or sounding like I’m pushing for it?
For anyone who’s gone from joking about ENM/polyamory to actually discussing it seriously, how did you start that conversation?

Forgot almost she jokes about being with her lesbian friend and being with her bisexual female friend more than another guy.

My experience so far with dating has been catastrophic and it's hurting my self-esteem. I'm not sure if it's me and I'm doing something wrong.

Since we started ENM, both my husband and I have had very different experiences. We opened accounts on different dating apps and everything was very exciting at the beginning. My husband (40M) matched with a very nice woman with whom he connected immediately, and basically he found, in a matter of a couple of weeks, exactly what we were both looking for: a nice connection, a friendship that made him excited and that he could have fun with.

Me (40F), on the other hand, didn't have the same experience. I matched with a guy. We met. Fantastic first date. Both excited. Texts declined from his side. He was "too busy" but still interested. In the end it ended because I didn't see that he was interested enough to make time for it.

Second match, nice guy. We couldn't meet in person before he left on holiday for three weeks, and we both managed to stay engaged through text for those three weeks (that's a lot of effort). We met in person after that. Nice vibe and very exciting. After that we were both busy for a few days, and it would take a week until we could meet again. Texts declined from his side. He finally reached out and said that he'd lost excitement for nothing in particular; it just disappeared.

With women (I'm bi), it has been even worse, the few matches I did get barely replied after matching....Why is that?!

I'm very, very vulnerable right now, and I feel very bad about myself. I'm not sure why this is happening. It's good to know that I've always heard how good-looking I am, above-average attractive, fun, funny, a good friend, and how everyone likes to be around me, but this is giving me proof of the opposite, and I can't believe anything positive right now.

Has this happened to other people? Is this normal? I've just paused all the dating accounts for now, because going through this again will kill me.

Anyone ever been in a foggyland kind of state?

I am in a pretty transitional time of my life. Me and my husband of 6 years (together for 10) have been practicing ENM/polyamory for 2 years and are now separating/ divorcing in the next few months. Irreconcilable differences not related to polyamory or sex and it is amicable. I had a long-distance FWB that turned romantic for a bit, but we’ve recently grown distant as we are both essentially going thru the same thing and he doesn’t want a more entangled relationship at the moment. I’m fine with keeping him as a comet, but as the naturally curious and flawed human-being that I am, I recently turned on the dating apps again. I haven’t been dating anyone new in over 6 months… but now feels like a TERRIBLE time. This long-distance friend talks about returning to where I live in a few months, but they are not committed to polyamory so I presume he will lose interest in coming back to my city.. his main motivation is that he is a snowbird and likes being in my city during the winter months.

Anyway, I don’t even know what I want anymore, but I DO feel like it would be terribly irresponsible to date monogamous single people right now, especially ones I see myself as having a high likelihood of high compatibility. This other guy (the LD FWB) I feel like is safe to keep on the back burner since he isn’t looking for something serious and I don’t feel like I’m compromising my values or happiness by staying in touch with him. But ugh, I do feel very… foggy-headed. Do I even want to be polyamorous anymore? Do poly people have phases (LONG phases, I’m talking years) where they don’t date anyone or anyone new? Why does that prospect feel so lame? I have been investing my time in my friend groups and community and hobbies so I feel well-rounded, but I don’t feel settled anymore in terms of my dating philosophy anymore. There’s a real part of me that would love to be monogamous for an indeterminate amount of time with LD FWB.. idk.

After coming out as bisexual to my (30F)wife a while ago, she has been amazingly supportive. Recently, she has let me know that she supports me (36M) exploring my sexuality (closeted for 18yrs) with others.

While supportive, we are both worried about the affect me exploring could have on our relationship. We have 3 kids and our marriage has been beautiful and full of love over the last 12 years. We have established safe boundaries and I have made it clear that if she is uncomfortable with it that it all stops immediately. We have a very happy marriage and the sex is fantastic.

On my end, I’m scared that doing this will have a negative effect on our marriage because the fact is, once the deed is done it is done. Despite her efforts to reassure me, I’m scared of hurting her. I’m scared that while I’m spending time with someone else she will be hurt.

On her end, she has been open and fully explained her feelings and concerns, which we have talked about. She is concerned that I may want someone else instead of her (ie I enjoy sex with a man more), which I have explained isn’t the case. Sex with her is backed by love, excitement, and our life together; sex with anyone else is just sex. She is afraid of losing the emotional attachment as well as the physical.

We are both trying to work full this fully before any decisions or actions take place. Any advice, resources, or thoughts are genuinely appreciated.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I’ve read the subreddit rules, and I hope this post is okay. I’ve looked around online trying to find the right place to ask about this, and this seemed like the most appropriate community I could find. I honestly don’t know where else I could get a genuinely honest perspective on this, so I decided to ask here. Everything I’ve written is true, and I’m genuinely looking for advice and perspectives from people who may have experienced something similar.

English isn’t my first language, so I used AI to help translate this post. I hope that’s okay!

Hi everyone, I wanted to get some perspective from people who may have gone through something similar. I hope this is the right place to post this. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a bit long, but I could really use some outside perspectives.

First of all, I’m a bisexual guy. When I got together with my current girlfriend, she knew about my bisexuality from the very beginning. We’ve been together for around ten years.

She has always been very LGBT-friendly and open-minded. She’s basically the classic girl who’s really into BL and yaoi.

At the beginning of our relationship, we didn’t really talk much about this side of me, although she always said she was happy to have a bisexual boyfriend.

Over the years, though, she gradually started teasing me and playing around with that part of my sexuality more and more. I want to make it clear that this was a very gradual process that happened over several years, not some sudden escalation. It started with the occasional Instagram reel, and only much later progressed to MMF bi porn and increasingly explicit fantasies.

I always assumed this was pretty normal considering how much she likes BL and yaoi. I mean, it made sense that she might be curious about or turned on by the idea of a threesome.

Over the past few months, though, things have… intensified.

She started talking to me privately, and quite insistently, about other guys, having sex with them, and some pretty intense fantasies involving me and other men.

I always saw all of this as just fantasy, which was completely fine with me. Honestly, I even enjoyed it.

Then something happened a few weeks ago.

For some context, I’ve lost 70 pounds and started going to the gym. My body has changed quite a lot and I’ve gotten pretty muscular/defined.

We often go to LGBT parties and events around our area, where some of our friends also go. Nothing sexual at all, we usually just eat, hang out and talk.

The thing is… quite a few guys have started hitting on me. Nothing super obvious, to be clear, but still noticeable.

I’ve always turned them down, obviously.

But a few weeks ago, just for fun, I played along. I flirted back with one of my gay friends, completely as a joke.

My girlfriend witnessed the whole thing, walked over to us, and with what I can only describe as yandere eyes (I genuinely don’t know how else to describe it, sorry) said:

“Keep going, don’t worry. I won’t join in. I can just watch if you want.”

Then she laughed it off.

I was a little surprised. Usually, we’ve always kept these fantasies between the two of us. But since it was one of our friends, I didn’t think much of it, and she also confirmed that she was just joking.

Then literally yesterday, I told her about an erotic dream I’d had about a guy.

She gave me those same yandere eyes and basically started begging me to have sex with other guys.

She told me that if I didn’t feel like talking to guys myself, she could even set up a dating app profile for me, help me find guys, bring them to me, and watch everything without participating herself.

She was incredibly proactive about it, almost as if her life depended on it.

What surprised me even more was what happened when I hesitated.

Instead of suggesting that we jump straight into anything sexual, she proposed that we start with something much more low-key like going together to a gay nude beach.

Apparently, what excites her about that idea is the possibility of me flirting with other guys while we’re both naked. She seems particularly fascinated by the idea of being there with me, watching me interact with and attract other men, while sharing that experience together.

Now, I have no idea how long this has been building up inside her.

She talked to me like someone who had been walking through the desert for two months without a single drop of water, only to completely lose it the moment I finally opened up a little.

She says I should show off my new body and wants to let other guys enjoy it while she watches.

And honestly, this is where I'm starting to realize that her fantasy might be less about simply “letting me have sex with other guys” and more about watching me express that side of my sexuality in front of her.

I felt a little objectified, but honestly, I was also turned on by it.

I mean, I do miss having sex with guys. I’m not going to lie about that. But my girlfriend is incredibly important to me, and I absolutely don’t want to jeopardize our relationship.

So now I’m a little torn.

Part of me is genuinely curious and excited by the idea. Another part of me is scared of what actually acting on it could do to our relationship.

How would you handle something like this? How do you balance the desire with the fear?

And are there any women here who have experienced something similar with their bisexual boyfriend?

So we are just getting into this idea. I’m 43 and she’s 40 and we have two kids. We’ve talked about this a lot and we take it very seriously.

We’re looking for an ideal partner that would embrace both of us and become a part of our family. This feels like a real needle in a haystack kind of situation.

I’d be curious to hear from people - mostly women - how they’d feel about joining a family.

This might be strange to say but our family is rock solid. My communication with my wife is great. We live great lives. We have two kids. But we want someone in our lives that is really invested and loves us and is a great partner for us. When we make friends with people they usually disappoint us or they move away.
My wife is great, super loving and giving and kind and smart. And she deserves another partner and I know she’d make that partner (a woman, which is what we’d both want) really happy. And if the woman was kind and caring she’d make my wife (and I) really happy as well.

Are there women out there that seek out this kind of situation? Joining a family with young kids? Or am I just going to feel disappointed by a lack of interest and options?

I guess I’m just genuinely interested in any thoughts people may have.

Thank you

This is interesting and its been something I have been afraid of happening. So has anyone, doesn't matter your faith, but have you ever accidentally stumbled across a church member? I mean, I think it would be hilarious to find another church member, you know, great minds think alike? Or, imperfect minds think alike. I don't think I would feel shame nor feel the other should. We're all human. But it would be hella awkward to run into them at church.

At this point, wouldnt it be better to try and hook up with a couple or partner at a bar? I am new to the app business and never knew where to start, especially being married, wife wants to but thinks she's too out of shape and insists I go solo with the "spare me details" or "either work overtime wink wink", or "you are going to the gym" kind of thing. I have not yet ventured out. In a way, I don't trust apps, or people and rather us do it together. Sorry I went segway and tangent mode

I suspect the answer is that these people believe polyamory is the only valid form of ENM...but curious to hear thoughts from others about a trend Ive noticed building over thr last 3 years.

It started with monogamous people lecturing others about ENM while having very little knowledge or experience if it. I noticed them continously claiming a person can only practice non-monogamy if they are in at least one serious amd committed romance.

Now I see the same argument bubbling up in ENM spaces from, presumably, ENM people.

Thoughts?

I had posted my story a week ago, and some things came up now.

https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/Sg0tltIBl9

Val wants to be friends with BF.

When I declined the "whole weekends" she wasn't happy and needed time to think. When BF tried to initiate another date, she got very angry and cut contact. That's okay, she also deserve the relationship she wants.

Last week, after my post here, she had contacted him again and asked if they could be friends and then have whole weekends again. Didn't thought much of it at the moment.

BF said he didn't knew if he wants to continue with Val, because she acted so badly to the "one overnight limit". I asked for clarification, because in my info she just said "that isn't what I wanted".

Turns out, when BF talked to Val about another meet up, she tried to manipulate him. She wished for another whole weekend, tried to convince him to broke my limits and expected him to do that for her, even that she knew that would hurt me.

At time she was sad, I was so sorry for her, that I wasn't comfortable with a whole weekend. I even told my BF to tell Val my excuse for the situation. I even felt bad for her.

I'm feeling so betrayed from both of them. BF because he neglected us so much and Val, because i felt guilty for the difficulty situation.

At this point BF don't know what he wants. He says he needs time to reflect all the things that happened with Val. That a friendship could be possible for him. But, that he is concentrated on us and thinking closing the relationship should be the last straw in repairing our problems.

Normally I'm not a person that dictate who you can be friends with. But Val is making me feel unwell. She is so fixated on having another weekend with BF. After what she tried, I don't trust her.

I don't want Val in our life. She disrespected me and i can't understand why BF wants to be friends with someone, that wanted to hurt me, to fill her needs. Because BF needs time to elaborate the last three month, I'm all alone with my thoughts. The whole situation also don't help with my numbness, even BF is giving his best.

Am I overreacting, wanting to put Val on the messy list?

After all the amazing advice all you beautiful people gave me I’ve spoken with my boyfriend in a way that worked for us both. We’ve agreed on a choice that works for us and going to see how that goes🥰

or

Not Quite as Over as I Thought

Do you like reading really long, meandering, probably overly-detailed posts about starting ENM? Then this post is for you!
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I'm finally getting to earn my New to ENM flair!
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About nine months ago I published a post about how my wife (we'll call her Wife) and I kind of stumbled into discussing ENM. You can read that here, but the gist is we didn't go into it properly AT ALL. I went on a date, my wife freaked out, but it started me really wanting to try opening our relationship.

If you want to explore my post history, you can see a lot of how things went over the next several months. Wife met up with and ended up becoming friends with the woman I went on the date with and kissed (we'll call her Lady). I used Reddit to learn much more and to deal with some of the things we were going through. A lot of responses, no surprise to anyone who frequents this sub, said we were doomed or that I was being cruel and needed to either let go of my desire for ENM or leave my wife.

We both went to therapy. I went to learn to deal with this awakened desire. Wife went to talk about that, but also some root issues with self-image and control. Her therapist suggested a few months ago that she not discuss ENM anymore until she had herself in better order. Honoring her request, I would only talk about it if she brought it up. There were personal ups and downs, but through it all we both knew that we love each other and at no point did we really consider separating. I took solace in knowing that while I still had desires, my agency was in choosing to put us and her wellbeing first, even when she told me things like how I should just cheat on her.

A month or so ago, Wife said she would be okay with me contacting Lady. It had been cut off so abruptly and opened up so much for me that I had some pent up issues. We texted some and she was friendly, but at this point she was in a committed relationship. However, Wife told me that Lady had told her that she and her boyfriend (call him Guy) "played" together. Wife briefly met him when she went to Lady's shop one time, but didn't recall much other than he was friendly with our kids. Anyway, Lady and I didn't have any deep conversations, but she was always friendly. We talked about getting a coffee (with Wife's permission), but she was doing a lot of traveling and had a lot going on.

A couple weeks ago, after one of my therapy sessions, Wife told me (she'd often ask how things went and I would be open with her, which sometimes led to more ENM talk) that opening was something that the thought of turned her on a little, and a lot of what was holding her back now was not a fear of losing me to someone else or having to turn off her feelings about us, but feelings of being judged for her body or looks. Mind you, she really is hot, but she feels like if someone gives her a compliment they're just being nice or are being insincere for whatever reason.

This past Friday we thought we'd have an impromptu date night. Wife texted around to some friends to see if anybody was up for a last minute meetup. One of the people she texted was Lady. The two of them have only gotten together a few times as their schedules didn't often match up. Guy happened to be in town and they thought it would be fun to all go out. Wife dropped this on me a little over an hour before we left.

Continued in comments.

My wife (41F) and I (53M) have been together for 3 years and we've been polyamorous the whole time, though she had been my only steady partner up until recently. (I'm just a very slow, careful, methodical mover.) I've recently met a new girlfriend (42F) and things have been going well. They have also met, seem to enjoy each other's company, and the three of us have hung out together, planned days together, and still have more hang-outs on the calendar.

Recently, my girlfriend asked if I'd be open to going to a ballet some time and I agreed. My wife also enjoys ballet and it's been a while since we've gone. Looking at the prices of some of the decent ones, I feel that it would be financially more viable for the three of us to go. (Otherwise, I'd feel that it's important that I take each on separate occasions, resulting in double the ticket costs for my own seat.)

My gut tells me that if I bring this up to my girlfriend, she'll gladly agree that the three of us go. I feel that what's more important to her is that she gets to go and that she doesn't have to go alone. BUT, since she brought it up when it was just her and I, I feel that maybe she'd prefer it just be her and I. I plan on having this conversation with her shortly (when we hang out next, because I don't want to do it via text.) But, here are my thoughts that I wanted to get additional perspective on BEFORE having the talk.

Is this in bad taste to ask if it would be acceptable if the three of us go? I don't want her to feel like these things have to be all three or nothing.

There are definitely things that I only do with my wife because they're not things my girlfriend is into and there are definitely things that I only do with my girlfriend because they're not things my wife is into. And, since the three of us do enjoy hanging out together, it seems like this would be an ideal event for the three of us, regardless of the fact that there's also cost savings.

But, I'm concerned that if I bring it up, she'll say yes and secretly be annoyed by it. My hope is to really dig in to take her pulse regarding the idea before I just take her first "yes" as being 100% on board. But, is even suggesting it a bad idea? Should I just keep it her and I because she asked me when we were alone, and just suck it up regarding the extra cost?

I just wanted to get an outside perspective before I move forward with either a conversation or just simple ticket-buying.

Looking for advice, my spouse of 10 years has recently come out as Bi and I am so happy for him! Truly, I am. I questioned if I was bi when I was younger, tried and realized it wasn’t for me. I have encouraged him to explore but a part of me does wonder if it will end up causing him to no longer be attracted to me or be picturing the other person while him and I are intimate. We have an incredible sex life, multiple times a week and I have never once worried if he was cheating. I am fine with the act of him exploring that side of him I just worry that he will view me differently after and possible start to prefer the other partners. We have been extremely open about this part of our relationship, even looking at people for him together and I have no problem with that. And I have expressed my anxiety on that part and he reassures me and says the second I am no longer comfortable he will stop ect I guess I am just looking for other people’s experiences. Thank you all and much love!