r/EthicalNonMonogamy

I’m married and have been seeing someone in an ENM situation for a little over a month. Everything has been honest and consensual, but I’m starting to develop real feelings for her, and I’m realizing I may not be as emotionally prepared for ENM as I thought I was.

I don’t want to mislead her, pressure her, or make my emotions her responsibility. She has been honest with me from the beginning, and I respect that. At the same time, I feel like I need to be honest about where I’m at emotionally and possibly realign before I get deeper into something I may not be able to handle in a healthy way.

I’m struggling with how to approach the conversation without sounding possessive, clingy, or like I’m trying to change the agreement. I care about her, but I also know that ENM may not be something I’m currently capable of navigating without getting hurt or hurting someone else.

For those with ENM experience: how do I communicate this clearly and respectfully? How do I say that I’m developing feelings and may need to step back or reassess, without making her feel like she did anything wrong?

Hi all! I don't have a community to ask, so here I am. Long post, so strap in. My partner (40 m) and I (38f) have been married for over a decade and have built a very strong and communicative relationship. We decided to try ENM about 4 years ago. Since then our life has gotten very busy with work and kids and we find solice in each other's company. We have started to go to conventions and he has really thrived! He is quite attractive and has women throw themselves at him. I love that they show him attention because he doesn't think he deserves it.

Over the past couple of years ENM has gone from a pipedream to bringing my partner having sex with a couple of women, solo, without me(which we discussed). He also has had a long distance intense romantic digital relationship. All interactions we discussed, negotiated, and spoke openly about.

Flash forward to about 4 months ago. He became good friends with a couple and started doing online roleplay(Dungeons and Dragons) with them, and did a lot of side RP with the wife. The wife(35f)-lets call her Liz- and my husband's character became romantically involved in the game, going on dates and even having sex in the RP scenes. All this happened when I was working as a bartender 2 nights a week. I noticed the connection and repeatedly asked about how close they seemed to be getting. He assured me they were only friends and that Liz was monogamous but bisexual with a past of poly, because he had explained our lifestyle to her. I had interactions with her as well and consider her a very attractive woman (I'm bi) and a casual friend. He and I agreed that we both thought she was attractive and lamented that she was monogamous.

Flash forward to a month ago when he and I went on a much needed trip to a nerd convention, we got there early to enjoy the city. We hadn't had much alone time due to work and parental duties. We were looking forward to chilling before the chaos began. He made lunch plans with her as soon as we arrived in town. Throughout the whole lunch, they flirted with each other with me right there, like I didn't exist. He and I check into our hotel room and i have a conversation with him saying that it's plain that there is a connection between them and that it seems like more than he let me believe. He finally confessed that they do have feelings for each other and had for a month, but she was monogamous and they were only friends. He then said "But I shouldn't be left alone in a room with her", to which I replied "Then try not to be alone with her". We left for dinner and drinks with a big group of friends. When we all got back to the hotel, we were ALL invited to a room party to celebrate a friend's birthday. When the elevator didn't work, we took the stairs to the party room. I turn around and Liz and my partner aren't there. An hour and a half later, he shows up to the party, after not responding to my texts for 30 minutes. Low and behold they slept together. I was crushed. Less than 9 hours into our vacation, he confessed deep feelings for another person and then acted on them when I asked him not to be alone with her. After he told me she was monogamous and I had nothing to worry about.... Before he and I even had a chance to be alone together longer than unpacking our luggage. I explained how hurt I was and he said he thought I would be ok with it. I explained how wrong he was. I want to be maintain friendship with her. I want to be ok with them having a relationship. That's what polyamory is all about. Caring about more than one person.

I said that I want us to all be friends and that they can maintain a long distance relationship, but not to flaunt it in my face. But now he has to interact with her while I am working nights to provide for our family. Since then, my jealousy and resentment has grown. I feel like I was lied to for months about their relationship, when asking point blank. I think she is obsessed with him and loves him. He claims they haven't said I love you, but my gut says that once again more is happening.

I am still jealous and hurt and I can't shake these feelings. Does anyone have insight on how to heal or what to do with this situation? I truly believe we are soulmates after 15 years together. I don't want to end my marriage or even stop ENM. He says he will end their deeper relationship, but she is struggling and has no friends, so he doesn't really want to end the relationship. And she has since the convention she opened her marriage and posts how finding that one person at the right time is so magical. Help, please! I'm struggling.

This could be a complicated post - my wife and I have been married for 39 years. I am no longer able to "perform" the way she likes it, which is hard, prolonged, and from behind. In fact she is darn near instatiable when it comes to that. Well, we do have fun times together that do not involve that because I am not capable (we have tried everything short of implants so far) so about 5 years ago we opened up the marriage so that she could get what she really wants and craves. I have been ok with it for most of this time - and she would go alone to meet with the guy (usually younger) of the moment. Our rules are simple - no sneaking around, STD testing she tell me everything in as much detail as I want/need. This has worked pretty well for us for the most part and she is getting what she needs/wants. The past six months or so now, I feel like she is liking it a bit too much. She is being reticent about telling me "everything" and she also seems to be increasing the frequency of her sessions. Also, our own playtime seems to be flat and not as creative or satisfying as it has always been. I cannot prove anything but I just "feel" like she is drifting away. We do talk about this and she reassures me but I think she is going through the motions. I love her and don't want her to stop however I also am afraid I am losing her. I've never been jealous of this arrangement and I'm not jealous now as far as I know, but I am just getting sad and missing what we had together. Men - if you are in something similar of a situation I'd love hearing from you. And if you are a woman, if you have been in this situation, give me your thoughts on this.

Seems like every story I read starts with the husband wanting to open the relationship. I feel like I’m the opposite.
I was the one who brought up ENM because I wanted the freedom to connect with other men while still loving and being committed to my husband. That conversation was way more nerve-racking than I expected, but it ended up opening the door to a lot of honest communication.
I’m curious… how many other women here were the ones who asked first?
Did your partner surprise you with how they handled it? Were you worried they’d take it the wrong way? And did actually dating other men turn out to be what you expected, or was the reality completely different?
Would love to hear from other women who made the first move on this. Feels like our perspective gets talked about less.

Quick note: This is my writing, just ran through AI to make it more readable, for timeline and general grammar. I am extremely emotional and wanted to make sure everything made sense. This is a long post and I thank you so much for considering reading!

ALSO I'm posting there here because I do not want anti-poly comments. I don't really think this is about the system of polyamory, if anything it's about how ONE person involved does not respect the generic expectations of it, but I think it plays more into control than polyam.

Hi! I'm 29F, married to my Nesting Partner (NP, 30M), and polyamorous. My other partner (42M) isn't really involved in this situation, so no advice is requested regarding him. A year ago, all three of us identified as both swingers and polyamorous. My husband and I used to be able to switch back and forth between the two, but my husband struggles with this and is now aware of it. He no longer identifies as a swinger—just polyamorous. He has also had a girlfriend of one year (28F, no advice requested regarding her).

*Note: I have a personal therapist, and we also see a couples therapist. However, our sessions are few and far between right now, and I really need some outside perspectives.*

My husband and I are fighting constantly, and he is currently dealing with severe mental health struggles. That said, I don't feel he is handling things well, and I need more opinions. My husband is autistic, aromantic, and has diagnosed ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). He also has undiagnosed CPTSD steming from childhood physical abuse (resulting in black eyes and bruises) and slight sexual abuse, though he hasn't experienced new trauma in 12 years. Additionally, my therapist and I have discussed that he exhibits narcissistic tendencies due to his childhood, though this is an undiagnosed observation from my side only.

For context on my side, I am diagnosed with ADHD, MDD, GAD, and have undiagnosed Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), OCD, and hypersexuality. My other partner's only official diagnosis is hypersexuality, though I suspect MDD and PTSD.

One year ago, I started seeing my Secondary Partner (SP). My husband and SP aren't best friends, but they don't hate each other either; I’d call them neutral. My SP has a big, loud personality, which generally annoys my husband. No harm, no foul—I only ask that they be able to communicate neutrally in case of emergencies. However, they initially butted heads at a swinger party. My NP was trying to hook up with a woman whom my SP had brought as a friend. She turned my NP down, claiming her partner didn't allow her to hook up with anyone. Later that night, she hooked up with my SP, as they were long-standing friends with benefits (FWB). This heavily impacted my husband, but he directed his anger at my SP (whom I wasn't dating yet) instead of the woman. My NP called him an ethically immoral person and a terrible friend. Because I wasn't seeing SP at the time, I felt my NP was overreacting and did not take his side. It was her choice, and they had an established FWB dynamic. I saw no issue with it, but I also knew it wasn't my business. I moved on, but I believe my NP held onto that resentment.

Over the next few months—which marked the beginning of my relationship with SP—my NP and SP interacted frequently. SP is goofy, loud, chatty, and over-the-top. As an introvert, my NP dislikes people with that energy, though he was always respectful to SP’s face. Eventually, I decided my partners should interact as little as possible due to my NP’s underlying attitude toward SP's personality.

Later, my SP invited me to a swinger party. NP told me I could go but asked that I abstain from penetrative sex with anyone for safety reasons, since SP was the only person we knew there. I agreed, attended, got handsy with another couple, slept with my SP, and came home. A month later, I attended another party and the same thing happened. After this second party, my NP broke down. He stated he no longer wanted me to swing without him. He explained that swinging was something he emotionally connected with me over, and doing it with someone else made it feel like it wasn't special between us anymore. I vehemently disagreed, which sparked a year-long fight. He didn't want me in "group sex situations" without him present. My view is that in a polyamorous relationship, no partner has a say over what remains exclusive between two *other* partners. They can absolutely express what is important to them and open the floor for discussion, but it didn't feel like my husband was just opening a discussion.

About three months into my relationship with SP, my NP started dating a new partner. His new girlfriend asked him not to participate in group sex activities due to her germaphobic OCD. He spoke to me about it, assuring me that because *he* could no longer participate in swinging, he wouldn't take that freedom away from me. He also made sure I was comfortable with him pursuing this relationship even though it meant he couldn't swing with me anymore. I agreed, though I mentioned I would miss sharing group activities with him.

Shortly after, SP asked me to join a threesome with a mutual friend of all three of us (me, SP, and NP). I informed NP, who had a complete meltdown. Because he viewed group sex as our unique connection, he was devastated that I actively wanted to have a threesome with someone else. We fought bitterly, and I ultimately called off the threesome to avoid further drama; it just wasn't worth it. Around this time, SP and I began exploring BDSM—something I never thought I'd experience due to my NP’s CPTSD triggers. My NP actually encouraged me to explore this because he wanted me to be happy, but he requested that BDSM never enter our home and that I never come home severely bruised.

Fast forward a bit: NP agreed to couples therapy. One of our primary goals was for me to better understand why group sex held such a unique, exclusive emotional weight for him. NP stated he wouldn't even participate in group sex with his new partner if she asked, because it was a bond reserved strictly for us. This made me uneasy, and we discussed it in almost every couples session. Eventually, I voiced that I felt he was controlling my sexual freedom. This triggered a PTSD meltdown for him, and he asked for more time to process. I granted it to him, wanting to be respectful while he came to terms with things. It has now been 6 to 8 months since our first couples therapy session, and very few of these issues have actually been resolved. I understand his perspective better, but we haven't reached real resolutions.

Meanwhile, my individual therapist and I kept discussing my NP’s behavior. Noting his narcissistic tendencies, my therapist voiced concern, and we re-evaluated whether my NP’s actions stemmed from a desire for control. We both wholeheartedly agreed that it felt like control, whether intentional or not. Together, my therapist and I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and stating firmly that I refuse to give him control over my sex life. I drew clear boundaries and read them to him, and we discussed them in couples therapy. The discussion went okay; NP was overwhelmed but assured both me and the therapist that this wasn't about control and that we would discuss it further later. Afterward, NP pulled back a bit. We agreed to a temporary ceasefire and paused the group sex discussion because it was becoming far too draining for both sides. As SP and I continued exploring BDSM, I came home one day with bruises on my bottom that were smaller than two handprints. Because I was under the influence of THC, I wasn't thinking clearly and bent over before sex with my NP, accidentally revealing the bruises. This sent my NP into a full PTSD episode. I apologized for putting it in his face, and we moved on. He discussed it with his therapist, and I learned from the incident, promising never to visually expose him to it again. However, I explicitly told him I would not give up BDSM with SP.

Later, SP invited me to his birthday party. It was a swinger event where group activities would likely happen, but he knew I wouldn't be participating. I waited a week to figure out the best way to ask my NP if I could go. When I finally asked, he blew up before I could even provide details, accusing me of breaking my promise not to ask for group sex. He was furious that I would even request to attend a swinger event. I explained that I would not be participating—only watching at most, which isn't active participation—but he remained furious. He stated he absolutely did not trust me or SP at an event like that. Recognizing how heated things were, I asked to pause the conversation and walked away. Before I could get away, NP followed me to explain his reaction. I asked for space again, and he left. Moments later, he came back into the room to add more thoughts on how he arrived at that headspace, and I screamed at him to go away. This outburst likely pushed him into another episode, and we sat in the same house in total silence for nine hours. Finally, I called him in and apologized for screaming, but explained that he had refused to give me the physical space I explicitly asked for. He understood, but he still didn't want me to go to the party. Exhausted, we went to sleep.

Shortly after, my NP and I got into a massive fight—the kind where I left the house and genuinely considered not coming back. It centered on feeling like my sexual freedom was being controlled, his lack of progress in therapy, his failure to actively work on his PTSD (he started individual therapy last fall for the first time since he was 19), and his chronic inability to listen to or respect my needs regarding my autonomy. I left the house and requested total radio silence until I initiated contact. This fight triggered another PTSD episode for him, but I had to leave for a prior commitment. I was angry and left him alone during the episode—something he hasn't forgotten, though he claims to have forgiven me. For the next 24 hours, NP texted me continuously about how messed up, struggling, and sorry he was. I held my boundary of not discussing the relationship, muted his notifications, and kept my distance.

Three days later, I came home and we talked. Out of nowhere, NP said, "No, you're right. You should be allowed to be in group activities. I'm just in a really bad state of autistic regression and burnout due to life stress and all our fighting. You and SP can participate in group activities, but I don't want to discuss them or know they are happening. I want to reopen this discussion in September." My immediate thought was, *Great, what if September comes and he just tells me I can't do it anymore?* But instead of spiraling into "what-ifs" (a personal habit of mine), I told him I appreciated the concession and closed the conversation. Things were peaceful for a few days.

Suddenly, the topic came back up. I don't remember the exact catalyst, but it led to us discussing his decision to let me swing. He got angry, which made me angry, and the familiar feeling of being controlled rushed back. I asked him directly, "Are you mad that I didn't turn down your permission for me and SP to do group activities?" He responded, "That's a loaded question." I walked away again, and this time he let me go. We talked a few hours later, and he apologized, saying he didn't mean it that way. We had a long, level-headed chat and both came out of it feeling calm. Afterward, I left for SP's house. I had committed to spending a solid week there because my work schedule had been chaotic. On the drive over, it hit me like a brick wall: *My husband is a controlling narcissist.*

I spent that full week with my SP, and it was honestly the best week of my life. I didn't have to argue. I didn't have to fight to be noticed. I was met with continuous love, safety, and affection. I realized *this* is the peaceful life I actually want. I broke down crying to SP about everything. He told me I deserve to be with someone who doesn't make my daily life hell. After sitting with that reality all day, I looked at SP and told him I think I want a divorce.

A few days later, I returned home to my NP, and we immediately argued over something incredibly minor. He took a joke too far, which hurt my feelings. When I brought it up, he claimed he shouldn't have to apologize because I already know he makes crass jokes. I explained that given how fragile our relationship is right now, he needs to be gentler and less mean. He blew up because to him, "mean" implies an explicit intent to cause harm, and since he didn't *intend* to hurt me, he felt an apology was unwarranted.

Last night felt like the absolute final straw, and I need to know if I am being unfair or just completely overwhelmed by the cumulative weight of everything. During sex, NP tried to remove my shirt. Because I had bite-mark bruises on my chest, I told him no. He immediately spun into an episode—flinching and panicking—and said, "You come home marked up every single time. It's not okay for me to have to deal with this."

I pointed out that this was maybe the sixth time I had ever come home with bruises in the entire duration of my relationship with SP. My NP has a very low sex drive; he rarely initiates sex, and when we do have an intimate connection, he rarely takes my clothes off. Most of our sexual intimacy consists of him giving to me, which I genuinely appreciate and value. Because of this, he rarely even knows when I have bruises. This was only the third time he had actually become aware of them.

After I clarified this, NP said, "I just don't understand. You know this bothers me. You know I asked for no bruises. You know I don't want it in this house. When we got married, you said you were okay giving up BDSM forever. But you aren't even willing to avoid bruises to keep from triggering me."

This absolutely floored me. I responded, "When I said that years ago, we were strictly monogamous and I had never actually experienced BDSM. It is entirely unfair to hold me to that or ask me to stop now, especially since you explicitly encouraged me to explore it with SP." He started protesting that my stance wasn't fair.

Recognizing that the conversation was entirely too heated—and because I had just taken a hit of THC—I enforced a pause. I told him, "You are too heated right now, and I just used THC. Neither of us is in the right headspace to navigate this logically. We are stopping this discussion and we will come back to it later."

He began arguing against the pause, claiming I wasn't respecting his feelings by shutting down a conversation that mattered to him. I explained it was a matter of basic logic: we both act like assholes when we are heated, and I cannot fight fairly when I am high, so I was suspending the talk for our own good.

He refused to stop. He kept talking and talking, pivoting to adjacent topics, claiming it was completely fine to keep going because he wasn't discussing *the* specific forbidden topic anymore. Furious and emotionally checked out, I tuned him out completely and let him ramble until he finally ran out of words. He thanked me, we ended up having sex because he suddenly felt heard and validated, and we went to bed.

It is now the morning after, and I am parsing through everything. I need serious help. What are your thoughts?

(Don't just say dump xyz or stop being polyam, those are not ideal solutions because this clearly runs deeper...)

I ask this since I see a lot of divided answers when it comes to this.

I’ve personally always felt like this is more of an identity to me, akin to me being gay, for example, being non-monogamous feels like an innate part of my identity that I don’t think I can change.

However, many people say it’s not really an identity but rather a choice, and that lowkey has made me feel oddly invalidated.

I’m not saying that you seeing non monogamy that way is bad, in fact, that’s why I’m making a post.

I don’t wanna create space to debate what is the “right” way to experience these feelings, but rather as a place to share perspectives.

I’m listening! :))

Hey everyone, looking for some real advice on a compatibility situation. My girlfriend and I live together. I work full-time, she works part-time, and romantically, everything is great. She wants to stay together longterm, but she recently brought up opening the relationship.

She was totally upfront about it: things are fine with us physically, but she genuinely prefers and needs a bigger guy to be fully satisfied sexually. She wants to be able to go out and get that fulfillment from other partners while keeping our romantic relationship exactly as it is.

I don't have any desire to see other people myself, but I’m not completely ruling out the idea of letting her explore this. I get that she has a specific physical need that I just can't change, and she deserves to have that part of her life fulfilled. I'm just trying to figure out what the best relationship dynamic is here.

Can a one sided open relationship actually work when one partner just wants to stay home and be monogamous? Or is there a way to compromise on this, or are we just looking at a fundamental incompatibility where we should start talking about separating?

Would love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar. Thanks.

While I have dated some non-monogamous women, at the moment I am single. As a man, dating at all can be difficult, but dating non-monogamously seems infinitely harder. Can a single man really say he is non-monogamous? I am also bi, which is also a challenge in terms of dating. And I could date a woman monogamously, but I would still be bi, even if I wasn't seeing men. Is it the same with non-monogamy? If I am single can I still proclaim non-monogamy? When I was dating a solo-poly woman, I had no luck finding other partners, but since my partner had other partners, I considered myself polyamorous. Is that accurate? I am trying to understand terms, beliefs, and how and where I fit in. Thanks!

Hi! I (36F) have been with my partner (39M) for 6 years. We are perfect together and have a wonderful family. We are both bi. I am completely on board with an open relationship where we date the same sex. I have already done this and it had been great. He is having more difficulty. He says he just can’t find anyone he likes. Where we live is not exactly the most friendly and open place for LGBTQ. He is very into the hot-wife lifestyle, and has been pushing me to go out with a man. Honestly I have no real interest in it, but would do it for him. He would like to be with other women. I have told him before I don’t know how I would feel about it, and I don’t have the same compersion he does. I am open to exploring opposite sex relationships together but he is interested in solo. I have all the books and am trying to get to that point but it’s not easy. I have done therapy and will probably start again soon. Just hoping to hear some stories please to help me. Thank you everyone in advance. I apologize if anything is offensive and am open to education on these topics.

Recently had a discussion clarifying boundaries and such just to be clear we are not open really just online sexting and stuff she can do whatever and my pics need approval essentially is the difference.

Reason for my pics needing approval are basically because I am terrible at taking pictures of myself or in general. Wife has said she will help with that. I have made the attempt to take pictures of myself and she tells me I need to take a lot of pictures so I do in an attempt to get better at this.

I have on multiple occasions asked for help with pictures, offerd her to take my phone and delete or modify pictures to make them passable. Every time I ask for help she has an excuse either "I just want to be alone for a minute" or "I just woke up" among others.

I give her space, have even tried asking a general time frame that she think she would need. Every time I come back she is glued to her phone. Now she is not sexting exactly but is reading comments on her NSFW pictures DMs responding to them. So I guess I feel like she has time for these complete strangers and is pushing my wants and requests to the back burner while she is enjoying her new freedom.

This is frustrating for me because I feel as if I have no content other than words to even take advantage of this new thing we are supposedly allowed to do. I have a few pictures like 2-5 that are NSFW. But those are not the best and I also am not the type of person that is going to DM women randomly hoping to sext. It gonna be a while before I can experience this freedom most likely I just want to be prepared for if I get the opportunity if that makes sense.

I am really happy he is enjoying sexting and getting affirmation from strangers because she is beautiful and I love seeing her happy.

Is this just jealousy? Am I wrong for expecting assistance before I am basically confined to the couch while she texts with strangers? It's all i can think about like im stuck cant make any real moves to experience anything. Waiting for some perfect timing where the planets are aligned to get help. And then do it again while waiting for an experience to happen.

Ok, so, we have been married 17 years, I’m late 30s, and she is mid 30s. We are pretty new to this whole thing, and we both are/were enjoying it very much. But the last few times my buddy has been around I get jealous if I’m not there because I KNOW she is flirting with him. When I am there, it isn’t a problem, but when I’m gone I get jealous. I hate this, it’s weird for me, I’ve never really been a jealous guy.

I guess it stems from the fact that she didn’t want anything to do with any of this, until one night, she did, it was odd, but worked out fine till now.

My buddy was over last night while I was out at my shop, I actually came home early because I couldn’t stand the fact that I KNEW she was flirting with him.

So, how is flirting a trigger for me, but him being inside her not at all. It makes zero sense to me. Anyone else have any advice, or experience with this?

Edit: I believe, talking with my buddy, I have figured out the problem behind the problem. I never got jealous about their flirting until my wife said something that hurt me, I clammed up for almost 2 weeks, then we worked it out. Since then I’ve had issues with not trusting her when I’m not around. She goes back and forth between him and I and says different things. So, I guess that is that then. Too bad.

So, has anyone been through anything similar? And fixing that distrust? The distrust wasn’t even sexually related.

We have been together for 13 years. I have two kids there’s been some infidelity on his side and currently he has been talking to another girl and since as that was saying at the house but we’re still hooking up and it’s really exciting to do it that way I don’t know why. We have started discussing possibly an open relationship because we both want to be with each other but I want to explore being with a female and he wants opportunities to be with other females. I told him that we will continue to discuss it, but I told him that he cannot continue the relationship with the girl he was talking to I think that’s a reasonable request to start fresh and not bring any baggage back into the relationship. am I wrong ? I just need some advice if anybody else has been in this situation I really wanna stay together with him. But I can’t handle him still talking to someone he was cheating on me with.

My secondary partner broke things off pretty abruptly and said his wife was really scared that her feelings of rejection were going to ruin our ENM situation making him resent her and leave her... He also tried to minimize my feelings by calling me his FWB despite going on romantic dates, calling me lover, holding hands. He says I wasn't honest with him about my feelings for him - which he said was me being unethical about not being honest about that. In my mind it was pretty obvious how much I dug him! I keep failing in my ENM relationships... But this one doesn't seem ethical to me. I didn't realize he was hiding such a messy and insecure marriage. He told me to grow up when I tried to explain I felt disrespected. He is a mental health worker too. I know I struggle with rejection, I get really mad when I'm told I'm wrong when I am not... But am I wrong?

I’ll try to be short so if you have any questions please ask. I’m 21F and my bf is 25M. We had an issue around a week ago where he went to see this other girl without telling me. We promised we would tell each other any encounter we had with anyone else, but his excuse was that he didn’t have sex with her so he didn’t think he would have to tell me. He said they just went for ice cream. But the way I’m feeling is that if he couldn’t even tell me he went to get ice cream with this girl, how can I trust him to tell me when he does more with someone else? That same day I also found out he had more than one partner. He was talking to someone else without telling me. They didn’t meet up but were planning to. Our agreement was for this open relationship to just be sexual but he’s getting pretty emotionally invested in the first girl I mentioned. We can call her Jay.

So yesterday I went to my bfs place (we live an hour 30 away from each other) and when I got there he sprung it on me that Jay was free that weekend so he wanted to bring her back to his place. I said that was okay with me. He brought her back, I eventually left to go get food for all of us and that’s when they had time to have sex. I came back and I felt really awkward.

This is the part that’s bugging me the most. His brother invited us (just me and my bf) to go watch fireworks for 4th of July with his friends, the brother’s wife, and their baby. My bf invites Jay to this family activity and he introduced her to his brothers friends but not me. While we were at dinner he shared food with Jay and his sister-in-law looked at me confused. I made up some lie and said I was sick and wanted to go back to his place instead of fireworks. We went back to his apartment and I lied again saying there was a family emergency and I had to make the nearly 2hr drive back to my town. When I left, they had slept in the same bed together. He has a pull out bed in his living room so I assumed one of them would sleep there, since I don’t ever sleep with my partners in the bed that I sleep with my bf in.

This was just supposed to be sexual and now he’s bringing her around his family and sleeping in my spot on his bed. When I asked him why he allowed her to sleep in bed with him he said “how am I supposed to know what you want and don’t want” I’ve never EVER slept with my other or had them sleep with me in the bed that we sleep in. I thought it was common sense and respectful not to do that. And when I found out he was seeing her behind my back, that’s when I told him “hey this is nearing emotional cheating for me so please be careful”. He talks to this girl so much, telling her details about his day that I’m not even getting. I talk to my partner to briefly catch up or to set up another time to meet up. I’m never telling him deep stuff.

My post got longer than I thought. But this is my first open relationship like this. Maybe it isn’t for me. I just feel like he’s replacing me and not listening to my boundaries. I’m confused because one of my friends said this is what I get for agreeing to an open relationship, and the other one is on my side saying he’s being too emotional and he thinks he’s getting two gfs out of this. I’m not talking to him right now but I doubt he will miss me since he has his backup gf to keep him company. But please tell me, am I being dramatic right now? Should I continue to try and communicate with him or just call it off?

My partner (F33) and I (M27) of 3 years have been ethically non monogamous for about a half a year, and there hasn't been other people introduced to our relationship apart from some short lived flings that didn't even reach the point of sex before they broke away. This has allowed us to be able to explore ourselves, to open up a new level of communication with one another, and to be really honest with ourselves.

Her and I have enjoyed it so far, but recently my girlfriend has found a girl (F23) that is "reaching parts of herself she's never had access to". I can tell this is the first person one of us is really falling for. She's pretty open about the fact that she thinks about her all the time and they've discussed progressing their relationship with eachother.

Because we haven't gone past the point of just kissing other people and exploring attraction, I feel super out of my depth, and I'm afraid she'll leave me to be with her because there are things being affected within her that she has said for a long time that I could not do.

I'm open to the process, but I have a lot of fear that she's simply going to view me as a friend before long.

Any advice on how people have navigated these beginning stages in ethical non monogamous relationships, and what happens when your partner is head over heals for somebody else?

Myself (36M) and my wife (36F) have been together for 14 years and it has always been pretty toxic and I have done a lot of wrong. As of a month ago, she decided we are not in a relationship anymore and then over the next few weeks it has been back and forth on what she wants. She has been on and off seeing another man that we both knew from a previous job for 11 years without me knowing it past the initial time she told me she cheated. But now, I have since been forgiving and even mentioned I am open to her just having us both as partners. I love my wife but I also understand why she sought out another situation. But now, the most recent status is just friends and I am waiting for her to taste a bit of freedom. The only downside is that she is going and doing her thing while if I do anything with anyone else then she would be done with me. What would you guys do in my situation?

to make a very long story short, my partner has basically 0 interest in sex, and we have had basically no sex life in the past 4/5 years at this point.

im not even high libido, but a total lack of intimacy (nothing more than cuddles, no kissing, no flirting, not even compliments) is starting to weight a lot on me. we go to therapy but there’s nothing to do in this front, my partner just has no interest in sexuality in general. I’m not gonna break up over this (and I considered it for a long time) because we built an otherwise beautiful life together

we opened our relationship once, and I was about to have a hook up with someone but I called it off and closed the relationship back up. I just felt I was putting my needs in front of my partners feelings and that I was being selfish and just felt wrong. back then it also felt like we could rebuild our sex life, which is now apparent it is not the case.

the thing is, its not even necessary the act of intercourse itself that I want - I want to feel wanted, to feel chased, to for once not having to basically beg for it. i feel like I’m emotionally virgin because i literally don’t even know what it feels like to have sex with someone who wants you. also, I try my best not to have my sexual frustration spill over the rest of the relationship but it still does.

my partner brought up the idea of opening our relationship again in the past. they werent happy about it, but they thought it could basically shut me up and keep me satisfied and would improve our relationship, but I don’t know. on one hand, i feel like I’ve put my partners feelings over my needs for long enough, on another hand, im not even sure if random hookups would even do anything for me.

Title: Happy monogamous marriage, but I have fantasies my wife doesn't seem to share. Looking for advice.
My wife and I are a happily married couple in our late 20s, and we've been married for 3 years. We have a loving relationship and good communication overall.
One thing that makes this confusing for me is that my wife has a very adventurous personality when it comes to intimacy. She enjoys coming up with fun ideas like playing truth or dare, adult card games, and talking about exciting scenarios or adventurous places where we could be intimate. She enjoys trying new things together, which is something I really appreciate.
At the same time, I've realized that I have fantasies about non-monogamy. During an intimate moment, I mentioned it once, and she told me it's not her type. I respected her answer and haven't pushed the subject again.
Another time, while we were flirting, I told her I'd find it exciting if she wore a very attractive outfit in public, and she responded enthusiastically in the moment. I know people often say things during role-play or dirty talk that don't necessarily reflect what they want in real life, so I'm trying not to read too much into it.
I'm confused because she's very adventurous with me, but she doesn't seem interested in non-monogamy.
For people who have been in a similar situation:
• Have you had a partner who was sexually adventurous but still firmly monogamous?

•	Should I simply accept that this fantasy is something we'll never share?

•	Is it common to keep certain fantasies as fantasies without acting on them?

•	If I ever bring it up again, what's the most respectful way to have that conversation without making her feel pressured?

I love my wife, and protecting our relationship is far more important to me than any fantasy. I'm just looking for perspectives from people who've experienced something similar.

After a lot of discussion, my husband and I decided to explore ENM. Our ideal dynamic is something more than anonymous swinging but less than poly; we’d love to find another couple we genuinely enjoy spending time with and hopefully build an ongoing friendship/FWB-type connection.

We met an experienced ENM couple on an app who seemed to be looking for something similar. We met twice before anything physical happened and had long conversations about boundaries, expectations, communication, etc. The husband was especially communicative leading up to the meetup—checking in regularly, expressing enthusiasm, and generally giving us the impression that they valued intentional communication and not just a one night stand type of situation.

We had our first sexual experience together this week. It definitely had some 🔥 moments, but it also wasn’t perfect. My husband was nervous and couldn’t maintain an erection, which we both learned a lot from and aren’t overly concerned about long-term.

After they left that night, we sent a lighthearted follow-up text that night and got a friendly, but brief response.

What surprised me is that it’s now been a couple of days and…nothing.

No “thanks for having us,” no “we had a good time,” no “we’re still processing,” no “we don’t think it’s a match.” Just silence.

I’m genuinely trying to understand whether my expectations are off here.

Is this pretty normal in the swinging/ENM world after a first encounter? Am I approaching this too much like monogamous dating, where some kind of acknowledgment is expected? Or would you also find the lack of follow-up a little unusual given the amount of communication beforehand? I’m also maybe overthinking the lack of erection thing; surely an experienced couple would understand this and not write us off?

I’m especially interested in hearing from experienced couples about what your post-play communication typically looks like.

Hi all! This is just a vent and I want to be immediately clear that I am not generalizing this community at all and am just sharing my experience in my specific local engaging in ENM and am curious if anyone else has felt this or if I’m just having bad luck or maybe I’m just not likable lmfao.

My (25F Bi) Boyfriend (25M) have been ENM for about 3 years and have played with different dynamics. Over the last 2 years or so I have been looking for a FWB or even possible romantic/poly connection with myself and another sapphic identifying woman. I am matching with people on the apps with the same goal, yet I keep running into the same problem and It’s completely exhausting me at this point; nobody gives a fuck about anyone but themselves. I could ask them 1000 questions about themselves yet never do they turn around and say “what about you”. I told a girl “i graduated grad school last week!” and she legitimately replied with “i’m really sad today, can you give me attention.” It could be days and days of talking and they haven’t even asked me what my job is even though I know the name of their childhood cat.

I’ve especially noticed a lot of bi women who are seeking experiences with women also completely want me to be the man. Pay, be the one to travel or drive or pick them up, compliment them without expecting compliments in return, plan everything, ask about them and do nothing but listen and dote over them. None of them seem interested in treating me like a feminine equal. I’ve even returned the favor of sexy pictures with no acknowledgment after making them feel gorgeous.

I got on facetime with a girl one time and she did not ask me a single question about myself and legit just talked about her husband the entire hour long call. The same girl then told me over text that she wanted to be my girlfriend but I had to ask her because she doesn’t chase. It just feels so belittling.

On multiple occasions, different women would constantly send me snap chats of them kissing on their male partner and saying “my baby” “the love of my life” etc. That doesn’t bother me or make me jealous on its own, but all of those things combined it just starts to give “i want more attention and my man said i’m only allowed to get in from another woman because with a man it would be cheating.” I’ve literally had a girl tell me that it’s a one sided open relationship because she would probably kill her man if he hooked up with another girl. Just so so so belittling.

Has anyone experienced this as well?