So my boyfriend is open, I personally respect it and want that for him, I couldn’t do it myself so I’m closed off for him. Where do we even begin? How does he find someone? Are there good free dating apps? I’m so new to this!!
I’m curious how much you talk about one partner with another, specifically your sex life.
The context: my primary partner always enjoys hearing about what I’ve done with other people, in part because I have had some more adventurous experiences. But also because it’s a turn on for him; I view it as a form of his voyeurism. What I’ve shared has tended to be a little more broad and removed from the immediacy for my actions.
A few nights ago was different. We had talked about me going over to his place after I’d been with another guy, and I finally did it. I enjoy exploring my naughty side, and knowing he gets off on it is also a turn on for me. While we were making out and then having sex he asked and I shared some details of what I’d just done a few hours ago with another partner.
I’d love to hear more about how other people navigate this. What they share…or don’t. What they want to hear…or don’t. And also how they navigate different levels of interest and comfort in the topic. I don’t think I would share as much as I do if I didn’t know my partner really likes to hear it. He respects my boundaries and doesn’t talk about his other partners.
Are these people having threesomes just stumbling upon someone on a night out ect . People always go about having a threesome but what the hell are they doing to end up in one 😂. We'd love a threesome and all I see is shit about unicorn hunters ect- I wouldn't say we were! Are casual 3somes really a thing?
I gotta clarify that I am really new to polyamory.
My partner and I have known each other for 3 years and we have officially been dating for 5 months now.
We are in an open relationship, so we are not complete newbies to ENM overall, and that agreement has been wonderful for both of us.
However, we have had bits of interest for polyamory here and there, and it’s been strange to say the least.
First time it happened was with one friend of his, amazing guy, he is my friend now too and I don’t mind the friendship with benefits we all have.
That guy himself is poly and had expressed feelings for my partner… That made me very insecure and jealous, out of nowhere I felt very protective of my partner, probably the first time I’ve ever experienced jealousy.
I THINK it felt bad for me because that friend wanted parallel polyamory, which is a very valid way to live polyamory, but for my partner and I felt very alienating and secretive even, we really value transparency and being able to get to know everyone involved, it just sounds more peaceful.
So he listened to me, agreed with me, and declined the offer. I thought that meant polyamory wasn’t for me.
Then came the second time it happened, another friend of my partner, someone slightly older, wiser and very caring of him. He recently confessed his feelings.
And I felt NO JEALOUSY, in fact, I felt extremely happy for my partner, because this friend of his is someone he really cares about deeply and can provide some of the stuff I cannot provide myself in the relationship.
I found myself smiling by the way he talked about how he felt about this, literally no jealousy at all so far.
Why do you more experienced poly folk think this happened?
Is it weird to feel jealous over one prospect, but perfectly chill over another one?
I’d love to hear any feedback, thanks!
I’m 25F and my partner is 39M. We met on FetLife last September. We both had recently come out of relationships and things moved very quickly. I was actually the one who wanted openness/non-monogamy at the beginning, because I had just left a relationship where I felt restricted.
Over time, the connection became much more serious and emotional. We spend a lot of time together, cuddle, play games, go dancing, share daily life and I do believe we love each other. When things are good, I feel very loved and cherished.
But we also have a difficult emotional dynamic. I have anxious attachment tendencies and get triggered by uncertainty, other women, inconsistent reassurance and feeling like I’m not special. He is very freedom-oriented and does not like feeling restricted. I need more emotional reassurance and consistency than he naturally gives, while he needs spontaneity and autonomy.
We are both on FetLife/Joyclub and the relationship is open. I have also met other people, including sexual/kinky dates, so I’m not against openness in general.
One issue is his ex. They broke up shortly before we got together and in the beginning he was not fully honest with her about me existing. She only found out about me later. Recently she stayed over at his place while I was there. I was polite and even made food for her, but the situation felt weird and afterwards she said things about me that were not true. He defended me, which I appreciate, but they still text every day and talk on the phone a lot. I’m not necessarily afraid he’ll go back to her, but it feels emotionally messy.
The biggest issue is sex.
In the beginning our sexual/kinky connection was amazing. That was honestly a big reason I started seeing him. We had chemistry, intensity, kink, desire and fun.
Now we haven’t had proper sex in about two months. He says he is not aroused because of stress and pressure in the relationship. He still likes being with me romantically: cuddling, spending time, sharing life but sexually he feels blocked with me.
At the same time, he hopes that swinger parties, couples or other women might help him get aroused again because of novelty and the unknown. He says at home with me, the situation does not awaken arousal and doing sexual things without arousal feels weird to him.
This is where I struggle. From my perspective, it feels painful that our sexual connection is blocked but outside sexual experiences are still treated as possible or exciting. I don’t want to be the romantic/home base while sexual energy is searched for elsewhere. I feel like openness feels safer when the base between the couple is stable including sexually.
Recently he did try some sexual things with me again, like spanking and fingering and it felt good. But he wasn’t really aroused and I feel like he is doing it for me rather than because he is genuinely into it. That makes me sad because I miss the sexual connection we had in the beginning.
I also know I can spiral by asking too many details about other women, texts, or parties. One question leads to another and then I get emotionally overwhelmed. So part of me thinks I should stop asking for details. But another part worries that I’m just avoiding reality.
My questions are: • Is it reasonable to want our own sexual connection to feel more stable before outside sexual exploration becomes a bigger focus? • Can an open relationship work if the romantic bond is strong but sex between the couple is currently blocked? • How do you handle it when one partner’s arousal seems tied to novelty/outside situations, while the other partner wants sexual connection inside the relationship too? • Is this something that can improve with less pressure and better boundaries, or does it sound like a fundamental mismatch?
I don’t want to force him into sex. I don’t want duty-sex. But I also don’t want to feel sexually left out of my own relationship.
I’ve been in an open relationship for 3 years with my husband. We solo date and we’re both open to poly. I’ve never had a true poly relationship, more like FWB dynamics but this new person I’m seeing hits different. Definitely in my feels more than I’ve been in a long time.
Anyway, anyone else find NRE exhausting? Like I oscillate from having a ton of energy but then crashing from the hyper focus and just being a bit more emotionally up and anxious. I think it’s due to the intermittent reinforcement and not knowing where things will land. Trying to enjoy it for what it is and take it one day at a time! We’re also long distance which probably doesn’t help the NRE 😂
**TL;DR:**
My partner and I wanted a shared kink/ENM experience with a straight dom/sub couple, but the setup naturally split into separate pairings and the other woman unexpectedly introduced a much deeper emotional dynamic with me. Now my partner fears it’s turning into parallel solo experiences, while I feel overwhelmed trying to manage a dynamic I never wanted to become this emotionally heavy.
**Full context:**
I (41M) and my partner (45F) are relatively new to emotionally layered ENM/kink spaces. We’re both bi/pan and usually imagine group intimacy as collaborative and fluid
The other couple is very straight and role-defined:
•he is a seasoned sadistic dom
•she is his long-term sub into heavy D/s, CNC etc.
My partner was excited about exploring submission with him because he’s experienced, restrained and psychologically grounded
But importantly: she wanted it to feel like a *shared experience* between us. She wanted me around co-domming, suggesting, watching, participating, grounding her when uncertainty/newness makes her tense. That excites me too as it fulfils my fantasy of watching her and relishing the moment
But structurally the room naturally splits into:
• my partner + the dom
• me + his sub
So it already started feeling less like a shared mesh and more like two parallel dyads
Initially I imagined my interaction with the other woman staying lighter/playful/tender while the emotional center remained on me and my partner exploring together
Then things became more layered. The other woman started joking in the group about feeling left out while discussions focused more on my partner’s dynamic with her dom. My partner suggested maybe I should help include her more
I openly said in the group that I’m autistic and genuinely struggle with rapidly shifting emotional focus in multi-person situations, but I was open to hearing what works for her
At one point her dom said:
“She’ll do what I say.”
She replied:
“So I’m a sheep?”
And he replied:
“Yes, you are, slut.”
That clarified how established and asymmetrical their D/s dynamic already is !!
The next day she privately messaged me saying the more she imagined “dom/sub” dynamics between us, the more tense her body became. She described sex as emotionally deep/raw/primal, said “the body keeps score,” wanted slowness and uncertainty instead of predefined roles, and basically wanted to let things emerge naturally between us instead of treating BDSM as the starting point
It was honest and thoughtful. But now everything feels psychologically reorganized
Because now:
• my partner fears this is becoming “parallel solo experiences”
• I feel pressure to emotionally include/manage someone I originally thought would stay inside her existing dom/sub structure
• the original fantasy of sharedness/voyeurism/co-domming feels blurry
• the emotional bandwidth required suddenly feels massive
And honestly? I’m overwhelmed.
I’m not emotionally fascinated by the other woman. I’m not trying to rescue her or build another relationship
I wanted:
To witness my partner exploring something intense/new
stay emotionally connected to her through it
engage lightly/playfully/tenderly with the other woman
keep the center of gravity on me and my partner
Instead it now feels like I’m somehow responsible for ensuring another person feels emotionally included/safe while simultaneously trying not to lose my own partner in the room
My partner has now said:
“If this becomes bandwidth allocation and emotional management, then this stops feeling like a shared experience for us.”
And I think she’s right
At the same time, I understand the other woman’s perspective too: she likely doesn’t want to feel like a side character while her dom and my partner have a more clearly defined dynamic
So I genuinely don’t know how experienced ENM/kink people navigate this kind of asymmetrical setup
Questions:
Has anyone dealt with a situation where one person wanted emotionally emergent intimacy while the others approached things more structurally/playfully?
Is this a compatibility mismatch between fluid bi/pan dynamics and rigid straight pair structures?
At what point does “being considerate” become emotional over-functioning?
Is overwhelm itself a sign the structure may simply not fit what my partner and I actually want?
How do you preserve “us-ness” in group play when logistics naturally split everyone into separate pairs?
Hello all! I 24M am currently engaged to my 27F fiancé. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and engaged for almost a year. Today she sent me a text stating this;
“I want an open relationship. At the end of the day, I still want us. I’m still committed to you, our relationship, and the future we talk about together. I’m not looking for another relationship or anything physical with anyone else. I would never cross those boundaries. I just feel like there are emotional and social needs that I’ve been struggling with, and I know you have sexual needs and interests that look different from mine. Instead of either of us feeling restricted, resentful, or disconnected, I want us to figure out a healthy balance that still protects our relationship first. For me, that would only mean harmless companionship hanging out, going on casual dates, feeling emotionally fulfilled but nothing sexual, physical, or serious. Like absolutely no kissing or anything like that. As for you, I understand the online sexual stuff, as long as it stays online, anonymous, and not with people you know or are from around here. I also think it would only work if we kept strong boundaries around it. I don’t want either of us constantly talking about other people or comparing experiences. I’d rather keep that separate and continue focusing on us, making intentional time for each other, prioritizing our relationship, and making sure we still feel connected and secure together. At the end of the day, we’d still be choosing each other. We both have been trying to change each other for the past couple years, because we both have different needs not being met. So instead of trying to change each other. We can always close it, if it’s not working or if it’s not what we want. But at the end of the day I still 1000% want you and we are committed to each other.”
Now obviously I’ve learned that once one person says the words “I want to open up the relationship” it really means that the person who says it doesn’t respect the other person and at that point the relationship should be called off. To give some background information. I’m a porn addict. I’ve been caught on sites like PHub, OF, Redgifs, and even Reddit. After a while it’s caused issues in our relationship especially on the sexual side. Our relationship is very sexually active, however I have certain kinks that my fiancé doesn’t like. Hence why she mentioned online website. Her needs are needing more romance and love in the relationship. I as a fiancé don’t take her out on dates or plan time for us. I usually blow her off to hang with friends, or just don’t put any effort into spending time with her. It’s gotten to the point she’s getting tired of it and if nothing changes then the relationship would be over. Did I expect her to say what she said, no. I’m a little uncomfortable about it because she would be going out with other men, but would only be on dates and nothing else. My anxiety would definitely take a toll on me, but there’s a part of me that wants to give it a shot, and another part of me that thinks it’s not worth it. Anyone can comment and share their opinions about what I said, I’m glad to answer any questions and figure things out. That is why I came here in the first place!
Hi,
Me (24F) and partner (25M) find the idea of an open relationship exciting. We also have exhibition kinks but want to play it safe. What things can we do that are safe and won’t trigger any kind of jealousy?
We find the idea of talking to strangers on random websites exciting. Might also do it in IRL on a vacation.
Strict NOs
Would love to know more ideas that we can do
Within ENM there are obviously many different relationship styles and dynamics — polyamory, swinging, open relationships, relationship anarchy, and so on.
Something I’ve always been curious about is when people identify simply as “ENM” without using more specific labels.
For those of you who do that, what’s your reasoning?
Is it because you feel you fit across multiple categories? Because more specific labels don’t quite fit? Or because you prefer to keep things broader and more flexible?
Personally, I’d describe myself as both polyamorous and a swinger, so I tend to use more specific labels depending on the context. I’m interested to hear how and why others choose to identify primarily as just “ENM.”
Hey everyone,
I don’t really know where to start. This will probably be long, but I’ll try to keep it somewhat structured. I could really use input from people who have experience with ENM / poly / open relationships and separation with kids.
I’m in my early 30s. My wife/partner and I have been together for about 14 years. We have two children, we’re married, and we still live together. For a long time, we were very much a family unit: everyday life, kids, a shared home, a shared life.
About three years ago, we started talking about opening our relationship. At first it was theoretical, later it became practical. For me, it was a beautiful and important time for quite a while. I realized that I’m also my own person outside of this couple identity. I had new connections that were good for me, and I felt more alive.
Sex with my partner also became more intense and exploratory during that time. It somehow reignited a spark.
For a while, it felt pretty good. Not always easy, but open, exciting, and full of growth. Then my wife met someone too. I’ll call him M here. In the beginning, that was okay for me. I felt like: our relationship is stable, we’re trying something, we’re learning.
But at some point, things shifted.
At some point, she wanted a sex break with me. At first, that wasn’t a problem, but over time I noticed that this break kept getting longer and didn’t really end. Later she told me that romantically, she’s not really in the same place anymore where I still am. She can’t really say “I love you” to me anymore in the way I mean it.
At the same time, we still get along very well. We often function really beautifully as a family. We talk a lot, laugh, take care of the kids together. We have days that feel warm and familiar like they used to. Sometimes we still cuddle, hug, kiss on the cheek, and have moments that feel very close.
And that is exactly my problem.
For her, this closeness seems to mean family / friendship / connection. For me, it immediately triggers hope. I still love her. I still find her attractive. Deep down, I still want the old couple feeling back. Not necessarily monogamous. That was never the point. It’s not about her only loving me or only having sex with me. What I want is to feel romantically and physically wanted by her. And that’s not really there anymore.
She is still connected with M. But that relationship also seems difficult. Sometimes she tells me things about it that completely mess with my head. For example, that he doesn’t find her attractive anymore, or that sexual attraction naturally fades after a year. There was also something about her weight, or about how she has barely changed. I found that completely absurd and hurtful. As if you could measure attraction in grams.
That hit me extremely hard, because I find her very attractive myself. Then I think: how can someone judge her like that? Why does she let herself be treated that way? At the same time, I know I quickly slide into a rescuer role there. I want to tell her that she is valuable and beautiful and shouldn’t bend herself out of shape for a partner. But I’m obviously not neutral. I’m her ex / still-husband, I still love her, and I still desire her. When she tells me about being hurt by M, I become her safe place, while I’m sitting right in the middle of my own wound.
I’ve told her by now that in general, I do want to talk with her about her life and that she doesn’t have to completely exclude M as a topic. But details about their relationship or sexual dynamic hit me too hard. I want to be there for her, but I also have to protect myself.
At the same time, separation is on the table, or as a romantic couple it has basically already happened. But we still live together and are trying to figure out what comes next. We both really want to function well as parents.
I have now found a small one-room apartment very close to our family apartment. As a retreat / transitional space, maybe as part of a nesting model. So the kids would stay in the current apartment for now, and we parents would somehow alternate, or I would have that place when I need to get out. Long-term, I think I lean more toward a shared custody / two-household model, because I believe each parent needs their own home. But for now, it’s a test.
And now comes the ambivalence again: Since the apartment has become real, things between us have become nicer again. We’ve had good conversations, closeness, pleasant days. She got sentimental and said that everything is happening so fast. She also painted this beautiful picture of us maybe being old one day, sitting together on a porch swing, looking back on our lives, satisfied that we raised our kids and didn’t become bitter or toxic with each other.
That calmed me down a lot. It showed me: she doesn’t want to erase me from her life. We have a deep friendship / family connection that is supposed to remain.
But then she also sometimes says things like she occasionally has hope for us. Or that maybe she talked herself into thinking the sex with me was worse than it actually was, and that it wasn’t always bad. That instantly gives me hope again. And then the next evening she’s back with M, and I’m sitting at home thinking: what the hell am I doing here? Why does she say things like that and then go back to him?
Rationally, I know: ambivalence is not a decision. Her having some hope is not a commitment. A beautiful moment is not a restored relationship.
But emotionally, it destroys me.
I keep asking myself: what would be ethical and healthy here?
Should I take more distance? Should I allow the closeness because it’s part of our goodbye / new friendship? Or is it breaking me? Should I stop talking about M? Or is it important to stay honest? How do you deal with a former romantic partner who is still the most important person in your life, the mother of your children, your best friend, your family, but no longer romantically available?
I also think I’m sliding into a kind of codependent dynamic. A friend of my wife described her relationship with M as more addictive than truly free love. Of course I can’t judge or diagnose that. But it triggered something in me, because I noticed: I’m trying to save her. I want to explain to her that this relationship isn’t good for her. I want her to realize that I would treat her with more love and safety. But that is probably exactly the trap. I can’t save her by repeatedly telling her how complicated and unhealthy all of this seems.
I think I need to stop getting stuck on her relationship with M.
Still, it’s hard, because I love her and I really think: we could have a beautiful life. With me, many things would be calmer, safer, more familiar. We’ve known each other for 14 years. We have children. We have a deep connection. Sometimes I think: if we did couples therapy, maybe something could come back. She herself says that she sometimes has hope. But then she’s back with M again.
I told her: I don’t want vague hope right now. If we ever got back together, we would need to work through it professionally.
My questions for you:
How would you handle this mix of separation, kids, deep friendship, remaining closeness and hope in an ENM/poly situation?
Does it make sense to take the small apartment as a test / retreat space, even though we currently feel very close again?
How much closeness is okay when one person still loves and hopes, while the other feels more friendship/family connection?
How can I set boundaries without becoming cold?
Should I accept it if she goes away with M and the kids?
Does anyone have experience with nesting / shared custody models in ENM contexts?
How do I stay connected without remaining available for everything?
I know I probably have a lot of self-work ahead of me too. In the relationship, I adapted a lot for a long time, defined myself strongly through family and the partner role, and didn’t really live much of my own identity. Maybe this apartment is also an attempt to find my own self again. But at the same time, it feels like a betrayal of the family, even though I know I’m not leaving my children.
Thanks for reading, if anyone made it this far. I’m pretty overwhelmed right now and would appreciate honest perspectives.
Oh this got pretty long.
Hello everyone.
I am looking for some advice. My partner and I have been together for three years. It's long distance, have been for the entire relationship. We also entered into the relationship with an agreement of non-monogamy, which we both wanted and still do. Despite this, neither one of us have been dating other people. I haven't been in a position to do so for various reasons, and my partner has talked to people on apps a few times but it never really went anywhere. Until a week ago. Someone messaged them on an app and they told me about it, said they would keep me updated. That was fine. Then a couple of days ago they said this person had invited them on a date, which took place today and went very well. We had a call afterwards, they shared the experience with me. Because it's been three years of us not dating other people, we are mindful of the fact that it will take effort and communication to transition into active non-monogamy, though this is still what we both want.
Here's where I need advice. I am okay with this. I really am. I know the saying about protesting too much, but I want to make it clear because I am not looking for people telling me it sounds like I'm not okay with this arrangement, because I know I am. But I have such a pit in my stomach. It does feel strange to be transitioning into this new dynamic. Even though nothing has changed, and we both agree that our relationship won't be any less important or special because of this, it stikk feels like something is different. How do I get over this? How do I get myself over the bump of transitioning into this new dynamic? I'd love to hear from people who has experienced something similar or have any advice to give.
My partner and I are interested in occasionally exploring shared connections with another woman in a respectful, consensual, and low-pressure way.
We are not looking to “collect a third” or force someone into our relationship dynamic. We value honesty, communication, mutual attraction, and making sure everyone feels comfortable, respected, and free to express boundaries at all times.
We understand trust and comfort matter, and we want any interaction to feel natural, enjoyable, and emotionally safe for everyone involved.
We would appreciate advice from people with experience on how to approach this thoughtfully and respectfully while avoiding common mistakes couples make.
So here's the shortest i managed to make it: for about 10 days my partner (of 5 years) and i have agreed to open our relationship, only for sexual but non-romantic partners. This is after I, myself, suggested it. I do not have any plans or really any interest to find someone else myself, at least for the foreseeable future, i made the suggestion because i know my partner has had a crush on one of her colleagues (can't blame her tbh he is very hot) and he had been pretty clearly also interested in her. I trust her completely, she has not tried to hide her infatuation and had no intention to act on it until i brought up the fact that i'd be okay given some mutually agreed upon terms for how that would work. I don't regret making that proposal and my trust in her remains intact. I also fully expected that some parts would be hard, weird, uncomfortable, etc... and was confident that this would bring more positivity than otherwise in the end.
Things have moved pretty fast after we talked about it and agreed on our terms. They spent a night together last friday. Spending the night alone while not 'easy' was easier than i anticipated, i kept myself busy and while i had trouble sleeping i didn't ruminate too much or felt uncomfortable at the thought of her sleeping with someone else as i imagined i would. When she came back the next day the weirdness faded reasonably quickly and we had a great rest of the weekend together on all fronts. This new aspect of our relationship has encouraged us to communicate more, be more honest and clear with our thoughts, needs, insecurities (i think we already had pretty good communication but especially i still struggle with communicating my emotional state as it develops and in the last couple weeks it has been becoming easier to do so as the context both encouraged and required it). My partner has been very considerate of my insecurities and general well-being throughout, and very understanding about the limits i've asked to put in place and the things i asked of her regarding the whole thing. I genuinely think this has been very positive for both of us and hope it keeps being that way.
That being said, my anxiety is not vibing with it at all.
Now i have some pretty sever anxiety so that's not entirely a surprise. But i thought it would be 'contained' to whatever time they'd spend together and that'd be it. However the opposite seems to be true, my anxiety wasn't too bad that night or during the days leading up to it. Since then tough, i've been growing increasingly anxious and obsessed about their relationship outside of the sexual aspect (which i thought would be the most problematic thing for me). They're colleagues, they're friends, now they're also sexual partners, so they chat, text, flirt and such. Of course they do and that is fine but apparently my nervous system doesn't agree.
Last night i had an anxiety attack when my partner texted with him for a bit in bed before we went to sleep. I had to take a timeout in the living room cause i couldn't shut my eyes or take them off her phone even though i couldn't read anything from where i was (nor would i want to really). We talked about it this morning and agreed she wouldn't text with him in bed so that it remains our space, but next time my anxiety will trigger somewhere else and progressively prohibiting more and more stuff doesn't seem like a long term solution. Similarly, she offered to show me the texts if that could reassure me but i refused. That wouldn't stop my anxiety from finding something else to latch on to, i know there's nothing that should worry me in there and i don't want our relationship to become one where checking each other's phones is normal and so on.
Of course i'm hoping this will quiet down with a bit of time and as we get used to the new dynamic but i must say i feel quite blindsided by how quickly this has developed in the two days since their night together - even though that time otherwise went very well with no sign that it had negatively affected our relationship, on the contrary - and feel i need to get it under control lest it kills any chance of us finding a stable, durable footing.
I get writing this that it probably goes beyond the purview of simple relationship advice, and i sure cant wait to dump this all on my therapist next week but still, i guess i'd still appreciate some thoughts and advice from others who have more experience with that sorta thing on how to manage all that.
Ps : Haven't mentioned but i should say that i'm not 'stuck' in the open relationship in any way just because i've already agreed to it. I can, and my partner has repeatedly made a point to say this to me, change my mind and go back to a closed relationship should i feel that it doesn't work for me (and so can she). I don't want to give the impression that i'm trying to weather a situation that i'm not okay with because i feel i have no other recourse. i want to make it work cause i think it could work, and could be a positive thing for both of us if it did.
Hi! My partner(47m)and I (47f) are opening up after 29 years together. We did some light group stuff when we were first together but ended with some hurt friendships as we were young and not educated and accidentally thoughtless.
Recently we have had some experiences that have led us down a road looking for sexy community. We visited a munch and saw their dungeon. I found that was not my scene. We have explored some swinger stuff, again not quite right. We are looking for a community like the BDSM community, without the BDSM. Like couches and cuddling and light filled spaces with plants and smooches and laughing and talking about everything. Are there sexy philosopher social clubs?
Broke up with kinda boyfriend
I 21f have been seeing a guy 29m for like 8 months now we met last summer swimming, and we started really regularly hooking up around Halloween. I've always known he was monogamous and it started off as just a hookup but 8 months is a long time. In the beginning of December, he suddenly had to leave the state for several months, until end of February, and literally 2 days after he left, i meet my partners 22nb&22f everyone knew about everyone, but it changed after he got back he literally drove 13+ hours straight to see me and the reunion was so good i missed him so much, things have very much felt like less of a hookup and more like dates we go out to eat and to the beach and we smoke and laugh he makes time for me after long ass days he comes and visits me when i work doubles (16+hours) and takes me to lunch it was good i was so happy, but last night we talked a bunch and he said he cant do it anymore that he needs a 1 on 1 relationship, i respect it I've known hes mono since the beginning i just didn't expect to like him this much, we are gonna talk in person tomorrow but idk i just know its gonna hurt and ill miss him
Tldr broke up with fwb and sad :(
Hi! Queer 34F married to my straight 31M husband. We are really starting the process of opening things for casual play together, after talking about it for a few years. The true extent of my queerness hit me like a ton of bricks this year so... We are doing the thing!!
I know a fairly decent amount about ENM/kink/etc from my own nerd research as well as the circle of friends I keep. Lots of (very platonic) sex positivity which is great! He has met/is friends with some of them too, which is nice. But, at the same time, he's like, not having these conversations with anyone besides me, or familiar with this stuff on the same level. Part of the problem is that I don't know what he does or doesn't know.
Like, okay, we are newly on Feeld and last night we were looking around and he asked, "What's with these unicorn emojis??" LOL I was happy to explain, of course, and did! And he was thankful and it was all good. But, moving forward, I don't want him to feel like we are on uneven footing in terms of knowledge.
Can anyone recommend a good basic guide (book, website, whatever) to the ENM/kink world (we do engage in a fair amount of kink already but again, not sure what he does/doesn't know beyond what we currently partake in) with definitions of terms, acronyms, etc? Thanks in advance!
I (32F) and hubby (43M) are currently opening ourselves up to inviting others into our bedroom together.
We live in a small town and enjoy going to electronica parties. There is a woman that we have seen a few times at these parties, I have had a few light interactions with her on the dance floor, and my husband has already expressed to me in the past that he feels attracted to her, although they only properly met for the first time this weekend.
I gave my husband the green light to approach her further, and towards the end of the evening they were chatting over a cigarette and I joined after a few minutes.
At one point during our conversation, she asks me “so are you two together or are you friends…?” She was definitely trying to ask me what was up because im guessing that she felt a “vibe” from him and was confused about where we stood because I’m sure she has seen us around together and we are pretty hot and heavy with each other lol so asking if he was my “friend”
was kind of funny.
Anyways, I responded that actually, we are married.
“MARRIED?!?!??”
She said basically with her jaw on the floor lol. She is probably between us in age so it’s not like she was super young, but it’s true that not a lot of married couples still go out to raves together so it might seem surprising to meet a married couple partying til sunrise lolol.
Anyways, telling her we were married was like automatically closing the door in her mind, thinking we are together and that’s that, potentially imagining that my husband was being inappropriate or perhaps that she was imagining it . It didn’t end badly or anything, the rest of our convo was sill very pleasant and good vibes, but the shock when she heard we were married was very real lol.
My question is: how can we tell people we meet out in the woukd and are potentially interested in that we are married while still giving them the idea that we are open for more? Obviously would want to keep it light and playful and not get into some deep conversation or make a potential 3rd feel like we are suddenly putting them on the spot…but would like to find a way to tell people we are together but not making it seem like we are completely off the menu???
My wife and I had a first full-swap experience recently, and I’m looking for serious advice from experienced ENM people — not blame, not debate over whether freezing equals consent, and not “you should have negotiated better” lectures.
We had met the couple before and felt there was good rapport. They came over, we spent time talking, and everyone seemed comfortable. We agreed to full swap and then separate rooms, which we had done before with soft swap. My wife had told the male half that she enjoys some dominance/instruction, but nothing about that meant consent to anything and everything.
In the room, he started with a condom for vaginal sex. He then switched to anal without asking or getting consent. Later, after leaving the room and coming back, he had vaginal sex with her without a condom, after condom use had already been established. She froze, was crying, was in pain, and just wanted it to be over. He knew she was crying and continued anyway.
Afterward, my wife broke down crying and told me what happened. She is blaming herself for not negotiating every boundary more explicitly, but I do not see how “I like dominance” becomes consent to non-consensual anal or condomless sex.
We are stepping away from the lifestyle indefinitely because this has made something that had been fun and connecting for us feel unsafe.
I’m not asking whether this was okay. It was not. I’m asking how to handle the aftermath.
How would you notify the other wife that condomless sex happened?
How would you request STI testing information without inviting debate or a long defensive explanation?
Would you message both of them in a group chat, or only him?
For those who have dealt with serious consent violations, is there anything you wish you had done differently in the first few days afterward?
Just a simple question as the title goes
In our country, marriage paves a lot for logistics to be easier (papers, etc.) and my girlfriend and I have decided to not go for the marriage route since she also has personal trauma (family) around it. The way we view things right now is, we are already husband and wife, no need for a marriage to commensumate things. Especially since we are not following the mononormative way of escalating relationships (i.e., if you don’t marry your relationship is a failure!)
But we don’t have a lot of poly friends yet right now. In our country, it is taboo and frowned upon. So we wanted to get your thoughts :)