u/kingofthepeach

Hi all

My (she/her) partner M(they/them) and I have been together for about 4 years. When we first got together they told me they have cheated on every past partner and that they think this is because monogamy isn’t really for them. They told me that realistically at some point they would probably fall for someone else and want to be able to pursue it. Politically and logically I agree, and I told them that. I said that I have only ever been monogamous and I think that’s my nature but I am open to the idea of it. We have had an amazing relationship since then, are really strong as a couple, have great communication and know we want the same things in life. Have literally just moved into our first home together and always enjoy each others company. Over the years they kept saying this is their longest time not cheating on a partner and maybe it’s actually that they were just in unhealthy relationships before and also unmedicated bipolar.

A few weeks ago they went out with 2 coworkers for drinks and didn’t get home until 4am. I felt that something was up by the way they acted when they got home and the next day they confused they got really drunk and ended up kissing one of them (G). We have discussed that we don’t really believe a drunk kiss is cheating or anything more than that. M felt like they failed me and we had a long conversation about non monogamy and our views on it now. M admitted they have a crushed on
G and wanted to know what would appropriate in my opinion. I told them how it hurt me that they hadn’t told me about the feelings before but that I understand they cannot help the way they feel.

M’s ideal situation would be having a relationship with G in a capacity where they have a date once a month but that our relationship is still the main priority and they don’t want to harm it in anyways. But that they would like to pursue it. Where I am at is that this brings up so many unknowns and feelings and I really don’t know how to make this work. I told them I would be okay with trying it, and I am, but figuring out boundaries and navigating feelings will have to be an ongoing honest discussion.

M got a drink with G and told her how I felt and how they felt and she is interested in trying it out. She was very concerned about how I felt and did not want to do any wrong towards me / our relationship. M came home and told me they agreed that on a date every 3ish weeks and that they wanted to be able to text in between otherwise it would be weird. They also didn’t want to have to have so many guidelines and boundaries that it felt planned and inorganic, which does make sense to me.

My concerns are that they work together - M is confident about their ability to maintain professional and keep it seperate, which I do believe. However I hate thinking about that fact that they are spending 40+ hours a week together even if it isn’t in that capacity. M and I only spend evenings (they get home around 6:30-7:30) and weekends (when we aren’t busy with other engagements) together and often it ends up being errands / chores etc. which I really enjoy and we always have fun but I worry I’m the boring housewife and they’ll be out dating having fun with G.

Another concern is about how often communication happens. Since the kiss, I noticed a shift in M being on their phone heaps more and being kinda secretive about it. They usually say it’s just work related but it’s hard to know what is work and what is G when they work so closely together.

Personally I am open to the idea of me seeing another person too but I wouldn’t know how to go about it and also don’t want to take away from time I could spend with M.

Sorry this is very long. M and I have spoken lots about all of this and they are very reassuring about how much they love me and they will be honest with me and that they could just push these feelings to the side if need be but I want them to be able to be true to themselves and love in the way that is authentic to them.

Any advice or tips or feedback or anything for me?
I want to make this work and I think that it is possible but I also cannot help the anxiety that it all gives me.

Other info - we are getting married in 1.5 years and then we want to have a baby via sperm donor and I have vocalised that I don’t think ENM during baby time would work as being a parent will be crazy exhausting and they agree which is partly why they think now is a great time to pursue it. My anxiety is wondering will they be at the wedding/ what will that feel like for me/ if they’re still seeing each other by then would they then break it off when I got pregnant/ what does this all look like?
I am generally not an anxious person at all but I am probably on the spectrum so find it hard to not have distinct plans.
Also G has broken up with her bf a couple weeks ago (M says completely unrelated) and is also bipolar, which is partly why they have such a connection as well as working in the same industry

Moving into first home in a couple weeks and therefore trying to figure out what the council rates will look like for us.

The house is an ex state house and the vendor did a big renovation (changed the floor plan around and is now a 2 bedroom instead of 1 bedroom). Does this mean the valuation will go up to match closer to the price we bought it at / the valuation listed on realestate websites? If so, does the change as soon as we take possession or are the rates for 2026/2027 locked in and it will adjust next year?

Hope this makes sense and thank you for any advice - couldn’t find a clear answer in my search and getting mixed answers from friends.

Kia ora,

(Approx numbers)
House $525,000
Mortgage is $435,000
Deposit $88,900
Equity is 17%

The rates we have been offered is:
6 Month: 4.69% + 0.30% = 4.99%
12 Month: 4.65% + 0.30% = 4.95%
18 Month: 5.09% + 0.30% = 5.39%
2 Year: 5.25% + 0.30% = 5.55%
3 Year: 5.29% + 0.30% = 5.59%
4 Year: 5.49% + 0.30% = 5.79%
5 Year: 5.59% + 0.30% = 5.89%

We were thinking of fixing thirds at 1/2/3years, is this a good idea? Is it better to just do halves as it isn’t a massive mortgage?

We are both in stable jobs/ industries. Partner works FT earning 95k, I work PT while studying, will be finished in 2 years and then will be able to work FT. We will think about having a child in 2-3 years.

Wanting to pay off a bit extra if we can do try and get rid of the 0.3% low equity margin as soon as possible.

Our mortgage broker isn’t very helpful so just asking for Reddit’s advice! :)

Thanks!

Kia ora,
My partner and I are buying first house and have all our conditions met apart from finance.

Going through a mortgage broker and finding it a bit frustrating not knowing what’s going on and wondering if this timeframe / situation is normal and if there’s anything else we can do.

We gave 10 days condition for finance which broker said would be heaps, we had pre-approval with a different bank which we were not keen on and so asked broker to do our application with a different bank on morning day 1 which he was happy to do. Didn’t order valuation until day 5, said it wasn’t going to be complete until day 11 which we were obviously concerned about. Ended up calling valuer directly to ask if they could get it done urgent and they agreed. Valuation came through day 8 and broker said bank should get back to us by day 9 midday.

Come day 10 (when we should be confirming all conditions) and still no word from broker. He says he’s confident bank will get us approval to us by end of day. 4pm and we have to request extension as still no approval letter. 4:30 he tells us the bank has requested more info as it’s TC3 land (insurance quote, building report, EQC info). On day 1 I had told him we could send building report and insurance quote but he said it wasn’t necessary. I sent all documents by 5:30pm. Today is day 11 and no word from him. Emailed at 1pm to check in and he says it’s at final sign off just waiting on final verdict (which makes me worried it’s not going to go through) but he says it should all be fine as the house looks great and that the bank is aware of our deadline. Come 4pm have to ask for another extension. I email him asking if there’s been any updates from the bank and he just says he will let us know when he knows.

Day 12 tomorrow and we are stressed about not knowing where the application is at, why it is taking so much longer than he is indicating. Is there anything we can do? Is this truly just the bank being slow or what’s happening?

Obviously first home we are anxious about missing out and losing money unnecessarily. We are both employees, no tricky circumstances so can’t think of what’s so complicated about it!