u/Serious_Midnight9550

Hello people, just a little update/thinking of me for the current situation

For context my previous two posts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/hVzm7VtLor

https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/N22pfui1Xu

I thought it went well between us. Relationship getting better, seeing some development.

Now it's his first weekend being gone with friends for concerts, after everything went downhill in our relationship.

I didn't miss him. At first I was seeing this as a good sign. Me feeling loved, stable and safe, so no place for anxiety. Didn't need any reassurance.

But now, he will be home in 2 hours and I can't feel any joy or excitement. When he texted me, that he is on his way, my brain just went "okay". Like when my boss is calling and telling me a colleague is sick: "okay, I will take care of her/his tasks"

I don't want to think bad of it, but it bothers me that I can't feel any excitement.

I had posted my story a week ago, and some things came up now.

https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/Sg0tltIBl9

Val wants to be friends with BF.

When I declined the "whole weekends" she wasn't happy and needed time to think. When BF tried to initiate another date, she got very angry and cut contact. That's okay, she also deserve the relationship she wants.

Last week, after my post here, she had contacted him again and asked if they could be friends and then have whole weekends again. Didn't thought much of it at the moment.

BF said he didn't knew if he wants to continue with Val, because she acted so badly to the "one overnight limit". I asked for clarification, because in my info she just said "that isn't what I wanted".

Turns out, when BF talked to Val about another meet up, she tried to manipulate him. She wished for another whole weekend, tried to convince him to broke my limits and expected him to do that for her, even that she knew that would hurt me.

At time she was sad, I was so sorry for her, that I wasn't comfortable with a whole weekend. I even told my BF to tell Val my excuse for the situation. I even felt bad for her.

I'm feeling so betrayed from both of them. BF because he neglected us so much and Val, because i felt guilty for the difficulty situation.

At this point BF don't know what he wants. He says he needs time to reflect all the things that happened with Val. That a friendship could be possible for him. But, that he is concentrated on us and thinking closing the relationship should be the last straw in repairing our problems.

Normally I'm not a person that dictate who you can be friends with. But Val is making me feel unwell. She is so fixated on having another weekend with BF. After what she tried, I don't trust her.

I don't want Val in our life. She disrespected me and i can't understand why BF wants to be friends with someone, that wanted to hurt me, to fill her needs. Because BF needs time to elaborate the last three month, I'm all alone with my thoughts. The whole situation also don't help with my numbness, even BF is giving his best.

Am I overreacting, wanting to put Val on the messy list?

BF (31m, nesting partner and living together) wanted us to open the relationship, because he had a poly relationship bevor me (30f) and really liked it. Thought it would be beneficial for our relationship.

I was curious about open relationships and said yes. The agreement was, BF can persuade people of interest at festival/concerts for hook ups. Boundaries and hard rules where discussed.

I was a bit anxious, because I was monogamous my whole live. He just jumped and was happy like a child.

In may BF met Val, BF was over the moon. After the festival, he comes home and pushed for casual dating Val, maybe making it a secondary relationship. I struggled hard with that, asked for closing our relationship, because I didn't felt stable. BF stated he can't close us, Val is important and he wants to date her.

So we stayed open (I know, i should have had been strict about it) and Val was in my live/relationship 24/7.

Val lives 400km away from us, but BF was always on the phone with her. I had to asked for everything:

- doing his household chores

- not writing with her during intimacy/aftercare time

- being focused on us at couples time/put his phone away

- giving me one day a week, just for us

- please be active and plan dates for us

Over three months we had multiple discussions about that, even our sex live decreased. Also had discussions about it. BF only did the bare minimum to keep us running, some weeks not even the bare minimum. Full NRE mode with Val.

We haven't had one date in this time. But he was willing to drive 5h to Val for a whole weekend, so say could have "a real date".

I worked trough my emotions and stated that one overnight was preferable to me, I'm not feeling well with a whole weekend. In the end my logic brain wins over my emotions and I gave in for a whole weekend, because of the distance.

Weekend came, I've been struggling.

After that, I put my foot down. No more whole weekends. Meeting my expectations for our relationship or I will not contribute to us. He then startet working on us.

Since then it has been 3 weeks and we can't communicate right. BF sees everything as an attack, I have so much trouble being the reasonable one, absolutely overflow from emotions.

Val wasn't happy with my borders and BF talked about how I should show some sympathy, because it's hard for her. I snapped, felt pushed again.

Last weekend, we had the first planned date from BF. I thought it would be fixing us. But it didn't felt any special to me.

I broke down completely. Ugly crying, how unloved and unwanted i felt. That this isn't the relationship I was expecting. How i don't like the person he became since dating Val. He tried to comfort me, that we can close the relationship if needed. Said he is willing to do everything for us.

I went numb after that, 3 months of neglecting did something to me. He is trying and i can see how much he cares, but I can't feel it. Now he is the one struggling, can't handle these emotionless from me.

I don't know how to go further from these. Will it get better? Did somebody else could fix a relationship at this phase?

This is my first open relationship, so I'm confronted with a lot of new situations and are struggling to adjust.

Bf (31m) and me (30w) opened our relationship this year, because he is poly and i was open to it.

He met someone in may, but she is living a 4h drive away. So until now they just had phone and video call dates. They planned to meet in person this month.

So now he was gone the whole weekend. Friday to Saturday was good, I felt stable and happy for bf to have such a good time. Saturday afternoon, I started to miss him. Tried to keep myself occupied, household, call with a friend and played Palworld. It didn't work, got tummy ache and feeling churning. So I messaged bf that i miss him and if now was the right time for a update about my day.

He answered: if you want to

The answer didn't sit well with me, i asked for a better clarification if he has time and space for me, because i didn't want to interrupt their date.

He said it was a good time and we texted a bit.

Telling him how I'm feeling, that the situation is overwhelming for me and a whole weekend is to much right now to adjust emotionally. He was very consented, tried to help me, but just texting didn't work.

I didn't want to contain more of his and new partners time, so I excused myself, wished them a good night.

Had a emotional ruff night. Had to cry because all the emotions were overwhelming. We talked about it, when he got home yesterday (Sunday). They want to meet up again in August and September.

So far I'm not ready for another weekend. Is it okay to ask for a step back? That they just spent one night together? Until I'm feeling good with the new situation.

#edit: I'm not poly and dont want to be poly. But I'm open, to an open relationship. He knew that from the start and was fine with it.

Hello, this is my first enm. We opened our relationship this year, because my Nesting partner is poly.

He is now dating someone and they have their first weekend together.

I'm feeling really good at the moment. Normally when he is gone (festivals, concerts, vacation with friends) I would just call or text.

But knowing he is on a date, it feels wierd and I dont want to interrupt their time together.

What can I do, when I start missing him?

How are you handling this situations?

Any tips for me?

BF [m31] and I [f30] are together since 2023 and living together since December 2024.

We opened our relationship this February. BF is poly and I was open to try ENM/Poly. We're also into BDSM.

I felt a bit mislead, because in our prep talk (on what are his motives to open the relationship) it always goes like: I want to explore my sexuality. Just Hook ups and casual things. Maybe some experiences together in kinks with others.

6 weeks ago he met someone at a festival, he wanted to date her [f32, will be using the name Tess] seriously and is interested in making Tess his secondary partner. BF is full NRE. He recognizes that this isn't what we discussed, but he wants it.

Tess is living a 6h drive from us away. Like the ENM community is advising little steps when opening a relationship for the first time, it doesn't work in this situation, because of the distance.

No first dates, then overnights and then weekends and vacation together. The first date in person, will also be the first overnight and weekend. It's hard for me, working a lot on my emotional regulation.

Now to the issue. I'm demisexuel. I need an emotional connection to feel desire for another person.

I've talked to BF at least three times, how I'm not happy with our Sex life. Loosing the connection, not feeling loved/desired and having barely intimacy/sex. All the kinks/sessions we enjoyed together, don't happen anymore.

The first time was during an check in a month prior, when he informed me, that BF and Tess are planning to sleep with each other at their first date/weekend. He promised to work on it, but turned me down twice in the same week (not enough energy from his side) and never made an attempt himself. Quality time was also not much that week.

The second time was after an anew turn down from him to my initiating. Same talk, but now I'm getting anxious he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's assuring me, everything is okay, he is just tired, we should keep sex to the weekend.

Im loosing more and more the connection to him, sex feels like an task. Not having the feeling i can say no, because then I have to wait a whole week for intimacy. And it also requires a lot of time and emotional energy from me to regain this connection every weekend, to desire intimacy with him.

In the case of having no quality time the last Saturday and his first weekend with Tess is coming nearer, I'm opening the conversation again. Talking about all the points prior and my worries/anxiety. His first reaction is getting mad, why i didn't talked to him earlier, because he is meeting Tess in two weeks. I remind him, that i brought it up three times now.

That I'm hurt on knowing he will sleep with her, but not doing the work for our Sex life. BF is sorry, seeing the point and apologizing to me. He will work in it, but if i want to have intimacy, I should just ask/initiating. Me explaining i did, multiple times, he turned it down. And now I don't feel the connection to desire him. He stays adamant, that i should initiate more often and he will work in our connection.

tl;dr:

We opened our relationship because of him. I felt mislead in why he wanted an open relationship. Now BF has a second gf and our Sex life didn't need my needs/expectations. Talked about it 3 times, didn't see any progress on his side.

Don't really know what to do now. I feel like, having to discuss a problem three times, it isn't important to him.

Should I have been initiating intimacy even more often?