What should I do?
Hello everyone, I need a little bit of help.
I met a girl more than a month ago in another country and I asked her out and we found out that we live in the same city. She is 21 and I’m 19. From then on our vacation for the last two days was a date. I felt really good with her and she did too. When we got home I hugged her and said goodbye.
We talked in text for hours each day, about every topic that you can think of. We met for 3 dates on the following weekends. I kissed her on the second date. Everything was perfect, I felt alive, then boom.
After the third date which went well, I asked her the question in text that what does she think of our relationship or what are we? Then she wrote that she feels good with me and I’m kind and every positive thing you can say, but her life is in a messy situation right now and she couldn’t spend as much time with me as I deserved. I told her that I will wait and together we can get over any problem. The next day, I wrote to her because yesterday I didn’t realise that this is nearly a goodbye message and I panicked. I wrote and wrote out of fear of losing her. Then she wrote to me that she thought about us the whole night, but she can’t imagine a short term relationship or a long term relationship with me and she said that I shouldn’t blame myself and she doesn’t want to play with my emotions.
So thats it.
And since then (it was 3 weeks ago), I am devestated. She is everything that I want in a partner. Communicative, smart, sporty, well above average, open minded, has goals, and a realist.
She did like me. I can’t describe the spark in her eyes when she looked at me. But it still wasn’t enough. She said to me that she didn’t have a boyfriend too and she didn’t even kiss anyone too. So to that person the kisses don’t mean nothing?
She did bring back the light to my life and my goals too, but now I have goals, but I don’t care about it because I lost the purpose to accomplish them. I lost the purpose to do anything.
I don’t understand if someone has the chemistry, they bond well, they can talk about everything, what is missing then?
I blame myself. I think my anxious attachment type did destroy this. I love bombed her because I thought I will lose her and I shouldn’t have asked that stupid question. Then maybe we would have had more time to develop and build a relationship, but I fucked it up.
The meaning of her last message was that she didn’t feel the spark, but she didn’t seem that way in real life. I don’t think the spark thing should and will be always an intense thing. I wasn’t in love with her also, I simply love her. To this day, more than anything. Its so sad for me that I found exatly what I wanted and we can’t be together. I wanted to marry her. When we were on the vacation, before I even spoke a word to her, I just knew that she is what I need. And to let go of a wonderful woman, who is everything that I wanted? Can’t do that. I feel like that I want to wait for eternity.
And I want to make myself clear. I don’t blame her for any of it. I don’t have the right to do so. I just don’t understand if everything was perfect why was nothing good?
I don’t know what to do.