u/BalladMinstrel

I (19M) matched with this girl (22F, we’ll call her Lola idk) on a dating app. We were long distance but we clicked instantly over text and FaceTime with shared interests, values, and even realizing we know a lot of the same people in real life.

I travelled two hours for our first date, dressing nice and bringing her flowers.

This was literally my first proper date ever. I grew up sheltered in an abusive household and had only recently moved out on my own.

The date went really well. Lola and I connected in real life just as well as over text. The night ended with us kissing and cuddling on a park bench in the dark, before going back to her place and nearly having sex. She was on her period so we couldn’t go that far, but we couldn’t keep our hands and mouths off each other.

The next day I travelled home feeling on top of the world. In hindsight it was mostly hormones and adrenaline.

Over the next couple of weeks, we kept texting and we planned a date for her to travel to see me. We talked a lot about the crazy sex we would have at my place (I’ve got a queen sized bed and no roommates lol) and I was feeling really excited and super confident.

Until we facetimed one night about a week before our date, and she stayed up trauma dumping to me about her trust issues, mental health problems, and severely abusive family. I consider myself a good listener and I tried to offer her some comfort, but I felt really uncomfortable and out of my depth. She finally ended her story and said she was “really interested to see what my response would be” and that the purpose of talking about this was to test whether I accepted the vulnerable side of her.

I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say to that and we ended the call with an awkward goodnight.

Over the next couple of days, the magic feeling from our first date progressively wore off and I realized we weren’t ready to have sex with each other when Lola insisted on providing the condoms herself because of trust issues from her dad poking holes in his condoms for a pregnancy kink, resulting in her creation. I had no problems with using condoms she provided but I was flabbergasted that she wanted to have sex and sleep in my bed while simultaneously having so little trust in me.

At that point I texted her and said I don’t think we’re ready to have sex yet. She agreed and said she wasn’t sure whether to say anything because she didn’t want to disappoint me. I reassured her that I only wanted this if she was comfortable and was going to enjoy it as much as I would.

Over the next few days I felt really stressed about where this was going and what I should do. The whole situation felt uncomfortable to me. The intense feelings from our first date had worn off by now and I realized I didn’t like this girl as much as I thought I did, and I couldn’t see a long term relationship with her.

In hindsight I should have called her and explained how I felt. In my abusive family, voicing a problem or complaint you have with another person always resulted in punishment (days of yelling, screaming, gaslighting, etc etc) and subconsciously I think I expected the same thing to happen here.

I sent her one massive text poorly explaining how I felt, and mentioned that I thought she should work on her mental health and trust issues before pursuing a long term relationship. I said I didn’t see a future with her and after the physical stuff we’d done together I couldn’t see her as just a friend either, and I didn’t want to keep talking to her.

From Lola’s perspective this came out of nowhere because I had been scared to voice these feelings as they developed. She asked to call me the next day and we talked on facetime for a few hours about how we felt and what to do from there. We came to the conclusion that we do have a lot of shared interests and qualities and we should try to reconnect as friends at some point.

We decided to go no contact for two weeks and then reconnect and see where we’re at.

Within those two weeks of no contact, my girl best friend (19F, we’ll call her Zee) started flirting with me. I have had a crush on Zee since we became friends two years ago, and I even asked her out a few months ago, but she rejected me. We stayed on good terms but I had a hard time getting over her. That’s a big part of the reason I got on dating apps in the first place.

Zee and I start going on dates and doing physical stuff. I’m over the moon. This is what I had been fantasizing about for so long.

Lola and I break no contact as planned after the two week break is over. I start the conversation by telling her about Zee so she doesn’t get into it thinking she might be able to win me over.

Lola tells me she feels hurt and violated by the fact that I went out with her while having feelings for someone else I was trying to get over. She questioned whether the feelings I had for her were even real, or if I had just been using her. I clarified that at that point I had no hope of Zee reciprocating, as she had already rejected me, and I was moving forward accordingly despite my lingering yearning for her.

Lola still wants to pursue a friendship with me but she feels hurt, violated, and like any trust she had in me was shattered. She wishes I hadn’t come to see her and she’s “never been more grateful to have been on her period so we were unable to have sex.”
She also said she felt hurt when I said she should work on herself before pursuing a long term relationship, because she thought I was saying “you aren’t worthy of love as you are.” Not what I meant.

I don’t know what to do. I never meant to hurt her or play with her feelings like this. Everything happened so fast and I feel very out of my depth and overwhelmed. A woman feeling like I violated her is literally my worst nightmare. In hindsight we shouldn’t have escalated things physically so fast, and I should have better communicated my developing feelings.

AITAH?