My partner has an 8 year old daughter who he has full custody of. I have 17 and 19 year old sons who live with me. Partner and I live separate, been together 1.5 years. Everything has been magic and rainbows, until now.
A few months ago, partner and SD slept over at my house. Come morning, things got frisky in bed between him and I and before I realized what was happening, his daughter was trying to lay on top of us. I had to remove his hand from my underwear and he told her to go watch tv. (This was extremely awkward and unexpected. My kids were never interested in coming into my bedroom let alone my bed. I did snuggle with my sons on the couch during tv time, so they were not neglected in the love and attention department FYI. This isn't about me being cold and against nurturing children)
Fast forward to two weeks ago. I was at partners house late and I suddenly felt dizzy and overall unwell. He told me to just sleep over, since I live 35 minutes away and he didnt want me driving in that state. He then said "what side of the bed do you want, because SD comes in to snuggle before I leave for work?" I laid there for a few minutes, and then said, "im just going home, actually", and I left.
The next day I let him know that for in the future, I am very uncomfortable with her having free range to our bed. I don't have to wake up until 3 hours after they do, and don't want to be disturbed. I dont mind them snuggling, but I don't want my personal space violated and I view my bedroom as my sanctuary. Also, if we want to be intimate, that is an issue as it has proved itself already. He got extremely upset and accused me of making him choose between me and her. He flat out told me his daughters needs will always comes first and if she wants to snuggle he will never tell her no. I suggested they snuggle on the couch or her bed instead and he refuses to compromise.
I feel like I am being sidelined and told my needs do not matter. I am expected to feed SD, help get her from school, watch her on summer break, and all the regular parental duties since her BM is mostly absent in her life. Yet I don't get a say in a situation that effects me directly.
I suggested we end the relationship because I don't feel respected. He said he can't believe I'd throw away all the good times over THIS. After fighting for a good 6 hours, it ended up him being mad at me for days for this, and basically I have to agree to her being allowed in our bed until she decides to outgrow this.
Should I leave anyway? I love him but don't think there is room for me in this scenario. We don't do sleep overs often because our kids live in different school districts, so it isn't an everyday issue, but he has expressed wanting to move in together soon. Now I'm wary. Help. What can I say or do to ease this situation?
EDITED TO ADD : He insists my request is unreasonable. He says he went into his moms bed to snuggle every morning as well. I said (and maybe I shouldn't have), that 8 years old is too old to be bedsharing daily and that she is old enough to learn to self cope, and shes a good age to learn boundries and to respect my space. If she was 3 and had a bad dream I could see it, but this is abnormal to my upbringing so it might come down to different values.
He said once she is older we can focus on each other.