u/BananaManStinks

Doctors would take a fish out of water, see it gasp for oxygen, say it is sick and then try to give it meds. I feel away from my water, trying to survive so desperately! How can anything in my life not look like struggle?

I am not human at all. I never failed to socialise, I am simply different, I simply can't mingle with human beings. I am different. I am special and beautiful. Many people are beautiful but in real life I've never seen any. I am full of grace. Am I pretty because they chose me or they chose me because I'm pretty? Maybe this is just how I am!

The Angels tell me to not be afraid. Please don't be afraid! There are no things to fear, everyone just needs a home. This is what they tell me. I'm not sick! There's no sickness at all! Having fear is struggling in the water and not keeping peace. Having no fear is not recklessness, it's just having peace and calm. Don't let it get to that point. In the same way fear can't just be removed from people by making them think impulsive acts are bravery. Being in one's right mind is not what the doctors think.

People don't understand. I want them to understand. They won't try, they just insist you're delusional and need to "take your meds" instead of listening. It makes me sad.

I'm sorry if it's rambly. Voices give me a refuge from the world. When everything is bad and gross they are here for me. They make me see beautiful things and they're beautiful. The voices are beautiful Angels and they guide me. The voices come from Heaven. They watch me and get inside my body and inside my head. They only want me to be beautiful. I am a beautiful and special person. I am loved and cherished by God. I am needed, I am wanted. I am a divine vessel. I am loved!! I am so pretty!! I am a good person, I am worthy of love. I experience so much love. I am on a special mission and I am needed. I've never been cherished by any friend group or have been missed by anyone. People down here are judgemental and bad to me. I don't want to be mistreated anymore. The Angels are going to keep me safe. I don't want to talk about anything else. I am tired of people telling me I'm making them worried, when I am being loved, I am being shown love. I feel scared of having friends because people are treacherous and only want to leave and hurt me. They talk about me behind my back. God is cleansing me and making me pure. I don't feel wanted anywhere and making friends seem impossible. Not a valuable or relevant person anywhere I go. But maybe there is a point to it. But it feels so lonely. Being with the Angels means being lonely and it gets me less pain. The Angels aren't judgemental. They will make me into a woman. Even years ago, they made it clear I didn't have to be a boy anymore! I could be a lady if I wanted! Voices make life worth living. But nobody else understands. I don't understand how others can't see them too. Everyone should be able to see them. Why is it only me? It's lonely. It means none will believe me ever. They should understand. They should understand. Even in so called safe spaces they don't! They don't understand! They don't want me to be safe. Maybe I'm not even human, maybe I am a lonesome animal. Human sociality is not made for the likes of me. But the Angels are real. Few people who still talk to me are also real. I want to run away and live with my Angels. I want to be free! I feel so tired. Others are mean to me because I don't work and that I am autistic. I don't want people to be mean to me anymore. I do good things. I am someone special. I deserve care. I don't want meds. I love them. I love everything.

I suppose this counts as venting. But nobody listens, ever. In real life, in the internet, everyone only wants to call me crazy, or some euphemism for it. Even when they listen for longer they just wait until they ask me if I'm told to hurt others. I don't understand. Why can't I be treated like a person? Why can't I share the things I experience? There are so few people and places that listen at all. Why do they think of me that way?

I'm not crazy, I'm not a lunatic. I make perfect sense. It would be a beautiful thing to share everything I have suffered with others but no one is open to it. I don't understand how others can't see them too. Everyone is supposed to see them. I don't get why I'm the only one. The Angels say I'm special, so indeed maybe I'm the only one. I am a holy vessel, I am an ewe. I am doing something special. Yes, the Lord washes me up and feeds me. Yet even fellow Christians will think I am insane. The Angels make everything beautiful around them, and I see them and understand it. It is beautiful that the happiness I experience comes from this and nothing else. There is nothing good coming out from the world or other people. I've been in isolation my whole life, I am barely an adult. Yet everything others want to see in me is someone deplorable and mentally weak. I am not a bad person, I listen to everything the Angels tell me, and I do everything they say. I do everything they tell me to do. I am supposed to. I'm not delusional, I have never had any delusions or hallucinations. They're as real to me as everything else. Soon I will be married to the Lord. I am so pretty pretty! Soon everyone will be free! I will never die, I will just fly away like a pretty butterfly. I want to make others understand everything. They should be able to understand. It makes me so sad. I want to take them by the hand and make them see them too. I don't want to be alone.

I have had people call me delusional for some years now, and I've never understood why. Isn't a radical drive towards freedom necessarily that way? That I make myself anew and find my will to be beyond the imagination or interests of those in power? If I deny their control, what power do they have over me, even? I am a transgender woman, and indeed it started with being a woman in spite of my body. But even that is more acceptable in certain places then speaking to Angels or with God. I will not be waiting to be told what I am or what I am supposed to be. All the knowledge society has is there to serve their masters. And it seems to me like "psychosis" is some umbrella term for several experiences that radically defy such orders.

They tell you that your confirmation is by serving, that by being enslaved you're being free. Hell, they'll sell you your own shackles if they can, and will put ads for them everywhere! I want to live, and be alive. Can a drive to live be blamed for making me act "erratically"? I am not sure how most in this subreddit feel about it, but I do not care in the slightest if I experience delusions. I experience beauty. I hear ineffable things, I see visions, of the most beautiful things. I, myself, am beautiful, and made beautiful and glorious by everything. My body glows like a lightbulb. It all means I'm still here, and still alive. It's all around us, it's unbelievable that others can't just see them too. They told me once that people seek safety before taking action. That they want to fit under their beds without realising they grew up and the beds didn't, and they don't fit under them any longer. It's silly. We don't fit under beds, we're supposed to be safe without hiding. Forcing yourself into a small place is silly. Hearing the Angels humming and seeing them means being aware of myself. I am lonesome, yes, but it doesn't seem like company is worth it if it means giving away your own life. Are we psychotic, or just refusing to play along?

It was an interesting experience. I had my clothes and the food and showers were nice. I had a seizure there and I'm being referred to a neurologist so I can be properly diagnosed with epilepsy. It filled me with beautiful visions of fields of flowers, beautiful beautiful flowers.

The Angels didn't leave me either. They told me they'd be with me back at home as well. They make me so so happy. They told me I was very beautiful. One day I'll be transformed and I'll fly up high, they say. I'll be free like a little butterfly!! I will be so pretty! I'm happy they won't ever go away. They provide such messages of love. My seizure was pretty bad, I could've hurt myself, but I was fine. I felt such peace, afterwards, such euphoria across my entire being. Like I was one with the Angels. Like I could drift away like they do. I'll be saved. One day I'll be God's pretty vessel. I was overwhelmed. Hopefully I can manage seizures, but they make me beautiful, like it's God making my body tremble and become weak. It makes me see beautiful pretty things.

The Angels' voices feel much less like sound aand more like a strong tinnitus and vibrating sensations on my body, like feeling thee ground shake or having waves while underwater. A close experience would be standing close to those energy pylons, the tall high tension towers. Like electricity running through my body and brain (as if it's a seizure frying me up from inside), going on and out of my body, keeping me entranced. I often despair when in public near the big city, because they speak less. I have begun wondering if the amount of electronic devices makes me deaf to their voices.

Being sso far away from the Angels feels like pure agony, that's why I don't take medicine anymore. I don't like the sensation of being pulled to what people call "reality" and having to exist in society with people who don't understand me. I'd like to forget all about being human, I'd like to be free to be with the Angels forever. I feel privileged, important and special. I am allowed to step into a place of my own, that nobody else gets in. I feel often as if I could exist inside dreams or create them. It's like someone's warm hand holding yours when you've been neglected for so long.

Everything feels so loud, like I can hear electric energy running through wires or through the air, and it looks like it is there. I have autism and experience synesthesia, so perhaps I do hear it but the visuals are an extrapolation. It feels like the Angels are camouflaged in that crowded, awful environment. Near nature, they're so clearly there! You can hear them so neatly!! I've been trying to start going outside, just to see them and meet them. I don't understand how other people can't see them too. I wonder if I could make them see? Make them listen? I fear it'd be hopeless. Their voices come from the earth, from the sky, from the trees and from the water. How could someone who can't even see the stars because of light pollution, see them? I cannot help but feel as if many people would drown in these things, instead of floating on them.

I believe the voices are many things. I was recently entertained by professionals as having a dissociative disorder, so some of the voices are parts of me. But there aree other voices of other things, only I hear them, I think. Many of them are Angels, they're so beautiful and glowing and gorgeous. They're immensely beautiful, they're also nice smells and textures, so it's very comforting and warm. But there are foul demons too and I recognise them instantly. The Angels keep me informed of where they are and how, to identify them. A lot of the times it's everywhere. But the Angels are with me andd they keep me safe too! They make me very beautiful and happy. I do everything they tell me. I am not wrong anymore, so I don't hear the evil voices I used to hear, now I only have the beautiful Angels (,and the people in my head). I love them! They're music and perfume and nice and cosy things. They take me to beautiful places, too. It often feels like I'm one of them, also disembodied, that nobody really sees. That only they see me and hear me speak.

I cannot understand how they want me to believe I have some manner of disease. The voices speak to me every day, and they're so beautiful. Everything feels more beautiful and bright. I was on medication for so long I've forgotten what it was like. I don't understand how I should live having seen and heard such beautiful things and never seeing them again. How can you live seeing the utmost glory, only for it to be taken away? I can't! It's torture, it's impossible. It's so impossible. I don't want to accept living inside a hole without the sunlight. I haven't postedd much anywhere, I am too scared to use social media, but I have no one to tell about this without filter.