Hopelessness
I know that there probably are similar stories here but I think I just need to get this out of my system. My mom is probably in the last stage of her life. She is my best friend, my everything and I’m already grieving her even though she’s not even gone yet. I’m in my 30s so I should be more strong but I feel so weak.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2024. She underwent a surgery and it was fine. Until something was found in her liver the same summer. Since it was some special form, the doctor was very skeptical.
She began having chemo. With the first med was basically invisible that anything was wrong. Yes, she had painful skin and blisters but overall, it seemed to go so well. So great that she went into remission and the same doctor said she might even get 100% healthy. I deeply believed in that, manifested, read about law of assumption etc.
Few months later she went into a regular check and it turned out that the tumor is back. Second meds, hair loss, new doctor. I still had my hopes high. This year. She started with the third meds. In Spring, they discovered that the tumor is pushing on her other organ. She had a procedure which didn’t succeed. Then she had an operation. It seemed to be okay but soon a very high fever raised and she was taken to the hospital. The doctors said it’s sepsis and that she’s almost going. I didn’t believe it. Still continued to make plans, cleaned her room.
The first day it was very hard to see her but day by day she seemed to be more like herself. Laughing again, joking. We took her home and although she couldn’t walk on her own, she was still active and we had a few small parties with our family.
Until she was taken to the hospital again. She was in some random ward for a few days after which I took her to oncology department. She walked on her own! She was so positive. I told her that she needs to look after my kid that there’s so much more we have to do. She was so happy to be there. Until they discovered she still has a bacterial infection (from the surgery) and was taken to isolation ward. She has always been very skinny but there she basically stopped eating, turned extremely skinny and was also not treated well. She was there about a week and then we took her home.
The first days back at home her eyes were shining again. We had hope. We had hope that after this is over (she was still taking antibiotics), she’s going to have chemo again and it will all be better. She even ate a bit. She was talking all the time, most probably because she was high from the meds.
After I went back to my home, she stopped eating. She was in pain. We tried calling the oncology department but no one answered. So I went there and asked for some painkillers. The next day the pain doctor called us and prescribed new meds. She also said that she only has a few days left. It’s now been a week. I’ve been with my parents but seeing my mom unable to speak, unable to move, constantly in pain is just too much. It’s very hard to take her to the toilet since she’s all skin and bones.l.
While I denied it for a very long time and honestly felt she’s going to make it, that some kind of miracle will happen, the past 2 days I’ve realized that most probably it’s not. I’m already grieving. I’m also blaming myself for not being with her more, for all the things I’ve said. For the things I’ve not said or not done. I feel like I didn’t give everything to make her well. Like I should’ve put more energy into this. And I can’t imagine my life without her.
I’m not sure if anyone can help me but I honestly feel like there’s not going to be life after this. I know that I have my own family and I should be able to continue living, mom would never want me to be unhappy, but it seems impossible to ever feel joy without her. Im really doubting the law.