Poornfree for almost 4 months, but may be close to relapsing
About almost 4 months ago, after a quite awful session, I decided that I need to stop watching porn again. For a long time, I decided to let go of control of my addiction and see what happens, but that didn’t lead me to anything good. So, after being reminded about it by a friend, I tried a simple method I haven’t really tried before: a mantra constructing an identity of someone who doesn’t watch porn. I repeated it in my head several times a day, for about a week.
To my surprise (and shame), it worked. I kept ignoring such a simple method for such a long time, because “it was so simple and could never work for me“. I am almost angry at myself I didn’t try it much sooner, which could save me years.
Anyway, I really didn’t want to watch porn for 3 months. Only after about a month I even remembered I was ever not abstaining. For the first time in years, I fet truly free. That I had nothing to hide. Almost like a rock has been lifted off of me mentally and spiritually.
But about a week ago, I felt something I hadn’t fully felt in years: dissatisfaction with my life. Sure, it happened here or there, but not for as long. I managed to think through a lot of aspects of it and come to a conclusion that I am unhappy and need change.
The fact that those repressed feelings were coming out meant that I was on a path to healing, but they also made staying sober more difficult.
Over the last few days, I felt that I started slowly crossing into more “yellow zone” behaviors. Manageable for now, I feel like at some point I might start bargaining with myself, or during a sleepless night, just go and seek out porn.
Being pornfree for this long is a great experience. It hasn’t made me see brighter colors, unlocked my emotions or solved my problems. If anything, it only shone the spotlight at my problems, such as my problematic compulsive sexual behavior. But one thing it has given me is being at peace with myself. I don’t want to loose that.
I have friends who know about my struggles, but they don’t really understand them. There isn’t too much point in telling them this. So I am afraid that, if I let myself wallow in this possible relapse without doing anything, one quiet, unremarkable night, the addiction will just come back into my life again, and I won’t be able to control it for who knows how long.
So, once again, I come here for advice and support.