Threesome advice
Hello,
First of all thank you for taking the time to even just click on this.
I’ll try to keep this concise, but essentially, my boyfriend (of 3 years) has told me occasionally that he would like to have a threesome, and he likes the idea of group sex.
This ain’t something I’m necessarily opposed to, it’s hot when I (sometimes we) watch porn with multiple people. However, it’s not something I have thought of doing in reality until he mentioned it.
I think there are some important factors that should be mentioned about our relationship as follows:
1.) I am “out”, I don’t hide my sexuality, but I also am selective with who I tell, but I have no true reason to hide myself. On the other hand, he is closeted to everyone in his personal life (religious family, and he is afraid of his friends finding out incase they inadvertently tell him family). We moved to a different state last year and began living together. In the outside world, he and I are not “hidden”, we hold hands/hug/kiss in appropriate settings around the general public, but when it comes to his personal life I am a compete secret (family, friends, work). On my end, my family, friends, and work know I am in a relationship, with varying levels of details depending on who (at work it’s very general, no full name or anything like that, just “my boyfriend X”., all the way to him having met my parents a few times.)
Recently he admitted to me that he wants to be together forever. I’m not sure what that looks like in reality, I have things I want, openness, marriage, etc. I don’t know how he and I could move forward with his boundaries, as well as my - almost oppositional - boundaries. I have always respected his life situation and never pushed him or gave him any ultimatums to come out. I don’t think either of us knew how deeply we would fall in love together, but we both feel as if we’ve found soulmates in each other (we’ve come a long way to now be at the point where we live together in a different state across the country).
He isn’t exactly romantic. He’s very loving and affectionate and supportive generally speaking, but certain occasions aren’t important to him (ex Valentine’s Day, anniversary, among other items I won’t spend time going into detail about). He will acknowledge these days and be very sweet, but I’ve never gotten like flowers or a card or anything like that. Anytime these days roll it’s really up to me to plan stuff or do something “sweet”.
He and I have discussed our sexual history prior to meeting. He was more of the type that did hookup with people off of Grindr, he doesn’t talk much because I think he thinks I’m going to judge him. He’s a very handsome well built guy, so it’s no question to me that he got attention and he took up on this opportunities. I don’t like making statements on my appearance (quite self conscious), but I also have had grinder prior to us dating (we me on tinder), and I can say that I also got quite a bit of attention. However I was always the type that rejected hookup culture in the gay community because I always viewed as sex to be the easiest thing to get in the gay community, whereas I wanted to give myself a genuine connections which is what I thought would be much more difficult and sacred to find. I appreciated the attention on the apps, but that was enough for me, I didn’t do hookups because I wanted to keep my history “respectful” for my life partner. Thats not to day I didn’t date and explore, but it was never done I’m a way where I didn’t know the persons first/last name (he said his body count could be around 50’s, where as mine is a definitive 6). He thinks that we’re both attractive and could do this together and just have fun, whereas Im just not inherently someone who feels like the need to fulfill myself with casual sex. Please do not think I’m judging him or anyone else for their sexual habits and preferences, I’m just trying to convey that we have had two different approaches to how we view dating/sex.
I definitely could keep rambling, but those are the biggest talking points I wanted to mention, so now to the advice.
This is something he has not pushed me on at all, he’s said straight up our relationship is way more important than this thing, and that at the end of the day our relationship is the priority, and he wouldn’t want to do anything that might jeopardize it. I’ve also tried to meet him halfway, and we both talk about hot guys we see, and giving him permission to give cash to go-go dancers when we go the club, and he seems very appreciate that I can understand this side of him.
However, given the talking points above, I don’t know if I feel secure enough to do this? I’ve had to live in the closet on his end which has required me to place a lot of trust in him, given that I don’t get to meet his friends, go on trips with them, do anything with his family, never met his coworkers, etc. I do trust him 1000%, and trusts me, but I can’t help but feel like, if we bring a third into the “bedroom” it would be exposing and making vulnerable what i do hold onto in this relationship. I cant help but think that if I was an integrated part of his life, then maybe I would feel more secure. Having a threesome to me would feel as if I’m giving up the one thing I value and have. I feel like I would be sacrificing myself (causal sex activity) in a direction that he wouldn’t sacrifice in his other direction (accepting me into some part of his life), if that makes any sense.
I’ve tried communicating that to him, but he doesn’t really acknowledge it because I think it makes him anxious to think about him having to be open, or meet
me somehow halfway. So then the 3-some convo disappears, until a few months will lass by and then we basically have the same convo all over again and then rinse and repeat.
I know people will have comments to say about dating someone in the closet, which I can understand. However, we are aware of the nuances, and i cant say what will realistically come in the future. I just know that we both are deeply in love and want to find a way to do this forever.
Essentially, I’m curious what other people think. Is a threesome something that can truly be casual? If you were in my shoes, what would you be comfortable doing? How can I approach this internally, and externally with him so that I’m not left feeling like shit, and he isn’t left feeling like I’m not willing to be adventurous?
Thank you VERY much for reading this if you made it this far, and my apologies if any parts of this is repetitive or confusing. I typed this out in one shot and said “post”