r/gayrelationships

I went on a date with this guy, I'm 22m and he's 23m. We really hit it off. We went to mini golf, Applebee's, and I paid for dutch after. we even engaged in certain physical activities and really liked each other.

Even before the date he was very adamant about only dating with the intent to marry and I liked that a lot

However after he went home he texted me saying that although he was really into me he felt that with the current state he's in and the fact that his parents don't know he's gay we wouldn't be able to really date date and that I shouldn't really wait up for him. Or at least it would be a long time before we would get another date. And that we should keep in touch.

So I've been trying to "keep in touch" and sparking convos throughout the day and he doesn't really seem interested, keep in mind that he doesn't read them sometimes. I eventually get replies but they're very quick and sparse. I have read receipts on so that's how I know.

So I feel like texting him basically this:

Hey I really like you and am willing to work around your situation but unless you're also putting in the effort to "keep in touch" there's no reason really for me to continue and try to text you.

***THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I INTEND TO BE FAIR, BUT ITS STILL MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I WANT YOUR COMMENTS/OPINIONS, BUT I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE ABOUT THAT :-)***

ITEM #1: He admitted early on, that he had cheated on literally EVERY ONE of his ex-partners in one way or another. Whether it was physically fucking another person, or starting a deep emotional connection online...the outcome was always the same. Instead of actually TRYING to fix a problem, he would ignore it while his partner becomes more and more hurt, and feels more and more unwanted. And every time his partner would finally have had enough, and force him to address the problem, he would spin everything so that his partner looked irrational, and he looked like the hapless victim. And every time, it would come to life in the form of a scathing and utterly hurtful post on Reddit.

Since he would paint his partner as the monster and he as the ‘patient guy who did everything he could’, it’s only natural that comments would start to come in. Because of how craftily the post/story was written, most comments would be to cheer him on and insist that he kick his current partner to the curb. 

Inevitably, an attractive guy will end up saying something complimentary to him, and that’s when the game is over. He can’t just feel good about the comment…instead he has to start building an emotional connection with the person. He has to share the most sensitive things…things that he REFUSES to talk with YOU about…and use those things against you. And then soon comes the sexuality. Written flirtations, usually graphic. Nude photos/videos. Saying good morning and goodnight to THEM, when it used to be YOU.  

He would do this while telling you that he loves you. He does this while you lay next to him in bed. He REFUSES to talk to you…but he can’t seem to find enough to say to THEM. 

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ITEM #2: Acting Ashamed of Being with Me - I get the fact that it wasn’t easy for him to make such a major change to his life by being in a relationship with me. He was legally married to a woman for the previous 15 years. He had an 8yr old daughter with special needs. His marriage was falling apart, and I’m sure he was equal parts happy to be with me AND terrified of a change so massive, and that it would affect many other people as well. However - 

It took him almost THREE MONTHS of us being together, to even simply announce it on Facebook. What’s worse, when he finally got tired of me mentioning it and getting more upset each time that I had to, he FINALLY made the post. I honestly would have preferred to be kept hidden, over how awful this post made me feel. 

He started it off with a multi-paragraph tribute to his wife. He reassured everyone that they intend to remain close friends, and that he will “always love her dearly”. Then, it was my turn. “Meanwhile, I met ***** and he and I are in a relationship and doing well. *his daughter* gets to have two bedrooms now”. 

THAT is what I got, as his first public acknowledgment that I even existed. His wife got PARAGRAPHS. I got a quick fly-by. But wait, it GETS BETTER!!!! His closing comment was “I hope we can all still hang here”. You read that right….that was REMORSE for having to tell everyone about me. He PLEADED with his 500 followers to not think poorly of him because of this….while I waited THREE MONTHS to simply be acknowledged to people in ‘his world’. All I could think was that he was ashamed to be with me. 

Since probably 2011, he was a CONSTANT social media guy. Weekly posts, if not more. Funny stories about his daughter. Random thoughts and commentary. And MOST OF ALL, posts about his wife. Everything from tiny random moments, to vacations and getaways, to the best of all: the ‘just because she’s my wife and I love her’ posts. There were LOTS of those…and most included a photo of the two of them. He was PROUD to show her off. But when it was my turn, everything changed. He hardly ever posted anything about me specifically…and when he DID, it was CLEAR that the vibe was discontent and almost resentful. Of course I mentioned it several times because it bothered me, and I wanted to either understand, or find a way to not feel how I did. He wouldn’t talk about it - there’s nothing wrong and I’m crazy. 

Soon after, he all but stopped making posts all together. Full-on radio silence, with few exceptions. Even if the three of us went out to do something together, and he actually made a post about it…9 times out of 10 I would barely get a mention at all. At best I would get an ‘also there’ acknowledgment. He would even ‘forget’ to simply TAG ME in the post…ALL THE TIME. And, it was ALL OF THESE THINGS made me feel like he was ashamed of me. I could never talk to him about it because he would just shut down and make me think I was crazy. It was only when I would finally EXPLODE, that he would address it…..which meant I got called crazy and unhinged. 

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ITEM #3 - I WAS WRONG FOR DOING THIS, AND I CLEARLY WISH I HADN’T. I rationalized this behavior because of what’s listed above, and more. I was feeling like a fool…like I was being played. So, I crossed s MAJOR line out of desperation to know the truth, terrified of what I might find…and I FUCKING FOUND IT!!

Whether it’s foolish or not, he and I had all of each other’s passwords to various things, including Facebook and Messenger. At the time, I TRULY felt that I would never have anything to hide from him anyway, so it didn’t matter if he had my password. I honestly TRUSTED that he felt the same way. Until that point, I had no reason to question that. There were SO MANY THINGS that started pointing in the other direction, that I HAD TO find out for sure. I had walked away from a comfortable life and a 22 year relationship because I BELIEVED IN HIM - but now I couldn’t even pretend to be sure. 

I went through all of his Facebook Messenger chats. At first I started to feel stupid for not trusting him, because there were a couple threads toward the top of the list (most recent), where he was actually complimentary toward me. He even told someone that I didn’t even know, that I make him feel good about himself, and that he finally felt happy. My heart sang with pride, and I SHOULD HAVE stopped there. But, my eye caught something and I had to see what it was. It was a name - a male name - that I had heard before. He actually TOLD ME about this guy, I remembered. He was one of SEVERAL guys he had inappropriate relationships with, while actively married to his wife. This was one of those guys, and the last messages were semi-recent, because I didn’t have to scroll very far before I saw it. 

Remember how I said that it took three months before anyone in his life knew I existed? Well, that included our apartment, which he never posted about, and almost refused to even send pictures to his mother. Well - he DID share OUR apartment photos with SOMEONE…it was with THIS GUY. The two of them had a VERY colorful conversation about the apartment, in fact. Check this out:

They joke about the floors being wall to wall carpet. This guy made a comment about having to be careful, because the carpet is going to get crunchy…which refers to dried semen all over the carpet. No, that’s not a mistake with words…..IT GETS BETTER….

So after they joke with each other about giving each other handjobs IN MY LIVING ROOM, this guy then asks my boyfriend if I will get upset that the two of them are talking the way they are. My loving, loyal, amazing boyfriend replies with “he is a jealous bitch. You were here first, so he just has to deal…plus I saved your new number”.

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Let’s recap: he hesitated for three months before acknowledging that I exist. He pretty much apologized to his followers for letting them down with my presence and not his wife’s. He all but completely ceased posting on social media. He literally fought to NOT have to show his mother photos of our new apartment…..but he IS offering to give some closeted pathetic slut a handjob in MY APARTMENT, while saying horribly disparaging things about me, to him. 

Again, IT WAS 1,000% WRONG for me to do what I did. At the same time though, I proved that my gut was right. He spoke of me like I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. Meanwhile, I did NOTHING BUT devote myself to him, because something in me was SCREAMING that he was the one. He made me feel ALIVE. He made me a better person just by standing next to him. I truly believed that the 39 years that I lived before meeting him, was all building up to the day our eyes met….At that point, I felt like I achieved the impossible. I earned what VERY FEW people ever get to have. I won. 

And then I read all of that, and realize that I was the ONLY one that felt so strongly. I felt like a fool. But I still loved him and wanted nothing more than to let it all go and feel like a winner again. But I couldn’t. This was the FIRST 90 DAYS of our relationship. And already, the scars were impossibly deep. 

So my ex [M24] and I [M26] broke up over a month ago and we’ve take a good chunk of that with no contact and eventually came back to deciding being FWB. I’m the betrayed in this situation and I’ve told him very blatantly I don’t want to get back together and that he has no access to the romance or emotional connection we had. I’m direct about our FWB situation and that it’s me just using him for sex and tell him if he feels like he wants to opt out, he can. Anyways so we’ve hooked up twice and we want to include a third and so we’re using sniffies to find that third. In doing so I found his best friend [M24] on sniffies—who was a problem in the relationship more so because my ex was unable to set boundaries with him and was really weird and possessive about him ( my ex to this day says they never hooked up or that there’s never been a question about their friendship being purely platonic). Now, ironically, I want to ask if he’d be okay with asking his best friend to join our FWB situation… ik how this sounds but he’s hot and is gifted to say the least. Also, the friends expressed attraction to me, to my ex in the past while we were still together. Thoughts on if this is a blatantly bad question or if I should bring it up. Thanks xx

The point of this post is not to bash anyone. The POINT is, I'm trying to understand why I am seen as such a horrible person, that its easier to erase me than to take a small amount of effort to help me understand. I MISS MY BEST FRIEND, and today is my birthday. ALL I WANT is to know that he misses me, even if he never wants to know me again.

Here is the story...abridged of course. To be clear, my actions caused the majority of the damage between us...it was never out of malice or hatred. It was out of desperation to understand why I seemed so horrible to him, and why I'm alone and confused on my birthday, when all I need is ONE CHANCE to show him that he's wrong about me, and that he will never have a friend or connection like we had, ever again. I need to know why that doesn't make him sad....I MISS HIM...

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 years. When we met, he was married to a woman, and I just got divorced after 22 years with a man. I wish we could have seen this at the time, but looking back, I KNOW our relationship started as a trauma bond, and was doomed to fail at some point.

Why was it doomed? On my end, I admit that I wasn't ready or even capable of being the best version of myself...I never had to alter or adjust anything in my life, because I was used to being with one person and having the life that I did. I also had no idea how to be a step dad, or reconcile the fact that his wife would hold a very major position in his life going forward.

On his end, he expected me to basically just fall in line, and deal with anything that made me uncomfortable or insecure. We promised each other open communication, and thats the one thing we both failed at. So, ultimately the relationship failed, and I accept about 75% of the blame for it. I lost control of myself, my emotions, and my potential. I was consumed with the fear of losing him, and became blind to the fact that I was well on the way to causing the loss on my own.

Despite all of this, we both felt that the connection we had, was worth holding onto...even if a romantic partnership was off the table. I admit, I was the one that pushed hard to maintain a friendship, and even though it felt like I was the only one fighting for it, he continually went along with it...and eventually I became trusting of the idea that he was my best friend.

There were countless clues along the way though, that I ignored for the sake of not letting my heart break again. He would go from super kind and thoughtful, to completely cold and distant without warning. He would deny that it was on purpose, and made me feel like I was crazy and self-sabotaging. So, I pushed past the warning signs and continued to hold him in the highest regard. I never talked poorly of him to ANYONE, because I would never intentionally hurt him or play with his emotions. Well, one day it all fell apart...

I knew that his refuge was Reddit. This is where he found ways to cheat on his wife, by creating emotional connections with closeted guys all over the country. She caught him, and he really tried hard to repair the damage with her, even convincing himself that he could ignore biology, and not allow himself to 'be gay/bi' for her sake. That eventually failed too, and thats where I entered the picture. He PROMISED ME that he would never cheat on me in any way, and I believed him....

One day I was on Reddit, and I happened across a post that seemed all too familiar. I was actually on here seeking advice on whether or not I was a fool for wanting to be his best friend after a failed relationship....and thats when I found his post.

For the 2 years we were not a couple, we had frequent (monthly) visits...at his place, and multiple days at a time. We were intimate with each other. We hung out like we used to. It felt like we BOTH enjoyed being able to continue things, being mature enough to appreciate the connection that remained. Well - this post of his....SCATHING doesnt even do justice. He was HORRIBLE to me...acting like he couldnt get rid of me...that he resented my presence in his life. He took every negative issue between us...things I would beg for him to talk to me about and he refused...and he put it all out there for the world to read, painting me as a monster and a crazy obsessive lunatic that he wished would just disappear...

I was destroyed inside when I read it. But - now I knew his alias on here, and I dug deeper. I found out that for more than 6mo before he left me, that he was on here AGAIN, cheating. Inviting guys out for beers. Sending nude pics to guys. Saying things like he wishes he could ditch his bf and be with these STRANGERS. So, I confronted him about it all.

I needed to know why strangers got to know the truth, but I didn't. I needed to understand why he was pretending to want to stay friends, when he spent the entire length of our 'friendship' trashing me every chance he got. I needed to feel SOME regret for spending 6mo cheating on me, and then acting shocked when he dumped me out of nowhere. To his credit, he DID express regret...but it was so quick and generic that my heart COULDN'T accept it. I continued to visit a couple more times, but deep inside my soul was destroyed, and all I wanted was to make him understand the gravity of what I learned about him, and to feel like he REALLY valued me and that I wasnt a fool wasting my time.

Well, I guess I pushed too hard, seeking resolution to these feelings...because one day during a visit, he decided that it was easier to kick me out of his house and out of his life, rather than FOR ONE TIME to put in the effort to make ME feel better. To help ME understand and move past it HEALTHILY. This was almost a month ago, and even today, he maintains silence and lack of regard for me, and that tells me that I never was important to him. I was a pawn...a toy that was easily thrown out with the trash once my usefulness expired.

Today is my birthday. He is the one person that I prayed would reach out just to acknowledge me on my special day. But still - silence. Not a word. Not a care. I don't even enter his mind anymore, and it breaks my heart because I TRULY felt like i had found my soulmate and best friend with him.....and the reality is, he hasn't missed me one moment in the last month. I feel so stupid, because I was his biggest fan, and I was trying HARD to be a friend to him...and I realize now, he never really wanted me to remain in his life.

So - Happy Birthday to me. The most lonely and depressing birthday of my life. And all I need and want, is to hear from my best friend.....to know that im a valuable person to him...but I know now that I'm simply......not. And I'll never be able to change that.

Sorry so long

I (20M) met my boyfriend (25M) on Grindr in November 2025. We were talking a bit and then moved to instagram pretty early. We had our first date in the beginning of January and have now been officially boyfriends for 6 months now.

He is my first boyfriend and I had never had sex before him either. From the beginning I got jealous of his past relationships/sex life and recently it's been getting a lot worse and has started to affect my mental health. Something that really bothers me is that he is best friends with his past situationship (they never slept together but it really gets to me). Every time they hang out, it eats at me. I dont want to make him choose between me and his friend either so I feel stuck. I have brought it up before and my bf reassured me but his past sexual history still haunts me. I stalked my bf instagram posts and comments from other men in his past really gets to me.

Also, he is 25 and I am 20. He obviously has more experience and he knows a lot more about general life things like tax etc. whilst it's helpful, I sometimes feel incompetent or childish. I am still in university and he has a full-time job so we are in different life stages and sometimes it does get to me a bit because I feel like I am still figuring out who I am. I have no idea who I am and I feel like I am changing myself for him (this might just be in my head though). Alas, it still kinda bothers me.

I have really been struggling with my mental health recently and ruminating a lot. I overthink everything as I am scared of him not loving me as much as I love him or settling for me. I have a lot of healing to do and I find myself engaging in kinda toxic behaviours but need advice on what to do about the relationship and how to fix myself. I have been stalking his socials, location and going through his phone. If he doesnt text back fast enough I j feel so anxious and my replies become dry to "punish him." then I feel bad and guilty. I have realised I acc don't like anything about myself and I just need advice.

recently found out that my partner of 12+years has been cheating on me through a hookup/cruising app, and I honestly don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.
This wasn’t one drunken mistake or one random hookup. I discovered that he had been using the app to find multiple casual/anonymous sexual encounters over an extended period of time with over 12+ folks. Seeing the conversations and realizing this was something happening repeatedly while we were living our normal life together has completely changed how I look at our relationship.

We’ve built a home together, intertwined our lives, traveled together, dealt with family, careers, finances and all the normal responsibilities that come with spending years with someone. I always thought that whatever issues we had, there was at least a foundation of loyalty and trust underneath everything. Now I’m questioning how much of the relationship I actually understood
.
He says these encounters were quick, impersonal and purely sexual, with no feelings involved. He says he loves me, wants our relationship, is going to therapy and wants to do whatever it takes to fix this. But I don’t know if hearing that they “meant nothing” actually makes me feel better.

Sometimes I think it makes it worse. If these people meant nothing, why repeatedly risk everything we’ve built for them?

The strangest part is that I’m not constantly crying or even angry anymore. I mostly feel numb.

One minute I think 12+years deserves an attempt at rebuilding. The next minute I think, How am I ever supposed to trust him again? Especially knowing how easy it is to download an app, open it while traveling or when I’m not around, find someone nearby, have an encounter and then return to normal life as if nothing happened.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my relationship checking a phone, wondering whether an app has been downloaded again, questioning where he is, or becoming a detective just to feel secure.

There’s also an embarrassing part that I’m struggling with. Friends and family looked at our relationship as one of the relationships that actually worked. I know their opinions shouldn’t determine my decision, but thinking about eventually having to explain what happened makes everything feel even heavier.

I haven’t decided whether I’m staying or leaving. I’m doing individual therapy and trying not to make a permanent decision while everything is still this fresh. Right now, it feels like I’m grieving the relationship I thought I had while simultaneously trying to determine whether the relationship that’s actually left is something I even want
.
For anyone who discovered a long-term partner was repeatedly using hookup apps and meeting people: Did the numbness eventually turn into clarity? How did you determine whether you genuinely wanted to rebuild versus staying because of the history, home, comfort and fear of starting over?
And if you stayed, did you ever truly trust them again without constantly wondering whether they were back on the app?

Getting older and sex 54m

As I get older my husband and I have wax less and less. I know some of it’s normal but I miss it a lot. We are 50 and 64.

We are monogamous yet I still want to have sex. It’s really hard on my mind and I’m sexually frustrated.

Anyone relate? How do you handle it?

I’m a gay man in my 30s who came out later than most and didn’t have much experience with dating or relationships before that.

I got into my first serious relationship after coming out. I cared about my partner deeply, but after several months I became overwhelmed by the feeling that I’d missed out on being single, dating and exploring my sexuality. We took a break, I had some time apart, and eventually we decided to give the relationship another go.

Since then, I’ve been incredibly conflicted.
He’s a genuinely great person. He’s kind, loyal, supportive and someone I love very deeply. When we’re together, I often have a really good time and I don’t want to imagine him not being in my life.

But I also find myself getting caught up in differences between us and wondering whether we’re actually compatible long term. Some things are genuinely important to me, while others are probably pretty trivial. I also struggle with anxiety and obsessive rumination, so I can spend hours analysing whether every little doubt means something bigger.

Then I met someone else.

He’s younger than me, but I’m very attracted to him and there are several things about him that seem more naturally aligned with what I want.

Now I constantly compare the two.
I’ve tried ending things with my partner because I felt like my uncertainty wasn’t fair to him. But when I actually thought I might lose him, I was devastated. We talked again and decided to try properly rather than keep breaking up whenever I become overwhelmed.

I genuinely felt relieved and happy after that conversation.

But I still think about the other guy. I think about the attraction, the compatibility and the possibility of what could happen, and then I get stuck in the endless:
\\\*“What if I choose wrong?”\\\*
What if the new person is actually a better fit?
What if he’s just exciting because he’s new?
What if I’m staying with my partner because I’m scared of losing him?
What if I leave and regret it?
And what if I stay and always wonder?

I know I’ve handled parts of this badly and I’m not looking for people to tell me that I’m completely innocent. I know I have responsibility for the situation. I’ve dug the joke deeper, I take full accountability for that. I’d just really appreciate constructive advice from people who have experienced something similar. There are so many things I’m still learning of how to be a partner. I’m harsh on myself but I am making improvements.

How do you tell the difference between genuine incompatibility and anxiety or fear of commitment?
And how do you make a decision when you genuinely love someone but also can’t stop wondering about another possibility?

I’m seeing a professional to work through some of this, but I’d really like to hear from people who’ve actually been in a similar situation.

I (M19) have been talking to this guy (M19) for about a month now. We matched on hinge (he sent me a rose) and then started to go on dates. We hang out multiple times a week and have similar interests and I enjoy being around him. We have even introduced each other to our friends and everything is going really well.

But he’s going to college 4 hours away in a different state. I’ve never talked to someone this long and have never been in a relationship let alone a long distance relationship so I don’t know what to do. I

would have probably asked him to be my boyfriend soon but it’s just an awkward position because he’s leaving in a day and won’t be back until thanksgiving break. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to loose the relationship we have going.

I also don’t know if he even wants a relationship or if he’s serious about us the way I am (He’s updated his hinge pictures to photos he’s taken a couple days ago) Do I ask him if he wants to keep talking? It’s making me anxious because I don’t know if I’m doing too much cause I’ve never been in a real relationship let alone this far into a “relationship”.

​

I'm 37M and my boyfriend is 35M. I honestly don't even know where to begin.

This summer, my boyfriend and I were supposed to take a vacation together in the middle of June. We had been talking about it and planning it for about 2–3 months beforehand.

Then he told me he wanted to go back home for the summer. To me, that was no big deal. That's fine. But then he dropped the bomb that he was leaving at the beginning of June, which meant our original vacation wasn't going to happen. I was upset at first, but I still tried to make it work.

I suggested a few places we could meet that would be about a four-hour drive for him and around seven hours for me. I didn't mind doing the longer drive because I still wanted us to have our vacation together. He agreed and said that was fine.

Then, literally two days before we were supposed to meet, he changed his mind and said he couldn't go because he didn't have the money.

I was beyond upset. We had made plans, and once again he backed out. So instead, I decided to go to the Omaha Zoo by myself, which honestly ended up being one of the best decisions I've made.

On my way there, I talked to him on the phone about how everything made me feel. Getting vacation time isn't always easy for me because I work two jobs. My main job is with a school district, so I have summers off, but I'm also in management at my second job, which makes getting time off there more difficult.

During this conversation, he called me controlling. I honestly almost laughed because I don't care that he wanted to go home for the summer. That's not the issue. The issue is that we made plans together and he backed out—not once, but twice.

During the summer, I really tried to keep in contact with him. I would call, text him about my day, ask how he was doing, etc. Eventually, my best friends asked me, "Why are you the one constantly trying to keep in contact with him? Shouldn't he be doing some of the contacting too?"

And honestly, they weren't wrong.

So I stopped initiating contact just to see what would happen. It took about a week and a half before he finally texted me. I think he's called me maybe twice this entire summer. Almost every other phone call has been initiated by me.

He says he doesn't call because he's afraid I'm busy. I've told him multiple times, "Just shoot me a text and ask if I'm busy. I'll tell you yes or no."

Lately, even when I do call him, he seems uninterested in our conversations. I mostly talk about what's going on in my life because he's not here, especially things happening at work, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who isn't really interested.

Now it's almost time for me to go back to school, and he's still not back. If he is back, he hasn't told me. I would really like to spend some time together before school starts again.

Am I crazy for feeling like this? Am I being high-maintenance? Am I actually being controlling?

I don't feel like my needs are being met at all. I'm not asking him to spend every second with me or constantly text and call me. I just want to feel like my boyfriend actually wants to talk to me, spend time with me, and make plans with me.

There's honestly a lot more that has happened, but these are the highlights.

I'm at a loss about what to do. I love him a lot, but lately I don't feel like I'm getting that same love or effort back.

I haven't spoken to him since Monday.

Hi everyone!

This question has probably been asked—or at least crossed many people's minds—countless times before, but should I still believe in my ideals? Can I still believe in fairy tales?

I’m a 25-year-old guy; life hasn't been too kind to me, yet I’ve stayed on my feet and try to live by my principles. I finished university, I’m continuing my education, and I’m trying to build a life for myself. I’m not bad-looking facially, though I do have some physical flaws, and my penis is on the smaller side. My build is average, though I’d like to be more active.

Unfortunately, I believe in fairy tales; unfortunately, I believe in monogamous relationships; unfortunately, I believe that love exists. I want to love someone enough to do anything for them. I want to love someone enough that they feel I am their "home." I want to love someone enough that I crave their scent every day and want to see their face every morning. I want to be their partner—someone they can lean on. I want to have sex without worrying about anything, without having to hide parts of my body I might be ashamed of. I want to feel, to love, and to be loved. I want to share moments with my other half, I want to goof around with them, and I want to be myself when I’m with them. I want to feel that I am loved more than anything else. I want to be free from fear, knowing that together we could handle anything.

Is it worth waiting and sticking to my principles? Unfortunately, my experience so far has been the exact opposite of what I’ve described. I am a masculine guy looking for other masculine guys, but I feel like I represent an increasingly narrow segment, and it will be very difficult to find someone who desires a relationship based on similar principles.

I just want a little reassurance. Sometimes I need a little reassurance to know that it’s not impossible.

Thank you very much for reading this all the way through, and I wish you the best, whoever and wherever you are!🫂

ive been friends with this guy for a few months, and somewhere along the way I started developing feelings for him. he identifies as straight, but there have been a lot of little things he’s said and done that make me question whether there could be something more going on.

we talk pretty often, especially on the phone/FaceTime, and we’ve gotten pretty close. The problem is I can’t tell whether some of his behavior is actually suggestive or if I’m just interpreting it that way because I like him.

for example, one time we were on FaceTime and he randomly showed me his bulge while talking about how big it was. It honestly seemed like he was looking for my reaction or wanted me to agree with him. obviously that stood out to me, but at the same time he talks about women regularly and has always said he’s completely straight.

there have been other moments too where his words or behavior feel kind of flirtatious, but nothing is ever direct enough for me to know for sure. It’s gotten to the point where I spend way too much time analyzing everything he says or does, and I feel like the ambiguity is giving him way too much power over my emotions.

do you guys think this sounds like a straight guy who’s just extremely comfortable with a male friend, or does it seem like there could actually be some curiosity/attraction there?

I’ve been looking back at a past relationship and realizing there were things I completely brushed off at the time.

Things I laughed about, made excuses for, or just thought were normal.

It’s weird how differently you can see a relationship once you’re no longer in it.

What was something you didn’t realize was a warning sign until after the relationship ended?

I [M31] have identified as being bisexual for over 15 years. However, back in November of 2025, I entered my first gay relationship. I didn't know what to expect. I have loved us being in a relationship together and I really do love him and I know he loves me too. The problem is that theirs a large age gap between the two of us. My boyfriend [M20] has a lot of different views of the way things are and is a lot more carefree then me.

Before people judge the age gap, please understand the background. I met my boyfriend while doing theater two years ago. We became fast friends despite our age difference. Due to work, I had to move away. My boyfriend was the only person who would brave a two hour drive, after midnight, to come spend a day or two with me. We would sleep in the same bed and just cuddle. A number of months later we decided to make it official. I moved 45 minutes back towards my boyfriend's house, and he moved 45 minutes towards my house and now we live together!

Back to the main point of the post. My boyfriend, being young, has a lot of habits that can annoy me. A big one is his carefree attitude. He worries me. For example, he got a ticket for speeding. I advised him to go to court and speak to the DA. In order to do that, he had to fill out the ticket and mail it back by a specific date. I kept reminding him to fill it out, but he would get mad whenever I brought it up. Finally, a few days before it was due, he realized he had to get it done and panicked. I helped him mail it in and everything was fine.

Another habit of his that drives me insane, is that he will pass out in the recliner, instead of heading to bed when he knows he is getting tired. When I say pass out, I mean one second, hes having a full conversation with me, and the next his eyes are closed and hes not listening to me. I have tried to wake him up and tell him to go upstairs, but he doesn't. He usually has to wake up early for work, and when he passes out unexpectedly like that, he does not set an alarm. So I worry for him.

I know its not the greatest thing, but I know his phone pass code (he knows mine too, its one of the first things we shared), so I will go into his phone and set an alarm for 15-20 minutes, hoping he will come to bed. He almost never does. Sometimes I wake up at 4 or 5 AM and notice hes still not in the bed, so I will call him, because he always keeps his ringer on. I know this can sound controlling, but theirs two main reasons I do this:

1. I am worried he will oversleep or his phone will die, since his charger is next to our bed

2. I have a real hard time sleeping when hes not in the bed with me

Can anyone help me with suggestions or ideas of what to do. I know I need to stop calling him and just let him sleep on the recliner, but when I wake up and hes not there, I worry and get sad. Any information would be helpful, thank you

I (M30) am looking for advice from guys that have been in the same position. In my early 20's I had no interest in starting a romantic relationship. I had my ho phase and I feel like I have grown out of it at this point. I have been on Tinder and Hinge and I have matched with guys in my city (I live in a larger city in Wisconsin). I have been on dates that I feel have gone well with good conversation, and I am either ghosted or receive a follow up text that I am not the match for them... which is totally fine and I accept because I am sometimes the person that sends that text!

I am starting to really feel down on my prospects of finding a partner to spend my life with. All of my friends have their partners and when I am invited to go out and do things with them I always feel like the awkward 3rd wheel. It makes me feel very invisible. I would love to find somebody to share my life with... where we build each other up and can just be silly and have fun!

Does this resonate with anybody? What do you do/have you done to find a partner that sees you as something more than just a friend? What should good conversation look like on a first date?

Any and all kind advice helps! 😄

I (m21) have been thinking non stop about this guy (M23) I met a couple of weeks ago.
For context: we met on Grindr (yes, I know) months ago but I wasn’t super interested so nothing ever happened. One day I was bored and we matched so I went over to his place and had genuinely the best time of my life, so much so that I suggested I was okay sleeping there since it was already 3am by the time we were done watching movies, talking and having “fun”, just to basically get told no by him. We proceeded to meet 3 more times in the next week and the vibes were amazing, during the 2nd time he suggested I could stay there for the night and that night I honestly think I fell in love.
Fast forward to our last meeting, I messaged him saying he could come over if he was home (I was coming home from work), and I could already feel the vibes were off from the chat. He said he didn’t feel like staying the night but that he would come, he put it in a very “just to make you happy” way, and the night went horrible, not sure what happened, if he was too high to function (he smokes w&&d), if he had other things in mind or what but he was “just there”… I asked him multiple times if everything was fine but he always answered with “yeah sure and u?”, I made him understand that I was more than okay just having him there watching tv without having to take things further and that I wasn’t really comfortable but he didn’t take the hint. We proceeded to take things further and half way thru it I told him to just go home and that the vibe was off.
He wrote me 2 days after acting like nothing happened, after replying he took his sweet time to reply just to told me he was out with friends to wich I never replied.
Yesterday I randomly saw him with another guy I’ve seen on Grindr and I’ve been spyraling since.
He is so far from what I usually like and find “attractive”, he is basically a theatre kid very in touch with his feminine side and open about it.. wich is not something I usually find attractive in guys (absolutely nothing against its just my preference) but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about him.
I’m a not sure about what steps to take next, I know I want to somehow confront him to either close things or see where things go, this has never happened to me before but I feel like I like him too much to keep things casual and “open” so acting like nothing is happening would only make me suffer. I’m also not sure if he likes me in that way, he was always super nice and caring with me but he looks like the type of person that is genuinely like that with everyone so I think it wasn’t because “it’s me”.
English is not my main language so pardon me if there are any mistakes, suggestions are more than welcomed

[36M] here have a great chemistry with a common friend [36M]. Been a while that I fell hard for a guy since my break up. Still just less than a month that we started this connection but trying to see each other every weekend.

In private, everything is really passionate like we are a couple. Communication between us is generally consistent. In public though, it feels like I’m the one who’s more forward while he acts like we’re just friends. When I have an event I’m interested at, I ask if he’s down. On the other hand, I don’t get invited to his and know later on through other means his activities.

As much as I really want to be with him, I’m not sure if these are concerns or something to work on. I’m LTR-oriented so I want to know if this will develop into one.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and its been an amazing and loving relationship, this is someone im considering spending my life with, so I feel very conflicted about our intimacy issues.

We barely have sex, I can count a handful of times in the past six months and I'm very understanding of a low sex drive and this wouldnt be such an issue except there have been circumstances surrounding it that made me feel very unwanted and honestly frustrated.

1. We don't have any sexual intimacy at all. Like no second base, no grinding, no making out, no sexual flirting at all. When I suggest we should just make out and kiss a little in bed he agrees untill I iniate then he backs off and rejects and I dont wanna push it.
2. He waits until Im gone or asleep to jerk off. Ive explained that this is hurtful to me. Especially if Im asleep next to him that feels like such a betrayal that Im right there but he doesnt want me. I suggested masturbating together but he hasnt really been open to that. It just feels super shitty that he basically needs me gone to get off.
3. When we go out partying and get home, he always wants just wants to sleep. Unless we find a guy to have a threesome with, then he's suddenly up for it. It makes me feel like he doenst want me unless someone else is around and makes me search out for guys to hook up with just so I can have his attention. This feels awful.
4. A couple of occasions when we do do something sexual, if I get him off before me, he'll just just turn around and forget about me. I don't have an explanation for this, we talked about how this is not okay but I havent gotten a proper answer on why this happens.

This all sounds super negative, but I do need to preface that I know he loves me, we have a very loving relationship and his family is now practically my family. I have access to his phone and were together all the time so I know he would never cheat on me.

I dont want something as superficial as sex to be a dealbreaker but I cant picture my forever like this. How can I approach this? And when do I just choose myself and break it off?

Hello everyone, this is not my go-to but I feel desperate and out of options. There is no TL:DR for this one Im afraid

This is LONG. Im sorry, but its about a years worth of events tied into a short post. If you have time, please help me. Its not ai and I typed this in my phone. Please read it all if you can

Here goes…

Partner is mtF [F19] not that it matters but for clarification.

Met online in June of last year on grindr. Hit it off well and invited her to my state in early july. (About 10 hours away from her)

I paid for tickets in early July 2025 about $200

She was wonderful, I fell in love. I asked her to move in and she did after going back home for a week. I also paid for the tickets for her to come back to my home state from her state.

We had a tumultuous relationship . There was a lot of good. She taught me a lot, I genuinely valued her in my life. We made holiday meals, I learned to sew. I also influenced her heavily. It was a textbook loving traditional relationship, so I thought. I never understood where a lot of our problems (or hers) came from.

But moving to the present day, Its now been a year and I think Ive been lied to, manipulated, and completely had my humanity disregarded, and I can’t discern whats real and whats not because of this girl. I was (20M) and she was (18MtF) when we met.

She just broke up with me for the 6th time, and decided to go on her way to be homeless because she thinks she can, prove something? Or living with me after what I found out about her was too much guilt.
I will give a little of background in a moment, but by the next day after breaking up with me for the 6th time about she already sent a voicemail with a shaky voice saying I was right all along etc etc and she may have jumped the gun.

Didn’t really make any promises of change or being better, and I think it would be better for me to be without her now but I love her and her situation (being homeless, barely any family) breaks me. Even if she chose it for herself to make some sort of messed up point.

THE STORY:::

So yes, we met online in early June 2025. We had extensive conversations, played minecraft online together. We had even started ideas of traveling across the country together in this time (which we actually did leading us to this present moment.)
She made us a hand drawn phone background off of models of pictures of our eyes. She made an animation of the two of us where one character says “I love you baby.” To the other, like a cute thing. It just progressed like this until we met with ideas of faithfulness, long term ideas, everything.

Basically what Im getting at, is we had an indirect promise of loyalty to each other, and in my eyes, knew each other well enough not to see other people.

So obviously I want to meet her in person before making anything official. She agreed, but because she lived two states away. I decided to buy greyhound tickets (was the quickest travel) I paid $200 for these at the beginning of July, and was scheduled for the last week of July.

She made we schedule it so late because she wanted to do 4th of July, and had to ask off work (a pizza shop) 3 weeks in advance. That was ok, I trusted her.

Fast forward, we fell in love. Deeply. We didn’t even hook up until a few days into her being there as we just enjoyed each others purity (so I thought) and she said yes to moving in.

When she moved in, everything turned 50/50. I room mated with my best friend/brother at the time and he said yes to her being there.
This is where I started to notice what Id call red flags that I think I ignored, and then has allowed her to lie and manipulate me for a whole year.

Heres the list:
-within the first week, she made a comment wishing my brother didn’t live there. Him and I had the place for six months already
-she would destroy the house. Generally was a slob and would throw huge counter arguments in support of it when I tried telling her other people lived there too. This went on for MONTHS with hardly any change from her
-would argue over seemingly everything, even one time stating in exclamation “I have a higher IQ than you!”
-I had already quit nicotine and wanted to quit marijuana as it drained our already tight money. She refused to not smoke near me as it was “controlling her life” and she started somehow getting vapes too, which she had never done. Knowing I was a longtime addict since I was 13
-this all happened before December of that year
-I drove her everywhere, helped her get a job, and she generally relied on me the entire time she was there
-many times she would feint suicide attempts during bad arguments, disappear from the house, and would break up with me to live at her older coworkers place

Now, heres a big one. About the 4th time she broke up with me, she would cycle from her older coworkers house around town. In about March of 2026, she showed up at the house (hadn’t had contact with her for days and was genuinely wanting to move on this time) at 1am with bruises on her neck and what looked like blood stains on her coat.
She woke my brother and he woke me, I consoled her while he called police. Her story was she was riding her back on the side of a road into town (friends house was about a mile outside town) when a truck apparently pulled up and catcalled. She tried saying she was trans and not their target, so they attacked her by pushing her off her bike. Tried chocking her and sucking on her neck. Apparently she fought them off hard enough or they didn’t think it was worth it to rape her and they left. She claimed not to be thinking and didn’t try getting any license plate info as they drove off, and she couldn’t describe any facial features besides white and middle age.
She also, oddly, did not want us to call the police. We did anyway. They got her story etc and took her coat for evidence. Although at this point, knowing this girl, my brother was convinced that she was faking it, and that the blood was actually lipstick. To be fair, it didn’t look right to me either. Although the bruises on her neck were horrific looking. She said she rode around on her bike for 40 minutes through town after in a daze. They also looked like hickeys rather than hand marks, but that aligned with her story of them sucking on her neck in the fight.
Thing is, when she showed up she had a carton of eggs, completely unsmashed after being attacked and knocked off her bike? Every store closed at 11, and she showed up at 1am? Its max a 20 minute ride from the store to home on a bike. Her story started having holes here. Im unsure whether she was returning from the grocery store, or going there. I remember her as going there, but memory is fickle. If thats the case, then her timeline doesn’t add up to me.
Not only that, she said she went to walmart, but she had a pick n save bag, and eggs. She said she rode around for 40 mins after her attack, but Im positive she said she was coming into town, not out. Not only that, she showed up at the house at 1am when every store was shut down and closed by 11pm sharp. A total of two hours after when she could’ve got eggs. Her coworkers house was maybe a 45 minute bike ride. She had shut off life360 as she had broken up with me (kinda) still showed up at the house at random times to give me food etc. it was only about a four day period of separation
This was also towards the end of winter, but with minimal snow on the ground. Cops never found tire tracks and we even went to the site where she claimed to be attacked, with her, and found no evidence.
Brother and I decided to let police handle it, although he was doing his best to get an answer as he told them repeatedly no way is that blood.

We got back together immediately after that. We let her live in the house until our lease was up (as I had to leave state early for my friends funeral) I felt terrible for her as any human should, as she also lost her job the next day after her attack as well. This resparked our relationship completely and while I was home for three months, she survived in this unknown state and started making a living for herself.

I wont lie, we still argued a lot over the phone, but things were slightly better. She had made promises that she had grown up a lot in my absence, and “realized” how awful she had actually treated someone who spent nearly $2000 on her when first meeting AND let her live with them to escape her reportedly awful life.

Fast forward to now. During my time home, I messed up bad and went on a date. It was emotional cheating. All the buildup and stress caused my integrity to fail. I had a lot of mistrust in her still, and the way she would talk to me on the phone (not answering for over 24 hours as well) really made me think she was up to no good, but it was me who wasn’t. I never had intention, but I was so confused on what my partner was and actually doing. (This has a twist at the end of the story)

Eventually I came back up to the state in early June as we had planned, albeit a month early. She found out, because she is super intelligent, and I was guilt ridden. I let her go through my phone, go through everything, I tried to hide at first but embraced that this was the universe finally punishing me for being the awful boyfriend I thought I was (and still kinda do)

She decided to stay with me.

THE CATCH:::::

Her connection with the lady she was living with fell through when I showed up because she lied to this 50 year old woman about who I was. She said we just met (been together nearly a year at this point) and as we were packing up her last things to leave this persons house for good, the lady asked me if her grandmother had actually died.

Yea I never heard of that I told her. In my mind knowing that this did not happen, and that my GF had lied to this womans face even though it was completely unnecessary, and we were literally a few items being packed to leaving anyways.

This kinda alarmed me, but I shoved it down like always. Although I did talk to her about it and she claimed I was grilling her when she was just doing what she had to, in her words, to get out of there. I was just worried about the extent of my GF being a liar, and lying about things like that was pretty extreme.

I have also caught my GF white lying when I lived with her. Things like her being taken home by coworkers she never introduced me to, and when I asked how she got home she would say she walked. (Even though I have life360 and can obviously tell she didn’t)
She wasn’t cheating with these people, just getting rides home so I couldn’t ever pursue it.
There were other tiny instances of this caught by me and even my brother, but too tiny for me to notice often really. Although she never did say much about her background, claimed she just never had much to speak about, etc.

It never made sense to me how she could be so talented and well versed in something but then you ask her about some hole in her story or last and she would go all blank and literally stonewall. Odd. It caused arguments, they never went anywhere. I tried comprising, not much ever changed.
She would tear me apart over these things too, hence the four attempted breakups and subsequent returns by her. ANYWAYS

We start living in my car, we drive across the country to the West Coast. In this time, for the first time ever, I finally decided to go through her phone.
It feels like G-d himself was trying to show me something because oh boy, it was bad.
She had paid for grindr account premium earlier that year in March (she claimed it was to see if I made one after she broke up with me because she was insecure, but she had paid for it) Good excuss, I can’t prove otherwise.
So I go through her texts while she’s sleeping, I type the word “fck” with a U in her message search bar. I find three deleted contacts all with messages, with guys she had hooked up with in the past. No big deal. Even though at the beginning of the relationship she said she had never been with anyone, which changed to only having three bodies as flings, which changed again to (I tried to but they all flaked) when I found a spotify duo playlist of her and another guy. The playlist was not that far down.

THE TWIST::::

These were awful messages, talking about all sorts of stuff. I only got through one person though, barely. As I had found out that two days before she was scheduled to take the bus with tickets I bought for her. After two months of talking calling online. With our phone backgrounds set as her drawing she made of our eye shapes together.
She had some random dude come pick her up at her family’s house and fck her terrible at his house, and there were descriptive details of what they did in text. Saying she loved how they rimmed each other etc, and I know she didn’t use protection on the guy and let him cum in her. I couldn’t go further. I was sick, I was damned. It was truly awful. This was literally two days before she was scheduled to arrive and I showed her around the beautiful state as previously described. I hadn’t been with anyone in months, I thought she was truly special. To me, this is cheating, of some of the worst degree.
I immediately woke her angry. I demanded to know. She claimed she didn’t know me at the time and since we only met on July 25th in person, in her reasoning at the time she didn’t think it mattered because we were just long distance and nothing was said in direct words that we were loyal to each other only. Even though we said the classic (I like you) statements in text long before July even came. I was just a thought at the time apparently and she lived for whatever made her feel good, in her words. She at first defended it, but I kept finding more things, and also promises of devotion in our long distance period before she did this from old text screenshots. She had cheated, and lied about it for an entire year, playing a facade of this innocent victim who never even watched porn (I had found out that was also a lie, obviously). To me, all a bunch of bull.

This reversed everything obviously, and even though we both agreed to try forgoing the past, and I agreed to stay. We still had more fights, and finally she decided that since I was so hard on her for her actions, she was just going to be homeless to prove I was wrong about her being a bad person or naive or whatever.
That leads to now. It’s been almost a week since she stormed off with few bags. I cried when she left, she didn’t and was actually cruel and mean to me the entire time.

Literally the next day sent a voice audio saying how she just didn’t like being called a burden (I didn’t even though she lives off of my doordash income and in my car) and she started doing the shaky cry voice without actually crying. All in a voice message. Wanting to get back together. I didn’t respond for awhile and she texted me again. I said we need distance, and I need to think. Leading to now.

Ive met up with my brother again who is also in the West Coast, he recounted the times she had lied, and he mentioned something. We gave the police his number, my number, and her number. They still haven’t called us about the attack. My brother was a bartender in the town, and he was tight with some police officers (very small town) he said she became a slight laughing stock in the department because the attack was obviously staged and a cry for attention. I still have issues believing that.

I have a lot going on, I feel Ive lost my ability to tell whats real and whats not anymore. I love this girl with all my heart, I want whats best for her. I dont want her to try making a life from scratch being homeless 3,500 miles away from home.
At the same time, I am miserable around her, she somehow now manages to suck the joy out of every waking moment, and it doesn’t even require her to speak. Just knowing what she’s done, how long she was able to lie to me and I believed it.

I feel cheated. I feel manipulated. She says it went both ways, I disagree. I was with someone wearing a human skin it feels like. While I think she still means good, she came from a messed up life and its just who she is. I can’t feel like I can trust any word of her again since the person Ive known for a year was all just a big lie.

I think I covered most of the big things. If there are any questions please ask. Ive been typing for a while and Im still exhausted reliving all my memories. Trying to not be depressed.

Someone please help a brother out and help me learn if I am the crazy constantly angry parent who constantly grills the ones they love that she made me out to be, or not.

Please also tell me if its a good idea to stay in contact with her in case an emergency happens. I will try to not fall victim to her lies and manipulation, and I dont see myself being able to be happy with her, especially because she made no promises of change or even hinted at it in her voice message.
I just dont think she’s a bad person, and it would kill me if something happened to her on the street.

I may be traumatized from this all truly, I haven’t had a good life either with lacking parents. Im doing better than ever in my life technically, but its still rough.

If she gets back with me, that means she’ll live in my car again. A lot of her stuff is here but she said she didn’t care and that it was all mine now. (because she couldn’t carry it while walking the city) if she lives in the car, I can almost guarantee life will go back to being awful. While it’s really painful not having someone Im so used to constantly being around, I have felt genuinely at some sort of peace, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I also feel like I don’t deserve to feel good after this because of what Ive done. Even though my brother says nothing Ive done even comes close to the scale of what she’s done. I wanted a life with her, but now knowing what she’s done, I don’t think I could ever get past it without her giving in completely. (She has never admitted her attack was fake and I have no idea what else she is hiding).

Peace y’all, sorry for the long one. A man is desperate to do the right thing.

Edit: to add, it wasn’t all bad. Though that is the excuse I hear a lot from toxic relationships. This person did value me. They did change a lot and have pushed me to things I never had the bravery to do. They come from an awful background and at this age its hard to just shake that off.

I stayed with her because we both wanted a life together, I thought. I can’t explain the constant want for her in my life. I dont really feel attracted to other people. I can’t let her live in my car with me again for sure, but I had my own share of bad in this relationship too. In that year we spent together we grew to love one another, I want someone to spend a life with. Not someone that is trying to fill this persons shoes. I dont understand it. Knowing the effect of her on me, I still feel like we can rebuild on our happiness and care for one another. This post is to hopefully convince me not. I haven’t had a situation like this before, and it could be my own past making me stay even it might not be good for me. Its just that chance for good, if it worked, would make us an unstoppable duo. I missed when it felt like that. She also funded our entire cross country trip, but it feels like more out of guilt for brutally cheating on me when I spent nearly $2000 at the beginning of the relationship.

I’m a gay man and recently had a relationship end after around three months. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while sexually something seemed to change as we became closer.

When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.

There definitely seemed to be sexual desire initially. He told me multiple times that he couldn’t wait to have sex with me and talked openly about things he wanted us to do. At one point we almost had sex but decided against it because he had to be up extremely early for work.

I had also told him I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. He told me he struggled to orgasm with condoms. When we later became exclusive, he actually asked me whether that meant we could now have sex without one. I said yes.
So at least from my perspective, sex was something he was anticipating.

But it never actually progressed.

We kissed, cuddled and had some sexual contact, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely naked.

Eventually we started talking about why we weren’t having sex.

He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to be sexually intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by sex and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to devalue the importance of sex.

He had also stopped watching porn for several months (97 days a counter on his phone) before meeting me and had recently stopped masturbating because he felt porn/his previous sexual behaviour had affected his relationship with sex.

Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like sex became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether the spontaneous desire to have sex with me would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”

I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether he wanted sex, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.

He went for one therapy session to discuss the issue. And then very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.

His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to be intimate with me and had tried to convince himself/speak it into existence, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that forcing it wasn’t fair to either of us.

What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.

Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the sexual side work, that he’d hurt me and would regret it.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to struggle with emotional vulnerability generally.

I’m **not trying to diagnose him as dismissive-avoidant**, and I recognise the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the sexual chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate sex with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to have sex with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person who lost the desire or the person on the receiving end?

I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment/intimacy, sexual performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around sex, or desire changing as emotional intimacy increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I know I’m probably searching for explanations because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of sexual desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”