r/gayrelationships

We've been together for over a year. We started casual but called it official in August last year. He's not out with his vietnamese parents even though everyone in his family knows. My white American family was easy to talk to. He's never been in a relationship and I've only been in straight relationships. So there is a lot that is new for both of us. We enjoy time together but because of his work and family situation we only see each other a few times a week and usually it's after 9pm and he needs to leave at midnight. We've had a few weekends together taking short trips, and occasionally he stays the night when it's convenient for him. He always asks that i understand. And really, I'm trying. His family knows about me and I've met them once before. His siblings know all about our relationship and his parents know also (but it's still secret? ). The problem is that before I knew they know i could understand why our relationship couldn't feel normal. But now that I know they know it's so much easier to see that he creates the problem more than anyone.

He gives me advice on how I need to be patient and understanding, but it really feels like I'm just understanding that this is the extent of our relationship. I wait for him and maybe he cancels. He changes his mind all the time about plans we make and i end up sitting alone instead of going out with other friends. His family doesn't know why he doesn't have me more involved with them and I wonder the same thing.

Tldr: Boyfriend doesn't want to accept responsibility/ accountability for a relationship but wants to keep me along saying he doesn't want to show me to his family until he's sure we will stay together but I feel like I'm wasting time on someone that just wants a casual secret relationship.

I just don't know if I'm asking too much. I feel like his needs are being met but mine are not respected and instead I'm asked to "understand".

I've been thinking lately about the difference between these two categories.

Over the last year, I've had a friend-with-benefits who's in an open relationship with his partner. The partner and I have met. But I'm thinking of cutting out the benefits part because I've admitted to myself that I've fallen in love with this guy. At the same time, I know that my FWB is also actively seeking out and having sex with other "daddies." (He's into older men.) He has actually described himself as a slut. And that's really the problem for me. I feel like I could share him with his partner, but I don't like the idea of sharing him with all these other guys. (Maybe that's hypocritical, but love isn't always rational.) And I see him on the apps. He's always looking around. In fact, because he's looking around so much, he doesn't really have as much time for me as I'd like. I'm a fairly low-maintenance guy, but I want more than I'm getting.

Because of that, I've made a list of reasons we're not compatible and have taped it to the bottom of my computer monitor. First on the list is: "Do you really want to be with someone who's sleeping with every man like you in town?" The answer is no. I'm trying to train myself not to think of him romantically while having him remain a friend.

On the other hand, I was also recently and unexpectedly invited to join an existing couple, one of who is someone I've known for 20 years. In contrast, he had specific permission from his partner for me. I get the sense that we are heading towards being some kind of throuple, but it's definitely not an open situation. They are not doing this with anyone else. At this point, I'm seeing how that's going to develop. I feel very comfortable with their "couple energy." I would potentially be willing to be in a relationship where the three of us were closed.

The contrast between these two situations has foregrounded for me the difference between polyamory and open relationships. One I'm comfortable with -- the other, not so much.

Me and my boyfriend have been official for a couple of months now, but we've known each other for a bit over a year. He's a good guy, very caring and supportive, and we get along very well. However, I've sort of felt uncomfortable with his social circle... I haven't met his friends personally, nor would I ever want to because a lot of them are very bigoted. They would probably give me a lot of shit as I'm not very straight-passing. I'm sure not all of them are terrible, but my boyfriend has told me about some of the racist and homophobic things they've said. It's just really baffling to me because my boyfriend is very progressive and very much does not condone any of the bigoted shit his friends say... yet he continues to hang out with them? He says that it's due to nostalgia since he's been friends with them for a long time, but I'd personally rather have no friends than shitty friends. It also makes me feel kinda weird knowing that I don't and probably won't ever exist to this friends. Like why am I associating myself with someone who associates himself with people I disagree deeply with on a moral level. We're still able to hold hands in public, his family knows about our relationship, we've gone to pride events together... it's just his friends that he can't be open about being queer with. I don't know if I'm just overexaggerating this issue because he's still able to be a great boyfriend despite his bigoted friends, but it still makes me uncomfortable to be in a relationship with someone whose friends are very bigoted and would hate my guts. I guess I just don't understand how he's able to compartmentalize his friends from the rest of his life. There was a time where he wasn't in-touch with his friends for months, and I thought that maybe he had finally cut them off, but he's been hanging out with them more recently. I also think he gets a lot of his insecurities from his friends, as he'll be insecure about his masculinity which is often associated with homophobic rhetoric too. I guess I'm just not sure what to do. I've talked about it with him in the past, but it doesn't seem like he's planning on getting away from them anytime soon. He says he wishes he had a queer-friendly friend group like mine. I would involve him with my friends, but we don't hang out in-person as much anymore as everyone's pretty busy. I don't wanna be controlling by determining who he can be friends with. But it's hard to imagine myself being with someone in the long-term who has bigoted friends.

TLDR: Boyfriend has very bigoted friends and I feel uncomfortable but not sure what to do about it.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? If so, what did you do about it?

Hi, I’m a nineteen-year-old boy from Italy. I’m writing here because I think I don’t understand much about gay relationships. I’m curvy/chubby and I can't find someone in the 20–26 age range who appreciates me and my appearance. I’ve been abroad too, and people do exactly the same. I’ve always wanted to have my first sexual experience with a boyfriend, but when I moved abroad I decided to have sex with someone and I had awful experiences, partly because of my physical appearance. I feel horrible and used, and like no one can like me for who I am. On an app where I met people from all over the world, I noticed that only Latin guys appreciate boys like me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll have to stay alone for my whole life and I’ll never have a relationship. I don’t want old desperate men, I want to feel loved.

Hi everyone, I’m 26M and I’ve been seeing a 35M that I met on Hinge. I work a corporate job and he owns a cloud kitchen, so we come from pretty different professional backgrounds. At first I thought that would matter more than it actually does. We also come from somewhat similar family backgrounds and difficult upbringings, so we understand each other’s insecurities in a way that’s been really comforting. (To not jinx it 🧿)

We’ve only met a few times, but it’s been going really well. I’ve stayed over at his place, met his mom, and every time we’re together it just feels… easy. This doesn’t feel like one of those dates where you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. It genuinely feels like it could become something meaningful, and I know that sounds a little crazy this early.

The problem is that my brain won’t stop jumping into the future. I’ve always pictured myself ending up with someone from a similar career background, and I’ve also always been open to the idea of moving to another country at some point. Because of his family situation, especially his mom, I don’t think he’d ever want to leave, and for some reason that thought makes me really anxious. I’ve even told him that if I ever did move, I’d want us to figure it out somehow because I’m not someone who gives up on people easily.

What’s confusing is that nothing is actually wrong. There are no red flags, no mixed signals, no toxic behavior (got lucky here too - touchwood 🤞🏻). If anything, things are going better than I expected.

So why am I already worrying about hypothetical situations that may never even happen? Is this just what happens when you finally meet someone you genuinely like? Has anyone else caught themselves trying to solve problems that don’t even exist yet instead of just letting the relationship grow naturally?

I am a 18 year old boy and I’ve had a few relationships here and there, but they never really worked out. so I’ve just disconnected myself from the dating scene and prioritize myself. However my male friend that I’ve known for a while, and I have been much more touchy than we were before. We hold hands with interlocking fingers and rubbing thumbs, he sometimes places his hand on my knees and more recently I had to sit on his lap in a cramped car. He had his hands on my thighs for a bit and then had one hand on my waist/stomach and the other on my chest. And I am unsure what to think about it. I’m not sure if he’s just being friendly cuz I’m his friend or if he actually likes me. I’ve never had a relationship start like this, and I’m freaking out a bit.
We both have a lot of the same interests and I’m openly gay and he’s bisexual (but I don’t think he’s out with his family)
I do find him very attractive and charming, but I don’t wanna jump the shark and ask him. Should I just see if it develops more? Cuz it’s been a couple months of this happening. Anyways I’m asking for y’all’s thoughts about this cuz I’m still very young and dumb.
Any advice and tips would be greatly appreciated.

I (35 yr gay male) recently caught my 33 year old husband on Grindr and sniffies recently.

A couple of years ago I was sick with Covid and while I was really sick in bed, I caught him on Grindr with an inappropriate profile picture. We did not every discuss opening up our marriage, in fact, we’ve always been adamant about not going on hookup apps even before we were married and deleted them together earlier on in our relationship. I caught him this first time and he owned up to it that it was a moment of weakness and he was feeling sexually deprived (which I understand b/c we were lacking in the infancy dept at the time). He claimed to have never met up with anyone, so we moved on and didn’t speak about it since.

Then we were in Brazil and I found out he was talking sexually with someone on X and the date stamp was the week or week after we got married. Again, he owned up to it and claimed to have never met up with anyone.

Then just recently, I felt him being really shifty around his phone. I did not go through his phone. Instead I had an inkling he was on Grindr again, so I created a fake account and say him there and this time said he was hosting and was willing to meet up with guys. Also saw his profile on sniffies. I confront him and he said that he would just talk to people and get off because of the thrill. I also found a wet douche, PreP, and HIV prevention medication, and claims he never used the medication and the douche was so he could use a toy while he got off to Grindr messages. Was very apologetic and owned up to it. I feel like trust has been broken time and time again and finding it hard to look at him the same way and express my love.

Look, we’ve been lacking in the instinct department for a couple of years and gay relationships are complicated. I understand to extent needing to seek a thrill because we weren’t giving that to each other. We settled on seeing a sex therapist and getting a couples therapist..which is fine but I just don’t know how I can emotionally get back there with him. I have a huge wall up.

We rarely have deep conversations anymore and ultimately agreed we both feel like roommates. I’m struggling to feel sexually and emotionally attracted to my husband and I’m sure he feels the same way. I’m starting to think we may not be as compatible as we thought we were. We are each other’s best friends and have invested so much in each other and our families. But I think we rushed into a marriage after 3 years of dating without having routine deep conversations.

Any help, tips, suggestions on what to do :( I’m really sad and have a lot of anxiety and struggling so bad right now :(

Some context: my ex (let’s call him J) and I were together almost 4 years, long distance. He broke up with me about 4 months ago. Since then it’s been an on-off limbo I’ve been the one doing all the reaching the entire time.

He invited me to visit him recently for a weekend. I went, telling myself it was for “closure.” Before I went he was warm, affectionate, paid for a hotel night for me. The first couple of days were genuinely good, sightseeing, holding hands, felt like old times.
Then on the third day he got drunk at an event and it turned into a 3-hour screaming argument in public. He berated me, threw a tantrum, threw his belongings, and physically pushed me. When I fell he said “you fell” A stranger who saw it said out loud “no you pushed him” and J denied it, I have bruises on my arm now. I brought up wanting to actually try again (I’d been bringing it up daily, I know) and he told me he can’t be with someone who isn’t out to their family, but when I said I’d be willing to come out and just needed his support, he said “I can’t give you that, you have to do it yourself.” I was 19 at the time living at home with my ultra religious parents at university - I was in no position to come out to them. - he was aware of.

At the airport he said sorry — but when I asked what for, he said sorry for breaking up with me. Not for the push, not for the screaming.
I got home. Within a day he was back on a hookup app (he’d deleted it while I was there, re-downloaded it the second I left). Now he’s proposing a “biweekly catch-up call.”

I keep reaching for him even knowing all this. I finally realised I flew across an ocean for what a friend would call scraps. But I still love him and I keep rationalising his behaviour.
What would you tell me to do?

I have been wrestling with this question for a while now… for some context, my partner (male) and I (female) have been living together going on a year. I am a very sexual person and so is my partner. Which is great. We have a wonderful and for filled sex life from my perspective.
Pretty early on in the relationship my partner expressed being interested in being pegged, great I said I would love to try that. Some time has passed and we have experimented a little but not all the way. Recently, I have been finding new sex toys hidden around the house. These consist of dildos and douches. They have been tucked away in random places that I find when organizing and vacuuming. It has now escalated to squirting dildos. I got upset because I felt that he wasn’t being satisfied and should express that to me. I have confronted him multiple times. Each time be reassured me that he is happy and in love. But I worry that this is becoming less like sexuality is a spectrum and him more hinting at wanting a male partner or experience. Any advice would be great!!!

I want to start of by saying I don’t want to break up with him I just want advice on a way I can communicate it to him or if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice. My bf struggles with his sexual confidence, personally I don’t find that a deal breaker , what I’m starting to feel is exhaustion. I feel like he doesn’t actually consider it an actual issue that needs to be worked on consistently, it affects our sex life a lot, I can’t really make suggestions about horny things I’d like to try because it causes him to overthink if he’s good enough or if he hasn’t been satisfying me all along and sex will basically be off the table because he won’t be able to get hard so I literally can’t even explore anything with him because of his sexual confidence. I also can’t relax during sex I’m mostly almost in protective mode , and deep down it kinda hurts that he loses erections while inside me , yes I know it’s not about me but knowing he hasn’t had this issue before in the past just makes my mind wonder maybe I’m just not desirable enough. Honestly I would be ok with working through this together because I truly love him so much, he’s an amazing man, the problem is he is not proactive about working on it and he almost completely relies on me to motivate him, remind him, and keep him going, if i don’t he just stops and this dynamic is becoming increasingly exhausting.

Thanks for reading any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you

I’m 20 he’s 24

Everything started 10 years ago, my actual husband then bf found me on Grindr…at that time I asked him for another chance and forgiveness, he accepted due there were only pic exchanges nothing physical. We were ok then after 3 years and living in different cities and countries I did it again; and he again found me on Grindr (supposedly he was only checking me) I asked again for forgiveness because again was only pic exchanges nothing physical. But he was still on Grindr looking for me like the first time, because he didn’t believe that I was not there and he was correct I was there; but he was there too I don’t know how long or often and told me he was not chatting only looking for me.
Then again my fault 1.5 years ago and my fetish to see people with no clothes…I installed Grindr again. And the same thing happened but now we are married and still living in different cities waiting to live together due certain problems with visas. After that few days ago he started a conversation showing me my profile and even pictures of me that I sent to his fake profile, but this time at the heat of the conversation I gave him my account and password that I had been using, and he started scrolling and looking to all my conversations and yes this time I contacted two profiles and the conversation showed that I went to two different “parties” ykwim, after the conversation he told me that he is disappointed about my attitude which I know is wrong but I can handle by myself the impulse to see people there, I told him about how much I love him and the my urge to see real guys with no clothes but this time was different cause I participate in one reunion (bj & hj only no more than that but mistake is mistake). After that conversation he told that he was impressed of my sex drive and that he never thought I was like that and never with him (he is almost asexual). But after saying that he told me that how does it feel if it was the other way around, which I know is super wrong, that he will start to do the same if that’s what I want; which I don’t want too.
Talking about the same he asked me for solution which I commented that I need to take therapy to control my impulse that already damaged our long distance marriage he just told me that he needs to think about it cause he is not very much into those kind of therapies. I’m looking for help because I don’t want to lose him but at this moment I know the damage is done and is irreversible, because the word divorce was mention in the conversation.

Any of you can help me to clarify my mind? If so thank you before hand

So we’ve been together for more than 5 months and last weekend we decided to attend pride together. There was a DJ on the street and lots of people. Everything was going well: we were drinking, singing and dancing together. As my boyfriend is charismatic, attractive and such a good dancer he started getting a lot of people’s attention so they wanted him/us to join their groups of friends to dance with.

I was okay with him dancing in the middle and getting all the claps and attention but there was a point that it wasn’t us anymore, it was just him and everyone else. and this weird feeling of being left behind started invading me. He would prefer to dance with anyone else (mostly girls) but me, he would look at me only at certain times. I know he’s allowed to have fun and not being next to me the whole time but it was completely different as it was just an hour before. 

I felt like maybe I needed another drink to keep up so I left the group of people we were dancing with to get one. He didn’t notice I had left only after like 10 minutes, he just looked at me did nothing about it, he kept dancing. while I started sipping my drink I noticed the shirtless hunk who was kissing some other guys minutes before was approaching my boyfriend and I knew it was over for me, my heart stopped and then they were face to face, ofc I didn’t listen what he said to him but, all the people around started to shout “kiss kiss kiss”, the ones who knew he was my boyfriend turned their faces to see my reaction and my bf looked at me kind of asking for permission. I nodded. something inside of me felt like he was going to reject him, that’s why I nodded, but that didn’t happen. They kissed, and my boyfriend was staring at me while doing it the entire time. all the people around started screaming/laughing/cheering. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

I froze. It’s like time stopped completely and it was just me staring at that image. the person who promised would never break my heart was kissing a random guy at a party in front of me and the person who said he would never tolerate the idea of me flirting or kissing a stranger was there giving me an anxiety attack. I ran as fast as I possible so I could breathe and think, but then I realized that i couldn’t just leave him there by himself, after all he’s just 22 so I came back so we could talk. 

When I came back, I guess it was just like 5 minutes after the incident, he was mad at me for leaving him but when he saw me shaking and crying he also started crying and claimed he kissed the guy in the chin not on the lips. then he started faking a panic attack and right after he “recovered” he said that he didn’t remember anything at all and maybe they put something on his drink and that he would never do something like that. 

I don’t know what to do at all, but maybe hearing other people‘s perspectives would help 

EDIT: I'm not mad at people calling me the monster and the villain here since that's what i asked for: perspective. But i wouldn't be this "exhausting" if we hadn't agreed before that kissing strangers was NOT allowed and if he hadn't said that doing so is disgusting.

For those couples who allow their partners to make out with other people (or those who know of those), do you make out with friends, strangers, or only hookups? Or all the above?

Just curious as it’s all new to me. (I made out with a friend couple).

So for years I out off any sort of possibility of dating until recently I became very infatuated with a guy who basically ghosted me a ton until I finally removed him from my contacts I wasnt able to move on. However, what it made me realize is that all I really want and care about is being in a relationship and it is sort of changing my physical-ness of hookups.

I met 3 guys over the course of this past week (all 3 instances were basically just mutual jo), but the first guy I was sort of interested in and we kissed, but even in the moment while things happened I sort of stared at the ceiling and wasn't really engaged with any of it. He did the kissing, etc. The second guy I really wasn't into it and wasnt attracted to him in person so left but the 3rd guy who I met this morning was so insanely hot. He asked if he could kiss me and I said no partially because he smelled like coffee but also whenever kissing happens I usually just let it happen to me versus actively kissing back. Its weird of me, but i just dont seem to get into a lot unless I am really into a guy. Like i like getting kissed but I said no and now regret it.

Point of post, I also sort of have become infatuated by him and he is sort of the person that has moved me on from the guy I last liked​. I don't necessarily know if i am enjoying sex with him because I am so lost about what I am interested in because my mind the entire time is thinking about wedding rings and house decor type stuff.

I think my focus on attracting someone relationship wise is the only thing my mind is letting me do, but it doesnt work out because these guys arent interested in that aspect with me. I also feel bad because all 3 times basically the guys did everything and I sort of was just there.

Married for over 30 years and overall things are good. There have been some issues in the past with hubby having a personal online life involving chatting with guys and sharing pics, vids etc. with each other. We have had some counseling over this and set some ground rules about it. The two primary ones are that he cannot spend all his sexual energy on sharing/chatting/jerking with these "friends" ; he needs to save some for us. The second is that he cannot do it when we are in the house together. I don't love he does this but also understand everybody expresses their sexuality differently and find different things a turn on so I'm trying to allow him that.

Lately, he's been breaking number two. This morning, I walked into the bedroom to find him taking a dick pic. This isn't the first time this has happened lately. I didn't say anything and just left. I'm trying to process how I feel about this but overall it makes me feel like he's not interested in me anymore and also that he doesn't respect me enough to honor the deal we made. I guess I find it hurtful.

I'm going to talk to him about it but looking for a sounding board here. Is what I'm asking reasonable or am I making a big deal out of nothing? All our friends are mutual friends and I really don't want to talk about this with them.

Thanks for listing.

My boyfriend (23M) and I have been together for four months, although we talked for over a year before making it official. He lives two hours away, but I drive to see him weekly, and we fall asleep on the phone every night we’re not together. We’re even moving to another state together next month. He makes me feel very loved (in fact, he was the first to say the L word, and we tell each other every day), and just being in his presence makes me the happiest boy alive.

But I can’t get rid of this gnawing feeling that he isn’t physically attracted to me.

I wouldn’t say I’m an unattractive guy. I think I’m pretty alright, and on occasion I even think I’m kinda hot. But I do struggle with OCD, as well as body image issues, which often affect my perception of myself. I’ve confided in my bf about these things, and he’s very understanding and reassuring. He tells me all the time how handsome, sexy, and beautiful he thinks I am. But that gnawing part of me finds it hard to accept.

We’re each other’s first serious relationship, but before me he hooked up with several guys. They were mostly tall jock/frat boy types (he’s in college), and more dominant and masculine than I am. I’m 5’7”, and while I work out and have a decent build, I’m not afraid to eat and don’t have washboard abs. Also, while I wouldn’t consider myself especially feminine, I’m not macho and I don’t have a dominant personality. I’ve been told I’m “soft” and a “golden retriever” boyfriend, which is where my insecurities begin.

Before me, my boyfriend primarily bottomed, but he refuses to do so for me, despite my having a preference for topping. At first he said it was because he just didn’t want to bottom anymore, which I understood. But I had a feeling it was something more, and he eventually told me it’s because he couldn’t see himself bottoming for a guy like me (i.e., not dominant). It makes me question why he’s with me in the first place.

Again, he makes me feel very loved and he reassures me constantly. But if I’m clearly not his type, what am I doing here, you know? I try not to let these feelings consume me, and I try to trust that he’s being honest when he says he loves me the way I am, because I love him too and don’t want to sabotage what we have, but it’s so hard when I feel like I’m not what he truly wants…

Hi fellow gays,

I am planning to propose to my bf at our anniversary late july and want to gift him something for this occasion.

The problem is that we both are not really big fans of rings or necklaces. So my question is if you have any ideas for a proposal gift. I was thinking of something like engraved keychains but I am not sure.

Thank you

my bf (M38) me (M26) age gap is not really an issue for me. 8 years a go we met on grindr, sex was hot we had sex like twice every 2 days for first 2 years. then he asked me to be his bf. but as in open relationship and i said yes. year 3 and 4 sex was less as we both explored other guys but never really discussed or played together....year 5 we started looking to buy a place together and we finally found one and move in.....but after we moved in we were so stress with the house and that time i also got laid off from a job so i was quite upset with life so we had less and less sex. fast forward to this year we almost broke up in jan as he went on a solo holiday 3 weeks and expected me to feel ok with it. so i got upset when he got back as i felt disgusted by his behaviour .....we stopped talking for 3 weeks, didnt have sex not even a kiss for almost 8 months. after valentine things start getting better as i said i still love him and still want this to work so i moved on and forgive him but he never said or understood why i felt upset about his solo holiday. he even brough 2 pairs of socks from those guys back home which drive me nuts. those still in the cupboard......now we have a bj once every week or 2 which is nothing compare to when we first know each other, every time i brought the sex up or try to get sexy with him he will push me away but he is always online grindr and other apps. i tried to break up but we bought a place together so hard to get out atm....have to wait till we renew and ask him to seperate.......is he seeing someone els at this point and only staying together because he cant find someone to love him ?

As the title says my partner and I are moving in together in a little over a month we just got approved for the apartment. We have been dating for almost 3 years, I have lived alone for the last 6 years and with roommate mostly before that after moving out of my parents. He has never really lived alone. Has either lived with family or a past partner.

I am just really looking for advice and tips on moving in with your partner for the first time. What have you learned in your experiences or good things to do either before or shortly after we move in.

We both work full time and make decent money. We will be in Chicago and he will be living in the city for the first time as he is from the suburbs. I’ve lived in the city for the last 6 years. I am really excited but also nervous as I’ve never lived with a partner before. We have solid relationship and have been in couples counseling for about 6 months. (No issues just wanted to make sure we build a strong foundation). We also are not open.

So I’m considering having sex with this guy who’s hiv positive but undetectable, and he’s takes Biktarvy daily and has been undetectable for years now (according to him). I’ve been conflicting in letting our relationship develop in part because I want to still experience barebacking with a person I trust and yknow, all that kinky stuff with cum and all.
I read online that it’s impossible to transmit hiv when a person is undetectable and has been for a while. But.. I’m still scared? It’s such a unspoken topic and I’ve never met anyone with this and so seeing it online without any anecdotal stories makes it so.. foreign and not comforting. I know it’s silly psychological mind patterns, but I’d just like to know someone’s experience with this first hand. A human, not a robot telling me it’s okkkkk