u/Empty-Influence-4205

I’m a gay man (32M) and recently had a relationship end after around three months. He is 28M. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while the intimate side of the relationship seemed to change as we became closer.
When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids, etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.
There definitely seemed to be physical desire initially. He told me multiple times that he was excited about us becoming more intimate and talked openly about things he wanted us to explore together.
I had also told him that I wanted to use protection before we became exclusive. He told me this could make intimacy more difficult for him. Once we became exclusive, he asked whether my boundaries around this had changed, and we discussed it together.
So at least from my perspective, physical intimacy was something he was anticipating.
But it never really progressed.
We kissed, cuddled and were physically affectionate, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely undressed.
Eventually we started talking about why our physical relationship wasn’t progressing.
He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to become more intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by physical intimacy and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to reduce the importance he placed on that part of relationships.
He had also stopped consuming adult content for several months before meeting me and had recently taken a break from solo sexual activity because he felt his previous habits and experiences had negatively affected his relationship with intimacy.
Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like intimacy became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether spontaneous desire would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”
I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether the desire was there, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.
He attended one therapy session to discuss the issue. Very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.
His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to become intimate with me and had tried to convince himself that the desire would develop, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that continuing to force something wasn’t fair to either of us.
What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.
Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the intimate side of the relationship work, that he’d hurt me and that he expected to regret the situation.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to find emotional vulnerability difficult generally.
I’m not trying to diagnose him with an attachment style, and I recognise that the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate physical intimacy with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to be intimate with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person whose desire changed or as the person on the receiving end?
I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment and intimacy, performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around intimacy, or desire changing as emotional closeness increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I recognise that part of my search for explanations is probably because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”

I’m a gay man (32M) and recently had a relationship end after around three months. He is 28M.
I’m struggling to understand what happened because our relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well. We became very emotionally close, but at the same time something seemed to change in the romantic chemistry between us.
When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage and kids. We became exclusive, came off the dating apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.
Initially, there also seemed to be a lot of attraction and excitement between us. He openly talked about being attracted to me and seemed excited about the relationship developing in every way.
However, as we became more emotionally attached, he seemed increasingly uncertain about one part of our romantic connection.
Eventually we discussed it.
He seemed genuinely confused by what he was experiencing. He repeatedly told me that he found me physically attractive, was emotionally attracted to me and cared about me deeply, but said there was another element of attraction that wasn’t developing naturally for him.
He also had a complicated history with relationships and had deliberately spent several months trying to change some of his previous habits because he felt they had affected the way he approached romantic relationships.
Once we started discussing the issue, everything seemed to become increasingly analytical. It felt as though he was constantly checking internally to see whether a particular feeling was present.
At one point he said he thought the attraction might “come in time.”
I suggested that instead of constantly analysing it, we could remove any expectations and simply allow the relationship to develop naturally. He initially agreed that we would give it some time.
He attended one therapy session around this period. Very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.
His explanation was essentially that he wanted the relationship to work and had hoped this missing element would develop naturally, but eventually concluded that it wasn’t happening and didn’t think it was fair to either of us to continue.
What makes the breakup difficult for me to understand is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, found me physically attractive and felt I had basically everything he wanted in a long-term partner.
He subsequently expressed a lot of sadness and shame about the situation. He felt he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t understand why this particular part of the relationship wasn’t working for him. He said he expected to regret what had happened because he knew he was losing someone he cared about.
During our relationship, he had also described himself as leaning avoidant. He’s extremely independent and achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seemed to find vulnerability difficult at times.
I’m not trying to diagnose him or convince myself that attachment explains everything. I recognise that the simplest explanation may be that an important part of our chemistry simply wasn’t right for him.
What I’m struggling with is the apparent change.
How can someone initially seem very attracted and excited about a relationship, become increasingly emotionally attached to someone, and then find that another part of the attraction seems to disappear or doesn’t develop as expected?
Has anyone experienced something similar, either as the person whose feelings changed or as the person on the receiving end?
I’m particularly interested in whether people have experienced attraction changing as emotional closeness increased, or whether repeatedly analysing and checking your feelings can itself make attraction harder to experience.
I’m very recently out of the relationship, so I recognise that I’m searching for explanations partly because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to get him back. I’m mainly trying to understand what happened without interpreting his experience as meaning there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

How do you accept losing someone you still genuinely love when the relationship wasn’t bad?
I’m about two weeks out of a three-month relationship and I’m struggling much more than I expected.
The difficult part is that I don’t have a list of horrible things my ex did that I can use to make myself stop loving him. I genuinely loved being with him. We were very compatible in a lot of ways, talked seriously about the future, and I felt incredibly close to him.
He ultimately ended the relationship because although he said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me and cared about me deeply, he wasn’t experiencing the sexual desire he felt he needed. I was willing to slow things down and work through it together, but he decided ending the relationship was the right thing for him.
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks obsessively trying to understand why — attachment styles, sexual desire, psychology, whether he’ll regret it, whether he’ll come back, etc. I’m starting to realise that researching him is probably just another way of staying attached to him.
I’m currently in his city and staying ridiculously close to where he lives, which has made the grief incredibly intense. I cried my eyes out today because all I want to do is see him.
For people who had to move on from someone they still loved and genuinely wanted to be with: how did you stop analysing the breakup and actually accept the loss?
I don’t really want predictions about whether he’ll come back. I want to learn how to reach the point where whether he comes back or not no longer determines whether I’m okay.

I’m a gay man and recently had a relationship end after around three months. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while sexually something seemed to change as we became closer.

When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.

There definitely seemed to be sexual desire initially. He told me multiple times that he couldn’t wait to have sex with me and talked openly about things he wanted us to do. At one point we almost had sex but decided against it because he had to be up extremely early for work.

I had also told him I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. He told me he struggled to orgasm with condoms. When we later became exclusive, he actually asked me whether that meant we could now have sex without one. I said yes.
So at least from my perspective, sex was something he was anticipating.

But it never actually progressed.

We kissed, cuddled and had some sexual contact, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely naked.

Eventually we started talking about why we weren’t having sex.

He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to be sexually intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by sex and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to devalue the importance of sex.

He had also stopped watching porn for several months (97 days a counter on his phone) before meeting me and had recently stopped masturbating because he felt porn/his previous sexual behaviour had affected his relationship with sex.

Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like sex became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether the spontaneous desire to have sex with me would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”

I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether he wanted sex, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.

He went for one therapy session to discuss the issue. And then very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.

His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to be intimate with me and had tried to convince himself/speak it into existence, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that forcing it wasn’t fair to either of us.

What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.

Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the sexual side work, that he’d hurt me and would regret it.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to struggle with emotional vulnerability generally.

I’m **not trying to diagnose him as dismissive-avoidant**, and I recognise the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the sexual chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate sex with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to have sex with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person who lost the desire or the person on the receiving end?

I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment/intimacy, sexual performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around sex, or desire changing as emotional intimacy increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I know I’m probably searching for explanations because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of sexual desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”

I’m a gay man and recently had a relationship end after around three months. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while sexually something seemed to change as we became closer.

When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.

There definitely seemed to be sexual desire initially. He told me multiple times that he couldn’t wait to have sex with me and talked openly about things he wanted us to do. At one point we almost had sex but decided against it because he had to be up extremely early for work.

I had also told him I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. He told me he struggled to orgasm with condoms. When we later became exclusive, he actually asked me whether that meant we could now have sex without one. I said yes.
So at least from my perspective, sex was something he was anticipating.

But it never actually progressed.

We kissed, cuddled and had some sexual contact, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely naked.

Eventually we started talking about why we weren’t having sex.

He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to be sexually intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by sex and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to devalue the importance of sex.

He had also stopped watching porn for several months (97 days a counter on his phone) before meeting me and had recently stopped masturbating because he felt porn/his previous sexual behaviour had affected his relationship with sex.

Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like sex became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether the spontaneous desire to have sex with me would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”

I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether he wanted sex, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.

He went for one therapy session to discuss the issue. And then very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.

His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to be intimate with me and had tried to convince himself/speak it into existence, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that forcing it wasn’t fair to either of us.

What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.

Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the sexual side work, that he’d hurt me and would regret it.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to struggle with emotional vulnerability generally.

I’m **not trying to diagnose him as dismissive-avoidant**, and I recognise the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the sexual chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate sex with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to have sex with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person who lost the desire or the person on the receiving end?

I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment/intimacy, sexual performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around sex, or desire changing as emotional intimacy increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I know I’m probably searching for explanations because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of sexual desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”