Cant tell real from fake because of possible toxic partner of one year. Please read [M21] partner [MtF19]
Hello everyone, this is not my go-to but I feel desperate and out of options. There is no TL:DR for this one Im afraid
This is LONG. Im sorry, but its about a years worth of events tied into a short post. If you have time, please help me. Its not ai and I typed this in my phone. Please read it all if you can
Here goes…
Partner is mtF [F19] not that it matters but for clarification.
Met online in June of last year on grindr. Hit it off well and invited her to my state in early july. (About 10 hours away from her)
I paid for tickets in early July 2025 about $200
She was wonderful, I fell in love. I asked her to move in and she did after going back home for a week. I also paid for the tickets for her to come back to my home state from her state.
We had a tumultuous relationship . There was a lot of good. She taught me a lot, I genuinely valued her in my life. We made holiday meals, I learned to sew. I also influenced her heavily. It was a textbook loving traditional relationship, so I thought. I never understood where a lot of our problems (or hers) came from.
But moving to the present day, Its now been a year and I think Ive been lied to, manipulated, and completely had my humanity disregarded, and I can’t discern whats real and whats not because of this girl. I was (20M) and she was (18MtF) when we met.
She just broke up with me for the 6th time, and decided to go on her way to be homeless because she thinks she can, prove something? Or living with me after what I found out about her was too much guilt.
I will give a little of background in a moment, but by the next day after breaking up with me for the 6th time about she already sent a voicemail with a shaky voice saying I was right all along etc etc and she may have jumped the gun.
Didn’t really make any promises of change or being better, and I think it would be better for me to be without her now but I love her and her situation (being homeless, barely any family) breaks me. Even if she chose it for herself to make some sort of messed up point.
THE STORY:::
So yes, we met online in early June 2025. We had extensive conversations, played minecraft online together. We had even started ideas of traveling across the country together in this time (which we actually did leading us to this present moment.)
She made us a hand drawn phone background off of models of pictures of our eyes. She made an animation of the two of us where one character says “I love you baby.” To the other, like a cute thing. It just progressed like this until we met with ideas of faithfulness, long term ideas, everything.
Basically what Im getting at, is we had an indirect promise of loyalty to each other, and in my eyes, knew each other well enough not to see other people.
So obviously I want to meet her in person before making anything official. She agreed, but because she lived two states away. I decided to buy greyhound tickets (was the quickest travel) I paid $200 for these at the beginning of July, and was scheduled for the last week of July.
She made we schedule it so late because she wanted to do 4th of July, and had to ask off work (a pizza shop) 3 weeks in advance. That was ok, I trusted her.
Fast forward, we fell in love. Deeply. We didn’t even hook up until a few days into her being there as we just enjoyed each others purity (so I thought) and she said yes to moving in.
When she moved in, everything turned 50/50. I room mated with my best friend/brother at the time and he said yes to her being there.
This is where I started to notice what Id call red flags that I think I ignored, and then has allowed her to lie and manipulate me for a whole year.
Heres the list:
-within the first week, she made a comment wishing my brother didn’t live there. Him and I had the place for six months already
-she would destroy the house. Generally was a slob and would throw huge counter arguments in support of it when I tried telling her other people lived there too. This went on for MONTHS with hardly any change from her
-would argue over seemingly everything, even one time stating in exclamation “I have a higher IQ than you!”
-I had already quit nicotine and wanted to quit marijuana as it drained our already tight money. She refused to not smoke near me as it was “controlling her life” and she started somehow getting vapes too, which she had never done. Knowing I was a longtime addict since I was 13
-this all happened before December of that year
-I drove her everywhere, helped her get a job, and she generally relied on me the entire time she was there
-many times she would feint suicide attempts during bad arguments, disappear from the house, and would break up with me to live at her older coworkers place
Now, heres a big one. About the 4th time she broke up with me, she would cycle from her older coworkers house around town. In about March of 2026, she showed up at the house (hadn’t had contact with her for days and was genuinely wanting to move on this time) at 1am with bruises on her neck and what looked like blood stains on her coat.
She woke my brother and he woke me, I consoled her while he called police. Her story was she was riding her back on the side of a road into town (friends house was about a mile outside town) when a truck apparently pulled up and catcalled. She tried saying she was trans and not their target, so they attacked her by pushing her off her bike. Tried chocking her and sucking on her neck. Apparently she fought them off hard enough or they didn’t think it was worth it to rape her and they left. She claimed not to be thinking and didn’t try getting any license plate info as they drove off, and she couldn’t describe any facial features besides white and middle age.
She also, oddly, did not want us to call the police. We did anyway. They got her story etc and took her coat for evidence. Although at this point, knowing this girl, my brother was convinced that she was faking it, and that the blood was actually lipstick. To be fair, it didn’t look right to me either. Although the bruises on her neck were horrific looking. She said she rode around on her bike for 40 minutes through town after in a daze. They also looked like hickeys rather than hand marks, but that aligned with her story of them sucking on her neck in the fight.
Thing is, when she showed up she had a carton of eggs, completely unsmashed after being attacked and knocked off her bike? Every store closed at 11, and she showed up at 1am? Its max a 20 minute ride from the store to home on a bike. Her story started having holes here. Im unsure whether she was returning from the grocery store, or going there. I remember her as going there, but memory is fickle. If thats the case, then her timeline doesn’t add up to me.
Not only that, she said she went to walmart, but she had a pick n save bag, and eggs. She said she rode around for 40 mins after her attack, but Im positive she said she was coming into town, not out. Not only that, she showed up at the house at 1am when every store was shut down and closed by 11pm sharp. A total of two hours after when she could’ve got eggs. Her coworkers house was maybe a 45 minute bike ride. She had shut off life360 as she had broken up with me (kinda) still showed up at the house at random times to give me food etc. it was only about a four day period of separation
This was also towards the end of winter, but with minimal snow on the ground. Cops never found tire tracks and we even went to the site where she claimed to be attacked, with her, and found no evidence.
Brother and I decided to let police handle it, although he was doing his best to get an answer as he told them repeatedly no way is that blood.
We got back together immediately after that. We let her live in the house until our lease was up (as I had to leave state early for my friends funeral) I felt terrible for her as any human should, as she also lost her job the next day after her attack as well. This resparked our relationship completely and while I was home for three months, she survived in this unknown state and started making a living for herself.
I wont lie, we still argued a lot over the phone, but things were slightly better. She had made promises that she had grown up a lot in my absence, and “realized” how awful she had actually treated someone who spent nearly $2000 on her when first meeting AND let her live with them to escape her reportedly awful life.
Fast forward to now. During my time home, I messed up bad and went on a date. It was emotional cheating. All the buildup and stress caused my integrity to fail. I had a lot of mistrust in her still, and the way she would talk to me on the phone (not answering for over 24 hours as well) really made me think she was up to no good, but it was me who wasn’t. I never had intention, but I was so confused on what my partner was and actually doing. (This has a twist at the end of the story)
Eventually I came back up to the state in early June as we had planned, albeit a month early. She found out, because she is super intelligent, and I was guilt ridden. I let her go through my phone, go through everything, I tried to hide at first but embraced that this was the universe finally punishing me for being the awful boyfriend I thought I was (and still kinda do)
She decided to stay with me.
THE CATCH:::::
Her connection with the lady she was living with fell through when I showed up because she lied to this 50 year old woman about who I was. She said we just met (been together nearly a year at this point) and as we were packing up her last things to leave this persons house for good, the lady asked me if her grandmother had actually died.
Yea I never heard of that I told her. In my mind knowing that this did not happen, and that my GF had lied to this womans face even though it was completely unnecessary, and we were literally a few items being packed to leaving anyways.
This kinda alarmed me, but I shoved it down like always. Although I did talk to her about it and she claimed I was grilling her when she was just doing what she had to, in her words, to get out of there. I was just worried about the extent of my GF being a liar, and lying about things like that was pretty extreme.
I have also caught my GF white lying when I lived with her. Things like her being taken home by coworkers she never introduced me to, and when I asked how she got home she would say she walked. (Even though I have life360 and can obviously tell she didn’t)
She wasn’t cheating with these people, just getting rides home so I couldn’t ever pursue it.
There were other tiny instances of this caught by me and even my brother, but too tiny for me to notice often really. Although she never did say much about her background, claimed she just never had much to speak about, etc.
It never made sense to me how she could be so talented and well versed in something but then you ask her about some hole in her story or last and she would go all blank and literally stonewall. Odd. It caused arguments, they never went anywhere. I tried comprising, not much ever changed.
She would tear me apart over these things too, hence the four attempted breakups and subsequent returns by her. ANYWAYS
We start living in my car, we drive across the country to the West Coast. In this time, for the first time ever, I finally decided to go through her phone.
It feels like G-d himself was trying to show me something because oh boy, it was bad.
She had paid for grindr account premium earlier that year in March (she claimed it was to see if I made one after she broke up with me because she was insecure, but she had paid for it) Good excuss, I can’t prove otherwise.
So I go through her texts while she’s sleeping, I type the word “fck” with a U in her message search bar. I find three deleted contacts all with messages, with guys she had hooked up with in the past. No big deal. Even though at the beginning of the relationship she said she had never been with anyone, which changed to only having three bodies as flings, which changed again to (I tried to but they all flaked) when I found a spotify duo playlist of her and another guy. The playlist was not that far down.
THE TWIST::::
These were awful messages, talking about all sorts of stuff. I only got through one person though, barely. As I had found out that two days before she was scheduled to take the bus with tickets I bought for her. After two months of talking calling online. With our phone backgrounds set as her drawing she made of our eye shapes together.
She had some random dude come pick her up at her family’s house and fck her terrible at his house, and there were descriptive details of what they did in text. Saying she loved how they rimmed each other etc, and I know she didn’t use protection on the guy and let him cum in her. I couldn’t go further. I was sick, I was damned. It was truly awful. This was literally two days before she was scheduled to arrive and I showed her around the beautiful state as previously described. I hadn’t been with anyone in months, I thought she was truly special. To me, this is cheating, of some of the worst degree.
I immediately woke her angry. I demanded to know. She claimed she didn’t know me at the time and since we only met on July 25th in person, in her reasoning at the time she didn’t think it mattered because we were just long distance and nothing was said in direct words that we were loyal to each other only. Even though we said the classic (I like you) statements in text long before July even came. I was just a thought at the time apparently and she lived for whatever made her feel good, in her words. She at first defended it, but I kept finding more things, and also promises of devotion in our long distance period before she did this from old text screenshots. She had cheated, and lied about it for an entire year, playing a facade of this innocent victim who never even watched porn (I had found out that was also a lie, obviously). To me, all a bunch of bull.
This reversed everything obviously, and even though we both agreed to try forgoing the past, and I agreed to stay. We still had more fights, and finally she decided that since I was so hard on her for her actions, she was just going to be homeless to prove I was wrong about her being a bad person or naive or whatever.
That leads to now. It’s been almost a week since she stormed off with few bags. I cried when she left, she didn’t and was actually cruel and mean to me the entire time.
Literally the next day sent a voice audio saying how she just didn’t like being called a burden (I didn’t even though she lives off of my doordash income and in my car) and she started doing the shaky cry voice without actually crying. All in a voice message. Wanting to get back together. I didn’t respond for awhile and she texted me again. I said we need distance, and I need to think. Leading to now.
Ive met up with my brother again who is also in the West Coast, he recounted the times she had lied, and he mentioned something. We gave the police his number, my number, and her number. They still haven’t called us about the attack. My brother was a bartender in the town, and he was tight with some police officers (very small town) he said she became a slight laughing stock in the department because the attack was obviously staged and a cry for attention. I still have issues believing that.
I have a lot going on, I feel Ive lost my ability to tell whats real and whats not anymore. I love this girl with all my heart, I want whats best for her. I dont want her to try making a life from scratch being homeless 3,500 miles away from home.
At the same time, I am miserable around her, she somehow now manages to suck the joy out of every waking moment, and it doesn’t even require her to speak. Just knowing what she’s done, how long she was able to lie to me and I believed it.
I feel cheated. I feel manipulated. She says it went both ways, I disagree. I was with someone wearing a human skin it feels like. While I think she still means good, she came from a messed up life and its just who she is. I can’t feel like I can trust any word of her again since the person Ive known for a year was all just a big lie.
I think I covered most of the big things. If there are any questions please ask. Ive been typing for a while and Im still exhausted reliving all my memories. Trying to not be depressed.
Someone please help a brother out and help me learn if I am the crazy constantly angry parent who constantly grills the ones they love that she made me out to be, or not.
Please also tell me if its a good idea to stay in contact with her in case an emergency happens. I will try to not fall victim to her lies and manipulation, and I dont see myself being able to be happy with her, especially because she made no promises of change or even hinted at it in her voice message.
I just dont think she’s a bad person, and it would kill me if something happened to her on the street.
I may be traumatized from this all truly, I haven’t had a good life either with lacking parents. Im doing better than ever in my life technically, but its still rough.
If she gets back with me, that means she’ll live in my car again. A lot of her stuff is here but she said she didn’t care and that it was all mine now. (because she couldn’t carry it while walking the city) if she lives in the car, I can almost guarantee life will go back to being awful. While it’s really painful not having someone Im so used to constantly being around, I have felt genuinely at some sort of peace, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I also feel like I don’t deserve to feel good after this because of what Ive done. Even though my brother says nothing Ive done even comes close to the scale of what she’s done. I wanted a life with her, but now knowing what she’s done, I don’t think I could ever get past it without her giving in completely. (She has never admitted her attack was fake and I have no idea what else she is hiding).
Peace y’all, sorry for the long one. A man is desperate to do the right thing.
Edit: to add, it wasn’t all bad. Though that is the excuse I hear a lot from toxic relationships. This person did value me. They did change a lot and have pushed me to things I never had the bravery to do. They come from an awful background and at this age its hard to just shake that off.
I stayed with her because we both wanted a life together, I thought. I can’t explain the constant want for her in my life. I dont really feel attracted to other people. I can’t let her live in my car with me again for sure, but I had my own share of bad in this relationship too. In that year we spent together we grew to love one another, I want someone to spend a life with. Not someone that is trying to fill this persons shoes. I dont understand it. Knowing the effect of her on me, I still feel like we can rebuild on our happiness and care for one another. This post is to hopefully convince me not. I haven’t had a situation like this before, and it could be my own past making me stay even it might not be good for me. Its just that chance for good, if it worked, would make us an unstoppable duo. I missed when it felt like that. She also funded our entire cross country trip, but it feels like more out of guilt for brutally cheating on me when I spent nearly $2000 at the beginning of the relationship.