u/Smitty8786

recently found out that my partner of 12+years has been cheating on me through a hookup/cruising app, and I honestly don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.
This wasn’t one drunken mistake or one random hookup. I discovered that he had been using the app to find multiple casual/anonymous sexual encounters over an extended period of time with over 12+ folks. Seeing the conversations and realizing this was something happening repeatedly while we were living our normal life together has completely changed how I look at our relationship.

We’ve built a home together, intertwined our lives, traveled together, dealt with family, careers, finances and all the normal responsibilities that come with spending years with someone. I always thought that whatever issues we had, there was at least a foundation of loyalty and trust underneath everything. Now I’m questioning how much of the relationship I actually understood
.
He says these encounters were quick, impersonal and purely sexual, with no feelings involved. He says he loves me, wants our relationship, is going to therapy and wants to do whatever it takes to fix this. But I don’t know if hearing that they “meant nothing” actually makes me feel better.

Sometimes I think it makes it worse. If these people meant nothing, why repeatedly risk everything we’ve built for them?

The strangest part is that I’m not constantly crying or even angry anymore. I mostly feel numb.

One minute I think 12+years deserves an attempt at rebuilding. The next minute I think, How am I ever supposed to trust him again? Especially knowing how easy it is to download an app, open it while traveling or when I’m not around, find someone nearby, have an encounter and then return to normal life as if nothing happened.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my relationship checking a phone, wondering whether an app has been downloaded again, questioning where he is, or becoming a detective just to feel secure.

There’s also an embarrassing part that I’m struggling with. Friends and family looked at our relationship as one of the relationships that actually worked. I know their opinions shouldn’t determine my decision, but thinking about eventually having to explain what happened makes everything feel even heavier.

I haven’t decided whether I’m staying or leaving. I’m doing individual therapy and trying not to make a permanent decision while everything is still this fresh. Right now, it feels like I’m grieving the relationship I thought I had while simultaneously trying to determine whether the relationship that’s actually left is something I even want
.
For anyone who discovered a long-term partner was repeatedly using hookup apps and meeting people: Did the numbness eventually turn into clarity? How did you determine whether you genuinely wanted to rebuild versus staying because of the history, home, comfort and fear of starting over?
And if you stayed, did you ever truly trust them again without constantly wondering whether they were back on the app?

recently found out that my partner of 12+years has been cheating on me through a hookup/cruising app, and I honestly don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.
This wasn’t one drunken mistake or one random hookup. I discovered that he had been using the app to find multiple casual/anonymous sexual encounters over an extended period of time with over 12+ folks. Seeing the conversations and realizing this was something happening repeatedly while we were living our normal life together has completely changed how I look at our relationship.

We’ve built a home together, intertwined our lives, traveled together, dealt with family, careers, finances and all the normal responsibilities that come with spending years with someone. I always thought that whatever issues we had, there was at least a foundation of loyalty and trust underneath everything. Now I’m questioning how much of the relationship I actually understood
.
He says these encounters were quick, impersonal and purely sexual, with no feelings involved. He says he loves me, wants our relationship, is going to therapy and wants to do whatever it takes to fix this. But I don’t know if hearing that they “meant nothing” actually makes me feel better.

Sometimes I think it makes it worse. If these people meant nothing, why repeatedly risk everything we’ve built for them?

The strangest part is that I’m not constantly crying or even angry anymore. I mostly feel numb.

One minute I think 12+years deserves an attempt at rebuilding. The next minute I think, How am I ever supposed to trust him again? Especially knowing how easy it is to download an app, open it while traveling or when I’m not around, find someone nearby, have an encounter and then return to normal life as if nothing happened.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my relationship checking a phone, wondering whether an app has been downloaded again, questioning where he is, or becoming a detective just to feel secure.

There’s also an embarrassing part that I’m struggling with. Friends and family looked at our relationship as one of the relationships that actually worked. I know their opinions shouldn’t determine my decision, but thinking about eventually having to explain what happened makes everything feel even heavier.

I haven’t decided whether I’m staying or leaving. I’m doing individual therapy and trying not to make a permanent decision while everything is still this fresh. Right now, it feels like I’m grieving the relationship I thought I had while simultaneously trying to determine whether the relationship that’s actually left is something I even want
.
For anyone who discovered a long-term partner was repeatedly using hookup apps and meeting people: Did the numbness eventually turn into clarity? How did you determine whether you genuinely wanted to rebuild versus staying because of the history, home, comfort and fear of starting over?
And if you stayed, did you ever truly trust them again without constantly wondering whether they were back on the app?

Hey Yall,

Feel like I am In a twilight zone typing this found partners long term sniffies profile and Idk guess I should not be mad given we haven’t had intimacy in a while but also sad I stayed this long and put soooooo much effort in them and what we built. So now comes the hard part which is when to have the conversation and confront him, soooo many emotions and financial interdependencies given we both invested in a home that I have slaved over the years to make a home. So unsure where this will take us but 14+ years down the drain and I am just sitting here asking the question as to why????? Why not break up with me in the first place and move on. Unsure if I believe gays can be in a committed relationship.