I'm tired of living with this sicness
I'm tired of living my live like this. I'm tired of missing the someone I used to love to be.
I'm tired of simply living with this sickness. I know than I'm wrong but I just retrospected my bipolar life and get emotional.
My doc just changed my meds. Inside and I'm more vulnerable about... Everything. I laugh honestly, feeling good feelings but bad also hits me harder. It's so strange after half a year beeing... Hollow inside. It's good feeling but also bad. Last week I was crying first time from... Years.
I'm seen as succesfull and handling with this very well. I got a high pay job, own a flat, and looks like "I'm not sick at all". Also my psychiatrist told me that my high IQ only make all the things worse because I can logically explain all of my actions. Depression is just "beeing tired" manic is "having busy weeks at the work", "party because I just can".
I'm perfectionist with hiding all my symptoms, when people are around I smile, be social and so on. When I'm with myself I just tired of hiding that I'm not severe sick, and cannot think that all that I do is to prevent having next episode.
Take meds, don't do anything stupid, eat properly, drink water... Exercise but not too much. Absolutelly dont tell anyone that You falling apart. Even when I want to I cannot talk to anyone about it because I just... Don't know how to do this because when I was younger nobody wants event listen to me. I don't know how to be vulnerable around people because in my home it was forbidden. Only negative emotions you can show is anger and rage.
Inside I fall apart especially from my last manic episode that was caused by taking a methylophenidate because the doc suspect that I can have an ADHD with my autism (suprise... I'm don't).
Today I cannot stop wonder how my live would be if I'm not bipolar. Last week I absolutelly fall apart during driving home through whole country I was crying like 2 hours because I was tired of hiding behind a smile almost 3 weeks straight.
TW: former alcohol addiction, attempt to suicide, domestic violence.
I realize that mostly anything I doing right now is preventing the outcomes of my episodes or the consequences of living +10 years undiagnosed with BP1 and autism. I do all I can do to not be a burden and not k\*\* myself. 6 years ago I'd saved very closed person to me after she try to do this. I'm very determinanted to do anything that nobody feel like I felt that moment.
I had around 3 severe manic episodes (last one made me diagnosed because it almost ki\*\* me). I was at the psychiatrist only because I did not sleep around two weeks and almost k\*\* myself at the psychotic episode. (This was second manic episode that I did that, former psychiatrist not diagnosed me well and ignored the psychosis and I stopped going there after rush of anger). Nobody noticed BTW.
Every episode give me holes in my brain due to the manic and excessive drinking that I did in my mania and after depression to run away from myself. I stopped drinking. My life is totally better when I did. O stopped running away and face myself. It hurts sometimes (this post is the prove). But it's worth.
I'm afraid that whole my life gonna look like this. I got a new meds and with them my live is better and make my depressive episode not so severe. Not making me hollow inside.
Beeing medicated helps very much not only me but my mother also.
When she is medicated she apologize about all the domestic violence that she'd done to me and my siblings. The rage and pain that she caused to us. To me for psychical violence untill I was to strong to hit her back. To my siblings for rage outbursts that made us live an constant fear. When I was older I started to do the same. Everybody im the house feared when I was angry. I fortunatelly stopped this after I realized that I do excacly the same as she is doing to me.
She's not the monster. She never was. We knew that she love us and she try to show this in many ways, but her emotions are just taking control over her.
We try to repair our relationship, and it's working. We just realized that she is just the part od the circle od violence in the family. She was the domestic violence victim too. She just didn't know how to not be angry and violent when she was fall apart. She's now the first person that is breaking the cycle. After her kids are adult persons, but it's not too late. We are glad that she is happy and have control, and we still have all the parts od her that we loved as kids.
Sometimes I still think that my reticince anger and internal suffering are only things that I have. That I'm congregations od flaws. I just tired of all of this and reflection of my past self is not kind to me. I see myself in the prism of me not beeing bipolar, happy loving determined, motivated, remember everyhting. The prism od the worst states of beeing me. Angry, drunk, miserable...suicidal, psychotic.
In the end of the day I know that I'm wrong. That there are people who loves all of me bipolar or not. That I love them. That my live even sometimes painfull od worth living. I still want to live even more than anytime before. Because I have a lot od reasons to do this. I have so much things to enjoy and it keeps me going. Despite all of negative emotions within me. Because I finally feel something not so extreme and overwhelming... And I'm not hollow. Maybe this is normality?
Maybe sometimes I also learn how to talk about my internal pain. Maybe this is first step?