Advice on Guilt from Leaving a Relationship 23F & 43M
I (23F) have been in an age-gap relationship with my boyfriend (43M) for the last 4 years. We have been in quite the limbo for the last 6-8 months. There has been a continuous cycle of arguments. At one point not too long ago he had told me to “get the fuck out of his house.” I am financially dependent on him, so this was really difficult for me. I stayed with a friend for a week before we finally sat down to talk. We said we needed to go to couples counseling, and I personally think we would both benefit from our own therapy.
Since then we have not gone to therapy together, so about 2-3 months later. I have had a lot of doubts in the past. Namely due to the way I feel im treated in our relationship and especially regarding our dynamic (the obvious age-gap & we initiated our relationship as a Dom/sub dynamic). I constantly feel like he infantilizes me and talks down to me. He feels that I don’t understand the stress he has from his career. Im sure that’s true to some extent, but he also has no coping mechanisms for said stress so I find I take the brunt of his frustrations.
The past few months I can’t stop thinking about a life I want. Maybe I would be married and have kids if I weren’t with him, or maybe this relationship is preventing me from that. I get excited thinking about how much more freedom and happiness I’d have if I weren’t with him. Thinking about it just feels so relieving, but so so scary too. Given that I have been financially dependent on him I feel very uneasy about leaving.
He’s not a terrible person, but we are not meant to be. He has bought many things for me that I’ve needed. Paid for my first semester back in college. Bought a gaming setup for me. Provided a home and food security. Generally I find that he has provided a lot of positive improvements in my life, but im no longer happy. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. He is so cynical about people/life and gets angry about the smallest things. I just can’t imagine continuing my life with somebody so negative. I want to ENJOY my life.
That being said, I still feel terrible guilt about leaving him. Even though I feel extremely depressed, I keep thinking about how he would deal with it. We have so many things we’ve shared together over the years. I find myself sad that he is older and won’t be able to easily find another partner like I can, but then I rationalize im not sure that’s what he even wants. I feel guilty because he’s spent so much money on me over the years.
I guess I mostly want some advice on how to not feel so bad and guilty about leaving this relationship, and also any advice on overcoming the challenges of becoming independent? I was never independent before I met him as I moved out from my parent’s house to live with him, so this makes it exceptionally frightening. I do not live in a cheap city and I do not have a lot of connections aside from the one friend who I believe would give me a place to stay to get back on my feet and/or become a roommate.