u/Bd1719

My wife of 9 years told me a little over 2 weeks ago that she had an attorney and filed for divorce. I met with an attorney myself a week later to answer some questions and found out she hadn’t actually filed for anything yet. When I told her I met with an attorney her entire demeanor changed to “have fun with your attorney and your sad miserable lonely life without me” and immediately took me seeking council as wanting to take things to court. After thinking about it I was no longer sure she even had an attorney, and after talking to mine I decided to go ahead and file myself instead of playing this game with her. She kept escalating the way she was handling conversations, and I asked for her attorneys info a couple times so that I could have mine send the papers directly to hers but she wouldn’t give it to me. So I decided to just file it and have them sent through the mail. She told me a few days ago that she was meeting with her attorney again (today) to make changes and sign everything. Meaning she could actually be filing or not who knows.

The part of me that still cares for the person under all of her pain wants to be a decent human being and let her know that I filed, because I feel like it’s better to hear it from me than receive paperwork but possibly to save her some money and the trouble of filing also.

The thing is I don’t see any way that me telling her I filed goes well. Especially if she plans on actually filing today. Do I text her and tell her I did?

I’ve posted on here a lot. It’s helped quite a bit. And it honestly gave me hope for getting through a divorce from my wife of 9 years. She filed over a week ago. Or so I thought.

I met with an attorney yesterday who looked at the public records and said there was no record that she had filed. I told her other things that my wife had said like “my attorney and I agreed the best thing for both of us is to go ‘no contest’.” My attorney said nobody she knows refers to it that way because it’s either you don’t go to court (uncontested) or you do. I told her what my wife said she paid for filing. And she said it sounded like bs too. So on top of not having filed yet, I don’t even know if she ever even had an attorney.

I texted her after and said “I met with an attorney today just to get an idea of where I was at and so I could make educated decisions” and asked for her attorneys name and number. She refused to give it and lashed out hard. The script completely flipped from I guess I’ll be telling my attorney we’re going to court since you want to fight this to “I’m done being married to you if you want to go and get an attorney. Have fun with your lawyer and I hope you enjoy your sad miserable life alone”

I didn’t want the divorce. But she filed, I accepted it, didn’t chase or beg or plead. I was calm and controlled and she spiraled. She got mean. She verbally berated and attacked my character. And now I find out she probably never filed for divorce and it was all some kind of plan for her. And
I’m left with the decision of whether to file myself or not. After everything she’s said and done, especially since saying she filed, I want to more than anything

The worst part is I don’t even know where she expected this to go, or how long it would’ve taken before the truth came out

Looking for all of the ways everyone gets through your ex pwBPD being with other people.

My wife (9 yrs) recently filed for divorce. Like most borderlines, she’s already moving on to being with other people. Our first separation she had cheated on me with one guy prior until she found out he wasn’t who he said he was. Then second separation she already had someone set up ready to go, and had a relationship with him until she found out he wasn’t who he said he was. So this isn’t the first time I’ve been through it.

But this time feels harder to get through. I’ve never like thinking about her being with other men. Any advice on getting through this rough patch?

I’m wondering if anyone’s else’s experience has been the same.

One of the hardest things about my relationship with my wife is that any time she splits on me, and leaves (or plans to) she has a dozen people in her corner telling her she’s doing the right thing, how I’m a terrible person and she should’ve left years ago. So it further enforces what she’s feeling and makes it even harder to get through things.

And it’s because everyone close enough to her for her to run to when things get hard, are hand-fed a distorted image of a person who really doesn’t exist. They only get told what she wants them to think of me. And what she’s feeling in that moment. So most of her support system hates me also, and they’re constantly encouraging her splitting. While I can only really tell those closest to me what’s really going on, and she wouldn’t believe them if they tried.

It leaves you constantly fighting a losing battle, unable to get ahead and it’s the worst

I have felt the same thing three different times now. It’s a feeling of leaving things left unsaid. It’s an anxious feeling that honestly sucks as much as the leaving itself. “Could I have done things differently” “is there something I can say to stop it from happening” “should I tell her how I feel about her or how all of this makes me feel as a person”

I usually sit with these feelings and thoughts for days if not weeks trying to find the perfect thing to say when it’s over. When she’s asked for a separation or this time…divorce.

Almost all of me knows there’s nothing I can say or do to stop it nor to change how she sees me and feels towards me in a split. But I still feel like if I can just have one sit down adult conversation it would make me feel better about it all, and allow me to move forward easier knowing there was nothing left unsaid between us. This time I’m having a really hard time deciding if it’s worth even trying to say my piece.

Idk maybe I’m alone in that regard. But I’m curious if anyone has had similar experiences or wants to share things they said in basically your last conversation with them before goodbye.

My pwBPD (32F) and I (33M) have been married for almost 10 years, and she recently filed for divorce. As far as splitting goes this is as bad as it’s ever been. She used to talk about splitting and she’d say that when she fully splits, it’s like the person ceases to exist for her. And she’s said that’s what’s happened between her and I now. I don’t know how much I believe that

After 13 years together, two kids, and three different separations, this divorce has hit the hardest. Mostly because I know her reality she’s based it on is completely different from mine. And it feels unfair to everyone.

Anyone that has been through a divorce (that the pwBPD filed)..how did it play out? Was that the final cycle or was there more after the divorce?

I’m new here, but by no means new to the struggles that come from a relationship with a borderline.

I know most of us have probably had our share of separations from our borderline partner, but for those of you who have experienced divorce, how did it play out? How do you get through it? What did you do that worked/didnt?

Separations were always the end of the cycle. Things are good, until there’s a reason to self sabotage and push me away and then separation comes and then they she asks me to come back and the cycle starts over. But this time is different because instead of separation, she filed for divorce. One of the hardest things and one of the things most people could never understand is the feeling of knowing you’ve done nothing wrong. And that the divorce is shaped by a reality that exists to her but one that’s entirely different from yours. Just three months ago she told me she was done with the back and forth and wanted to finally do things right. We’ve been married for 9 years and we talked about renewing our vows for our 10th. She started wearing her ring again and talked about our future. This all came after two separations and a lot of ups and downs over the previous few years.

And in those last three months it got out of hand and went downhill fast as she started creating more and more things that I supposedly did, forgot entire conversations that we had that would justify things I did and then got upset with me over them. I’d watch her do something and then 10 minutes later get mad at me for doing it. We talked one day about me taking the kids to their grandparents the day before Easter, and then when I did it (we left before she got up that morning) that it exploded into “why would you take them from me on Easter weekend, you’re such an abusive person” and when I said we talked about it and you okayed it she said I was lying and gaslighting her which were her usually go to’s. And she said several times this for her was the “final straw” and what made her sure she wanted a divorce. But it got worse as were struggling financially and instead of cutting costs like I was trying to do she wanted me to make more to cover her excess spending (not how she phrased it but the impulse spending was a real problem). Then she started to do a self audit of her accounts and noticed many times I had used her card to pay for things like groceries or kids things (with her consent) and she framed it as me stealing from her and she had no recollection of any conversations where she told me I could use it. So all of that combined lead to the divorce. And she’s said every mean thing she possibly can and called me every name known to man, but what hit the hardest was “I’m stopping our toxic cycles here because I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for years and I never will again”.