[31M] Why Do My Married Friend [31F] and I Keep Crossing Boundaries
Hey Reddit. Before I get into this, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not here to be judged. If you’re just going to leave a hateful comment, save your energy because I probably won’t read it. I’d genuinely appreciate any constructive perspective from people who’ve experienced something similar or who can help me understand what kind of relationship this actually is.
For some background, I’m a 31-year-old guy living in California. I work in project management for a large company. I’m looking for objective perspective on a complicated situation involving a longtime friend (31F). We used to work together years ago, but we don’t anymore.
Even back then, she was already married. We developed a very intense connection and crossed some boundaries physically. We never had sex or anything like that, but we became very emotionally and physically close, and at the time I used to touch her breasts occasionally. She also complained a lot about her husband, even back then.
At one point we completely stopped talking. It was a hard break, but eventually we found our way back into each other’s lives.
This dynamic has now been going on for about 3 years. At its core, I genuinely think there is a real friendship between us. We help each other out, talk about normal life stuff, and support each other. But there’s also this intimate side to the relationship that never fully goes away.
I’ll admit I’m usually the one who initiates the physical side of things. Sometimes I hesitate because I feel like I’m always the one reaching out, and she’s incredibly busy most of the time. But eventually she always comes back around, calls me, or suggests we meet up for lunch or dinner whenever her schedule allows it.
Over the past three years, she’s also seen me go through different relationships. I’ve had two girlfriends during that time, and the most recent one is now my wife and currently pregnant. Sometimes our lives even overlap in surprisingly normal ways. There have been occasions where we’ve gone out to dinner as couples, with our partners there, while this whole underlying dynamic between us still existed quietly in the background.
We’re definitely not a couple, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes catch myself checking my phone hoping she texted me.
She’s still married to the same guy and they have two boys together. From what she tells me, her daily life is exhausting. She often tells me her mental load at home is extremely heavy and that she feels overwhelmed by the constant responsibilities, household chores, and pressure of managing everything. She still complains about her husband pretty regularly, but at the same time she says separation would be way too complicated and disruptive.
If I’m being fully honest, I probably also have some attraction to emotionally neglected married women, so I know that plays into how I feel about this situation too.
Recently, things crossed the line again. About a week before she left for a trip, we were sitting in my car talking, and the physical tension came back. I ended up touching her breasts and upper body over her clothes. We still didn’t have sex, but it had been months since anything physical had happened between us.
The strangest part is that afterward we both acted like nothing happened. She never talks about it directly. She never brings it up afterward. But somehow the same pattern keeps repeating itself anyway.
Right now she’s traveling around Europe with her sister and their kids visiting family, while I’m back home in California. The 9-hour time difference has probably made me overthink this whole situation even more.
To be completely honest, part of me doesn’t see what we’re doing as deeply immoral because of how unhappy she seems in her marriage. At the same time, I know that if my wife ever found out about any of this, it would seriously damage my marriage. Despite all of this, I genuinely do consider myself a good husband. I take care of my wife, and I love her.
Neither of us actually seems interested in leaving our spouses. Her husband has no idea, and my wife doesn’t either.
What confuses me most is that this connection has lasted for years without either of us fully walking away from it, but also without either of us openly defining it.
Part of me honestly wants the relationship to become emotionally deeper, even if neither of us is realistically planning to leave our spouse. I’m not even sure what that would look like long term, which is part of why I’m posting here.
How do relationships like this usually evolve when two people are clearly attached to each other but keep the relationship in this undefined space?
And why would someone repeatedly allow emotional and physical intimacy while still avoiding direct conversations about what the relationship actually means?
I know some people reading this will probably judge me harshly. Maybe I’m underestimating the damage this kind of situation can cause. But I’m asking sincerely and hoping for honest answers rather than just insults.