r/adultery

4.5 years ago I (36F) was in a miserable marriage in a big, glamorous city. I made a post on a sugar daddy website saying my husband was out of town for 10 days and I wanted to live a full-blown fantasy. Many men replied, but there was no contest, it was "Joe" (56M).

When we met in-person, from the first moment we locked eyes... I've never experienced a "love at first sight" with anyone before or since.

Our erotic connection is off-the-charts, and so is our mental, emotional and spiritual connection. We just hit it off in every possible way from the very beginning, and the connection has only grown stronger...

At that time, Joe was separated from his wife of 30 years.

Somehow, through our conversations about our spouses and families, he decided to go back to his wife.

I said I supported him, but I also said: What if you could have it all? Go back to her, and we'll keep seeing each other a few times a month...

And that's how it played out for 2 years.

Then my miserable marriage finally ended and I moved out of state.

Somehow, the affair didn't end. Joe stayed closely important to me even through the distance. Then we started seeing each other again, though much less frequently.

For the last 2.5 years, we've only seen each other once every few months. But the connection is stronger than ever. I tried to end it - twice - and he's fought to keep me in his life. He even had what he called a "near destruction event" with his wife earlier this year, and he took space away from me, but returned confessing he can't detach from me.

From what I've ascertained, theirs was never a very loving marriage, but not miserable either, just flat, stable, probably boring but reliable. He's attached to his identity as the successful businessman with wife and (now fully grown) kids, the weekend familyman with the big house that hosts extended family gatherings, and she's not only his oldest friend but also his rock for that identity.

Meanwhile, I've been dating, but no one I meet matches the connection I feel with Joe, and I just feel like, what's the point?

In 2 weeks I will see Joe again for the first time in months.

We've never talked about changing our arrangement. Never. In fact, the opposite: I've been like an "ally" supporting that he keeps his family together. But things have changed for me. I feel that I do want to be with him in a real way, and I can't keep going like this.

Maybe this is the only way to end the affair, because I think the chances are 95% likely he'll tell me, "I'll never leave my wife," (he's said those words before.)

Maybe I'm just venting, or writing to organize my thoughts... Please share comments, advice, suggestions, reality-checks... what would you do if you were me?

I had to end it because communication was becoming non-existant. It was hurtful at this point and I didn’t want to keep feeling like a fool due to the fact that I was becoming less and less important to him.

It mattered to me, he really mattered to me.

So how do you deal with heartbreak for someone that is not yours?

I know I definitely can in my marriage.

I once heard a story...

About a man who broke a window in a woman’s house. He apologised.

So she forgave him.

And he assumed that meant the window wasn’t broken anymore.

But every night...

Cold air came through the crack. Rain found its way inside.

She could still feel the damage, even when nobody else could see it.

So eventually she said...

“We need to fix the window.”

And he looked confused.

“But I already said sorry.”

She tried to explain...

“I know. But saying sorry didn’t replace the glass.”

And somehow, he became frustrated with her.

“Why are we still talking about this?”

“Why can’t things just go back to normal?”

“I thought you forgave me.”

And slowly, the broken window became less important than her reaction to being cold.

So she started pretending she wasn’t.

She stopped mentioning the draught.

Cleaned up the rain herself.

Put another blanket around her shoulders and called it forgiveness.

Until one day...

She realised something.

He didn’t actually want forgiveness.

He wanted access to the house without having to repair what he damaged inside it.

And sometimes this is what happens in relationships...

Someone hurts you, then becomes uncomfortable when the hurt changes you.

They want the old closeness.

The old trust.

The old version of you.

Without doing the work that would make those things feel safe again...

But trust doesn’t return because someone says...

“Can’t we just move on?”

Forgiveness isn’t repair.

An apology isn’t changed behavior.

And accountability isn’t saying sorry, it’s caring enough about the damage to help rebuild what was broken.

Because you can forgive someone and still notice the window is broken.

You can love someone and still need them to repair what they damaged...

And sometimes...

The reason things can’t “go back to normal” is because normal was where you kept getting hurt.

I’m not foolish enough to believe that an AP is always faithful. But, what are the signs that he or she is two-timing you? Not being disappointed if they can’t see you? Long stretches between texts? How does a cheater spot a cheater?

Shall I skip the long woeful tale I have to justify what I want to do? It is what it is and I don't feel bad about it. I'm a lot of fun and would love to share myself with someone who will enjoy it. I guess my biggest fear now is falling in love. Is that a thing people are able to shut off? Is it common for people to leave their spouses for each other? I just recently came out of a deep depression and realized i have free will. this is new for me.

;

I’m 29F, married. He’s 57M and in a long term relationship. Before anyone says it, yes, I know what I got myself into. I know affairs aren’t supposed to come with happily ever afters... I knew the risks. I knew there would be complications. I knew there were lines we probably shouldn’t cross. I didn’t know how badly it was going to hurt when it ended. I always knew there was an expiration date.

We met an awhile back and there was an instant attraction that never really went away. For a long time it was just that… attraction, chemistry, flirting, wondering, fantasizing.. Then eventually we crossed that line. And once we did…

I fell in love with him. There. I said it.

I didn't plan to. I didn't go into this looking for anything other than to fill what I was missing in my marriage. I wasn't trying to blow up either of our lives. In my head, I could compartmentalize it. We could be adults, keep our home lives first, be careful, see each other when we could and enjoy something that filled a part of both of us that was missing. But unfortunately, my emotions didn’t give a shit about the rules.

We became attached. We talked constantly. We missed each other. We checked in on each other throughout the day. There were times when I felt like we were somehow connected even when we weren't together. I wanted to know how his day was, what he was doing, what was on his mind. I wanted to be the person he could come to when life was hard. And he did. I wanted to be beside him through the things he was struggling with.

He made me feel wanted in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time.

We tried to put some structure around it. We talked about boundaries. About keeping our home lives first. About being honest about what we needed. About not being reckless. About quality over quantity because we both knew how easily something like this could blow up our lives.

I didn't need him to leave his relationship for me. I wasn't asking him to choose me over his life. That never came up. Honestly, what I wanted seemed so small. Time. To actually be together sometimes. Not rushed. Not squeezed into thirty minutes somewhere. To have an afternoon. A day. To be able to breathe around each other and just exist together.

And eventually, we had our first overnight.
That was the moment everything changed for me.
Because it wasn't just sex. It was waking up next to someone I had become deeply emotionally attached to. It was the intimacy of having that much uninterrupted time together.

Then I got dumped the morning after. Still in bed.
After everything. After the words. After the emotional connection. After a wonderful evening! Laughing and kissing, showing each other off in public. After finally having the first overnight together… He decided he couldn't continue. There wasn't some huge betrayal or explosive fight. He essentially decided that living a double life was too much and too risky.

I'm struggling to explain what that has done to me because, logically, I understand it. I told him I did. I respected his decision and kept my composure. No crying, no pleading, just understanding. I am so proud of myself for that. He cried and I comforted him. All I could think while rubbing his head and back was will this be the last time? Is this really happening?

I got into my car and left. I couldn’t look at him while I was leaving. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I wanted to be strong. I denied the final hug and kiss goodbye. Walking down the hotel hall… broken… just hours earlier we were laughing and tipsy coming down this hall. All of it was over.

I feel like he broke my heart. I'm devastated. I'm angry. He participated in this. He told me he loved me. He let me fall deeper. He let me believe that what we had mattered to him. He gave me reasons to believe this wasn't just some temporary fantasy.

Then he walked away. Threw in the towel.

I don't hate him. That's almost the worst part.
I still love him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss being wanted by him. I miss the check ins.. oh god, the good morning texts.. I miss knowing what was happening in his world. I miss the way he made me feel when we were together. I'm mourning something that technically wasn't supposed to exist in the first place.
That's such a strange kind of grief.

How do you explain being heartbroken over someone you're not supposed to be heartbroken over?

How do you mourn a relationship that was never supposed to have a future?

I feel embarrassed and pathetic. I’m 29. I should know better. I knew better. I knew exactly what this was.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this.
Maybe validation that I'm not crazy for feeling this much? Maybe someone who's been here to tell me that eventually the pit in my stomach goes away? Maybe someone who has had an affair that turned into genuine love and can tell me what happened afterward.
Did you go completely no contact? Did you eventually stop loving them? Did they come back? Did you regret letting them go?

I know what the obvious Reddit responses will be. You knew the risks. He’s not your husband. You’re both cheaters. What did you expect? I know, I know….
Whatever you call it with your AP.. an affair, relationship, mistake, fantasy, escape, love…. I loved him.

Right now, I'm grieving him like I lost someone who was a huge part of my life. And if any of you can relate to this suffering, I am so terribly sorry. A long bubble bath and a bottle of wine is just what I need to get through tonight. I am absolutely wrecked.

Hello! I'm a MM who's been in an ongoing affair with a MW for roughly a year and a half. The "L" word is mentioned daily between us and it's about as serious as it can be. Recently, my AP was discovered by her husband. Hit me hard, as I was worried about a possible end date in sight with her, as I really do love her. Well, not even 24 hours after being discovered, she's back speaking to me and wants me more than ever. It's as if being discovered brought clarity, that she wants me more than before. Just wondering if anyone else has encountered this. With how her SO responded and now that everything is in the open..... She's made it clear she only wants me. Not trying to brag but my AP is the best.

Just sharing my recent story and wondering if anyone else has encountered the same scenario! Carry on.

After nearly 6 years and numerous breaks in that time, some of which lasted months of no contact, the end is finally here. She is single and I am a MM. We met during COVID and we hit it off strong.

After almost a year of slow burn and tension we finally made it physical and it was the best I'd ever had. That is a big part of why it's been so hard to walk away from.

I ended up deciding to end my marriage after realizing how much was missing from my marriage after connecting with her. I've been working through my exit strategy for too long. The process has been brutal with serval times me pausing the process because of the pain it was causing my kids.

I really thought she and I could make and become legit. She has mostly put her life on hold waiting for me. I never asked her to but that was how it happened. She only went on a few dates with a few guys during the 6 years. As I am getting closer to moving out, she has hit the point of not being able to wait. She still doubts that I'll leave because I have pulled back from doing so perviously.

Ultimately she's ready to have a companion in daily life and even once I move out, it will still be awhile until things are finalized for me. She's been miserable doing holidays and special events alone for this entire time. I completely understand she is ready for a full relationship with someone who can fully commit.

We are still communicating but today she is going on a date. She's always been big to say if she was going to dinner with someone that didn't mean it was a date but she has consistently used that word since telling me it was happening.

She reminds me that she has watched me for years do things with my spouse while she was alone. She's not wrong but ultimately the imbalance of single vs married AP is the reason it is ending.

I honestly know deep down she's not the right person for me post divorce. While.so much of us was good, the few red flags are bright enough that I should have stayed away during the previous breaks but the end of that connection and the thoughts of a real future are closing. It's a bit hard to stomach at the moment but it's time to pick up and figure out what life looks like in my future.

Sometimes, I wonder if why I have an AP is down to having ADHD. I wonder if monogamy is just impossible for ADHD brains? Is cheating inevitable?

The dopamine, novelty, and sensory seeking nature of ADHD will always make having an affair feel like an inevitable road.

I'm not trying to excuse or fully blame my ADHD, just pondering whether there is an element of inevitability that for some us in very long term relationships and living with ADHD will find almost impossible to not end up in an affair.

AP is a phenomenal person whom I really had a great time with since the beginning of this year. We have become super close almost like a new best friend. Physically attracted to this person , this person is smart and funny truly an amazing person. I like many things about AP and maybe in another time we could have been together but I feel like I need to pump the breaks a bit.

AP has been talking about breaking up their marriage and moving out solo with their child but that’s not a direction I want. I can’t be the reason for ending a family. On top of all this I have my partner which I do want to continue with.

I put myself in this position because my partner and I were having some difficulties that I was not understanding or comprehending at the time. I have since educated myself on the issues and have come to terms that maybe things are not how I was imagining them at the time.

I knew AP and was very much captivated by this person for a while. One thing led to another and “boom” suddenly were was at it. Didn’t mean for things to escalate but they did. And I enjoyed our encounters probably the best in my life.

Lately I have been second-guessing what has been happening. I would like to stop this before the point of no return. How can I do this without crushing AP? I won’t ghost this person or block them cause that’s not an option for me. I don’t want to hurt AP but I feel like it’s becoming something that should not be.

Update: to the person who sent me messages I can assure you I am not your AP. I can assure you I was not talking about you. I don’t even know you. You said you notified his partner already, you just ruined someone’s relationship by doing that. You should of asked me first and I would have clarified. I am not that other person. I can assure anyone on here the people I am talking about do not even know what Reddit is. I have never had an affair with anyone on social media, all mine are local and in person.

Recap - AP of 9 years ghosted me months ago with no warning. Devastated as they never did that before. If time or space was needed, it was always communicated.

New info - this past weekend they appear out of nowhere to acknowledge an important event taking place, hope I am doing well, hope I don’t hate them, and their life is sheer chaos. Nothing more, nothing less.

What does one do with that? Someone mentioned whiplash in their story earlier. I definitely feel that and more.

Thanks for space of letting me share this so it doesn’t keep living in my head rent free.

This is for the men in here who have had successful AP/FWB situations.

By successful, I mean that you found a woman that you were with for a period of time longer than a few months and during that time you were not also seeking “the next best thing.”

What was it about your AP/FWB that kept you engaged or made you decide you were good with them?

I am beginning to think I may be Quasimodo, but in the off chance there are some behavioral changes I could make, I’d like to give it the ole college try one more time.

ETA: I don’t think my sense of humor is made for Reddit.

Also, I’m not trying to change my personality. I’m talking about behavior- which one should change if it is an impediment to successful interactions. I was just curious if there were ways of being that men appreciated more run others.

From my experience, vulnerability or expressing emotions makes men run for the hills so I was trying to assess if it really is that dire.

Also, I have NEVER changed myself for a man. Hence- why I’ve never had a successful experience in this realm

Seems like we are all going through break ups with AP's....is something in the air. Ended it last night after weeks of contention ( see last post) and I think I'm in shock. This connection lasted years and I don't think it has registered that its actually over. No clear villain other than that it was no longer sustainable but god...its hit like a ton of bricks. I will go through waves of panic and type out a message to crying to hating him. Also a mind fuck to go through a breakup while married. I don't know if Ill be okay after this or how long it will take but its almost like my body and mind is refusing to believe its here so I don't have to endure it. Its taken everything in me to not back peddle as I was the only to finally rip the band aid off but whatever I could or would say wont undo the complications that already existed. Does it ever get better?? How do you tolerate this while keeping a brave face for your spouse?

Long story short, I had an affair, on and off for 3 years with a old friend. We were both in dead bedrooms and agreed we should focus on our marriage and just be friends. I did really like him, and if he were interested I would have been open to talking about being together- but I couldn't continue with an affair. So we decided to just be friends. He has mentioned looking for an ongoing affair partner, where as didn't want to continue with the secrets, and lies. We both said to each other many times over the years that we cared deeply about each other, even just as friends. I actually meant it though. He ghosted me 4+ months ago.

We don't live near each other, so we're not likely to bump into each other.

I've never cheated, he was an exception. I really made an exception for this guy, b/c we were friends first and I trusted him. I feel so stupid. What is odd to me is he ghosted me over a year after the affair ended. I guess I'm just trying to get some clarity around this since I'm not going to get any closure.

Just experienced something so bizarre and confounding I couldn't help but put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) in a stream-of-consciousness style ramble. Not sure I have any real point to make or advice I'm looking for, beyond just getting my thoughts out into the nebulous ether after a bit of a roller coaster ride. I feel like it helps to be able to commiserate with others who have shared experiences (whether good or bad). If words bore you, the TL;DR is at the very bottom.

It all started with a post on r/affairs that caught my eye. A joke could be made that I was interested purely based on the "F4M" alone... but actually there were very specific, niche points that related to my own interests. Local-ish and looking to eventually meet in person with the right match. Sometimes I "dog-ear" a post to come back to later. On rarer occasions I drop everything I'm doing to compose a thoughtful reply... this was one of those times. I must have spent an hour writing, deleting, re-writing, proofreading, editing a response, in the middle of my work day, before I was satisfied enough to finally hit "send."

It's always a bit of a crap-shoot when replying to a woman's post. The odds are definitely stacked against you, and it's one of those things where you just have to hope for the best and put it out of your mind. But still, you can't help but wonder sometimes. Especially when you already feel like there could be a lot of potential. Not that I ever really expect a reply back... but I'm always hopeful for one. Crickets the rest of the day. Still nothing the next morning. Refreshing the reddit chat screen periodically throughout the day, hopeful to see something. Anything.

Then around the 24 hour mark, that lovely reddit-orange bubble indicating an awaiting message. Cue the dopamine rush... IYKYK. Nothing elaborate - just an acknowledgement and appreciation for my message along with an explanation that she really wanted to reply sooner but life was busy. Understandable and relatable, of course. I was beyond thrilled to hear back from her. Further validation that if you take the time to really read a post and can speak directly to what they're saying, chances are so much higher to hear back. Even if it is a "thanks but no thanks." Not that any message is ever entitled to a response, no matter how good or bad.

This was her first time ever engaging with anyone outside of her marriage. While this wasn't my first rodeo. But nevertheless it was an immediate connection. Shared interests. View points. Brains operating on very similar wavelengths. The conversation felt effortless and flowed so naturally. There was never a moment of any "small" or "idle" talk, even when the topic of conversation wasn't particularly deep or philosophical. I'd only experienced something like this a time or two before, and I could instantly realize that this had all the hallmarks of something that could be truly special and long lasting.

We messaged daily, morning and night. Always looking forward to the next reply and the next. Things kept escalating, building, heating up. Flirty and full of innuendo, yet managing to keep things just on this side of respectable. Until it all came to a climactic head, and we finally allowed ourselves to indulge in the ways we'd been dancing around and hoping for. I finally let myself believe, hope, that perhaps this could truly be the beginning of something beautiful. One of those "x number of year affairs" that some people lovingly/proudly boast about (as is their right). We expressed just how smitten we were with each other, how lucky we both felt to have found each other. I know, it was disgustingly sweet, and I was all about it.

And then the spell was broken. Just like that. Inexplicably. Classic breadcrumbing started almost right away. Replies taking longer. Then a missed day or two. Making me question if I'd only been imagining everything else that had happened previously. Still I held out hope. Not questioning, figuring there were legitimate reasons for the change in behavior. Allowing for some grace and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She finally messaged back after several days of radio silence, explaining she'd come down with the stomach flu and couldn't function. Although I was in her thoughts the entire time. She left me a lengthy voice note to explain and apologize and she was worried that I may have given up on her and moved on but she would love to continue building what we'd found together.

Of course I was beyond relieved to hear back from her. Told her while I was a little worried, I was still feeling strong about us and wanted nothing more than to continue as well. She expressed her own relief and excitement and I thought we were right back on track. Then not even 2 hours later she left me a short blurb of a message saying she had to delete, and take care. And that was that. I had no chance to say goodbye or wish her well, she had already removed/blocked me from the chat app we were using. And our chat on reddit shows the dreaded [deleted].

So... I'm just left scratching my head. A little hurt too, I suppose. And recovering a little from the sudden whiplash. But we were only a few weeks in so I can't really say that it was emotionally devastating or anything to that degree. I guess the moral of the story is that it really is true how you can experience the highest of highs, along with the lowest of lows in this "lifestyle". I've experienced those highs and lows on a few occasions before, so I'm no stranger to that axiom. It was a stark reminder of just how tumultuous things can be, even within a matter of a few days, or even hours.

Perhaps the fact that I've written a whole ass dissertation on what amounts to a weeks-long "fling" is evidence enough that I'm more affected by this than I originally thought. It's not so much being surreptitiously dropped like a bad habit that stings. It's the loss of what this represented. The potential. The strength and magnitude of the initial connection where it felt like perhaps the long, exhausting search could finally come to an end. And now it's back to square one.

Welp... that's the long and short of it. I had no idea I'd end up 10 paragraphs deep. I just started word-vomiting my thoughts and feelings and here we are. Thanks for listening! :)

TL;DR: I was hopeful to have met the AP "of my dreams" (not actually, but there was definitely the potential). Feelings were mutual. Sparks and chemistry and butterflies and NRE (and all the other commonly used phrases) from the very start... it was "special". Then a rather abrupt change of heart on her end. Deleted/blocked me without even a chance to say bye or wish her the best. Womp womp

Been talking to a pAP for the past few weeks and things seem to have been going well, calls, pic exchange, enthusiasm. It’s long distance so meeting up is unlikely to be frequent but as we seemed to gel I put that to one side. However as time has gone on, things are losing momentum - for me anyway.

This person’s other half doesn’t work and seems to be at home most of the time and I’m discovering he doesn’t appear to have much of a life away from work or his marriage. I have friends, go out, keep active and have hobbies and for me personally it’s a turn off when a pAP doesn’t have a lot going on outside of their job or primary relationship, irrespective of affairing. I’ve also discussed capacity for having an affair referencing my past experiences which he seemed to understand.

On a side note and maybe minor and weird, for some reason when he’s blown me a kiss on video it’s also given me the ick. However that could possibly be due to receiving a video when I’m starting a busy day of work and he says he’s not got much on (literally and figuratively) so he’s starts enjoying himself 🍆 💦 I’m all for NSFW exchanges but I felt this rather cringe.

Back to the search me thinks

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

It has been about 3 months since we last spoke, although he has attempted to reach me since then. I’ve denied his advances.

He’s been heavily on my mind lately and I truly do miss our friendship. We grew incredibly close throughout all of 2025, and he was my rock during one of the toughest years of my life. I miss him so so so much. It’s tempting to unblock him and reach out, but I know it’s a bad idea. He clearly still gives some fucks about me which makes this even harder.

I’m just heartbroken, despite being the one to truly end things this time. The guilt was eating both of us alive but having each other almost makes it seem worth it somedays. Our bond was something that I’ve never felt before and it was/is intoxicating.

I know I’ll eventually stop feeling this way one day. I just hope that day is soon.

Long story short - together for 20 years. Husband is 15 years older than me. Alcoholism = no sex for 5 years due to lack of getting it up.
ADHD and bereavement.
Should I leave ? Probs but the thought of starting again is too much.

Fast forward to present day. Perimenopausal and on Hrt.

I cannot stop thinking about sex. I’ve picked a guy up on Snapchat that lives near me. He’s also married. At it like rabbits.

I wanted something casual but I think he’s obsessed with me. I’m not complaining right enough. Don’t need comments just need to put this somewhere other than ChatGPT who knows me so well now and is egging me on.

edit - Snapchat random adds. He added me and turned out he lived near by. People add you from all over the world and it’s just your luck. I love a yap though 🤣

I began on online relationship with a woman from a different country. We were sexting every day and honestly it was very hot and heavy. We kept it anonymous, her preference which I totally respected.

My life is very dull, parent, work, gym, chores, repeat. My wife and marriage is basically null. She has friends and family she talks to everyday and we have been pulling apart for quite some time. I didn’t seek out an affair but it happened organically. And I loved it. Me and AP had many things in common and when we weren’t sexting our conversation were great. It was like a breath of fresh air.

We exchanged NSFW pictures, still with not giving away our identity. But I fucked up. I sent a video of me and since Reddit doesn’t allow video in chats I sent it through a link, I didn’t realize she would have to have to request via email. But it did. And I saw her true name and face. Needless to say she was extremely upset. I assured her that my intentions weren’t nefarious and I would not use her information in any way. But the damage was done. She told me she didn’t want to walk anymore and then later deleted her account.

It hurts just like a real life breakup. And what’s worse is I can’t talk about it to anyone. I still have to smile and act like nothing is hurting me when really I am so crushed inside. I thought there might be hope in a few days she would want to talk about it but seeing that she deleted her account and I’ll never have a chance to talk to her again is just heartbreaking.

Long story short my wife cheated on me two years ago. Her affair was a long distance relationship that lasted 6 months, they had sex 2 different times. We've since reconciled, married is far better now than before. BUT I'm now in a emotional affair with one of my old flames (she's married) that reconnected with me after bumping into her at a work trip. I validated it because of her past deeds and I don't feel bad and I want this to go further. Long story short, one thing my wife taught me was how to hide things, she was so good at it. But given I was the victim, I have access to everything for her but she has nothing of mine. Also, I've since found this subreddit and you guys have given even better systems to avoid getting caught. Plan to connect physically in a couple weeks for a couple nights . Anyone have cheated back and regretted it? I figured I'm already one foot in so I might else well go all the way.