r/adultery

My AP that I have been talking with almost daily for six months deleted his account without notice. That feels really permanent and intentional to hurt me. Admittedly there have been periods of hot and cold with us but I never figured he would full on delete all accounts and cut off all routes of contact.

I sit here beating myself up. If I would have done xyz differently maybe there would be a different outcome. If I wouldn’t have said that, if I would have showed up differently that day etc etc. My mind keeps replaying the past, I feel shocked even though I guess I shouldn’t.

In addition to feeling heartbroken, there’s no one to talk to about it. I just have to show up everyday to work the same as always, but feeling like a meaningful piece of my life is now just missing. I put a lot of myself out there for him and I feel discarded like trash, which maybe is just karma for doing this.

I don’t want anyone else right now, it was only him. So I guess it’s somehow trying to move on and find healthier sources of dopamine in my life. But I know it’s going to take a long time for me to recalibrate—nothing “hits” quite like a good conversation with your AP.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Anyone familiar with Hushaffair? I don't see anything in search for the subreddit.

Thoughts on inviting the AP to the marital home?

My SO is away for the weekend. In a different country. I have his location and flight details so can be sure I won’t be surprised with an early homecoming. We don’t have any cameras/ring doorbell/anything of that ilk. We don’t really know any neighbours.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for around 9 months and are lucky enough to see each other on average once a week. Our relationship is well established and I trust him. He pretty much knows where I live anyway. Well, he knows the area and he knows my car - it wouldn’t take him long to figure it out if he wanted to.

I have children. They would be in bed asleep by the time he gets here. They are young enough that I wouldn’t be too concerned about them waking up and seeing him anyway. Easily explained away by ‘a friend came to drop something off,’ they’re not old enough to question any further, and if that was repeated to my SO it wouldn’t be suspicious.

My SO and I sleep in separate rooms and have done for well over a year. I have my own bed, so I’m not talking about inviting AP into the marital bed - that does feel like a step slightly too far!

What do we think? Is it too risky? Too weird? Anything I haven’t thought of? Any more bases to cover? I know that if I do this, my opsec needs to be spot on.

I’d also be interested to hear from anyone who has done this. How did it feel having your AP in your home space? The idea of him standing in my kitchen, sitting on my sofa, sleeping in my bed, is weird, but I want it. Anyone who got caught doing this? Anyone that got away with it?

Thanks, stay safe out there

RANT: He lied about a vasectomy for over a year to guilt me and I just found out the truth from his wife’s unhinged Twitter account. I have never typed so fast in my life.

So gather round because this one has layers.

Let me just say that upfront before the comments get spicy. Grief from losing my mom unexpectedly did a number on my entire nervous system and sane decision making abilities.

First boyfriend from high school slid back into my life at exactly the wrong moment and I went into full affair mode after he bought a flight halfway across the country just to reunite after 15 years of last seeing each other. I committed to the bit immediately, we were having a ball!

Now here’s the setup you need to understand: He’s married with three kids. I’m married with zero kids and a fertility situation that made having children complicated. If you’ve ever navigated fertility struggles you already know the emotional weight that carries.

So this man, knowing ALL of that, decides his angle to take this affair to the next level is going to be “let me get you pregnant.” During an affair. In hotel rooms. While married to other people. Grief clouds judgment people. I cannot stress this enough. My insane brain is with the shits, but after the sex high wears off I’m def saying to myself “girl you have lost your fucking mind”

He starts to insist I leave my marriage for him. So naturally he escalates to ultimatums when I hesitate. “If you don’t commit to me in random number of weeks I’m getting a vasectomy.”

The urgency kept escalating like he was hosting some kind of twisted emotional auction. Meanwhile I’m sitting there genuinely torn like a dumbass because on one hand — married man with three kids. On the other hand — grief, fertility struggles, complicated feelings and a man who flew across the country to see me.

This goes on for AN ENTIRE YEAR. Then finally. FINALLY. He drops the news. He got the vasectomy. I waited too long.

But WAIT. Plot twist. Apparently — and I truly cannot make this up — the doctor didn’t wear gloves during the procedure and gave him herpes. And he’s suing.

I wish I was creative enough to invent this. So now I’m processing random ass vasectomy grief AND being asked to comfort a man about his doctor allegedly giving him herpes barehanded during a routine procedure. I should have left then. I know. I KNOW.

Anyway I come to my senses and the affair eventually fizzled. Emotional highs and lows was exhausting. I moved on.

He’d text / call occasionally and I’d answer if I was bored enough. Nothing serious.

Fast forward to THIS WEEK.

His wife is chronically online. Like aggressively, entertainingly, chaotically online. I occasionally lurk her Twitter purely for the unhinged energy because honestly? She’s compelling content. And today. TODAY. She posts about vasectomies.

Specifically about how her husband got his vasectomy THREE WEEKS INTO OUR AFFAIR.

Let me say that again for the people in the back. He already had the vasectomy from the jump. Before the ultimatums. Before the deadlines. Before the dramatic “if you loved me you’d choose me” screaming matches. Before the FAKE DOCTOR HERPES STORY. He was never getting anyone pregnant. He knew that the entire time.

I have never in my life typed up an epic cursing out based upon an unhinged Twitter user but that man lost his ever loving mind with the random ass lies,

Oh and I slid into his wife’s DMs with a nice little “woman to woman heads up note”

Yes I’m going out petty

We could have just had a normal ass affair like adults. Sneaking around, chasing adrenaline, bougie hotel room service.

But noooooo, homie chose to construct an elaborate year long psychological operation using my dead mother’s grief and my fertility struggles as raw material. For what? To feel chosen? To feel powerful? Sir. The audacity is actually breathtaking.

Update: Thank you for the kind responses and advice in the comments. I did get tested promptly after the doctor story and came back with a clean bill of health 🙏🏼 and also confessed to my partner what I had done, the lies and emotional turmoil of that situation were too much for me. A lot of personal growth over here. Also the wife never responded to my message but if she ever wants to or wants “revenge” and to expose me, that’s okay. It’s a risk I knew was there. I value truth over mind games. My life has def improved since this nonsense, hands down and I’m ready for a life completely void of him

Not trying to get into a big thing about how only looks matter first because we know it is so so much more than that but the initial attraction has to be there right ?

So am I crazy for feeling like a large portion of the men on here don't care about how they come off the first time they send a photo ? I read constant posts from men saying they got ghosted after they sent a picture and fellas I just gotta say from the pictures I've been sent so far, please put a little effort in. Shave/trim up your beards and brows. Style or at least brush your hair maybe. Wear something that just looks nice or new, you don't have to change yourself but come on. A little effort goes a long way, did you nab your wives/partners without effort ? You are trying to get someone's attention and show yourself off right ?

Like when I send my picture to someone I want them to be like God damn she's hot. I want them to see that I take care of myself and care about my appearance. Ya they will see the make up free selfies soon enough but the first photos should at least have some extra effort I think.

Am I wrong in thinking this !?

It's hard enough to find a solid guy, who's local to you and wants all the same things as you and then they send you a picture and it's like really, that's the selfie you choose.

I do want to note I have seen some guys who take care of themselves this is not directed at every man, but if I was to score it I'd say 3 out of 10 guys actually put effort into their replies AND their photos/themselves.

Alright you kinky Redditors, who it turns out are also Fetlifers, I’m reading that a whole bunch of you have somehow managed to find your AP there! And I wanna know how.

I’ve been active on Fetlife for awhile, have a decent following, friends, and have attended a few events.

I met my married former FWB at an event. But all the men I meet on Fet just want a play partner, and I would be one of many. Or they are married men there to perv and too terrified to cheat.

The general vibe I’ve gotten there is cheating is shit. The kink community is huge on consent and, well, cheating isn’t exactly something our spouses consent to. I don’t lie about my marital status but I don’t announce I’m cheating. Most married men in the same boat tend to find me but aren’t looking for an ongoing affair. A few couples and singles have not liked that I’m cheating. And zero women are on board with it.

Because of this, I feel like I can’t truly be authentic on Fet. Maybe it’s just in my geographic location that men are scared? I don’t know. But tell me, kinksters, how did you meet your AP on Fet?

Would Feeld be a better bet? For those women who have tried it, what has your experience been like?

TL;DR below.

Not sure if this is the right sub. But I wanted to ask for some advice. This is an alt account of mine.

My wife has had a string of health problems, which has left her severely depressed. For a while, she stopped taking care of herself and just had a defeated attitude. She went from a fun and sexy person to someone who was more of a friend and roommate than partner. As a husband, I was determined to help. Even though her motivation was low, I could sense that she wasn’t a bad person taking advantage of me. She knew and wanted to be better, but didn’t have the tools. If she were just a spoiled person who “marriage-trapped” me, I’d have left a while ago.

Thankfully, after lots of support, she’s getting better and pulling herself out of her rut. I am happy for her. She is a stay at home housewife so she went from sleeping in until the afternoons, ordering takeout, and not doing much to now having a routine. Her family have praised me for sticking by her side. And I was glad to. She’s my friend.

Anyway, we were talking about the “bad times” and my wife asked if I ever thought of stepping outside of our marriage. I told her I did from time to time. My sex drive is high - I could have sex multiple times a day, every day. In short, she explained that even though she feels better, her libido was still super low. And she’s not sure if it will ever improve. She assured me that she loved me and found me very attractive. And that she remembers when we had matching high libidos. She said she couldn’t imagine having that high sex drive and me not meeting her needs.

So, in short, she said she wouldn’t mind if I found other partners. We talked ground rules: Use protection. And I cannot “embarrass us” - basically don’t flaunt any affairs and to be discreet. We don’t want it to be open knowledge to family and friends. And to not be disrespectful and brag in front of her, which I would never do. I used the term “outlet” and that’s what she thinks this would be. She has no interest in swinging or an open marriage. This would be just for me. And I explained that I’d communicate and that the situation may change whenever. Like, if she changes her mind.

I’m excited for the future. But, I’ve got no idea where to begin. It’s not like you can go flirt with women in bars and clubs, and then say “I’m married but my wife’s cool with it”, right? This is totally uncharted territory for me.

TL;DR: Wife gave me hall pass due to her health issues leading to LL. I just have to be discreet and respectful. Don’t know where to begin or how to meet people.

I've seen the posts of regret and horror stories. And in many ways, it is understandable and, not really that much different than any "legitimate" relationship. This is a tough lifestyle. Lots of lying, lots of deceit, lots of dishonesty involved. You bet your ass it's a challenge to live with it.

It's why I always say—whether it is spontaneous, in the wild, on AM, or even on here—an affair or cheating should be a last resort. Sometimes you get sucked into these things unexpectedly, I get it. Some of your are just opportunists. And even beyond that, some of you just cannot be monogamous to save your lives. Regardless, having an affair should be a last resort.

While none of us are saints here, before you get into a relationship with an AP—whether it is just casual meet ups or deeply romantic connections—make sure you can live with what you're doing. As I said, numerous times, under a previous account, having an affair is the most honest thing you will do for yourself. You're going to learn things about yourself. And some of those things you learn about yourself you're not going to like.

Sometimes, you cannot handle that bit of self-honesty. You will learn that you will lie to get what you want. You will learn that you will deceive to get what you want. You will learn that the moral compass that you thought you had really never existed. Despite your best intentions and best efforts at monogamy, you still need far more than what your SO's can offer you.

Having affairs forces you to leave the warmth of idealism and enter into the domain of realism. You needed more and your SO was not enough. Despite you exchanging marital vows, engagement rings, promise rings—whatever the fuck you choose to use as a symbol of monogamous commitment—you had needs that your SO couldn't meet. So you went off and found someone who could. Or you are looking for someone who can. That's the reality of your existence.

You probably wonder "Why don't I just dump my SO?" or "Why don't I just get a divorce". You know the reason: it's a simple cost-benefit analysis. If you can get what you need by taking the path of least resistance, then why blow anything up? Hell, some of you may get racked with guilt, anxiety, or any sort of mental anguish, and the cost-benefit analysis is still the same.

Do I like I resorted to cheating? Nope. Will I eventually leave my SO? Probably. Admittedly, I've procrastinated for years. We don't even have kids. But I am her sole means of support. And every single time I think about breaking things off, I get overwhelmed with guilt. Not with the cheating, but the guilt of letting someone struggle to live in an expensive city because I made the decision to break things off. However, I live with the fact that I've cheated. Not proud of it, but I don't regret either, because I realize that this is the circumstance of my existence.

So I just write this in hopes of reaching those in this subreddit, I guess. I implore you, before you start engaging in this lifestyle—spontaneously or deliberately—to think about whether or not you can live with it. Think about whether or not you are prepared to be brutally honest with yourself. You can lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself. You're going to have to live with and embrace your own character flaws.

For those who are regretting their behavior, all I will say is that the most important thing you can do to get past the anxiety is to learn how to be honest with yourself. This is your existence. Be honest with yourself about it.

For context, we got married at 20 and have been together for 6 years. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t ready for marriage. I said yes because it made sense at the time. He loved me unconditionally, was fully devoted to me, and I did love him in the beginning.

Things shifted when his religious parents offered to pay our rent for a year, but only if we got married first. I saw it as my chance to escape a toxic home life, so we got married 8 months later. Looking back, that was one of my biggest reasons for marrying him, and I never truly understood marriage as a lifelong commitment back then.

Our first year was exciting, but later we got into the party scene and I reconnected with an old high school friend. That’s when I started questioning whether I wanted a different life entirely. I’ve always imagined myself living more independently, yet I got married so young. I still believe there is a deep love out there. I’m just not sure everyone finds it.

Eventually, I crossed a line emotionally and physically with another guy. I never slept with him, but I still betrayed my husband’s trust, and the guilt eats at me every day. Now I constantly question whether I truly love my husband, whether I should come clean and try to fix our marriage, or whether all of this is happening because deep down I need out. It’s even harder because he wants kids someday and I don’t.

I can’t tell if I’m just going through a quarter life crisis that I need to work through, or if these feelings are proof that this marriage was never right for me in the first place.

Has anyone ever been in this position? Would love to hear what happened.

First time poster, long time reader. Male for anyone who wanted to know.

The best way I can describe this is Goldilocks and the Three Bears, except I’m not using the descriptive words she used in the story and apply it to the women I’ve chatted with. Just wanted to be clear here. lol.

My standards aren’t too high, I do believe they are just right. I just was wondering if any of you have gotten to the point of no longer wanting to look and the next thing you know you’re found the “Just right” AP that fits you perfectly? Thank you for taking the time to read the post.

Our affair started 3 months ago. It started with intense sexual connection and I enjoyed it. Then I fell for him fully and I became fully invested emotionally.

These feelings are reciprocated but we handle them so differently. He is living one day at a time, meanwhile I'm constantly nagging about the what ifs and future planning. (we have so different personalities: if anyone is into MTBI personality types: I'm a INFJ and he is ESTJ)

We have been quite lucky since the start, seeing each other for many hours on average 2x a week.

However, I get major emotional lows the afternoons and the day after our time together. Feeling depressed. Going through life robotically, pretending for my kids that everything is okay, when it feels like the world is falling apart.

This feeling is usually gone by day 3. I like to think I've learnt to compartmentalize a bit.

The days when we are not together, I handle better than before. It feels like I distance myself from the whole situation.

But of course I want to meet up again as soon as possible, and then the same cycle starts.

Does anyone else have it this way? It's really exhausting mentally, feels like a fcking rollercoaster..

I have a long time fwb that has been exclusively sex. We connect really well in bed, mutual attraction is there and when we are together it’s next level amazing.

But - there nothing in between the meet ups. There no checking in, no details of our lives shared, we don’t even know each others names.

I’m to the point where I want (need?) more. Do I bring it up or walk away since we agreed upfront it was just sex and he was providing me with Bull services?

For context, we are both married with kids and careers.

After an ended relationship, I expected the missing excitement of incoming messages, the thrill of meetings, the reflex of wanting to tell them something funny that happened. I expected to hear a song and immediately want to share.

But what is catching me is missing the version of me that existed just with him.

That version of me laughed differently. Felt more, wanted with abandon. Looked at my phone with anticipation instead of habit. Felt lighter, softer, more alive, more understood, more cared for. Maybe there were parts of me that had been asleep for years and somehow woke up in that relationship.

And now I keep wondering: where did that version of me go?

Have others felt this? The relationship ends but some version of you leaves too? Is that what hurts so much? Not just losing someone else, but losing access to a self you had started to recognize and love.

So for those who’ve gone through it: what did you actually do with that?

Not “time heals.” Not “stay busy.” What did you do with the love, the anger, the longing, the memories, and with the version of yourself that disappeared when they did?

Have you ever realized you’re talking to the same person you have in the past? And what do you do? Say something right away? Wait and see or just block?

So this is a long one, continue only if you plan to actually read it all please.

I've been with my SO for 14 years, married for 5. I was 16 when we met and had no idea who I was. Somewhere along the line I just merged into a version of myself that was tolerable to him. I never saw it while deep in it. I had no interests, no hobbies, kept the peace and did the good girlfriend and wife thing.

He has always wanted to immigrate and I never wanted to, but in 2022, we had a beautiful child. It changed my view on moving continents and we agreed to start the process. We sold everything packed up our life and he moved overseas for a year before our son and I could join. My son and I moved in with my parents and this was the first time ever being "alone" for me. I feel like I did so much work on myself in that time and realised what I've been missing in myself and what I feel like I deserve in a partner.

When the time came for me to move over, I did it with the intention of working on my marraige, hoping that this fresh start together would be what we needed. I communicated what I needed and asked to work on things. I was met with silence and avoidance. I spent months begging and crying but unfortunately I realised that it takes two to make a marraige work.

I started wondering if I just wanted too much, if my expectations were unrealistic. That led me to looking on reddit for an AP. After a few real horrible experiences, I came across a post which felt like this man was wanting exactly what I dreamed of. I messaged straight away.

We clicked instantly, shared photos and the attraction was there. Within a few days we video called and texted nonstop. For context, this started 8 months ago and we were on different continents. He was married too, but we both were trying to figure out how to end our marraiges before we even started talking.

Within two months we were at the point of texting all day, Monday to Friday, occasionally on weekends. We were video calling most days for atleast an hour at a time. We had told eachother that we loved them and it felt so fucking real. We started dreaming of our future together after divorce and I even started making plans to immigrate to where he is, as that is how sure it felt that we were about eachother. We shared all our real information, we pretty much integrated into most of eachothers day.

He met my mother on a video call and some friends on another, my friends knew about him, eventually my entire family knew about him too.

On his side, I was very much a secret, two people knew about me. That bothered me but I knew his situation was more sensitive. I had told my husband in November that I was done with the marriage, however being on a spousal visa - it was never going to be a fast process, we knew we had to cohabitate for quite some time still. AP was trying to bring up separation with his wife but fear got him everytime..

Until about 2 months ago, he addressed it and things started shifting there, slowly, but shifting. While they were slowly heading towards separating, his wife suddenly confronted him asking who he was talking to, she saw the texts and call logs, all the photos and "I love you"s. Even the kids, we shared photos and videos of our kids often. That sped up the separation but she still didn't want to let him go. Constant cycles of hating him and then begging to have him back. He even cut me off and said goodbye because he thought he needed to be alone, but within 24hrs we both knew that was not the right decision.

Anyways we got through that and things finally started feeling better than ever. I told my husband about his existence, I had just applied for a visitors visa, for which he wrote me an invitation letter, to go visit him in two months time. Planning that was getting so exciting. We were enjoying eachother more than ever...until.

Last week things felt alittle off. By Friday he didn't want to even have our usual call and said he doesn't know why but he just feels so disconnected from everything and everyone and wanted the weekend alone to just breathe. I was supportive and reassured him that I'm here through it all, that he should take the time. Well...I was not prepared for the text I received early hours of the next morning. He confessed to me that he had a run in with a woman on Monday, that he's know for years, they got to talking and as soon as she heard he was freshly separated, she took the opportunity to tell him she's had a crush on him for a long time. One thing lead to another and thay made out. That was the Monday, then they continued to text and met up again in the week and slept together.

Now this text absolutely shattered me because how? Why? What the actual fuck?

But he wouldn't talk about it, just shut down most of my questions and told me he's not stopping things with the new woman, and he's at breaking point and doesn't know what to do. He wouldn't get on a call and I was so confused and broken. He eventually agreed to a call on Monday night (the one that just passed). The call was two hours long, lots of crying, lots of silence, we could barely look at eachother. He was ending us. He was chosing to continue exploring things with this new woman and I'm the one that needs to go. Wtf.

Told me he still loves me and everything he ever said and felt was real but he needs to do this for himself. I still pleaded for him to let this woman go and we could move passed all of this.. he wasn't prepared to do that. In the end we agreed to finally add eachother on fb (my fear of abandonment couldn't handle a clean break) and that we'd check in from time to time. But things are over.

Its only two days later but I'm fucking shattered. I haven't been to work in two days. I can't eat since the bombshell text on Friday, even though I'm trying so hard to get something in - I've fainted a few times. My husband can see I'm grieving this and its so hard because he is comforting my grief over a man that I was choosing after him.

Im just so fucking lost right now. I dont know what's next. Who I am without him. Shit, I dont even know how to make it through the fucking day right now.

I guess I just needed to share this somewhere. If you comment, please be kind. I'm too fragile for the obvious "he cheated with you, then on you" or "this is some dumb shit". This is my real life.

I am so desperate I don’t know what to do.

It has been going on for over a year and a half. I am married and he is recently divorced.

He told me I was the only one he was sleeping with, but I went on his phone and saw a video of a girl giving him head a few days ago. I asked him multiple times if he was anyone else, I don’t care that much but I don’t want him to lie to me. I want full transparency, just like I am being transparent. Now I found out the lie. I still feel like I cannot live without him. I was angry for a day and then started talking to him like nothing happened… what is wrong with me?? He’s NOT my boyfriend.

The worst part is that I’m actually happy with my marriage. I made it clear that I would not leave my husband. I don’t even know what I’m doing here or how I got here. I just know I have a very special connection with him and it’s gonna be extremely difficult to replace.

The last year and a half we have tried to break it off three times but we have always come back to each other after less than two weeks. At this point, I think it’s emotional dependency.

Please give me advice on how to end it and focus on my life and my marriage. Please do not judge me, you don’t know the whole story.

I have had one online affair before and one long distance affair where we would see each other few months. Neither ended badly, exOAP got divorced and decided to enjoy single life, exAP couldn't habdle the guilt but we had a good connection we decided to stay friends and it's worked for us. So once in a while I'll check in with both of them or both of them will check in with me. Haven't spoken to either in a couple of weeks.

Last night both of them texted me to ask how I'm doing.

How am I doing? Well my AP told me he loves me last night. I can't tell anyone how happy I am, but I'm feeling pretty incredible.

As a 37yo MM, I’ve connected with a few potential partners lately, but nothing lasted more than a few weeks. Compatibility isn't the issue, and I'm not just looking for casual sex. The real issue is patience—building these connections simply takes more time and effort. In the last couple of months, I’ve realized adultery is not everyone’s cup of tea.

In Jan, I posted on an affairs subreddit and connected with someone. Initially, we texted and spoke on phone during the day, our chemistry was amazing—we laughed a lot and had plenty of things to talk about. However, it was hard to continue because of my business trip and busier schedule. We both live in India, navigating family dynamics made and finding time for each other was horribly difficult during this period. This is my first time doing this, I wanted to take it slow and I didn’t plan to meet irl.
Eventually, the lack of consistent communication made us drift apart. It was a mutual struggle, not one person's fault. A non-traditional relationship like this has hard boundaries and needs enormous patience to accept and work with delays and limitations. We mutually called it off.

A few weeks later, I connected with a woman moving back to India from Canada. She was separated and making time for each other wasn’t hard. Despite the time difference, we spoke on the phone and video-called each other. I also moved countries in the past and we had a lot of common things to talk about. Our chemistry was great, and I could work with my schedule to make time for her.
While traveling back, she planned for a 18hr layover in Bangalore specifically to see me. We had booked a hotel and planned the entire date.Just a few hours before her flight landed, I had an emergency. My mom had to be hospitalized in intensive care and I rushed to attend to her. In all the chaos, I couldn't check Telegram or keep track of the time. She landed, checked into the hotel alone, and she tried calling me a few times but my notifications were off and I was unreachable for like 6 - 8 hours. When I finally got home and tried to call her, she was furious. She refused to answer, sent a massive text venting her anger, and blocked me. It wasn't intentional and I wasn’t ghosting/ chickening out. I agree it feels disrespectful but I just wish she had given me a chance to explain the emergency.

Finding people isn't the hardest part—it's sustaining the relationship that takes real time and effort. Because this setup is unorthodox, it requires extra patience during unexpected delays or surprises. Instead of reading between the lines or assuming things, it is always better to simply ask and clarify if someone’s actions don't match the plan. Clear communication prevents false assumptions. After all, patience is a virtue but a rarity irl.

40M and not great at writing so here goes…

About a year ago we met in a remote sex toy app for a toy whole heartedly intended for me and my wife to spice things up. AP and I clicked immediately and have been in constant contact since. Waking up to daily sexy messages, remote sex at least once a week, speaking frequently and talking about everything from our families to our careers on a daily routine basis. I don’t think either of us intended for it progress past the purely sexual. It just sort of happened… for me at least. Almost in a visceral way. I know I’m starved for the attention and validation in my marriage, I wasn’t seeking an affair. Thats just how it came packaged. It was nice being desired in such a white hot kind of way. It was just simple, hot, and exciting. And I genuinely liked her. But these things seem to have a way of fizzling out.

Last night I open my phone to a message that her marriage needs attention and she was going to be removing distractions, meaning me, and honestly, I feel crushed. I didn’t think I would, but it hurt. We always agreed our spouses come first. I just never expected it to happen so abruptly. I don’t know what happened on her end. She left it open ended and suggested she would be back if she could, but that leaves me feeling like a worm on a hook.

Now, I’m opening my phone hoping for a message I know isn’t coming. Stuck mourning a relationship with a person who I hadn’t intended to have a relationship with. At home, at work, I have no one to talk to. I feel discarded. Was she bored? Is she being honest? I will never know. She isn’t obligated to explain any further and I said as much. I genuinely hope everything is ok with her.

I know I will go from checking my phone obsessively, to hourly, to daily to eventually moving on. I know it wasn’t as involved as some affairs are, but I miss the connection. It was so difficult for me to not develop feelings after being so intimate so often. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.

It’s been nearly two months since I’ve seen my AP, and tomorrow morning he is flying in. I am beside myself with excitement. I just want to hold him and kiss him the entire time😂😭