u/Popular_Ear9389

Sometimes, I wonder if why I have an AP is down to having ADHD. I wonder if monogamy is just impossible for ADHD brains? Is cheating inevitable?

The dopamine, novelty, and sensory seeking nature of ADHD will always make having an affair feel like an inevitable road.

I'm not trying to excuse or fully blame my ADHD, just pondering whether there is an element of inevitability that for some us in very long term relationships and living with ADHD will find almost impossible to not end up in an affair.

38F, married 14 years, together 19, two kids (9 and 6).

For most of my marriage, I assumed I just had a low sex drive. We've barely had sex in years, my husband stopped initiating a long time ago, and once kids arrived, it got even harder to find the time. I never questioned it — I thought that was just who I was.

In the last 6 months, I've realized that's not true. I actually have a high drive. I've just been hugely repressing it out of shame. My other problem since having some kind of sexual awakening is that I don't want sex with him. There's no attraction, no pull, nothing.

It's not only physical either — I feel unseen in my marriage, he's passive, he doesn't seem to have passion for anything anymore, he's just kind of flat and down most of the time.

That realization is what pushed me into an affair, and I'll be upfront about that. It's been good, and it's made the gap in my marriage impossible to ignore. But I'm not looking for validation on the affair — I'm stuck on the actual decision underneath it.

When I think about leaving: where does he live, how do we manage financially, what does this do to our two young kids. It feels impossible.

When I think about staying: now that I know what's missing, staying feels just as impossible.

I don't know if this is a "the marriage can be fixed" situation or a "this is over" situation. Has anyone navigated this — knowing you can't stay as-is, but not seeing a clear way out either? What actually got you moving off stuck?

I have tried to talk to my husband about my unmet needs and his lack of passion, etc, but it falls on deaf ears.