My (31f) toddler (2f) is struggling with emotional outbursts surrounding visitation
Firstly, here is a quick summary of how we got here. My brother and his girlfriend were deemed unfit parents to a 3-month-old baby, and she was put into the foster system. When I returned from military service, I took her in. She has been with me for a year; she is 2 years old.
I am 100% dedicated to educating myself regarding the emotional trauma of adoption. I can thank this sub for helping me make some very big decisions. For instance, we opted out of a formal adoption and instead did a permanent legal transfer of custody so her birth certificate remains the same. She refers to me as Auntie, never mama, and we still have regular contact with her parents, who she sees either every weekend or every other weekend, depending on our schedules.
I'm just looking for some advice on how I can manage my toddler's emotions surrounding visitation. After she says goodbye to her mom, for a few days, she will break down into full-blown, can't breathe, world-shattering meltdowns. I try to comfort her, but it breaks my heart when she calls out for her mama, and I have to tell her she isn't there. I know this is related to visitation because, like clockwork, the breakdowns stop a few days after the visits.
Despite her only living with her for a few months after birth and not having any contact with her for 8 months prior to her coming to live with me, she still feels a strong pull towards her mother. She hits, bites, and kicks me when I enter her room at night while she is crying because I'm not mama.
I know the answer is probably to just keep moving forward and comfort her as best I can, but I want to make sure I'm not missing anything. From what I have read, going no contact or limiting visitation is out of the question. Her parents are addicts and are consistently struggling with homelessness and domestic violence on both ends. We don't have any plan to fully reunite them because they have already lost parental rights for 4 other children, 3 were adopted by another family many years ago and are already almost adults, and 1 is 8yo and living with my parents due to his violent tendencies towards his sister.