r/Fosterparents

Has anyone ever invited a biological parent into their home for a birthday celebration?

Our foster babe turns 1 tomorrow. We’ve had baby since she was 6 days old. We’re considering inviting her mom to our home so she can spend time playing with the baby, open presents, and have cake. We’re having a challenging time trying to decide if we should open up our home, or try to find somewhere nuetral and public. We live in a smaller community and places to meet up with small children are far and few, let alone a place that would allow us to bring a cake and light a candle.. we’re stumped for ideas on where to meet up. The weather will not allow for the visit to be at an outside location.

We have a good relationship with mom so far. She just completed treatment and is continuing to work her case plan. We want to adopt baby, but recognize the goal is still reunification. We want to maintain a good and healthy relationship with mom, should baby reunify and mom relapse in the future.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom would be helpful, thank you.

Hi! Tomorrow I'm meeting a 17 year old female with some significant developmental delays. I met her on Zoom last week, and she's coming for a day visit tomorrow as part of a matching process. The conversation on Zoom was pretty good, but it was only 30 minutes.

The visit is 4 hours. Obviously I'll show her the home and answer any questions she has.

How else would you fill the time?

We'll probably go to Taco Bell because she said it's her favorite.

I don't know what else to do!!

Please suggest ideas.

The purpose is for both her and me to get to know each other and see how it would work if she lived here. I don't want to go too above and beyond because that's not realistic for every day.

Thank you for ideas/advice!

Recently took a short term placement until the more permanent placement is ready here in a week or so.

The child is a bit over 2 years old and was removed for “severe neglect”. She will be getting screened for autism soon. I would say she knows maybe 2 or 3 words And doesn’t really respond to her name, so communication has been a struggle. Reading between the lines of the info we’ve been given, we are inferring that her older siblings have been her primary caregivers most of her life. As they are children themselves, meals have never really been provided. She does seem to recognize food pouches, but if we attempt to serve food on a plate, it’s almost as if she doesn’t recognize it as something to be eaten.

Short of blending up everything we offer her and putting it in a re-useable food pouch, or just buying up nutrition heavy pouches has anyone had success with this? We don’t want her to only live on applesauce and yogurt while she’s here.

sorry if this isn't appropriate to post and please delete if so!!

i've never been in foster care but i'm newly 20 and fresh off being a teen. i've lurked here for years lol and just thought about offering some perspective to what i see people discuss here about teens.

my credentials are that my mom finds it very hard to deal with me and i've struggled with mental health, suicide, SH, having no friends at points, misdiagnosis, etc and we still have an ok relationship, i'm studying what i want to and i have a nice friend group

none of my experiences can offer you any perspective of value as to what foster youth go through but a lot of what i see discussed here is just being a teenager (but obviously use your own discernment)

• teens being randomly being overly affectionate or seeking positive attention from you in a way that you may feel is childish like using a whiny voice isn't necessarily bad,,,, scolding them for "acting like a child"/withholding affection because you think it's inappropriate damages trust (this isn't even a very strange thing, lots of teen girls in my experience echo this sentiment, there's a hundred tiktoks about being "your parent's baby")
• i understand it's hard but making it obvious to them how much you struggle with THEM specifically and how much they stress you out absolutely will make them shut you out
• similarly, big reactions when they express things will also make them trust you less, things like talking about negative experiences should be met where they're at energy-wise
• (example one - my best friend's father was physically abusive when she was young and she'll occassionally make a joke about how he now spends more money on her as "reparations" or pay for my lunch as say don't feel bad it's my dad's
• example two - i sometimes make jokes about my dad who left when i was young and since i've learned my mom doesn't like me talking about that i simply don't with her)
• on this note, don't take things personally, a need for privacy you may feel is overkill, feeling a lot closer to their friends, not taking your advice even if you turn out to be right, shying away from physical affection or brushing you off when you're trying to be nice really isn't personal
• this one's a bit controversial but things like alcohol and weed aren't that huge and your focus should be less on "NEVER do this thing" and more "please learn to do it safely" --- the reality is i was taught not to and i did it anyway, it's better if you know where they are and with whom and making sure they don't do it to a self-destructive way or too often (not speaking about addiction ofc)
• same with sex --- the focus should be on it being in a clean, safe environment with someone their age that they can trust using protection etc
• (example being - my friend gave her first boyfriend a blowjob in a parking lot bathroom on the second date at fifteen, they ARE going to do it anyway)
• this one sounds so silly but if they talk about any interest just engage with it even if you genuinely could not care less
• also silly --- even if you think they're sleeping too much or waking up too late, let them sleep, lack of sleep is miserable and i flunked an important college final last week bc of it
• sometimes they're going to be upset and not want to talk to you but to a friend and again! not personal, don't push it because they will push you away and don't make comments about them not trusting you or how you're hurt they won't come to you for stuff
• clothing seems to be a big thing with a lot of parents and honestly it's not that huge of a deal😭 listen i understand you not wanting them to crash but we've all had phases that were embarrassing we look back and laugh at --- i've worn ugly outfits, bad makeup, crop tops that in hindsight didn't look good and it's ok i promise it's not that big of a deal
• (grain of salt - my mom thinks i dress like a slut so maybe you don't wanna hear it from me but mini skirts and tight tops when they're older teens is also not that big of a deal)
• this one's pretty obvious but i told you so is generally not helpful lol, anything taken as accusatory just makes people defensive and it makes you feel even worse, you're not gonna get through by making them feel guilty
• i feel this one's also pretty obvious but avoid yelling when you can and any variation of chasing them around the house during a discussion they're trying to run away from isn't a good idea no matter how urgent you think it is
• having a room that's only theirs when they can get away from everyone including you is important and policing how that room looks is never helpful, even if it's messy and you hate messes, you'll live (i thiknk the line here would be full-on depression rooms and food decomposing, bugs, bodily fluids, etc)
• boundaries and hard limits are important but threats will not get you anywhere nor will any sort of guilt-tripping (i've seen some places use stuff like "go to school or you can't stay here"????? absolutely not) --- like yes consequences are a thing but measure those? food, housing, AFFECTION and your health/wellbeing shouldn't be things you can dangle over their heads ever
• challenging your limits and pushign your buttons is often not something super insane imo, i annoy my loved ones on purpose often and sometimes it's just what having a kid is like, this isn't an end-of-the-world behavior
• again meet them where they're at, things you might not think are a big deal could be to them
• a lot of acting out and outbursts are not the end of the world, it's being a stressed teenager
• withholding affection no matter how mad you are when they're asking you for it is not helpful nor does it build a secure dynamic --- it's normal to need your space but often when you're in trouble, it's nice to know your caretakers' affection/attention isn't something they will take away
• don't vent about them to them nor where they can see/hear, please go to a therapist or hang out with a close friend that won't treat them different --- airing out our business or issues is extremely uncomfortable
• even with stuff like mental illness, SH, the likes please don't freak out at them, be overly invasive or limit their freedom, screaming and scolding and flying off the handle DOESN'T help and asking "are u suicidal? no, ok good bye" doesn't either --- look into harm reduction and talk when everyone's calmer

idk i'm just trying to say that just because you have traumatized foster kids in your care doesn't mean you have to pathologize them, especially when teens are already constantly made to feel bad for being too difficult

My fiance and I got placement of 5 and 7 year old girls who are within the family. They came Friday night with the clothes on their backs. As of this moment the county is telling us that it’s just a safety plan and could be up to 60 days. We asked if there would be possibly of child care (both of us work FT, he is an on call tractor trailer driver and I am a cover supervisor so I can work 1st,2nd or 3rd). The parents are allowed to see the kids under supervision and the safety plan. We were told that we do not get help with childcare/daycare. My question would be, since it’s the holiday weekend, will things change by Monday? I am struggling being 20 weeks pregnant and just overwhelmed. The girls really need some clothes since what mom brought them isn’t enough(we are in a middle of a heat wave and mom brought long sleeves).

Any guidance, words of wisdom, or a bit of sanity to help me ground myself. I will take any advice. Thank you.

Does anyone happen to be in ENC and willing to answer a few questions through DM? Im looking into going through with training but need some guidance on a few things.

Foster daughter (18) has been with us for a year. I also have an 11 year old bio son. My husband is going out of town, and she asked if she could sleep in my bed with me while he’s gone. For some context, my son still occasionally gets in our bed in the middle of the night but we’ve been actively working on him staying in his bed and he’s been doing really well.

I told her no, and she kept pushing the issue. I said it’s both against DHS policy (she’s in extended care) and not something I am comfortable with. She kind of flew off the handle about it because my son still does it sometimes. He just told me that she also told him to be sure not to get in bed with me this week and not to tell me she said anything.

When she moved in, we were specifically cautioned to maintain strong boundaries because we aren’t even really old enough to have been her parents. I can’t think of how else to explain to her that it isn’t her personal but that’s, to me, not appropriate. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with my 18 year old son in here either. She fixates on the equality of everything, regardless of whether something is age appropriate or not (which is understandable but hard to navigate).

Suggestions for how to discuss if she (likely) brings it up again? I have validated her feelings and offered alternatives (like watching a show in here together before bed) but I don’t know how else to tell her that it just cannot happen.

There are a lot of little things about my 12yo that annoy me, and honestly it's all relatively mild stuff. The most bothersome is his absolute lack of impulse control which can lead to things like playing with the butter in the countertop butter bell, binge eating sweets in the middle of the night, and slicing up the tablecloth. Most of the rest is pretty normal for a 12yo boy, or at least normal for an autistic/ADHD 12yo boy, like forgetting to wash his hands half the time he uses the bathroom or leaving his stuff all over the living room or arguing about chores.

But I don't have a partner or many foster parent friends, so I just sort of bottle up the annoyed feelings, which then makes it build up. Now everything is starting to feel bigger and I'm experiencing compassion fatigue and struggling to enjoy spending time with him. I feel like if I could just talk about all the things that bother me without worrying that I would be judged for some of the things that annoy me or that he would be judged for some of the things he does or that I'd be treated like I'm so amazing for putting up with him, it would help a lot. He's also got a sleepaway camp coming up soon and I'm hoping the time apart will help me feel better when he gets back.

But do other people struggle with this? and what do you do when you need to vent about the frustrations/challenges/annoying little things just to get it off your chest?

(Also, I apologize to those who responded to my last post, we had a very busy week after I posted it and by the time I was able to read the replies, there were thirty and I felt a little overwhelmed trying to come up with replies, though I still plan to try to reply to some of them when I can.)

i(16f) have been with my foster parents for approaching a year, and its been kinda rough, and it feels like its my fault. i already have a group of friends ive been comfortable with since before getting into foster care, so i end up spending a lot of my time out of the house. when i am home i mostly just keep to my own room unless they bring me out for dinner which i appreciate but it always feels like im leeching off of them for a place to stay and for allowance. i help with chores but other than that im scared im not being appreciative of them willing to take care of me. im just not good at that kinda thing in general, but especially when i already grew up not really liking my parental figures, plus only knowing them for a year-ish. any advice from foster parents/other teens in similar situations?

This community is so wonderful! I have gone through a bunch of it but these questions I havent found an answer to yet.

We have a 10yo staying with us. So far, smooth sailing. I'm new at this though and second guessing everything.

Bedtime - Do you check in on your kiddos overnight? He gets settled down very nicely and so far as I know stays in his room overnight. I know he has woken up in the night but it hasn't been disruptive - he told me one morning that he "needed a task for his brain" one night so he put together a small lego set, then went back to sleep. I sleep heavily though so if I should be poking my head in, I want to set alarms and such to make sure it happens.

Allowance - he wants to do chores in exchange for money to save up, I would rather do chores with each other and give him an allowance (maybe with bonuses for extra stuff). Thoughts on a reasonable "rate"? This would be his "fun money", he came to us with essentially nothing so right now clothes, shoes, even toys are necessities I take care of, in my opinion.

Bonus question - he's obsessed with Five Nights at Freddy's so any suggestions for books that would scratch that itch without being too scary would be great.

Our 17 year old foster but soon to be adopted son wants his 18 year old girlfriend to sleepover. We are on the fence. Normally I would say no because it feels inappropriate, however given what he has been through and how respectfully he is approaching the issue we are tempted to say yes. He has come SO far in his maturity and stability, and additionally he is infertile due to a medical condition so we are not worried about unplanned pregnancy occurring. When I talk to parents of bio kids they don’t seem to get how much more complex of a yes or no this is for a foster kid. Just two years ago he was in shootouts in the park, never home and bouncing from placement to placement. Now he is fully off the streets, going to school for the first time, no sneaking out or drugs or any bad behaviors at all really. He’s reached a good point of stability that we want to reward but I am just really torn on the idea, it feels too permissive, like we are just letting him do whatever. We like the girl and her parents are ok with the idea. Curious to know what you all think and/or what else we should consider.

I'm considering bringing the idea of fostering up to my partner, but I'm not 100% sure I know enough about it to even do that. I've been in social work in the behavioral healthcare field for about fifteen years, but I've mainly worked with adults, not kids.

I do know if we do decide to do this, I'd lean strongly towards providing emergency respite care to adolescents whose carers need a break and who need a safe place for the kids too.

What would y'all say is the top five to ten most important questions for us to answer to know if this would be beneficial to the kids to have us as carers, even short term.

(PS: I do have trauma informed care training and practice as a mental health professional in the US. I have also already (informally, not legally yet) adopted two of my son's friends as teens when they needed a safe place to stay and a safe mom to be loved by, so I can absolutely love children with trauma and behavioral issues like my two new kids. They were both in foster situations and the court just kind of...didn't care(?) that they were staying with me the last year of high school so I could make sure they graduated.)

I super appreciate any assistance. I am new to using reddit for anything beyond reading nosleep, so if I'm doing anything wrong by posting this, I'd love to know what I did and (if not obvious ofc!) the reason it's not allowed please? (Like, is it breaking a rule, or maybe there's a folder or page or something I can go to in order to teach myself that I missed?) Thanks!!!!!

Received a text that says:

“Good afternoon! My name is (bleep) with (bleep) Adoption & Foster Care Services. I am the assigned CSR worker for (child 1), (child 2), and (child 3). I was hoping to schedule something time to see them this month, as well as to meet with you and (your husband) to discuss the CSR unit of service, its purpose, and what visit schedules and activities will likely look like. Would you all be available on 7/15? It is a Wednesday. I would likely be looking around 5pm. I could also do sometime in the AM (around 11am) if you would be available in the morning. Let me know your thoughts and availability. I look forward to hearing from you and working with you! Thank you and have a wonderful day!”

Does that mean they’ll start matchmaking these kids to other families if we do not take guardianship or adopt? Will they try to keep all 3 together? I’m so confused, never heard of this person. I will follow up later today during business hours, but was curious if anyone here had any insight? They are my nieces and nephew - been in our care for over a year. Mom just got out of jail last month and we now do weekly visits and are taking small steps towards reuniting.

Hello!
We just started our licensing with Indiana DCS and are hoping to adopt from Kentucky DCBS.
The cost of hiring an attorney doesn’t bother us, but in our situation (public adoption), is an attorney helpful? And what would their role be?
Just want this to go as smoothly as possible for all involved!
Thank you!!

(throwaway account, also this is my husband and I's first foster placement so I am not well versed in the laws around that) We've had her for three weeks now. She has been in the system her whole life, even adopted by her aunt, but aunt gave her up. She was with a nice family for a while but she was sexually abused during visits by bio mom and bio mom's boyfriend. She disclosed to the nice family she was with around December 2025, mom and BF were arrested in April. Mom is unable to make bail, but I just learned today that BF made bail so he is OUT. I was told he lives in the same town as us, with his mother. I looked on white pages for him and his mom and his address is 3 BLOCKS AWAY, the same address is listed as his mother's previous address. I will have a meeting with the case worker tomorrow. I am wondering how I should bring this up? what can they do if anything? Would I get in trouble for using white pages? Is there not a law that he should not be able to be within a certain range of my foster daughter?

Three years ago a young couple in their late twenties got a 16 y/o emaciated kid who'd been through more foster homes than he can count. One juvenile PO, two toxic/abusive relationships, three ambulance rides, four suicide attempts, and countless intoxicated hospital visits later he's officially an adult. He rents the basement suite in our house now. Employed, sober, finished treatment, a talented musician, in a healthy relationship, taking care of his own cat, can cook and clean for himself, and has a good relationship with his bio family and culture. He jokes around that we are gonna kick him out or start beating him now he isn't our foster kid anymore. I told him today that now he's officially an adult and no longer our foster kid we officially still love him. Celebrated his birthday with his bio family altogether.

He was our first foster child. We've had 5 come and go through our doors since then but he always stayed. We knew he belonged the day he arrived. Now my boy is all grown up and I couldn't be prouder of him. The system failed him in absolutely every way but we didn't fail him and he didn't fail himself. I know everything won't be smooth sailing now obviously but he is a part of our family and we will be there for him as long as he needs it.

So in case you're unsure whether to become a foster parent or to take that older teenager, try it. It might fail but you never know. If it's a desire of your heart and you have the determination to see it through success stories exist as well. We had no idea what we were doing when they dropped him off to us but somehow we muddled our way through it. I'm so freaking proud of him and of us. We did it. There's more to go but the first leg of the journey is officially completed.

hi, i'm a woman in my early 20s so nowhere near fostering, but i feel very strongly about young pregnant girls needing a safe space since i feel like the medical system doesn't advocate for pregnant women at all, let alone teens (i did my final essay for one of my classes on this)

i was curious if placements can tell social workers/agencies that they want to take in pregnant teens, or is it just something you're asked about on the spot? i know the overturning of roe v wade made the situation a lot worse, but what are their rights in terms of abortion and medical advocacy?

i wanted to see if anyone has any reliable sources or orgs to look into? i'm ofc open to hearing personal stories if anyone's comfortable sharing, but any link or name of resources i can check out on my own is good too

i hope it's okay to ask this here and that's the correct flair but totally understand if not, thank you in advance

We got a call for a sibling placement before we even heard that we were approved. 3 year old girl and her (just turned)1 year old brother.

We accepted and the next day they were here. They are great kids. 1 year old sleeps terribly even though we were told they both sleep through the night. The 3 year old needs so much attention. She needs to know what we are doing every moment of every day, even if it’s just bringing something to the kitchen or going to the bathroom. There are some difficult behaviours for sure but the main issue I’m having is that our biological daughter (4) and the 3 year old fight over EVERYTHING. They actually do have fun together and giggle a lot but like 80% of the day is spent bickering. They are very close in age so I’m sure that’s the main issue. We’ve had to buy doubles of everything that my daughter has because they fought over everything. (Swings, craft scissors, water bottles, fridge magnets even)

These kids have been through so much and we just want to do our best for them but I guess I’m just looking for advice if anyone has any about bio/placement who are close in age and how to smooth this transition for both.

It’s been extremely overwhelming for us, the kids, and my daughter. I know we can make it work to help these kids but just looking for some positive stories to inspire in the meantime!!

Hi,
My daughters children have been placed in foster care with family members.

As a grandfather do I have any rights to see my grandchildren without cpa or foster parents supervising?

I’m trying to track down the best ways to directly reach young adults (ages 18–21) in Montgomery County, Ohio who have recently emancipated or aged out of foster care.

There is an active county funding stream available right now to fully cover vocational/trade training and housing support for them. Reaching this demographic after they exit the system is incredibly tough, and many miss out simply because they don't know the money exists.

Aside from official avenues like the downtown Youth Resource Center or the Bridges program, I need grassroots, street-level leads:

• Where do these young adults actually gather or seek resources in the Dayton area? (e.g., specific drop-in centers, grassroots non-profits, food pantries, or housing programs)
• Are there local independent advocate groups or digital networks (FB groups, Discord, etc.) where I can share this?
• If you aged out locally, what resource or location actually reached you when you needed it most?

I want to make sure this funding doesn't sit idle when it could be building careers. Any connections or organizational leads are greatly appreciated. Thanks!