r/Fosterparents

I just had 4 grandkids ages 15,14,13 and 12 placed with me 10 days ago. I am doing everything for dcfs doing official Kinship placement and then certifying as a foster parent. We are in GA. I have reached out to churches etc to assist me in getting them set up as they didnt have much of anything. They watched their father and step mother get arrested and they are the ones that called 911. Im trying to navigate everything and help them get the things they need and want. I have to get the medical info for appointments and everything else. Besides the case worker, what else should I be doing to create the village i so desperately need at this point. I work from home so i dont have really any help if that makes sense. I am doing all i can to help rhe kids feel loved and safe.

I dont want to fail them and could use some advice. Thank you in advance for reading!

My husband is an ED attending. He met a child (11) psych patient in the ER 9 months ago. She has some mental health issues (won't say more to protect her privacy).

Shes been on the peds unit for 9 months waiting for a group home or foster home. Cannot be discharged because CPS can't find a home for her. My husband wants to bring her home. I don't know what the ethics of all this would look like? I'm a social worker for adult psych so dual relationships are not allowed but are relationships in medicine different?

I posted a bit about the situation in the emergency medicine sub.

I am a parent of a child in foster care.

My son is a toddler and was placed into foster care. The case is unnecessarily complex and doesn't really pull the totality of the circumstances into play.

I am rather defensive that these decisions were made that weren't in his best interest, truly.

The foster mom is mocking at best.

They took him out of the medical system he's been in since he was born and is taking him to doc in a box that I wouldn't refer a homeless person to.

They said that his main doctors are too far for regular visits

She made dietary changes without a doctors consent or approval. She let it slip she removed gluten and dairy from his diet not knowing he's already been tolerating both. When questioned, she said a doctor suggested it. (This is the only appointment I haven't attended because I was told it was a weight check only)

When I asked her that a doctor told her to, she stammered that it was lightly suggested.

She took him to the ER once and I wasn't even notified until after discharge.

She is trying to correlate him eating yogurt with puking and saying he's dairy sensitive. She claims the ER doctor told her my son needed a scope. I told them I wouldn't be signing off on that until I've spoken to a doctor and we've gone over everything and it is not normal.

The caseworker and her both agreed it was very normal.

When we talked to the GI specialist, the foster mom tried to explain why he needed the scope scheduled and the dr was like "I'm not going to schedule a scope that you say a random ER doc said he needs" and she tried to pull her crap and the dr straight up told her that all of the things she was concerned about seemed to be a mechanical issue and a scope would be very far down on the list of things.

He'd already had a full evaluation and passed a swallow study. When she tried to defend the dietary changes, the doctor shut her down and said none of the symptoms suggested an allergy or intolerance. And that he should be seen in the feeding clinic to check for behavior feeding issues first.

She sulked in the corner and gave sharp retorts. The doctor looked her squarely and said "You look like you're not satisfied with the answer" and she scoffed she wasn't medically trained and that she didn't know.

She wanted him to have a follow up scheduled before they left. And when we went to go get the details, they had run out the door and not done the follow up. When later asked about the follow up, they claimed they were waiting for a call back

The specialist wanted him to go the feeding clinic there and she said it was too far for her. Isn't this her job?

She has kissed my child in front of me. She talked about something else related to the diet and we explained that's why he was getting special food and that WIC didn't cover it. She said if we wanted, we could buy it and give it to her. I am not going to give details on what it is, but it us necessary and not an indulgence or a preference of ours. I stated she was getting stipends for them and she shrugged and said she had other expenses.

He's shown up to visits and the worker was told to pass along that he had a dirty diaper and it needed to be changed and they knew this before he was sent to the visit.

I once saw her with a really nasty bruise on her arm that looked like someone had grabbed her hard.

Due to some jurisdiction things, the office was going to be moved to be closer to us. I mentioned to her about how then they could transfer the kids to a family near us, the office and his doctors and she rolled her eyes mid sentence and scoffed at me and said they wouldn't do that.

I explained how it would be beneficial to the kids and to us, especially since they'll be going back to the health care system they were in before and it was best for him. She clicked her tongue and shrugged her shoulders and seemed to be deliberately ignoring me as I was still tallking.

Honestly she doesn't care about my son. He's just a paycheck to her.

We've attended every visit, every appointment but the one weight check, are engaged and involved and we just want our family whole again. We're getting a new case worker and supervisor but he's on medical leave still and they don't know when he'll be back and we'll be having the supervisor do visits with us.

We have no criminal history, no pending charges, just a situation that was completely misunderstood and blown out of proportion. There's no abuse present. I don't use physical means of punishment such as spanking.

She honestly just sickens and enrages me and I don't know what to do. I feel as the parent, they won't care about what I have to say or how she treats him, or even lesser, me.

I can deal with being disrespected or not being taken seriously, but this is my son and I can only imagine how she treats him when we're not there. I can't protect him from her or whatever else is going on over there. She gives me a bad feeling for many reasons.

Edit: She also hasn't been taking him to speech therapy that he was already in. And just other little things that add up.

Even before he was cleared, she was already trying to stop doing the weight checks and didn't want to be taking him in because she said it was too frequent.

Hello all, not sure where to ask this so giving a shot here. We fostered my husbands 2 nephews almost three years ago and around a year in we decided to go with guardianship as we knew his sister would not sign for adoption. We felt this was the safest choice as she already petitioned once to get them back but did not meet all qualifications. This time around she is petitioning again to get the kids back but we feel that they have established well here and that if they were to go back, their quality of living would be lowered and they would not be safe. Has anyone had to deal with this situation? There are so many unknowns right now and it’s just very anxiety inducing as they have bonded to my husband and I so well the past almost 3 years. The first time she petitioned we thought the boys would go back but she was denied. Then gaurdianship became our normal. How many times can a parent petition? Is it common for guardianship to be released quickly? FYI the reason they are in our care had to do with SA so can’t go into detail.

For context im the youngest of 3 siblings and mostly its just me and my parents because my siblings are both adults and moved out. So ive been used to that quiet lifestyle.

This career would help my mom a lot, she would be home more often, she would not have to wake up at every morning 5am and come back at 4pm, she would be able to get stuff done etc. and i support her in finally getting what she wants. But the feeling of having another child here (she's mostly thinking of 3-4 yr old's) is annoying, weird and different. I know i kinda sound like a bad person but its not the thought of helping kids that is bugging me but the different lifestyle that will effect me too.

My mom would not make me share a room or take care of the child, but im still eh about the thought of it and like how my lifestyle if rn.

Hi.

We have had our FD (12yr) for almost 18 months and are in the process of disrupting. My question is, should we pack her stuff for her so that it is ready to go when we break the news or (if possible) allow her to participate in packing? I don't know if the lack of control outweighs the trauma of packing herself up.

We are intending to tell her in therapy tomorrow and placement will either come pick her up in the evening or the following morning.

Thanks!

I have two foster sons, both teenagers. I live in a pretty wealthy urban neighborhood, while both of my kids came from very poor rural communities and completely different families. TPR has happened for both.

I've been doing my best to maintain family connections for one of them, which sometimes means driving 4.5 hours so he can see family. This weekend I was taking him down to spend the weekend with his brother and his brother's adoptive family. My newer foster son, who is 16, came along.

We made a weekend of it and dropped one kid off and spent a couple days with my brother, niece and nephew in the little Indiana town where I grew up.

The night before we were leaving to pick up my other son, my newer kid asked me a little tentatively if it would be possible to drive through the town where he had lived as a child. He wanted to see his old house and elementary school.

He was removed about six years ago. The removal was apparently pretty abrupt, his mom is no longer there, and he's had a rough six years since. We have painfully few foster homes willing to take teenage boys, so he's bounced around a lot.

He still knew the address...it was just an hour out of our way so we went.

I'm still processing the experience myself. The town was incredibly desolate. We found his old house, and he decided he wanted to knock on the neighbor's door. An older woman answered. I believe she may have been one of the people who originally called DCFS.

She recognized him and openly wept when she saw him standing there.

The current owners of his old house came out. They knew some of the story secondhand and wanted to meet him. When they bought the property, they had found a bunch of his childhood toys still there and his name scribbled on the wall.

They showed me photographs of what the house looked like when they bought it.

It was not habitable.

I knew, intellectually, that this kid had been removed from a very bad situation. I've read the paperwork and heard pieces of the story. But actually standing there and seeing where this sweet little kid had been living was something entirely different. I haven't quite been able to shake those pictures.

We got back in the car and talked for probably three hours. He told me essentially the entire story of what happened back then, but from his perspective. I think physically seeing the place again, now as a 16-year-old, helped him put some pieces together. He could see the house. He could see the town.

Driving home, I couldn't stop thinking that I've been given this really wonderful opportunity: I get to be the person sitting next to him while he figures out what his story means to him now. My other son has special needs and it's been sad for me to understand what his adult life is probably going to be like, but I feel like the new kid is going to have a real shot at life.

Earlier this year my (55F) niece (21F) Jenny asked if she could move in with me and my daughter (18F). She had just aged out of foster care and didn’t have anywhere else to go. My daughter Emma was not happy about it. The cousins didn’t have much of a relationship before. Jenny experienced a fair amount of trauma from her terrible parents. I don’t know much about her foster placement. When she arrived, Jenny had odd habits, like staying awake for most of the night loudly playing video games with online friends. Jenny also has ADHD so she might do things like leave the front door unlocked or the oven on. Emma got increasingly frustrated first asking then telling Jenny to keep the loud talking down. Things came to a head several months later when Emma said something like I wish you didn’t live here anymore. Jenny lost it. They called each other names, then Jenny lunged at Emma and beat her. Emma called the police and filed for a temporary restraining order (TRO). They had some distance: Jenny stayed with some other family and Emma was out of town on a few pre planned trips. But soon they will be back in the same house. I don’t trust them together even though the TRO forbids them from coming within 4 yards of each other in the house and from communicating with each other in any way. I think Jenny crossed a line by getting physically violent and I would like her to leave. The problem is, Jenny has no job, is not in contact with her parents and functions at the level of a 13 or 14 YO. I have nowhere to take her but am looking for supportive transitional housing for former foster youth. The thing is, these lists are long and she may not get housing before she ages out of eligibility completely. I’m at my wit’s end and could use some advice.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

I went down to DSS. I switched over to them from another company because the other company said no access to interpreters. (i am Deaf). DSS still no interpreter. They said next time they will have one. I was very frustrated but at least everything is in. I did orientation. I need a letter feom them to section 8 so i can move to a 2 bedroom.

But seriously how does the government not get ADA?

We have two (of seven) kids who were removed from their home two weeks ago. Their mother was placed under arrest with several felony child abuse with serious injury charges. The charges will almost certainly be reduced. We have had a relationship (we've taken the to church and occasionally other activities) with the kids (15M/12F) for about a year and they are comfortable in our home and with us, though there are significant differences (we are in our 60s, we are white and they are black). We, however, offer a stable, financially and emotionally secure rock solid home and we would be willing to keep the kids at least for the school year, probably longer, as kinship foster parents. As the kids are mature, they would be the most likely candidates to be the first returned to the mother unless her legal charges stick (she has only a public defender). Tomorrow's meeting will bring together us, the socialworker, the kids and possibly other relatives to create a plan for the family. What should we expect? What should we tell the kids to do? Our only concern is they get put in the best total situation for them. I want them to be prepared for the meeting though.

TW: miscarriage

Bio Mum and Dad have visits with my 3yo foster child each week. A few months ago, I found out bio mum was pregnant but not long after I was told that she miscarried.

Last week they gave my 3yo a jumper that had “forever sleeping” and then the name and also a reference to being a big sister. My FC had no idea Mum was even pregnant and the jumper has left her so confused. Mum and Dad call it her “sissy jumper” so she keeps asking me about where her sister is and when she can see her.

I have no idea how to broach this subject in an age appropriate way. I think because she didn’t know about the pregnancy she hasn’t really comprehended what the jumper means since she found out the same day that she even had a sister coming.

She’s also about to move to a long term placement and I know the carers have miscarried before and I’m so worried the jumper will unexpectedly trigger them. Should I warn them about the jumper? Is there anything else I can do?

To top it all off, bio Mum is pregnant once again and there’s no chance of them keeping it (or getting the 3yo back) unless they do a massive 180. Visits are getting dropped to monthly next week and she’s looking at adoption with the new family. I’m just a short term carer and not an adoptive house but I still want to support her through this so any help is appreciated!!

Single foster parent with my first placement. It's only respite, she is scheduled to go home next Friday.

The first two nights my FD (11y/o) had anxiety at bed time and ended up sleeping in a tent on the floor (with a cushion under her and blankets). Both nights I went to bed before she fell asleep. I told her she could sleep anywhere in the room as long as a)she stayed in the room and b) she slept.

Last night same thing, except this morning I found her sleeping downstairs on the couch with the TV on.

She had said she usually falls asleep to rh TV, but I won't put one in her room. I gave her a sound machine, but apparently that wasn't enough.

What do you suggest? Enforce her sleeping in the bedroom? How to keep her from sneaking down in the middle of the night?

She's a good kid, and she didn't make a mess or ear a bunch of junk or anything. Just turned on cartoons. I don't know how long she was up watching tv, but it'a the weekend, so I'm less worried about that.

Edited to add: what I am worried about is her impulsivity. Who knows what she'll get a wild hair about and get into. Her mom also lives less than a mile from me, and she knows how to walk there. She hasn't shown signs of wanting to sneak out, but it's in the back of my mind.

My sibling is struggling with addiction, and the conversation is starting about who takes my niece. The assumption, without any consultation, is that I will "step up" because I am the "most stable" in the immediate family. No questions asked.

​I have a demanding, career-focused life. I value my quiet time, my travel, and my ability to control my schedule. Taking her in would be a complete derailment of the path I have built for myself.

​The cultural expectation is complete sacrifice. I just feel like I should have a choice in how I dedicate my life. Am I a bad person for wanting to keep my career and my peace? When did we decide that kinship care is an automatic, mandatory obligation that supercedes personal goals and happiness? I’m struggling with the huge pressure to just say yes, but my whole being is screaming no. How do I navigate this shift from mandatory duty to personal choice without being a pariah?

My foster daughter (14) has been with me 2.5 years. TPR happened in Nov. in march/April her therapist mentioned that she was going to be moved to the adoption portal. Her caseworker hadn’t told her this and she had a physical reaction to it. She said she didn’t tell them she wanted to be adopted so why did were they going to move her over? We talked a bit about how she didn’t give them answers when they asked her if she wanted me to adopt her. She said exactly so nothing should change. Since then she’s avoided the question or said she didn’t care what happens. We haven’t moved forward for various other factors in her case but I told her caseworker and her casa that I would not adopt her unless she said yes. (I would love to adopt her but not against her will)

We are rapidly approaching the shift to the adoption side of things. Her caseworker is kinda pushing adoption. Her CASA called today and we had a conversation that left me shaken up. She mentioned adoption workers tend to be a lot more pushy and take what the kids want into account even less. She said she’s had adoption workers move kids from homes they were comfortable in or threaten to in an attempt to get them adopted by their current family. She said she’s would work to keep that from happening but that she can’t always stop those things. She said she’s met maybe 3 adoption workers that are nice and listen to the kids.

I’m so terrified that she is going to be moved from the most stable home she’s ever known because she doesn’t want to be adopted. I don’t understand why this is such a big thing. She doesn’t want it. Why can’t we just stay the way we are if she’s safe and stable. She’s made such progress toward her future and has such big plans. Im so worried they’ll set her back by possibly moving her.

We are in Texas and I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with this or has alternatives? I love this kid and would sign the papers in a heartbeat if that’s what she wanted but I will not force this on her.

I am a single guy in my late fifties. I am fostering my 3 teenage nieces and 11 year old nephew. I have had them for almost 2 years now. The girls father died of an overdose, and nephews father is in prison. They were taken from my sister and she has relinquished rights. I had agreed to adopt them all. The older 2 girls are just going to foster out for the extra benefits. The youngest girl wants me to adopt and I agreed. Nephew just wants his mom. I am struggling to say yes to adopting him. I asked them to give me the summer to see how it goes. They are pressing me to adopt since it has been 2 years. They want everything finalized by November. I may not even have the heart to say no but its tough. He is a challenge with behavior issues and it is daunting to me looking at our ages. I am also afraid of the financial aspect. Would I be out of bounds to ask for more time to make a decision? Even up to a year? Could it do more harm than good to be on the fence? I am really losing sleep and feeling stressed about it.

Hello, I been thinking about removing my foster child from my home and I believe it’s the best for the child and myself. Here is the situation:

I have a 17 year old foster son. Been in the home for 6 months now. There’s times where he talks back to me and lies, but I always makes sure he feels heard and validated because he did have a really hard life. So it’s not because of his behavior, I understand foster kids usually go through difficult situations and can affect their behavior. Here’s the hard part, he was placed with me on emergency placement and he requires lots of support. Educational, mental, and medical support. When I said yes, I didn’t realize he needed all of this. I still continue to try and give him the support he needs. But as a working mother, it’s been very stressful. My schedule conflicts with his and my workload prevents me from getting everything done including the support he needs. I try my best to get him to be on the right track but he simply doesn’t want the help. He says he doesn’t want to be here and wants to be an adult already. In order for this situation to work so he can be here, I have to play uber 5 days out the week due to the amount of stuff we have to get done. I’m frustrated right now because one of the programs he’s in never talks to me about a good time to meet, they talk to him only and then I hear from him last minute which usually we can’t do because of our complex schedule. I’ve expressed this to them and him, but each time it never gets brought to my attention. Just one of the tiny things that make this situation a bit harder. I’m about to do more hours at my job and I don’t know how I’m going to manage to balance all the appointments and tutoring that he needs. I truly don’t think I can give him the proper support he needs right now. Can someone please give me advice ? I don’t want go give up on him but also I can’t give him what needs. Overall, it’s a conflict of time and my schedule. Again, when he first came into the home, it wasn’t like this. Then things kept getting added and now I’m at that point where it’s conflicting.

Looking for some honest perspective from other foster parents.
We currently have a young child who has been with us for several weeks. I want to be clear that the child themselves isn't really the reason we're considering disruption. We knew fostering would come with behaviors, adjustment issues, and difficult days. We're not expecting an easy placement, and we don't feel like we've reached this point because of normal child behaviors.
The bigger problem has been the lack of communication and follow-through when significant things happen.
There have been several situations where we've needed information, clarification, or follow-up from the people involved in the case. Some things eventually get handled, but we're often left waiting or having to reach out repeatedly.
More recently, there was a concerning incident at school involving the child and another child that crossed a boundary we found particularly concerning. We reported it to the appropriate people, but we received essentially no follow-up afterward. No real discussion about what happened, what was being done about it, or whether there were additional considerations we should be making.
That incident also made us stop and think about future placements in our home. If we were to accept another child around the same age, we would have a responsibility to consider whether the existing circumstances could potentially put that child in a vulnerable or high-risk situation. That's not something we're willing to ignore or simply hope won't happen again.
Again, the child's behavior itself isn't what we're unable to handle. We can handle difficult days, behaviors, adjustment periods, and children who have experienced trauma. What we're struggling with is being responsible for managing significant situations while receiving very little communication or follow-up from the professionals involved.
We've communicated our concerns multiple times and tried to work through things as they came up. Eventually, we decided to request a disruption and submitted that request recently.
At the same time, we're being considered for two children whose current placement is ending. We had actually been discussing those children before we made the decision about our current placement, so this isn't a situation where we're trying to remove one placement simply to make room for another.
We heard about the children's needs and challenges and still felt that we could potentially provide a good home. We understand that a transition is going to be difficult, and we're willing to work through that. Our concern isn't “We don't want difficult children.” It's more “We need to know that the adults responsible for supporting a placement will actually communicate with us when significant things happen.”
I'm struggling with whether we're being reasonable in saying that we don't want to continue our current placement when the child themselves isn't necessarily the problem, but the lack of communication, follow-up, and ability to confidently assess risk for future placements has become exhausting.

For those of you who foster: Would this be considered a legitimate reason to request a disruption? How would you expect your agency to respond when the primary issue is not the child's behavior, but the lack of communication and follow-up surrounding significant incidents?

I genuinely want honest opinions, including if you think we're approaching this wrong.

I just wanted a place to share this with parents who care about the kids they take care of.

I'm not a foster parent or a foster child. I grew up in a not so good household where CPS was called a lot, but nothing was done. My living situation frequently changed a lot, with being babysat by other relatives or my grandparents kicking my mom out to live in hotels with her boyfriend. I have been kicked out and lived with my other parent, and have also been treated badly there and left temporarily, then was forced to go back.

Now I'm 19 years old and I live with my best friend's family who are great and I'm very happy.

So, today, I learned the importance of being around regulated adults.

Yesterday, I backed into my co-workers car by accident. My co-worker wasn't mad and there were just a few scratches. My car took most of the damage. I was so so anxious about what my friend's dad would say, even though it was my car and it wouldn't impact him.

I was scared and started questioning if I was gonna be kicked out or if I was just a failure and started to tell myself this is why my parents didn't want me, etc, etc. Just bad anxiety.

I told my best friend's dad and he was completely calm. He said it happens. He checked out the damage and said it was an easy fix. Then he talked about regular stuff and continued the day.

It felt like all my anxiety vanished.

All I could think about was how mad my dad would be and how much trouble I'd be in. Even though I don't live with my dad anymore, all I could feel was shame and anxiety about the mistake I made

I never realized how important an adult being calm is until I experienced it. I know it sounds silly, but it reminds me of when a toddler trips and they look at their parents to gage how they feel. I thought as an adult, I wouldn't look to other people about how to feel about a situation, but I learned from this I do more than I think; I just lived in anxiety for so long I didn't realize.

This is meant to be a positive story :) I'm happy I'm here now. I just wanted to share this so some foster parents know how good they're going when they're calm and how much of a difference it can make

I was a foster parent that fostered two half siblings for 6 years I'll call "Jen" and "May" (not their real names). The Child Services Placement desk insisted they had no where to go and needed to stay together as siblings.

When I got them I found they had been being raised seperately in their bio homes. Their personalities were complete opposites and they often argued. Basically Placement lied.

They stayed with me for 6 year. I kept taking them to visit their bio mom and hoping she could get custody back. She was doing a lot of work and they both missed her. The caseworkers kept being changed or leaving CPS all together. We went through 6 caseworkers. Both kids had behavioral issues but we worked with them and took them to therapy.

At 6 years parental rights ended up being terminated. The latest caseworker told us their Mom never had a chance at regaining custody. Us, the kids, and bio Mom were lied to so many times by the caseworkers. At this point the caseworker asked us to adopt them both and we said ok.

Except when Jen and May were told they had complete opposite reactions. Jen was happy to be adopted but May lost her mind. May said she didn't want to be adopted and had a mental meltdown over a period of 6 months. She screamed non stop, threw things, had episodes of psychosis, and did so much property damage we struggled to deal with it financially.

The caseworker refused to allow us to seek proper therapy or give May the option to live with us but not be adopted. We were told if May needed a new placement we could still adopt Jen. But the minute we agreed to that the caseworker yanked Jen and May claiming "sibling bond can't be broken". They had lied to us again. We never even allowed to say goodbye to Jen.

They told it us it was in Jen's best interest. However, Jen was always anxious and afraid to be seperated from us even for school. It's been years now and I tried to tell myself maybe they were better off in the adoptive home.

Recently, I found out the adoptive home is controlling, mentally abusive, engaged in religious extremism, has isolated them, failed to send them to school until May was held back, the Dad is an alcoholic, and CPS investigated them. The adoptive family is living off of foster adoption stipends. The adoptive Dad works minimum wage jobs and quits on the regular.

I am beside myself in finding this. I'm so upset! We wanted them to have good lives. Jen will be 18 in a couple years. I'm wondering if I should reach out to her at 18 and see if she needs any help or wants to stay with us? I'm assuming May wouldn't want to hear from us.

Maybe too many years will have passed? Maybe they both resent us for not adopting May? Or have grown up being falsely told we rejected them? I don't know what to do. Opinions appreciated. Has anyone here reached out to adult foster kids and if so how did it turn out?