u/Honest_Paramedic1625

My foster daughter (14) has been with me 2.5 years. TPR happened in Nov. in march/April her therapist mentioned that she was going to be moved to the adoption portal. Her caseworker hadn’t told her this and she had a physical reaction to it. She said she didn’t tell them she wanted to be adopted so why did were they going to move her over? We talked a bit about how she didn’t give them answers when they asked her if she wanted me to adopt her. She said exactly so nothing should change. Since then she’s avoided the question or said she didn’t care what happens. We haven’t moved forward for various other factors in her case but I told her caseworker and her casa that I would not adopt her unless she said yes. (I would love to adopt her but not against her will)

We are rapidly approaching the shift to the adoption side of things. Her caseworker is kinda pushing adoption. Her CASA called today and we had a conversation that left me shaken up. She mentioned adoption workers tend to be a lot more pushy and take what the kids want into account even less. She said she’s had adoption workers move kids from homes they were comfortable in or threaten to in an attempt to get them adopted by their current family. She said she’s would work to keep that from happening but that she can’t always stop those things. She said she’s met maybe 3 adoption workers that are nice and listen to the kids.

I’m so terrified that she is going to be moved from the most stable home she’s ever known because she doesn’t want to be adopted. I don’t understand why this is such a big thing. She doesn’t want it. Why can’t we just stay the way we are if she’s safe and stable. She’s made such progress toward her future and has such big plans. Im so worried they’ll set her back by possibly moving her.

We are in Texas and I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with this or has alternatives? I love this kid and would sign the papers in a heartbeat if that’s what she wanted but I will not force this on her.

Recently my FD (14) mentioned she still had the clothes one of her siblings had been wearing when they were removed. I asked her about it as that sibling and her have been separated since coming into care. She told me they’d been taken to a home together the first night, and she’d put the clothes in her bag before bed. When she woke up her three younger siblings had been moved to another home and she was told she was being moved to another place. There’s a significant age gap between her and the three younger ones, so she often took care of them. I’m so angry at CPS. I can’t imagine the trauma of being removed from your home, but on top of that she woke up the next morning to the babies she cared for just gone. I cannot believe they moved them without even waking her or letting her say good bye.

Of course she’s held on to the clothes for 3 years; they were all she had. I suggested we make them into a bear keepsake for her and she agreed. Thankfully the three little ones foster parents want to keep the sibling bond and we get to see them semi regularly (we live hours away from each other) and we do birthdays together. The grief of their separation has been weighing on me lately. I hate that they “get to see” each other rather than it just being a given. I’m just sad and frustrated for them. I love my FD and saying good bye would absolutely wreck me, but I hate that she has to be separated from them. Unfortunately neither home is equipped to take the other siblings (partially because of age gaps and space and specific child needs). Finding a different adoptive home is not only unlikely, but at this point would be more traumatic for them. The reality that imperfect stability has to be taken over the vague chance of perfection is the reality of foster care, but it grieves me deeply.