u/goodfeelingaboutit

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

All of the emotions... Is anyone else in this phase? This is our 5th long term placement to leave. I really hate this part. Some days are fine, other days like today I feel really emotional and I don't feel like doing the things I need to do. We have the ambiguity of not yet knowing when she is leaving; it should be in the next 3-4 weeks but you know how that goes, it could be next week, it could drag out for a couple of months while details get sorted out.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

We've had a handful of teens but each youth and situation is unique. I feel like I'm struggling with navigating where we are currently at.

WINS

Our long term FD18 has started her first job. It's more than a job, it's the beginning of a career of her choosing. She's genuinely thriving in it AND earning more than your average teen. She says she's going to save 100% of her paychecks and purchase a reliable car with it, which we applaud. She has also made a few new friends at work. They're a little older (nothing inappropriate) and we're thrilled she's socializing. She typically only goes out 1x a month so now going out a few times a week is a big change.

CONCERNS

1. We're driving her back and forth to work daily PLUS now driving her back and forth to friends'. Occasionally a friend will give her a ride but not often. I don't know if they aren't willing or if she doesn't want to ask. Plus we have taken her a few times to visit extended bio family 2 hours away recently. We are really burnt out on the driving. It's especially complicated since it's summer and our other kids also have activities, and my spouse is working overtime right now. In the past, we drove our teens to and from work but they always found their own rides for socializing.

2. In the past, our teens were always motivated to start driving at 16 and got first jobs around the same time. We always had them pay the cost of carrying them on our auto insurance (typically $100-$150/month) until they were old enough to get their own policies. FD18 only got her driver's license a few months ago, and started working 2 months ago. We're hesitant to ask her to pay her insurance cost because we want her to focus on saving money for a car. She's hinting she would like to borrow our vehicles and drive herself. We aren't really comfortable with that. We have only allowed it if it's to get to work and we aren't available. She's still a new driver, and she's already not contributing to the cost of insurance. We are worried that if she gets into a minor accident (as young people do) we'll be footing the bill. We do not want her driving our cars with friends or to visit friends.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

I'm struggling on how to set boundaries here. We definitely want to keep driving her back and forth to work, because that income is essential to her future. We've always been happy to drive her back and forth to friends' and families' homes whenever she's asked, but now that it's increased in frequency on top of work, it's really too much. She gets off work usually as I'm about to start dinner. Picking her up and bringing her home takes 20 minutes, nothing crazy. Then she wants to shower and have me drive her someplace right when I'm trying to get dinner on the table. Even if she waits until after dinner, I'm busy with cleaning up and the younger kids' bedtime routines. It's not a big deal occasionally but multiple times a week is frustrating.

I also need to figure out a plan we're both comfortable with regarding saving for a car and getting her own insurance. If she genuinely saves her money she should absolutely be able to afford a decent car before the end of the year. I have not had good luck with teens saving money and I want to set some kind of deadline - have your own car and car insurance by (date) or... Or what? No more rides? Do I charge her for rides and set the money aside for her car?

Edit to add: FD says she's going to save all of her earnings and use her allowance for spending money. She's already spent a small amount of her earnings so I don't know how this will go long term. My problem is, I pay my kids allowance based on doing their chores, and since she started working she's only done her chores half of the time. I can accept occasionally missing but not doing chores half the time is a lot. I guess I need to talk with her about whether or not she's able and willing to continue to do chores for an allowance.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

This is a chronic problem we've had with our older teen. She has been with us for 2.5 years and is a part of our family. We are pretty much all she has and we do love her dearly. But we have a problem and we've talked with her about it, with her worker, her therapist... And we're still struggling. Maybe someone here can offer me different advice idk

The problem is she nitpicks and micromanages. On a day-to-day basis it's tolerable but when we go out as a family it is stressful, and when we travel (which we do fairly regularly) it makes me crazy. She talks non-stop anyway (which is a different struggle for me because I value and need occasional quiet) but she is so nitpicky of everyone and everything. We are currently halfway through a two week vacation so we're all in close quarters for an extended period of time. She has her own private room at night though.

Just in the past hour or two she asked or told me, did I remember to lock the door, do the younger kids need a bedtime snack, where did that stain come from in the carpet, the bathroom floor is too slick for the kids to safely use. Her hair is too frizzy here. She's sweating too much. There isn't enough hot water here. She complained to one of the kids that he "stunk up the bathroom" after pooping. This has been a daily issue after someone uses the toilet and then she needs to. He says what do you want me to do about it? I told her to deal with it, it annoys me when she complains about that, I think it's mean. And a little ridiculous since she doesn't feel comfortable using public restrooms unless she absolutely has to because she doesn't want people hearing her use a toilet. We all poop and we're all sharing a bathroom.

It took me a minute to figure out how to unlock something. Within seconds she was asking if I needed help. It took me a minute to figure out how to turn something on. Within seconds she was asking if I needed help.

Every time I ask my younger kids a question, she interjects with an answer before they have time to think. I usually ignore her and re-ask the question of my child but she keeps doing it. And I've asked her privately to not interrupt when I'm trying to talk with them, they need to speak for themselves.

If I'm not around she bosses the kids around. She's trying to be helpful but it's not necessary and it's usually stuff I wouldn't be worrying about, like telling them to pick up, or start getting ready to leave, well before I would prompt them to do these things. And I don't need or want her to remind them to do these things and I've told her so before. She tattles on them constantly. I feel like that's kind of normal but not this much, an older teen sibling wouldn't care this much about the minor stuff little kids do When we eat out, I have to ensure she does not sit by either of my younger kids because she will make them and me insane with constantly correcting their table manners (which are annoying but age appropriate, they are high energy boys). This means I never get to sit next to my husband. It is a small thing but frustrating.

Every time I try to speak with my husband, she interjects. She has an opinion about everything.

When we're out and the tour guide and I are trying to speak, she interjects. This is a chronic issue with her, she just won't give people a chance to speak.

I really think this is part of her social issues - she has few friends and socializes 1-2x a month with peers.

We gave her the task of navigating through town using her phone as we thought she would enjoy it and I think she does. But she speed walks. I keep encouraging her, slow down, we're on vacation, there's no rush, we all need to take in the sights.

We had a very long day together and I was hoping she would go to her room after we got back to our lodging. My husband was reading, the little kids and I put on a kids' movie, and she sat down to watch it too and mostly kept trying to talk to me. I got up halfway through and sat outside because I just didn't want to hear the chatter. I enjoyed the peace and quiet but I would have preferred to quietly watch the movie and stay sitting next to my husband.

When I've talked with her about it, she says some of it is due to anxiety. I think there is some hypervigalence here too. She has PRN anxiety medication she occasionally uses (maybe 3-4x a week) and she said she's been taking it 1-2x a day while on vacation. So anxiety is certainly a part of it. She's asked me to let her know when she's being this way and honestly I don't know what to say, because as isolated things they are not a big deal and often she's trying to be helpful. But after several hours it's just being nitpicky and critical. I need to figure out a solution because I'm at a point where I dread dealing with it on vacation but I don't want to exclude her, she would be so deeply hurt.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can nicely talk with her about this in the morning? She naturally has a big personality, she loves to talk, and she has leadership qualities, and I don't want to quell these things but I really wish she would turn it down a few notches. Chill out and quit interrupting everyone

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.