27F Family Dynamics in Love Marriage — a Rant
I (27F) was in a 5 year relationship with (27M) in Canada. We were friends in India and immigrated as students and built a life together, moved in together, have 2 cats together, the whole deal.
He has an elder sister who is 1 year older than us. His family was looking for rishtas for her but nothing came out of it so far. Me and my family wanted us to get married this year, my family had been wanting this for awhile now and i felt confident in taking the next step in our relationship now. In the beginning of 2025, I talked to him about legally getting married in Canada and having an indian wedding later once his sister is married ( he and his family were concerned that it would reflect badly on his sisters prospects if we got married before her ). He agreed to said proposition, a few months later I told my parents about this arrangement as well and they were understanding and supportive considering this was the best option for everybody involved.
Fast forward to December of 2025, we had a vacation booked in Mexico and he had planned to propose on the trip. A week before the trip, he called his parents to let them know that he was proposing but they straight up told him not to. Instead of saying this is what we want and it wont affect his sister in anyway as well were going to keep it private, he just accepted them saying No and told me he cant do it. I was surprised and heartbroken because i thought he wouldve talked to them by now and told them about the legal marriage thing too but he hadnt.
Couple days later we both call his mom and chachi and I tell them respectfully that we have agreed to legally getting married married in canada and that my parents are supportive of it too because this is the middle ground. They said we understand your parents situation but best option for us is to wait and that they would try to convince my parents to wait as long as it takes for his sister to get married. I was not very happy with this response but i didnt escalate the conversation at that time.
Suddenly a few days later, my then boyfriend says he doesnt want to do the legal marriage anymore and that he wants to wait indefinitely for his sister to get married too. We had a huge fight, i felt abandoned and betrayed that he was going back on his word out of nowhere. I asked him why he had changed his mind and he told me he never wanted to do it, he was hoping his sister would be married by the end of the year and it wouldnt come to doing the legal marriage in the first place. He started telling me how his dad was very upset and told him that he would disown him if he did the legal marriage.
My parents then talked to his parents and honestly im really disappointed with how his parents handled it. They said they didnt know that we were in a relationship, they thought that it was a friendship only (they have called me bahu jokingly before). After a few days, he changed his mind and he tried to convince his parents to allow us to do the legal marriage, this went on for a week or two and then they found out we were sexually active and agreed to it out of obligation basically.
All this happened in December 2025- January 2026. Since then things were tense between me, my family and his parents (they are a joint family). I felt very unwelcome and unaccepted in his family. My experience of a proposal and marriage was now tainted with all this family drama and conflict and i felt unsettled internally because he betrayed my trust.
In February 2026, his sister finally found a match through arranged marriage and their marriage is now set in November of 2026. Me and him were supposed to go to india to attend so my parents thought it would be better to get our marriage done in india in December 2026 too. But his dad said they wont be able to handle 2 weddings financially. We thought if marriage is not feasible, we could have a smaller engagement ceremony this year and marriage later. I convinced my parents about only the engagement and they understood and agreed. My then boyfriend pitched this idea to his mom and chachi and they were onboard, they said they would talk to his dad too.
2 months had gone by and still there was no response from his dad about the “engagement decision”. His mom says shes trying to talk to him but hes busy and doesnt respond, he tried to talk to his dad through texts and calls but his dad was not responding. Me and my family were completely left in the dark, no communication whatsoever. I kept asking my now ex boyfriend if there was an update but he said No his dad is not responding everytime. At this point I am fed up of his dad ignoring this conversation and him not taking any initiative to make the situation any better. I asked him to change his approach and be more assertive about it, he got defensive and told me he cant do that. We had a very bad fight and he told me i dont know how to consider everybodys decision in a family and my family values were the issue and that he couldnt put anymore strain on his relationship with his family. I told him the problem was he has no boundaries with his parents. His parents also want him to settle down in india and I dont want to ever move back. He broke up with me in 2023 because of this issue and then came back 8 months later. I told him we could be together only if he wanted to stay in Canada because i was never going to move back. He said he was sure and he told his parents as well. Now that the marriage situation has come up, they were trying to convince him to come back to india again, he said No but they wouldnt listen.
After that fight, we broke up, I knew if i stayed in this relationship and got married, he would always please his family at the expense of my emotional wellbeing and that i wont tolerate a family dynamic where my decisions and opinions are not considered at all because only a man can make the final decision.
Now his dad is trying to call my parents and ask them that i dont end it because he has already told his relatives and that his reputation would be spoiled. My parents also asked his dad about why they were trying to convince him to come back to india knowing that we didnt want to come back and his dad lied that he was only talking about visiting for his sisters wedding. I have heard him say to my ex boyfriend “ Iss baar india aayega tab dhangse sochke aana ki tujhe kaha rehna hai, kisiki baatoan mein nahi aana hai hume” ( obviously saying i am influencing his decision).
I never thought that his family dynamic is what would end our relationship. I wasnt aware of it before too because they treated me well when i wasnt asking for something that they were against. Its just strange to see how quickly they all turned when they were asked to compromise a little. Indian women are always expected to sacrifice their needs to keep the peace at home but i refuse to be a part of a family that doesn’t consider me with any care or consideration.