u/BearBear1995

I’ve posted a lot about my own experience with RJ, but lately I’m experiencing something totally different. I’m experiencing RJ because of what one of my close friends is going through. He’s had feelings for another friend of ours for a long time. She’s never really been interested in him, but I get the impression that she might be starting to change her mind now that we’re all in our early thirties.

My close friend is very much like me. He isn’t a virgin, but he’s not the most experienced when it comes to dating. He’s had one girlfriend before, but that’s it. I think he’s got a lot of great qualities to offer, but we all know how hard dating can be. Our other friend has had a very different lived experience. Guys have always been interested in her, and she’s dated quite a few people.

Right now my friend is back in our hometown to take care of a family member, meanwhile, our other friend just started dating some random guy she met on an app. I know it’s her life (and she can do whatever she wants), but I can’t help but feel like it’s wrong that my friend has so much hope of creating a relationship with her while she’s actively sleeping with other guys.

I know my close friend is a pretty reasonable person. He knows she’s dated other guys in the past and doesn’t want to dwell on that, but it will be extremely hard on him to know what’s going on while he’s away. It also puts me in a horrible situation, because I don’t want to be the one to tell him. I feel like our friend believes that it’s fine to sleep around, and doesn’t approach dating the way that we do.

How do you even begin to navigate this kind of situation? Personally, I feel like this goes beyond RJ. While I want things to work out for him, I feel like this situation is going to cause a ton of RJ (perhaps to a point of it not even being worth it).

I’m a 31 year old guy. I admit that dating has never really come easy to me. I’ve had one girlfriend before, and that’s about it.

I recently felt really down and disappointed by something that happened to me. I met an incredible person through a mutual friend. We got along great, had so many shared hobbies and interests. I truly felt like all of my previous failures were going to be washed away by the ultimate success.

But she just didn’t like me.

Frankly, that’s fine. I can’t force anyone to like me back, and we’re all attracted to who we’re attracted to. It seems like her “type” is more of the party boy style, and that’s just not really who I am. I don’t look down on myself or anything. I know I have great qualities, but we just weren’t as good as a match as I hoped.

I guess I didn’t realize how hard it would be to accept defeat though. We all know how hard dating can be in general, and I feel like she was a bit of a rare person. Logically, I know that’s not true, but I don’t develop feelings for just anyone, so accepting the fact that I wasn’t good enough definitely stung. Even if things didn’t work out for me in the past, I held an out a lot of hope that this time it would be different.

I’ll dust myself off and keep going, but this experience hurt a little extra bad.

Can anyone relate?

I can’t help but laugh sometimes when I watch people bid on vehicles. My approach is always to be thoughtful about it. Know my limit, but increase the bid by a reasonable amount. Of course, there may be no endgame to a bidding war, but i see no reason to push the bid beyond the minimum increase.

Then I see people show up throwing out massive numbers lol. If they can afford it, more power to them, but why throw out a huge number if you don’t have to?

I’m genuinely curious as to why people do this.

I think I’ve tried literally every strategy and recommendation for making the transition from first to second gear as smooth as it can be.

Every strategy has both its positive and negative attributes. Shifting into second gear at a lower speed and RPM is smooth, but it’s (frankly) too slow. I normally do this when I have a lot of cars in front of me at a stoplight, and it’s fine. But if you’re the first one at a stoplight, it’s too slow and people are going to get mad behind you.

On the other hand, revving out first gear is more fun, but rev hang starts to become a bit of an issue for me. Also, I find that the car “fights” me a bit when I do this. I’ll try to shift into second, and feel a bit of a resistance when trying to engage 2nd gear.

I’ve tried for a long time to get this shift just right, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no “perfect” way to do it. It’s not as smooth as an automatic would be, but it’s probably 80% of the way there.

Has anyone else settled for “good enough” when it comes to the 1st to 2nd shift? My car is now over 20 years old (with 100k+ miles). I feel like there’s really only so much I can expect from it. With that being said, I think the size of the ratio between first and second makes it really impossible to get this 100% perfect (not unless you obsess over stuff like this.)

I’m not sure how else I can put it. I’m 30 and haven’t really dated a lot. I’ve had two girlfriends, but that’s it. I always thought I was a pretty normal guy until I met my more recent girlfriend, who had been with more people than me.

What frustrates me is that I know I shouldn’t even be worried about it. She was never a hookup person or anything (that’s the line I draw). Realistically, the people who were there before me shouldn’t matter, especially when they’re all boyfriends and not random people she met. And yes, I totally hate that advice that goes “it doesn’t matter because they’re with you now” (but I’ve tried at least consider this advice).

I think it got complicated when she told me a little too much about her exes. Before I say anything else, I’ll mention that I don’t think she had any bad intent (but the message came across wrong). She basically told me that her ex boyfriends were all a lot “smaller” than me, and were selfish in the bedroom. Basically, they wouldn’t last long and never really satisfied her.

On the contrary, I’m quite a bit different. Although I don’t have tons of experience to back me up, I last a much longer time and don’t have trouble fulfilling my partner’s needs. My partner said that 99% of the time, she’s able to finish (whereas it was never like that before).

I should be happy. But I’m not (and I don’t know why). I don’t like thinking about how there were guys she dated in the past who were apparently all terrible (both as someone to go on a date with, and as someone she slept with). Knowing that they were “small” and unsatisfying doesn’t help me. Her bragging to her friend about how she needs to buy the largest size condom for me doesn’t help me in the slightest bit (especially after I found a much smaller size condom in one of her drawers that obviously was left over from before).

It just makes me feel had about myself, and I don’t know why.

I don’t know if it’s just the fact that I never experienced what she experienced before, but I still feel somewhat inferior to her exes. She doesn’t know I have RJ and would be shocked if she ever found out. She thinks I should feel good about myself and be thrilled that it worked out this way.

Why is it so hard just to let it go?

I (30M) met someone through a work event recently(25F), and we really hit it off. We seemed to have a lot of things in common, and she seemed to express interest in me the same way that I express interest in her. This was all a bit of a shock to me, since my experience in dating is somewhat limited (I’ve had one relationship before, but that’s been about it). Having an incredibly beautiful girl express interest in me really felt like a parallel universe.

We haven’t gone on an actual date yet, but we’re talking about one and planning one. I was incredibly excited to go out with her… until I found her social media account.

Basically, her social media presence consists of (what I would describe as) “thirst trap” photos. Her showing off her body, trying to look “sexy,” and showing off a lifestyle of extravagance (including multiple photos of her sitting in expensive cars, hotel, and everything in between). I was really surprised by this. Her personality seemed very reserved and shy when we met, so I never would have expected her social media pages to look like this. To be fair, she hasn’t shared any of these pages with me. It just so happens we have a mutual friend that triggered a “people you may know” recommendation.

I’m honestly not sure how I feel. There’s nothing wrong with her expressing herself however she wants on her own social media pages, but I’m getting the impression that her and I might be too different. Im not really into people who present themselves that way, and her entire lifestyle and background looks very “privileged.” I do pretty well for myself these days, but I’d never present myself this way.

TLDR:
I’m questioning if I should go on a date with her to try and get to know her better, or if I should pull back a bit on all of this. What would you do?

This describes me pretty well. I’m a 31 year old guy, and I’ve struggled a lot with dating and relationships. The thing is: I can’t really pinpoint a clear reason why.

My friends say that I have “no excuse” for being like this, and frankly, I understand where they’re coming from. I think I’m a really attractive guy overall. I dress well, have good features, am tall (at like 6’6 in height). I’m successful in my career. I also think I’m (surprisingly) good at communicating with people. I make friends really easily and have tons of friends who are women who all think that I’m fantastic..

But it doesn’t translate to dating or forming a romantic relationship. On the contrary, it seems meaningless. I honestly don’t know what I missed. Being friendly, getting to know people, making great conversations doesn’t crack the code of being anything other than a friend. And that’s why I feel very “stuck” in this situation.

I guess I want to hear from anyone who might have advice for how to change or do better when it comes to dating (if you’re someone like me).

I’m a 31 year old guy, and admit that my dating experience is pretty limited. I’ve had one girlfriend before, but that’s about it. Some of that is my fault (for perhaps not putting myself out there enough), but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I want to meet someone who actually seems like a good match for me.

Recently I met someone through a mutual friend who seemed perfect for me. I almost couldn’t even believe it. And stupidly, I thought she was interested in me as well. While we never went out on a formal date, we hung out a lot and got to know each other really well. But in the end, she ended up going out with someone else instead.

Obviously I was pretty devastated by that, but I also accept that not everyone will be a perfect match.

I think the part that messes with me the most though is the fact that I know it’s going to be really hard to meet someone who has the same interests and hobbies that I have. I know I can’t sit around and kick myself over what might have been, but it definitely feels a bit like life messing with me (of something lol).

I’ll dust myself off and keep going, but I’m wondering if anyone else has faced a rejection by someone who seemed absolutely perfect. I definitely think this feeling is worse when you feel close to building a relationship (only to realize that it wasn’t meant to be).

Edit: I seem to have stirred a lot of people up, who are now critiquing me for not asking her out directly. That’s fair (to an extent). But I also think it’s fair to back off and decide that you need to stop if you’re not getting a warm vibe from someone you’re interested in. I wanted to ask her out and go for it, but I only am going to do that if I think they feel the same way. If they gave me the kind of attitude she gave me on our last interaction, walking away is clearly the better move. So I don’t think I was wrong to back off and remove myself.

This is kind of a tough question to answer. I know there are some obvious answers, but I am curious about personal experiences on this one. Im a 31 year old guy, and I've always owned Honda Accords with manual transmissions. I've had two (one with the V6 6 speed, and another with a regular 5 speed).

I've been looking for a new car recently, and none of the options on the market are doing a whole lot for me. I was really curious about the Subaru BRZ, but I found this car to be a little disappointing. While I love the exterior styling, it feels a little bit like what I'd expect to see a teenager driving while they're doing handbrake turns in a grocery store parking lot.

It's still a beautiful car (don't get me wrong), but I don't know who is realistically using that trunk. And the interior just feels infantile at best. I'm sort of at a point where I will buy it if I have to, but honestly I'd rather just keep driving my 20+ year old car at this point instead.

Is there a clear alternative to the BRZ/86? I really miss my old Accord coupe for this exact reason. It was sporty, but didn't feel like it was trying too hard. The closest thing I've found so far would be a new Miata, but unfortunately I'm a taller driver and couldn't make it work.

I wanted to share this in hopes that it may help someone else feel better (or at least have someone to relate to). I’m a 31 year old guy, and i admit that im not gifted at dating. I’ve had one girlfriend before, but that’s basically it.

Nevertheless, I think of myself as a good catch though. I’m usually the tallest person in the room (at 6’6), I’m fit, and I think that my personal appearance (in general) is great. I think that my personality is pretty unique, because I genuinely enjoy getting to know people, asking them about themselves, and being funny in the process. Aside from that, I’m well educated and pretty successful in my career. I brought that up because i feel confident in myself and don’t feel like there’s any obvious “barrier” that stands in my way.

But I genuinely feel like bad luck stands in my way a lot of the time. It’s almost as if something always goes wrong when I’m trying to get to know someone (leaving me to constantly be stuck in the “oh well, maybe next time!” cycle).

There was someone i developed feelings for recently who seemed like a perfect match for me. We shared so many of the same interests, and had great conversations. I almost couldn’t believe that it could even be real (and then it wasn’t). She ended up wanting to go out with a mutual acquaintance of ours. I was almost in shock, because (on paper) I know that I have so much more going for me and so much more to offer than that guy does. Also, I thought I was the person she was interested in, but clearly I was wrong. It’s her decision, not mine (so I can’t beat myself up over it), but it sure makes you feel pretty shitty.

I feel like this has been bit of a pattern though. For me, it’s always being at the wrong place at the wrong time, being the right guy at the wrong time, having all of the qualities someone could want (but lacking some obscure trait that they desire), etc. At the end of the day, I’m still thankful that I’m me. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. But I wish changing your luck could be as easy as trying new fashion, a different hairstyle, or something else that’s easily fixable.

TLDR: I just wanted to know if anyone else feels “snakebit” in the world of dating and relationships. Where it just feels like luck isn’t on your side.

I wanted to share this experience with you. I’m a 31 year old guy, and dating has really not been very easy for me. I want to understand *why* dating has been so awful, because it honestly doesn’t make sense to me. I keep hearing about how it should get easier as you gain more to “offer” in a relationship, my experience has been entirely the opposite.

I’ve had one girlfriend in my life, but that’s the extent of my dating journey. Frankly, I think I’m a good catch, and don’t understand why I’m still getting left behind. I was inspired to write this after meeting someone who seemed perfect for me (only for her to reject me and choose someone else instead).

Appearance wise: I’m happy with how I look. I’m usually the tallest person in a room (I’m 6’6, healthy weight, in decent shape). I think I’ve got good hair, teeth, hygiene, and dress well. I may not be a model for J Crew, but I’m satisfied and confident with how I look. I did have acne as a teenager, but took every step to clear up my skin.

Personality wise: I think this is an area that I shine as well. I think of myself as a very funny and sociable person. I like to make people laugh and I love to get to know people on deeper levels. I’ve made a lot of friends who are women because they find me really fun to talk to appreciate that I take a genuine interest in them.

Career wise: I’m definitely no millionaire, but I have an advanced degree and have a pretty good job. I’ve had some cool jobs in the past (from working in TV news to trying my luck at stand up comedy), so I think I bring something unique and different to the table (not just the regular “I’m in tech” or “I’m a stock broker” perspective).

I didn’t mention any of this stuff to brag or try to elevate my ego. It’s just that I feel like I keep getting constant messaging that what I offer is somehow *still* not good enough. I don’t know what else I could possibly do (short of becoming a doctor who also moonlights as a secret agent who saves the world).

Is it just bad luck? My female friends think I’m a great catch, but that doesn’t solve the problem. At what point are you “good enough”?

I’m a 30 year old guy. I have had one girlfriend before in my lifetime, but that’s it. I always thought of myself as being a good catch. I’ve always liked the way that I looked and feel confident in myself. I also feel like I am pretty good at talking to people and making connections with other people.

The one thing I can’t ignore is the fact that I can’t recall a time in my life when anybody expressed any sort of romantic interest in me whatsoever. I know that it’s not common for guys to get “approached,” but feel like I should at least get a hint or inkling that someone (at the very least) wants to get to know me as a person.

I’ve tried to be a little more brave and put myself out there more recently (in the sense of talking more to people that I’m curious about, and trying to get to know them better by expressing my interest in their background and what they’re interested in). In every instance, they’ve been polite, but have ultimately expressed more of a *romantic* interest in either other friends of mine, other acquaintances, or just other guys in general.

I guess I just feel a bit like a fool. I have a lot of friends who are women, and I know that being kind, genuine, and interested in someone else’s story is a good recipe for developing a connection (or at the very least, making a friend), but it seems like I was wrong.

I guess I just wanted to share this experience in case anyone else is dealing with the same thing. I guess this is just life, but it’s hard to keep going sometimes when you feel like nobody has even the slightest bit of interest in you whatsoever.

We’re both 30. I’m basically her fifth relationship, and she’s basically my first (second, if you count a pointless relationship I had way back when I was in high school that barely counts). We’ve been dating for three years and she wants to get married.

I’ve read a lot of posts on this subreddit about people who experience very extreme RJ over little things. I don’t feel like those examples apply to me. I totally understood going into this relationship that I was pretty far “behind” my peers. And I accepted that the person I dated would probably have more experience than me.

I never really understood what was so wrong/bad about me. I feel like I ended up not having any experience because I spend my 20’s working and studying very hard. It paid off, because I achieved some incredible things. But when it comes to relationships, love, sex, etc., I achieved absolutely nothing.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as of late because our relationship has really become a “dead bedroom” situation. It’s partially my fault, because I don’t really feel that motivated to want to have sex anymore. And I’m also pretty sure that she better experiences with her exes who were more of the “bad” boy type and were really into sex (whereas I’m more of the type of guy to think about sex last and someone’s personality, feelings, and interests first).

I don’t know what to do. I guess I feel like I’m a “loser,” despite being (in my opinion) a pretty successful guy with a ton of great stuff going for him. I just can’t look past the fact that relationships were not something I was good at. And now I don’t know how to accept that this is reality for me, as a 30 year old guy. It feels awful, and I just wish I could do my entire life over again.