I need hope.
I just sat for about 45 minutes on the floor of my room with a knife in my hand pressing it against my ribs, wrists, even my neck. I have MDD and have been going to therapy, I've had only two sessions so far but reading all these posts about therapy here, about so many people saying that therapy has done irreparable harm to them, made things worse or not helped at all makes me more hopeless than I have ever been. It just feels like a big lie at this point because no one seems to have benefited from it at all.
If you're someone who healed from therapy, who found it helpful, who thinks it can pull me out of this suicidal abyss, please comment to let me know, please give me some hope that's not false.
My therapist is really nice, but so far she hasn't talked a lot about my problems, rather she prescribed me some medicines in my first session telling me that the symptoms are very severe. It's not her fault entirely because I've also been keeping many of my stressors to myself because I haven't felt comfortable sharing them with anyone so far. I feel heard and everything, compared to one other session I had with a different therapist which I did NOT like at all and never went back.
My greatest doubt and fear is that I'm just, like, a worksheet to her, an assignment, and nothing more. My pain means nothing in the human sense to her, except another patient with their own stupid problems among thousands.
I just wanna know if it helps or if I'm just living under false hopes. Please let me know, the pain is unbearable and I can really really use even a fraction of hope.