Did the Separation work?
I have too much to write here about my situation, but here’s a snapshot.
Great things about my marriage:
Husband is a wonderful father, good provider, the backbone of our household. We co-parent well and have a friendship. He loves me, truly, and is so desperate to make things work with me (only in the last 6 months). When I’m sick, he cares for me.
Bad things:
Our sex life is bad, painful, anxiety inducing, and depressing. Husband has erectile dysfunction. It’s been like this for over a decade. My past pleas to for him to get help were dismissed. Often gaslit or blamed for the troubles. The first 5 years I would silently roll over in bed and cry. The last 5 years, I wouldn’t care. I became numb to it. Things devolved in the last year and he stopped supporting me emotionally too. Never wanted to hear anything about my job or anything that I felt stressed about. So, it was to a point where I was not getting sexually or emotionally supported. I screwed up and sought online validation from men. I felt alive and desired. A feeling I haven’t had in over a decade. I got to a point where I stopped believing anyone would find me attractive. I am pretty, I just would never engage with men irl. I never sought the validation.
I am so desperate for normal intimacy, it’s killing me. He finally got on medication, but it hasn’t been a cure all. I cannot initiate, has to be in positions he feels comfortable in, and it can’t be more than 1-2 times a week (I know this is normal). In fact, on my anniversary, we couldn’t finish.
Because it took him so long to do it and because it still hasnt fixed the issue, I’m depressed about it. He has said absolutely no to opening the marriage. I asked. This trigged massive fear in him and made him finally go to the doctor.
My biggest fears are - what will this do to my kids? I’d be leaving so I can have sex?!? That’s not a worthy excuse. Can I afford it? Will I find love again?
But, will a separation bring us together? He’s stressed about the intimacy piece and is concerned about me cheating. And, I feel suffocated at home because he not watches my every move. Anytime he can’t finish now, it generates a massive amount of anxiety for him.
I want it to work for my kids. I feel so alone and isolated now.