Bad thoughts driving me insane (Long)
Some of you may know me from recent posts. I suffer from thoughts saying I’m gonna lose my soul to devil if do anything. I’ve tried so hard to pray and beg God and Jesus to protect me from the devil, but when I pray I often stutter, or make verbal mistakes, or I have thoughts that blare off GD bomb in my head before, during and after the prayer or I get thoughts where I’m doubting God and Jesus (Example: “Will God and Jesus still here my prayer if I didn’t do this right?) but I would never dare doubt God and Jesus’s power. But I keep making mistakes, and I keep starting my prayers over and over again and I get more and more angry and confused and more fog gets in my brain.
Every time I have to repeat my prayer it feel like thousands of needles with corrosive acid are being stuck into me, and I’m shocked with electricity, while being choked with barbed wire. If keep trying to repeat my prayers i feel that way, and don’t pray that means the devil my get my soul, or the souls of my beloved family members or pets or anything or anyone else I care about. Sometimes when I feel like I’ve done my prayer correctly I then feel like I made a mistake and worry God and Jesus won’t protect me anymore because I feel like I’m not faithful enough for them, making me spiral back to praying more and more. I can’t even get my anti anxiety meds because my thoughts are telling me I’m gonna sell my soul to filthy devil if I sceduale and appointment with my doctor. I would rather die than ever give the wretched disgusting devil my soul or the souls of anything to anyone that I love and care about. A lot of the times I feel like my prayers are just being phoned in, and that they don’t have enough faith in them, so I have to try harder.
My therapist says to just let it go, but she’s only human, not even a priest or church worker, who never around by the way. The vile devil is more powerful than her, and the only two beings who are infinitely more powerful than the devil are Almighty God and Jesus, and I can’t ever seem to feel like I’m good enough for their protection, and I’m finally at my breaking point. I’ve started beating my chest, scratching my stomach and biting my arms. I need help and don’t know what to do. Can someone please help me before my life is completely ruined?
Note I am also a very sinful person. I’ve never hurt anyone or anything like that, but enjoy watching bad content, am very materialistic, and have a strong dislike for humanity and get enraged easily.