u/Beginning-Baby-5048

What are the biggest mistakes you ever done since the first day having this?

What do you regret the most in terms of compulsions?

For me it was watching porn, I wish to never ever saw any of the things I did watch.

Seems like everything is a compulsion.

Many people tell what and how to do, but that remains theoretically - practically you don't chose to stop or start thinking and it's not always about intrussive thoughts, sometimes a random sensation pops up and if you ignore it, you tell yourself imediatly that you like it.

I will be honest about what I understood so far, everyone is telling a point of view that might or might not work or be even right. What it is certain (and that is why I made this post) is the fact that nothing is certain, the most correct thing I (and maybe more people) can say is: I don't know/I don't understand 🫤

Other then that, I must say that I imagined love differently, this is not even life atp.

Every advice seem so smart until there is something that contradicts it.

We are talking about values, genuine and fake feelings, arousal that comes from compulsions (but it is still arousal and it's still pleasurable as sensation), we are trying not to offense anyone while keeping telling our problem, wishing the things to get better yet still another day and night without peace.

Identity vs orientation?

What we feel vs what we want?

What we know vs what we see it hapoens?

What people understand vs what we want to hear?

.......

Been in many images and scenarious in my head and body for 6 months, every single day.

What I feel for for myself is this:

1. AROUSAL - the human body is designed to feel pleasure regardless of desire. Man and woman body feel sexual pleasure regardless of the partner' s gender present in the act. Arousal, therefore sex, can happen between 2 straight same sex people because of:

- just for sexual pleasure;

- out of simple curiosity;

- in porn videos industry;

- fear.

I'm not giving anyone the advice to "experience", which was a toxic advice for me. I want to make clear that your body can feel pleasure from something that isn't you because body reacts to shocking staff, new taboo things etc.

Personal view: The arousal is an overwhelmingingly pleasurable feeling but the problem was in what direction turned me on despite of my prayers and constant googling. I did not want to watch g porn but it happend too many times.... The feeling is real as feeling but the meaning is not as you think. Arousal and porn do NOT indicate anything, please listen that. Many people watch things they don't do in real life. A straight person can watch same sex porn or even more weird (and terrifying) genres of porn.

2. FAKE ATRACTTION - Arousal is a part of what it is called "fake atracttion" which, as you can read, it is real as feeling but not as meaning. Feeling real ≠ being real.

Here I will talk about "emotional fake attraction" and sensations that look like romantic ones. Those can feel very real and even more terrifying than sexual urges sometimes. Anxiety and a strong false perception can create feelings in body that seem like "butterflyes".

ex: seeing a same sex person on the street and instantly feel like you are in love, when it is a false signal.

Personal view: A toxic idea that crossed my mind was: "if Im something, even if its because of fear, I'm still that thing". I understand now that I was hurting myself. What I was thinking about a fleeting feeling was not what it was really happen inside of me.

3. SOCIAL MEDIA BEING TOXIC - many websites, even the biggest ones, may write things that encourage doubt and fear. Many sites, and people, might force the idea that "are not scared to be g, you are just scared to never know". You can take this sentence as you think it's right, I just saw websites that were invalidating people suffering just to not offend a rainbow community (which seems to get offended from everything everyday) There are many people on forums that give bad advices or just trolling like "ocd changed my sexual orientation". The toxic part is labeling anything as "homophobia". No one can force you to believe or support something you do not want to, no one one can invalidate your suffering just because you have your own beliefs that contradict with a community.

Personal view: be careful where and with who open up about your problem and try to get helped. Over all, some parts of internet were just damaging for me, when all I wanted was to feel safe before sleeping. Social media created some kind of feeling that the entire world is against me and that powered up my fears.

4. NOTHING CHANGES THINGS IN ONE SINGLE DAY - Nothing will improve one night, even if all would want to press a button and be straight. I know the nights were no one saw us crying, having no idea what's and why is happening but you need patience. Seeking assurance will always ad one more day of pain. What you do today will have consequences tomorrow and I felt this again and again.

I don' t want to cross anyone' s life. What I want to encourage is that everyone should have peace in the most important relationship someone can have - the relationship with himself. You have to be happy with your life, you have to feel that you are home.

Sorry for my english, as always, I hope something makes you feel less alone and I hope you feel that you matter.

It's been like 6 months since it all started, I experienced all and I found myself everyday googling and watching porn despite I don't want to... yk what kind of porn and because its feels so overwhelming and shocking.... it feels like a pleasure which.... IDK just kills me entirely....

I want to love women, sexually and emotionally and have a gf, living my life in peace and happy, with my values and beliefs.

IDK really what's worse? Emotional or sexual sensations? I lost my perception of myself, I can't even cry anymore but I want to, I want to scream and cry.... I just can't express pain as if it isn't even there....

The scenarious I make or videos of g p0rn I watch are because I want to see what I feel but, despite of fear before and guilty and shame and feeling of losing myself after, I get aroused so strong and there are many elements which give "pleasure" in the moment: shocking; (emasculating staff) romance; (which makes porn even worse) and the art style; (real porn seems less shocking, comics beeing nightmares because of how characters are drawn...)

I want to feel sexual and intimate pleasure but Im imploring to not feel that kind of warm towards men scenarious...

I want to kms because of all this 6 months and I have only around 4 weeks left. I can't take it anymore, I can't feel safe in my body....