Rant/ advice, am I bitter? Justified for being upset after everything? Should I ask for help first or go straight to court?
Throw away account just in case. I've also never posted on Reddit before, and I hope I'm doing it right!
I'm need some advice, sorry for the long post as well.
Little background
I(30f) have two kids. (8m and 5f) They have different dads and my 8yo's dad is terminated(not apart of this issue), hasn't been in his life for 6 or so years. The dad(31m) for the 5yo has been around for my son and I for about 6years. I left my 5yo's dad about 2 years ago because he was cheating on me with multiple different people (online) men/women for years. I new about it but was trying to fix things with him which is why I stayed so long. In hindsight he wasn't a great person to begin with especially towards my son, he was always short and didn't like that my son was extra (liked girly things, wore dresses) Now I know my son is a lot. He's loud, makes a lot of noise, and has an inconvenient autoimmune disease. But he is the sweetest and most caring kid ever. Well, my 5yo came along and I let dad decide what he wanted to do while she was a baby, and things between my 8yo and the dad got worse. I ended up getting a new job that was weekends overnights, but I was home all week so it was a great win. Whenever I asked my kids about what they did with Dad while I was working/sleeping they ended up telling me that dad separated them to their rooms with their tablets and then proceeded to be on his computer all day, yelling at them for being to loud. He wouldn't take them out to do anything at all, or spend any time with them. No doctors appointments, or taking them to the store. I couldn't do it anymore more. My kids deserve to feel loved by everyone in the house. As horrible as it sounds what really made me leave was what I saw when I was on his computer. He had made a list of the 4 most important things to him I was at the bottom. I also found out that one of the people he was (every) inappropriately talking to was only 19. Yes they were of age. But that's still a teenager. As a 30yo man with a daughter it's disgusting to me that he could do that with someone that young. He would tell these people he was talking to that his 5yo was actually his niece that he was watching. I was so upset, and angry. I honestly still am.
Fast forward to now. He has decided to become trans and started taking medication for it. I am an ally and love/hate everyone equally. I have a problem with him being trans because he gave my 8yo so much crap about liking girly things, wearing dresses and painting his nails when he was younger.(Moving on, or I'll get stuck on this) Dad lives with family and gets the 5yo every weekend. No court order about custody or anything because I told him I wasn't going to do that. As soon as we split up his family refused to have anything to do with my 8yo. I knew that was going to happen and I'm used to people not wanted to be around my kid at this point(even my family) but it still hurt, especially because my 8yo didn't understand. At first dad seemed like he was doing a lot better with the 5yo and was going out and spending a lot of time with her, bringing her to do a lot of fun activities that I can't afford. But recently when I ask the 5yo about her weekend it seems so sad. The 5yo eats by herself while Dad is in his room on his computer (5yo words) or is left to occupy her own time if Dad doesn't have plans, while he is on his computer. School is almost out now and I want to do things with both the kids, like teach them how to ride a bike and go to the ocean.(Dad refused to teach the 8yo while we were together) The 5yo cries every Friday when dad comes to get her and doesn't want to go and I feel bad but I she's not old enough to make that call yet IMO. Anyways she was crying a bunch while I was trying to put her in Dad's car and I mentioned to her that she needs to go with him so that I can work and I can get bikes to teach her how to ride. Literally the next day Dad sends me a video of the 5yo riding a bike, I was angry and annoyed. I breathed in and out, let it go. I told Dad that 5yo needs new shoes because the ones she has are getting small, and dad just says 'she has new shoes at my house' and that's great but I'm strapped. I need my entire paycheck to make rent(I don't even have health insurance taken out of my check) I now have to get my car fixed and I don't qualify for any type of assistance because of how much money I make.
Here's where I need the advice, I want to get a parenting plan, possible child support. But I told Dad that I wouldn't do that. I feel like a bad person for even thinking about it. But I can barely afford food for my kids. I eat their leftovers or ramen. I'm at a loss. And feel like I'm being a bitter baby momma.
Once again sorry for the long post