u/Beginning-End2111

After a really really hard day, trying to get a new car, losing my wallet and stressed because I will have to get a new debit card, insurance card, and ID, ibwas locked out of my house because my wallet and keys are attached. Getting help from my family feels transactional and like im always inconveniencing them the past 2 years. I won't go into detail but they were in town this week, and I was going to talk to my mom about how bad my depression has been but before I could she accused me of not paying back some money I owe her which I did pay, and I think she just forgot, but i ended up not bringing it up because I feel like she will think i am making excuses for being such a fuck up so I kept it to myself.

Anyway, long day. As soon as I got back from begging my fam to help me out with my keys my maps app said "turn into the drive way, welcome home."

Idk i just started crying. Im so sad. Im so sad. I wish i wasn't so sad. I have no friends. I feel like my family just hates me.

Im not looking for advice or anything i know I need to get my act together but oh my god I am so sad I can barely be awake for 3 hours every day before I start wondering what even is the point to living.

Anyway, if you read this thanks for at least hearing my voice.

Since i turned 18 in 2021 ive slowly isolated myself from everyone by accident. Since i was young my family was pitted against me in an attempt to shelter me from drama so I already didnt havs a lot. I am at a point in my life where I have no discernible direction and can barley force myself to get up every day, i work twice a week if that and sit around my house with utter dread 2/3rds of my day. ive tried talking to my parents but they've just stared at me blankly because they cant really come up with anythingto say, I live alone and often have morbid thoughts and fears that are probably exaggerated by being alone, i am scared to leave my house for anything besides my job, the only thing that brings me happiness is drawing fanart of a specific media that I feel understands me and talk to them in my head (I know its fake, I am not delusional but it makes me feel less alone)

I dont realize i havent replied to texts until its 2 weeks later consistently, i cant watch the news because my mental state is so fragile that I see whats going on and it feels like the entire world is shattering around me and im helpless to help anyone let alone myself, it feels dont exist to anyone i am simply energy living out my life cycle and burning up resourses until my time is over.

Side note- this is just a vent, I have a psychiatrist and am working in finding a therapist and dont actively want to believe my life isnt worth anything. I am just so fucking tired.

I start college again in one week. I hope i can pick myself back up.