I’m not okay
Our son is 4 months old. I left my partner after continued lying and not communicating with me about just everything. Before we got pregnant we were so happy and had worked on some of our issues in couples counseling. During my pregnancy idk what happened to him but he started lying to me about smoking weed and would just check out from the relationship. He’d go to work and not answer texts or his phone. One of the times I was having what turned out to be Braxton hicks contractions he left me at home alone and wouldn’t answer his phone to come home and go to the hospital with me. I attempted suicide two days before our son’s birth because he just didn’t care that I was struggling and needed his support. I asked him to take me to the hospital that day for suicidal ideation and to prevent me from harming myself and our son because I didn’t want to. I just wasn’t okay. He left for work despite me asking for his help. I had reached out to my mom and dad that day too and no one was available to be there for me. My dad had lunch plans and my mom was busy getting her nails done and both told me they’d help later when they were free. He was free and not answering. I asked for his help before work and told him the situation and he ignored me and went to work. I had gestational diabetes in my 3rd trimester so overdosed on that. The cops were called from my mom because I was pregnant. They found me with a glucose level of 57 and admitted me to the hospital. Luckily no harm came to my son from any of this. He showed up to the hospital and was with me the whole time I was there, I ended up getting induced and all of that turned out okay and he seemed like he was back and supportive for about a month. Then he little by little started hiding stupid shit like smoking cigarettes from me and lying about it. I kept telling him how much the lying was hurting me. During all this I was not my best self and a lot of yelling and name calling happened on my end. I didn’t know what to do to just get him to be present and supportive. Before we got pregnant we talked about the high risk of my becoming depressed during and after pregnancy, he’s seen my depressive episodes before we chose to get pregnant. He said he understood and would support me as best he could. I did everything I could to setup support for myself: I joined a once weekly moms group, had a family support specialist come out once a week to check in with us to offer us support as parents and touch on milestones for our son, and in addition have been attending a 12 step group for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families for 4 years this August. I have amazing friends with healthy boundaries who offer wonderful support as friends and have even babysat a few times here and there to give me breaks. I did everything I could to support myself for the possibility of depression from this. I don’t know what happened to him and why he just doesn’t show up or communicate or do any of the things we agreed to before we had this amazing little boy. He is the sole financial support and has not been working enough to support us, whatever he says he will do to fix anything, there is no follow through. When I try to talk to him about what’s going on he says he doesn’t know. When it gets so bad that I yell because we aren’t making our bills and I need him to hold up his end of the bargain he gets mad at me saying that it’s all his fault and told me today that all he needs is for me to be okay and he could handle everything if not for the fights. When I bring up that we fight for the one and only reason that he says one thing and does another it turns into a pity party and there is no accountability. I am doing everything I can but he is adding so much stress by not following through on what he continues to say he will and will not do. I don’t know what to do and I am losing it. I’m starting to think they’d be better off without me because he says I’m the only thing that’s stressing him out. I know that’s not true but he has become extremely emotionally abusive and just checked out. I am doing everything I can to distance but we have a household that I’m not able to take care of right now. Every time we go to our pediatrician or my weekly therapy sessions and biweekly psych appointments I score extremely high risk for suicide and I am just so sad and down. Every time I pick myself up I am just brought right back down. I have no idea how to take care of myself and get through this with a new baby, a house I never would’ve got by myself had I known I’d be the only one taking care of it. I’m going in debt more and more every month by putting bills on credit cards cause he’s not working, which he blames on me too.
I am lost and have no idea how to get through this, every time I build myself up to get through anything it’s just all taken away.