I can't shake feelings for my best friend Me(15M) Best friend (16F) 9 Years of friendships
I'm 15(M), and my best friend Jayda, is 16(F). We have been inseparable for 9 amazing years, she lives a few houses up the street, so we always spend time together. I can't stress how influential this girl has been in my life, being there for all the highs and lows. She is wonderful to be around, playful and has an ecstatic personality. Jayda always puts everyone before herself, even at the cost of herself, and I admire her so much. She has shaped the person I've become and it goes the same way for her. Knowing each other for so long created a bond I can only describe as perfect.
So last summer, I had a huge crush on Jayda. We are neighbors so we hung out almost every day, this led me to confide my feelings for her. We talked a lot, and although she felt the same way, didn't want to ruin our friendship so we just let it fizzle out. Once the school year started up, I started to talk with this new girl from one of my classes. In the process, I had pushed Jayda far in the back of my mind, still keeping close but never anything flirtatious. I ended up asking the new girl to be my girlfriend, and we dated for a few months. She ended it because she felt like she was overwhelmed, so I respected her decision, although I was quite upset because I did care about her. The same weekend me and Jayda were innocently watching a movie at her house, or so I thought...
She had conveniently sat very close to me and then put her head on my shoulder. I was almost shocked. Jayda had never done anything like this before, first I was confused, but I quickly realized how comforting her touch was. It soon developed into my arm around her, and her head laying on my chest. The following days spent with Jayda consisted of a lot of confessions. Unbeknownst to me, she had grown immensely jealous of my ex, even curating plots to break us up in a desperate effort to make her move. I felt bad about moving on from my ex so quickly, but to be honest I was very happy with Jayda. In the next 2 months our relationship as lovers flourished in such a beautiful way. I can confidently claim that this period was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. With my best friend as my secret lover, it felt like I was living in a fever dream.
It all crumpled when I left for a vacation to Disney World in mid-December. Jayda had grown overwhelmed with our relationship, claiming she didn't know what she truly wanted. I felt like I got hit by a truck, I let our relationship drag down my mood and affect the family vacation, something I still regret. Me and Jayda went back and forth for weeks, mostly pointless and damaging. We had agreed to stay friends because our friendship still mattered greatly to both of us. During this period, we both said many things we still regret to this day. Eventually, she removed herself from the toxicity and we went into no contact.
Not being able to depend on Jayda crushed me, I had nobody. I became so incredibly lonely it felt like I was mentally suffocating. Aspects of my life tanked; my grades, parental relationship, motivation, and behavior. All of this led me to seek out someone I can depend on.
I met a girl named Jesslynn. Her lifestyle was new to me, leading me to become fascinated by her. We started hanging out and became serious. But something was very wrong. Although me and Jesslynn got along and were good friends, I never truly felt like I could be in a relationship with her. I ignored heaps of red flags and dislikes just in the desperate attempt to feel the same way I did with Jayda. I felt like an asshole, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I didn't want to hurt Jesslynn, so I stayed, keeping the relationship alive. That is until Jayda broke no contact.
It was a Sunday, 4 Months without a single interaction with Jayda. She texted me asking to meet at her house, walk around and catch up. Something compelled me to instantly agree. So, a few hours later once we both had time freed up, we met. At first, I was very stressed, but as we progressed, I felt at ease and relaxed. Anyways, all we had done was catch up and apologize for our wrongs, strictly platonic. I told Jesslynn about my plans before me and Jayda met, she knew how important Jayda was to me so I figured telling her was no big deal. In the moment that's what happend. I facetimed Jesslynn afterwards, leaving nothing out. She showed no sign of discomfort so I had no concern for the situation.
Later into the week I had overheard an insufferable creature Jesslynn calls a friend, make a very targeted and disrespectful comment about Jayda. I confronted Jesslynn about this comment, and she revealed that she was extremely uncomfortable with the situation with Jayda. This caught me so off guard considering she had shown no sign of communicating this herself, leading me to be confused. Long story short she was convinced I had cheated on her with Jayda. This is the highest form of disrespect for me, cheating is disgusting and I could never do such a thing. I defended myself, only leading Jesslynn to be more inclined to her ideology. I took a lot of offense to this, especially after learning she had essentially publicly accused me of cheating to all our peers. I must mention she has past relationship trauma(I won't get into it out of respect) leading her to be very insecure about relationships, with severe trust issues. Even after taking these into consideration, I still felt she had no right to accuse me of being a cheater, offering her only evidence of a broken intuition. All the drama led me to leave the relationship, after accepting she wasn't going to budge.
This brings me to the present day, where I find myself in a very unique predicament. Me and Jayda are back to regularly hanging out, and it's amazing. Having my best friend back is like finding the missing puzzle piece to my happiness. My big issue is that I feel myself falling for Jayda all over again. She is still the exact same person that I used to love so deeply, and I'm genuinely torn about what to do. I feel tempted to make a move like she had all that time ago, but my biggest fear is losing her again. I truly cannot handle life without her again. I did my best to give the most important context, while trying not to bore you to death. So, I guess my big question is, what do I do in this situation?
TL;DR
Had a crush on my best friend of 9 years (16F), she liked me too but didn’t want to risk the friendship. I dated someone else, she got jealous, then we ended up becoming secret lovers for 2 months — happiest I’ve ever been. She got overwhelmed and ended things while I was on vacation, which destroyed me. We went no‑contact for 4 months. I dated another girl during that time but never felt the same. Jayda reached out recently, we reconnected platonically, and it feels amazing having her back. Now I’m catching feelings for her again, but I’m terrified of losing her if I make a move. Not sure what to do.