I’ve struggled with alcohol and other substance addiction for 15ish years. In retrospect, I was numbing myself due to internalized self hatred because of my sexuality, which I only recently accepted thanks to ayahuasca (I’m bi and was raised in a conservative Christian household). I didn’t think I’d ever have the monkey of addition off my back, honestly. I was also just an angry, emotionally stunted, unempathetic dude.
The drinking and substance abuse became progressively worse through my 20's and into my 30's. When I was 29 I OD'd alone in my bed after taking some pain medication prescribed to my dog. The resulting seizure was so violent I broke both arms in multiple places and dislocated both shoulders after hitting the headboard of my bed. I came to in my bed around midnight unable to move my arms. I wish I could say that was my rock bottom, but it wasn't. It took another few years and a trip to Colombia to finally get my life in order.
I will forever be grateful to ayahuasca for giving me my life back. I’ve now been sober for 4.5 years, I’m happy, I’m emotionally connected to the world, oh and I listen to music which I weirdly never did before. Aya helped me deal with my deep rooted trauma. When I was a kid. 14 or so years old. My father found some not straight porn on the computer. He proceeded to tell me how sick I was. That I was going to hell. That was disgusting. He made me sit with him as he went through the entire website while I just shrank into shame. It was so humiliating. I spent the next 20 years hating myself and living with a lie. The cognitive dissonance I lived with was unbelievable. Aya has allowed me to accept who I always have been. I’m now happily living an authentic life. I’m out to my friends and family. And I’m freaking sober!!! I didn’t think it was possible.
I didn't have a ton of experience with psychedelics before going to LaWayra in Colombia. Safety and understanding the process was super important to me. What was cool is they have this dense pre-work video series that goes into the science, the prep, and what to expect with aya. I found the prework incredibly helpful and informative. Also, lots of integration circles post ceremony to help process the journey. I had never done any group therapy before, so this in and of itself was helpful and special. Oh and the facilitators were amazing. 10/10 hugs. I felt so safe, which is key. Though they embrace the indigenous ceremonial aspect of ayahuasca their approach is very western--the facilitators all speak English and the world circles and shares are in English.
I'm definitely not done with my psychedelic journey. I really think the medicine saved my life. By the end of my addiction. I was a daily blackout drinker. As mentioned, I OD’d a couple times in my past with terrible consequences to my physical health. It makes me sad how broken I used to be and what I did to myself to numb the pain. Today is beautiful though and I look forward to tomorrow.
I wanted to share this for those struggling with addiction and seeing no way out. There is a life worth living outside of these demons. For me, it took psychedelics to get me there. I will eternally be grateful to these miracle medicines and the institution that delivered them to me safely.
I'm happy to answer any questions folks may have about my journey. Thanks for holding space for me!