Checkmate
The game we played.. check, check, check.. it’s fun, challenging and eventually gets draining until finally.. checkmate. I won this one..
The feeling of victory, relief it’s over and the freedom and independence to play, live, laugh, speak and be close to people again. But now what? New game? New opponent? You were the devil I knew..
I got my checkmate and I HAVE played a couple other games with different opponents but they ended up stalemates..
Sadly it’s reminded me that it’s all just another game, isn’t it? The game of life? Love? That’s what we were and what kept us so alive and tortured for years.. I don’t want to play games though, I want peace, a best friend, great sex, laughter, passion, chemistry and most of all trust and safety.
I’ve been free, dating, meeting people, learning how to laugh, feel, be social, and speak again. It feels good for a bit but as soon as there is depth, real depth.. I forfeit.
Your game was so tough it stopped being fun too long ago.. now I’m too scared to play anymore, I’m so scared and yet so desperate for connection.. it’s easiest alone.. feast or famine? Famine it seams..
It’s a beautiful day outside and I think the next few weeks or months I’m going to stop trying to play with others and go back to feeling alone like where I was with you.. just alone.. it feels sad, numbing, a little lonely but comfortable here. Safe.