Remembrance of the "First Gift"— A seed encased in ice
I'm bored, and with nothing better to do I thought maybe now is a good time as any to talk about something I think perhaps a lot of us have forgotten about.
Now, this is still purely speculative on my part, so take it with a grain of salt, but since I started reminiscing on KiyoKei's relationship again; analyzing the different aspects of their interactions, all the time they spent together, their faults and merits, something just struck me.
It doesn't necessarily stick out like a sore thumb nor is it really particularly vocal, but back then, during the year 1 volumes of the series, Ayanokouji had gifted Kei a necklace as a White Day and Birthday present.
It was a heart-shaped golden necklace which costed him approximately 20, 000 yen.
And well,
For the people who might care, would care, or do actually care, we never got a mention of Kei ever wearing that necklace after KiyoKei became a official couple.
Now, I know, I know, I know, it isn't a subject of importance-importance, clearly, but still.
What gives?
I actually can’t remember a single time that necklace was worn.
From what can be recalled from memory it doesn't even gets talked about by others.
So the truth of the matter still remains, Kei never really tried to put it on.
Not during their off screen outings, and not even during their stay at home dates where Kiyo would cook for them and they watch television. Not once during their year and a half relationship did it mention Kei slipping-on that necklace.
You would think she would wear it everywhere she and Kiyo went, after they became a couple, but she didn't.
I haven't seen any discussion on the topic of this fact but to me it kind of reveals something more than we the readers care to think about.
This of course may or may not be me infantilizing things and I can't say for certain if it was intended by Kinu or not, but I have the feeling there is something else being communicated here with the absence of that heart-shaped necklace.
You see.
At its deepest level, Kei had internalized it to represent a promise.
—When she ask,
>"Would a time come when I would wear this and go together with him somewhere?"
That was a promise meant to endure beyond whatever the present moment looks like.
—When she says,
>"That would definitely be a very enjoyable day."
That was a promise she attributes with a hopefulness and sincerity verging on desperation.
—And when she concludes and thus tells herself,
>"That I was certain of."
That was also a promise said in the most firmest and honest answer she could give.
Yes, from a technical standpoint things don't really "need" to have meaning in the sense that a person needs to consciously believe something to be meaningful, but as we've seen in this small monologue from Y1V11 SS, such is not the case for Karuizawa.
That necklace reflected the commitment of what those words inspired, all the hopes and dreams for their relationship in the future, and a resemblance of something entirely personal that would only grow even more personal over time.
Because, from the moment Ayanokouji handed her that chain necklace, it became something special to Karuizawa.
Regardless of any ulterior motives behind it.
It was meaningful. A level above being symbolic even, as the vividness of the "heart necklace", in this context, may have meant something to the effect of literally wearing her heart on her chest (outside and fully exposed ) as that is where she would have placed it.
It was a treasured gift.
A symbol of something aggressively simple.
The ultimate expression of— hope.
That’s the word that matters here.
Hope
Hope for the future.
Hope for herself.
And, most of all, hope that there could be a "Us" for them.
That being said, we still never got a mention of that heart-shaped necklace being worn. And, realistically speaking it might not be so important to the overall bigger picture of the plot, but, as I said earlier, it is really important to the character of Kei Karuizawa.
Which is why, whether or not it was done for the sake of telling a clean narrative or perhaps for the ease of a storytelling perspective; just knowing that there were opportunities after opportunities that she missed to try on that necklace, at the very least deserved some kind of focus.
Why?
Because Kei chose not to wear that necklace.
In spite of everything that gift and gesture might meant to her, Karuizawa purposefully decided to go through that year and a half relationship without ever even trying it on.
And the reason behind it could be glimpsed in her words way back in Year 1.
>“Hey, um, this might sound naive, but...have you ever actually fallen in love with anyone?”
Karuizawa is one of the very few people who saw Kiyotaka. Knows him. She has an incredible gift for empathy and an uncanny knack for understanding Ayanokouji's state of mind.
>"Maybe I’m just crazy, but I feel like you only view people as tools, don’t you, Kiyotaka?”
The complete irony of that heart-shaped necklace is that it also juxtaposes the warmth and safety that it would assure and turns it into something derived from fragility and insecurity in her heart; because though it is unstated, Kei wanted Kiyo to be vulnerable with her.
She knows he is a chronic manipulator. She’s remarked on this in the past, and Kiyo had replied “I don’t view people like that because I choose to.” It wasn’t a lie, so Karuizawa had accepted his answer. But relationships are a two-way street. And it seemed obvious in retrospect that Kei's intention was never for them to stay emotionally static.
She wants to be with him, the actually HIM. The real him. The one he won’t show to the rest of the world. His true self. She wanted him to show her literally *everything*: his fluctuating mindset, his fears, his happy and sad moments, and his most important memories even at the risk of her seeing things she wouldn't like.
She wanted to aspire for more.
After all, Kiyotaka, is the person she was in love with.
And that says a lot here.
So then, that seemingly trivial heart-shaped necklace shining in gold, for all intends and purposes, becomes an allegory for Kiyotaka's humanity; his figurative heart essentially. And Karuizawa choosing not to wear it is a implicit and explicit statement that she does not in fact hold it in her hands.
>“I don’t mind, I’ll just devote myself to you, Kiyotaka... I’ll... I’ll try harder to make you like me more.”
(It still hurts reading that.)
In her own usual blunt way, I think a part of Karuizawa felt like this was her way of confronting that doubt and confusion in her heart, accepting that something was off about their relationship.
I believe it's not that she didn't want to wear the necklace or that she was single mindedly waiting till they both were in love to wear it, but It's more that she didn't want to RISK the loss of innocence that love as a concept carries with it.
Because beyond that soup of feelings mixed up in her head, Kei Karuizawa really did love Kiyotaka Ayanokouji.
I think there is a lot more to Karuizawa's view on the necklace, and I really want to delve more into it, but this already ended up longer than I wanted. The rest of the other stuff I'll either mention in upcoming posts or just shelve entirely. Anyway I hoped you guys enjoyed the read and some of you at least walked away with a different perspective. Byeeeee.