Signs of Intellectual/Theoretical BPD
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Not too long back I posted and then deleted a post trying to explain my experience with my pwBPD who was highly intellectual and experienced things through different theoretical frameworks.
However, I was very much just looking for someone to validate a year+ of critical theory switching used to justify their actions, and very much stuck in trying to prove myself through this bullshit.
I think part of what kept me for over a year in the push/pull bullshit was because I was on these subreddits and not seeing much reflected back of my experience so I’m gonna try again to just say signs I noticed (and overrode) because of the theoretical/intellectual way they were presented.
Here’s some signs that intellect/theory may be being used to cover up BPD patterns from my personal experience (YMMV/not a declarative “Truth”):
-They have intellectual/philosophical talks where you also relate to, but they always have another theory, another theorist, another reading you must/should look into
-If you disagree you didn’t understand the theory, you read it wrong, your theorists are wrong- it is not about the theorists, it’s about your lack of understanding (and never theirs).
-You are asking them about them, instead of telling you direct interpersonal relations, they describe themselves through theories and theorists. There is no “they” it’s… well… I identify with ___________ and so this convo is (defunct/inferior/morally bereft/etc.)
-They pinpoint you into a realm of thought/theorist… and that one they feel doesn’t get it/doesn’t see it/wrong/inaccurate, etc.
-You both came to some sort of agreement moving forward with each other… now they are sitting around philosophizing about some component of it being once again wrong/morally bereft/untrue (this is them building to their split)… you know this is them talking about the interpersonal discussion you had, they seem not to understand that, they will deny it if you say so.
-So you think you understand them? Ran through their theories, studied really hard? You don’t….. more theories!!
-Do they read and understand the ones you talk about? Or just say they do? Better yet… do they say something “yeah… but, you also need this reading, this theorist, etc.”?
-Have you caught them in multiple contradictions in their theoretical ideologies?
-Do all of their theoretical interpretations still seem to come back to not understanding others? Having the “Truth” for everyone else?
-When you come in with a problem do they get out of the “theoretical thoughts” and into interpersonal dynamics- or is it always right into theory?
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TLDR: they can explain all they want, pull another theorist/theory/intellectual argument, but at the end of the day, are you seeing how the underlying actions they are deflecting from the typical cycle? Push/pull, deflection, lack of accountability, end up screaming, withdrawing, etc.?
But the seem so self aware, like they get it! / If they did, why are we still doing it?
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Hope it helps someone, I definitely wish I had found someone saying it (and still realize, it may not have helped me get out earlier). Good luck!