u/Beneficial-Floor4674

Throughout my 3+ years of playing this silly game, one thing has remained consistent: I have always hated endgames. I found studying and practicing for them boring, I hated how much calculation was needed, and I always found the positional action of the middle game so much more appealing. Then, all of a sudden, something switched. I learned a few endgame patterns passed the classic rook, Queen, and other completely winning patterns, and I think I fell in love.

For whatever reason, getting a draw from a lost position or a win from a drawn position is giving me more excitement and joy than finding a checkmate pattern or a crazy middle game tactic. I think now that I am starting to overcome this weakness in my online and OTB game, I almost crack a smile when my opponent in my weekly Quick OTB trades down to a winning endgame for myself.

Does anyone have any more easy to read/watch resources on endgames? I’m looking for more overarching themes and motifs. I am also interested in finding a proper list of draw tables, but I’m having difficulty locating a database. I want to dive into more endgame stuff while the iron is hot, because I know that I may return to my endgame hater ways in the future.

Hiya everyone,

I accepted a new job two hours away from home. Moving back in with my family was a boom to my health as I was able to finish my bachelor’s degree, get on a healthy-ish diet, and increase my medication to a tight amount. After graduating, I somehow found an ok paying position a few hours away in a state institution. If I finish the very long probation period, it becomes very, very hard to fire me, and I also receive some top notch benefits. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful for the opportunity.

After moving to my new place, I immediately started drinking and using weed again. I figured that I was becoming a new person in my new location, so I wanted to be able to fit into social situations that had alcohol present. The weed was just because I love the feeling of it so much…sorry not sorry. I knew that I shouldn’t be using substances given that I still take mood stabilizers, but I figured that I could give it a shot and see how I handle it.

Well, I think it’s safe to say that I am playing with fire. Every day I wake up feeling tired. I’m more scatterbrained than ever, more lazy than normal, and am not confident in my mood stability. I am essentially paycheck to paycheck and yet I cannot reign in my spending. I really wish I could keep drinking and doing drugs, but I just can’t live my best and most productive self if I do. Sounds like the words of an addict/alcoholic to me.

I think I am posting this here because accepting my problems with substance use again feels like I am re-accepting my bipolar diagnosis. By re-accepting my diagnosis, it almost feels like I am back to my old self. I like my old self, but I was really excited to try a new persona. Maybe I’ve been in a hypomanic daze due to the stress. Maybe I really was trying on a new persona and am realizing it just doesn’t fit well. Who knows.

I don’t know why I am so sad about this self realization. I pulled out my old AA book after thinking about this yesterday evening, and looking at it just fills me with dread. It’s like I’m in mourning over my substance use disorder all over again.

This is a new Reddit account for me, but the bipolar subreddit has been huge in my recovery in the past. It’s good to be back in a way and I’m looking forward to anonymously chatting with those who deal with similar issues.