I was raised in a strict Christian household. As a teenager, i converted to Islam and practiced salafi Islam for a few years. During that time I married a born Muslim. Back then i didn’t realize that I was about to enter the painful process of religious deconstruction.
I began researching Abrahamic religions and the psychology behind religiosity more critically. One day i realised that i could no longer hold on to my beliefs.
What followed was an intense existential crisis. All while i continued playing the role of the perfect muslim wife for my husband and his family. Later I took off the hijab I had worn since my teenage years and stopped praying. My husband watched these changes with discontent and often expressed his frustration. I tried talking to him about the historical origins of religion and the moral / logical issues within Islam but these conversations usually ended with him shutting down emotionally and being frustrated. So i started avoiding the topic of religion completely.
Probably because he was born and raised muslim, the religious brainwashing runs extremely deep, and tbh I don’t know whether he will ever be able to question or deconstruct his beliefs.
The „problem“ is: We have a harmonious relationship, and I don’t want to leave him. He has very humanistic values and is a good person.
But we also have serious ideological differences and I don’t know if we can just ignore them for the rest of our lives. He doesn’t even know that I’m an atheist and it feels awful to act like I’m still muslim. Sometimes I feel extremely guilty.
Has anyone gone through something similar or have any advice on how to navigate this situation?