u/BeneficialResort5296

Hi. I do not call myself a left communist but I have been influenced by primarily Italian Leftcom theory for a few years even if I disagree with some of it. I did not know where else to ask about this as all other marxist subreddits that IK of in my opinion are full of people who do really do not know what they are talking about for the most part.

I am not as educated as I would like to be (working on remedying that; a few years ago I read most of the fundamental Marx and Engels texts as well as some Lenin, Bordiga, Althusser, and a few other texts here and there from other theorists and groups like Endnotes. Working through Capital vol 1 ATM and understanding how much I missed out on by not doing that first). But I have long desired to organize, or just to do anything other than read. But it wasn't until relatively recently that I could start seriously considering it for multiple personal reasons.

I do not necessarily have high hopes for what is happening in Spain right now but I think organization might be more relevant now than it has been in a while.

Are there any groups worth organizing with that are not Stalinists or do not really have a clear view of the principles of communism or is it worth biting the bullet and joining one of these?

I only know of some parties. Mostly MLs and Trots. PCTE, PCPE, CJS, CRT.

There are also some theoretical publishing (?) groups, like Grupo Barbaria and Balance y Avante who seem to be more leftcom leaning. But they do not seem to have a properly organised structure or party to speak of and idk if it's possible to join them when I am not as educated in theory as I would like to be. I am pretty sure that all of these groups are present at least in the Madrid encampment.

Is it worth just entering one of these parties? I would probably go with the Trotskyists frankly. Apologies if I said something stupid.

throwaway for reasons

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hey. hope this makes sense

basically, i am a highly dysphoric butch lesbian. internally, i do not consider myself "fully cisgender", and i do have a desire for a specific medical transition. i want further masculinization that is only achievable via hormones. if i had to describe my gender i would just say butch. internally and among lesbians or queer people who get it.

my identity has been troubling me for a while because the closest thing i truly resonate with and just am is a butch. people have said that i am non binary and transmasculine before. yes i've read SBB, yes i've read other testimonies of transitioning butches, and that has all made me realize that i have been far more dysphoric than i thought for i don't know how long. i always felt an unnameable discomfort with my body my whole life and i was always desperately drawn to masculinity, which was completely untouchable until the last two years or so when i gained enough freedom to start exploring it away from my restrictive, violently transphobic environment.

all i know is that i am dysphoric and that i am also a butch. however i recognize that outside of very specific usually butch centric spaces lesbianism does not really hold space for butches that want the degree of masculinization that i do with hormones and most likely top surgery. or really lesbians/butches that aren't women at all. of course, they (we?) exist, but their acceptance among other lesbians is another matter. i really do expect most lesbians to like me or anything but i want to reduce that rejection as much as possible and i don't want this gender thing to potentially affect how i interact with my own community.

so i really started thinking about my sense of identity and what my place in the world and community must be.

ultimately i place my desire to be recognized and to live as a butch lesbian above my dysphoria, i think it is more important to me personally. i hesitate to call myself trans because personally whether i like it or not wanting to be recognized and to interact as a butch lesbian means being perceived as a woman, socially where i am it is basically impossible to be seen as non-binary/neutrois/androgyne/whatever. i have been in more open communities where at least on a more local level i wouldn't have much of an issue being more myself but that i no longer have access to. i am not anywhere in america, and where i live non binary people might as well not exist. the awareness of transness, in general, is almost non existant. this has led me to the conclusion that i can't navigate the world as anything but a cis lesbian woman.

that said, i still plan to go on a specific hormone regiment to try and masculinize further until i have achieved the closest thing i can to my goal (i am well aware that hormone effects aren't controllable like that) because the thought of not trying to alleviate my dysphoria somewhat is also shitty. in an ideal world i would somehow simultaneously be perceived as a highly masculine individual and as a lesbian-that-is-not-a-woman but that is not the world we live in so. controlled hormone androgynization it is. is anyone living like this? basically just moving about the world socially as a cis woman while transitioning medically? what is it like if so?

i really do not think that i am a repressing straight trans dude or something. i just think that my gender stuff is unfortunately strange.

...thoughts?

(sorry if anything i say sounds odd i am trying to put my thoughts down and it's a bit hard)