u/BeneficialRhubarb727

It can be really shocking, right? I know. A narcissist will become nice to you all of a sudden for one of four reasons.

1. They want something: The narcissist wants a resource you have. It may also be one you’re not as aware of – narcissistic supply. They want your respect and admiration. They want to feel relevant. That makes their devaluing of you later all the more rewarding. A covert narcissist wants a different kind of narcissistic supply from you. They want you to see them as a good person – they want you to believe the false narrative they’re selling. They want you to help groom their flying monkeys. Maybe you told a monkey about the covert narcissist’s lie and now you feel it may have been a misunderstanding. If you are post discard, the covert narcissist wants to recruit you to be their top flying monkey. They know your big, beautiful heart will feel badly for them when they act meek and submissive.
2. They want to put on a good show: They want the world to see how great they are to you, whether you’re currently in relationship or post-separation. Their niceness is a way of manipulating you and the other watching eyes.
3. They want to destabilize you: Maybe they feel you slipping away. Maybe the devaluing has been too much. In either case, they want to keep you guessing. Are they a flawed human or a monster? This makes you much easier to manipulate.
4. They are no longer angry and terrified:

• This one is for the covert, vulnerable narcissists only.
• Their behavior escalates
• You see who they are
• You pull their mask off
• They recoil in sheer terror, like they are dangling by a thread above a pit of extreme shame
• They believe their false narrative and see you as cruel
• They lash out like they are fighting for their life
• They are desperate for more narcissistic supply as if it’s their last breath Eventually, they recover some of their supply –from their flying monkeys or a new primary source. Now they are no longer terrified. They are no longer acting from a place of hatred and rage. Finally, these are NOT reasons they become nice suddenly:
• They have healed
• They have changed
• They really love you
• They really want to be with you
• You misjudged them

Don’t be fooled. They have shown you who they are.

If you're wondering and asking yourself if your boss is a narcissist, here are a few quick signs to consider. In my experience, a true Nboss would check off every box. Some may check off the majority.

And just because a person might check off a few, doesn't necessarily mean that they are an nboss, or a disruptive nboss, but a true disruptive nboss would have all of these:

• Do they take credit when things are going well or a project was successful but blame everyone else when things maybe didn't go as well?

• Do they talk shit about all of your colleagues to you? If so, they are definitely talking bad about you behind your back. This is one of the ways that Nbosses divide and conquer.

• Do they need to insert themselves in every single decision and every step of the way? Do they need to have absolute control over every thing you're working on?

• Are they always chipper, upbeat and agreeable around their boss and others in upper management? But then minutes later they take a different tone with you or your colleagues?

• Do they pressure you to work late or on sick days or PTO? Do they generally just not respect other peoples' time and are deeply inconsiderate of everyone's time and boundaries? Are they constantly holding impromptu unplanned team meetings or one on ones?

• Do they talk to you like you're an idiot or a child when they're frustrated or feeling like you've someone how missed the mark on something?

• Do they shame you for talking to managers on other teams or participating in meetings with people who are higher ranking than them?

• Do they conveniently leave you out of important meetings or forget to send you invites to ongoing team or all staff meetings?

• Do you feel like your boss has intentionally or unintentionally tried to embarrass you or "joke around" in front of others in a way that feels disparaging or meant to undermine you?

• Does it feel like they have standards that are impossible to meet? Do they come down hard on you when you don't jump through all of their hoops and hurdles and complete tasks exactly as they would?