AITAH for being upset that my boyfriend doesnt care for “superficial” things?
I, L, 29F, have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, H, 25M for over 3 years. It has been the best relationship that I had, so far, but lately Ive become frustrated with how little effort he puts in different areas of his life. We dont live together, even tho I really feel the need to move in together with him. seems like our lives are not in the same point at the moment, me being advanced in my career, and him at the beginning of his. thats not a frustration at the moment, as i really began to dislike the idea of living with him. in the last 2 years he has become very messy. everytime i go to his house i am frustrated of how messy it is and sometimes im even disgusted. at the beginning he always had the house clean when i visited, but he doesnt make that effort anymore. he also doesnt put any effort in the way that he presents himself, wearing the same pair of pants for months without washing them, the same overshirt, his excuse being that he always has clean underwear and tshirt. he was never a fashion guy, but at the beginning he used to at least change some things. he also doesnt shave, doesnt get a haircut when its due, and most of the times it gets to a point where its shows the lack of effort. when i said these to him, he said that he doesnt like that i wear a lot of makeup, and me being frustrated with the messiness at his place, i had a crushout. I cried so bad, because he make me feel alone and missunderstood. He views my frustration and disappointment as me always being angry, which is not the case. When i try to explain that not everything that i feel is anger, he dismisses me. And this is why last time i had such a bad crush out and i cried for 2 days straight, thinking about breaking up. He seemed worried for me, but i didnt feel that he understood the problems i pointed out, and for sure didn’t agree, as he basically said that i have to accept them. Now i know that i can not impose changes, even tho he wasnt like this at the beggining of our relationship, and the only way to get what i want now (a presentable partner, who puts effort even in superficial things as looks and cleanliness) is to break up. I really dont want that, as i really love him and how he is as a person beside the problems i mentioned here. He is kind, politically aligned with me (which is the most important thing for me), he gave up meat because i, as a vegan, inspired him to try and cause less harm in the world. I really love that he is not upholding gender norms, but sometimes i would want him to take care of me, to pamper, show up for me… i don’t know what to do and now he s acting as everythins is ok. So aitah for feeling like this?